I stood there, mesmerized, staring up at him from my usual spot in the crowd. Like always, Wendy was by my side. My girlfriend. The girl that any of the other guys I know would love to be with. But I fell out of love with her a long time ago. I know it's wrong, but the only reason I'm still with her is because I can't imagine being alone. My heart would twist and turn painfully every night if I didn't have her by my side. I would lie in bed and drive myself crazy with thoughts of the one I truly love.
I remember the exact moment I started loving him. It was my seventeenth birthday party. My parents were actually being cool for once and they spent the night in a hotel so I could have my friends over for a night of wild teenage antics.
It was pretty ironic the way it happened. Wendy knows how much I love spontaneous sex, so as a little birthday surprise, so cornered me into my bedroom and seduced me. It was the hottest sex I have ever had. She was wearing this silky black miniskirt that I didn't dare remove during our passionate encounter, which made it ten times hotter.
By the time we were finished I was so sweaty and thirsty that I desperately needed another beer. On my way to the kitchen I heard the most beautiful voice. I'll never know the reason why, but that voice pierced right through my soul. It was like an angel singing, beckoning me to heaven. I followed the sound of the voice through the hallway. Each note the singer hit seemed to resonate through my entire body.
I literally stopped right in my tracks when I turned the corner and found that the mystery voice belonged to Kyle. I think I stopped breathing for an entire minute. There was my best buddy, sitting on my couch, playing a guitar and serenading a group of random girls. I knew that Kyle owned an acoustic guitar, but I had no idea that he could play so beautifully. And that voice, it was so magical.
I had been so captured by the stunning vocals that it didn't even register in my brain that the voice had belonged to a guy. Kyle was singing about someone; he was describing features. Hair black as night, crystal blue eyes… I felt butterflies in my stomach, was he describing me? It was that very moment that I knew I was seeing him in a different way. Deep down, I hoped that he was singing about me. It felt like a fever was rushing through my body, from my head all the way down to my toes. Why was I feeling this way?
In a dreamy state, I started to walk over to Kyle. I mean, he was singing to me right? All of a sudden I realized that one of the girls sitting by him had black hair and blue eyes. Shit. Damn, I felt like an idiot. He was probably making these lyrics up on the spot. Why in the fuck would Kyle be singing about me? I shook my head, clearing all those crazy thoughts out of it and went to the kitchen to get a beer.
Later on that night, after everyone had left and Wendy was asleep in my bed, Kyle and I were sitting on the couch talking.
"Stan, what was up with you earlier? I saw you standing there staring at me like I was a psycho killer or something," Kyle asked with nervousness in his voice.
"Oh…umm," damn you Kyle! I didn't know what to say. "You can rock out on that guitar man." What a lame response.
"Right. Uh, thanks I guess." I wondered if he knew that was a cover-up.
"Alright, dude I'm gonna go check up on Wendy. There's tons of pillows and stuff down here if you wanna crash," I told him.
"Ok, night Stan."
I stood there for a second. There was so much more I wanted to say, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to ask him who the song was for, I wanted to know when he developed that amazing voice of his. I wanted to tell him that he was the most beautiful person I have ever known. Yet, instead of any of those things, I turned around and went upstairs and got in bed with Wendy.
My love for him has grown every day since the night I heard him sing. I even encouraged him to play at local venues in South Park. It took him a while to get used to the idea; Kyle is kind of a shy guy. Now he plays every Friday night at this little coffee shop called The Empty Mug.
I've never missed a performance. Every Friday night I'm there in the crowd, completely entranced by Kyle. Listening to him play is like experiencing a first kiss over and over again. So amazing, so exciting, yet also so sad; inevitably it will have to end.
It's hard to find the words to describe the way he makes me feel when Kyle plays that sweet music of his. My whole body heats up and my stomach does gymnastics. My heart feels like it could explode with the love I have for him. But I love him in secret, and I always will. I can't even count the number of times I desperately wanted to run up to him, wrap my arms around him and I tell him I love him more than anything in the whole world.
Tonight is no different. He is singing my favorite song. In my eyes, there is no one in the room except Kyle and me. The spotlight is on him, and I can feel his voice rush through me with every beat of my heart. The song is about loving someone you can never have. It's about being filled with love and having to keep it to yourself. I would give anything for him to say that song was for me. I love him so much. Every time I come here to watch him, I imagine what it would be like if he confessed his love to me in front of everyone. He would approach the microphone and say, "Stan, you're my best friend. You know me better than anyone. But there is something you don't know about me. I love you. More than you could ever imagine. All I want is to be with you. Could you ever love me back?" And I wouldn't even have to say anything. I would rush up to the stage, take his face in my hands, and we would share our first kiss.
It wouldn't hurt like this, though. Ouch, Wendy is pinching me. I must really be zoned out. I turn to her and give her a weak smile. I wish I could just tell her how I really feel, but I'm not ready to. I may never be able to.
I return my focus to Kyle. He looks at me. My heart stops. Our eyes remain locked for the rest of the song. When he finishes, he smiles warmly at me. I squeeze Wendy's hand, apparently too hard because she yanks on my arm.
"Stan!" she hisses into my ear. "Let's get out of here, I'm bored!" Damn her! Kyle is announcing to the crowd that he is finished for the evening. I try to make eye contact with him again, but he won't look at me. I have no other choice but to succumb to Wendy's wishes. Maybe I shouldn't come here anymore. I only leave in even more despair than when I arrived.
I want to at least tell Kyle that he did a good job. When I spot him in the back corner of the room, this girl is practically on top of him. I can tell they are in an intense conversation. Then she kisses him. Tears are already forming in my eyes when I thrust my head towards the ground. He'll never love me.
I'm still in shock as I desperately push away the girl who just attacked me.
"Hey! I don't even know your name!" It's the truth. I lift my head and see Stan heading out the door with his gaze on the floor. My heart sinks. This chick has me cornered.
"I'm Samantha," the mystery woman breathes on me. Oh no, how the heck do I get away from her. I turn my head as she tries to kiss me again. I can smell whiskey on her breath. Gross. She is throwing herself on me. I catch Kenny's eyes and give him the most pleading look I can muster up. He understands and comes over. He steps directly in between me and Samantha.
"Hey Sam!" He must know her.
"Kenny? What are you doing?" She seems a little discouraged.
"You look like you need to take a break. Come on, let's go for a walk."
"Ummm….ok." They walk off together. YES! Thank you Kenny. I owe you one. I rush upstairs to my favorite booth and sit down. There is no one up here, so I can write. But tonight I'm not in the mood. I can't believe Stan left! I really thought that we were sharing a moment when I was singing directly to him. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. If only he knew how I felt.
I fell in love with Stan when I was 16. It's been three years and he still has no idea. Each day is harder than the one before. Back when it first happened I thought it was just a silly crush and it would go away on it's own. But it hasn't. In fact, I love him even more now than I did then. Every song I have ever written has been about him. Hell I learned how to play the guitar with the hopes of being able to confess my love to him through song. I don't think I need to say that it never happened. But I ended being a natural at the guitar, so I kept it up. It was Stan who convinced me to be so serious about it. He always tells me that I have an incredible talent. I wish he knew how incredible I think he is. He's always been there for me, ever since we were kids.
Every night I perform here at The Empty Mug, I secretly imagine about what it would be like to confess my love to him on stage, in front of everyone. I would tell him that I wanted to dedicate a song to him. Of course, it would be "Forbidden." Like I said, every song I have ever written has been about him, but "Forbidden" is the one that is the most special to me. It explains exactly how I feel about him. Like I could explode with love. But I have to keep it all to myself, and I always will. Stan is way too good for me anyway. And I couldn't compete with Wendy. Maybe when I leave for college at the end of the summer I'll be able to get over Stan. I hope so. He'll never love me back.