The Twelve Labors of Barkis
By: Wilona Riva
Disclaimer: Corpse Bride belongs to Tim Burton. B's are a pun from Piers Anthony's Xanth series. Originally posted under my old pen name, Garnet Sky. Free cyber cookies and lemonade to everyone who gave me the original ideas to make this story more fun for everyone. Your names are in the stars (and author's notes) for all to see!
Chapter One: Ms. Plum's Secret Ingredient
The crowd at the Bone and Socket Club snapped their finger bones in time to the catchy tune Bonejangles was commencing.
"Come listen to a tale of a man name Barkis,
Bitter he was, and bitter he remains,
His dark tales ends with suicide-
Revenge we gave for our lovely corpse bride."
Mayhew snuck a look at Lord Barkis, clad in a ragged server's cap serving the wine of ages to a crew of rowdy skeletons. He started laughing. Ms. Plum sure gave it to him with the Secret Ingredient.
"Ms. Plum, our chef, a new recipe did try,
But no matter how much she stirred, it didn't fly,
'Ah-ha' quoth she-
Missing is the secret ingredient-a B."
Barkis moaned in pain as he remembered. A honey bee was one thing; a have of B's was asking for trouble. How well he knew. He hoped to leave this crazed pub soon and enjoy his afterlife after his labors had ended. One down; eleven more to go.
"Up a cliff climbed our hero,
To prove he was no zero,
A have of B's he was to find
A kaleidoscopic emotional bind.
"The B's told him to B-have, so he did.
B-hind kicked his behind-sho' did.
B-muse made him laugh,
B-tide made him cry-
The secret ingredient Ms. Plum sent him to see.
"Ms. Plum no recipe did try,
For sweet as pie it was,
To see our beloved Corpse Bride
Scrape the boils off our dear suicide."
Barkis put his head down as Ms. Plum called for him to fetch her some more of the secret ingredient. The whole pub erupted into laughter and dispersed into the night.
Author's Note: B's are nasty honey-bee like insects that are so named that if they sting you, you have to carry out that name. The secret ingredient was that Ms. Plum knew of one B that stuttered. The stuttering B stung Barkis was called 'B-boil.' So Barkis had to be treated by Emily for boils since no one else would come near him.