Final Fantasy XIII and the Unauthorized Parody, a final fantasy xiii fanfic

A/N: Yes, I finally decided to submit my own work of fiction. I have no beta reader, so proofing is done solely by me. Every time you read something that is proof read by me, you are saying that "I caree." (Yes, people, that was a joke… xP)

There are three things I want to point out: Since this is a PARODY, all spelling errors are very, very intentional….

Secondly, Anything in this fic that is recognizable is owned by whoever made them in the first place. (Yes, that means you, Squeenix.)

Thirdly, This fic will be, if you haven't noticed, rated M. So all you kiddies can leave nao! That being said, There may or may not be instances with sex in it. (Who am I kidding? Of course there will be sex. Can't have a parody without it!) Also lots o dirty words.

More notes at the bottom.

Now, without further interruptions, I present:

Final Fantasy XIII and the Unauthorized Parody

Chapter 1: The Birthday

It was a beautiful, picturesque day in New Bodhum. The sun was shining, the grass was green, the trees were doing whatever trees do. The atmosphere around this place was in direct contrast to what one eleven year old was thinking at the Villier residence.

'I fucking hate this day,' Sun thought 'Around noon this time every year I get thoroughly annoyed by fucking morons li-'

His train of thought collided with a brick wall that was his doorbell.

'Ding Dong, answer the fucking door you homo, someone is at the door!'

"I'm coming, you piece of shit doorbell," a voice that belonged to a man hurrying down the stairs said. "Don't get your wires in a twist."

The door opens to reveal the four people Sun hates the most in his short life: The Ontime Family.

'Just great!' Sun thought maliciously 'I really wish that Uncle Hipe and Aunt Thunder didn't have to bring the double Douche bags. I mean, seriously. Those fucks hate life already. Why not just kill them off right now?'

'Because,' an annoying voice in his head said, 'without them, there would be no story… and it pisses you off.'

"Hey, Sister from another mister and Hipe. How goes it?" Rain asked as he opened the door.

"Ugh! I am not your fucking sister! I do not care that there is no law for drugging someone and marrying them! We are not related, got it?" The strawberry pink haired lady screamed. "Come Hipe. Sit down on the couch and shut the fuck up. I had to listen to your bitching through the whole ride over here about how your children are trying to kill you."

"That's because Dad is a pussy." Said a female voice behind Hipe. "Mom, Despair and me are going to show our knives to Rain Jr." She had an evil look in her eyes.

Rain Jr. was Rain's firstborn child, a year older than Sun. People say that the kid looks exactly like his father. No, Literally. He was literally born with facial hair and a bandana… with a hero complex to boot.

"Ok," Thunder says, "But don't cut him too badly, even though he thinks that he is a hero and is invincible. Rain, where is he?"

"He's in his room on the computer. You might want to knock before you go in though. Even though he's twelve, he is addicted to porn."

"Po- you showed him those websites, didn't you?"

"Of course I did! What self respecting father wouldn't? I'm preparing him for the future!" Rain exclaimed proudly

"You're preparing him to become like Sezh!"

"Says who?" Rain said with a smirk.

"Ughhhh!" Thunder said with an added facepalm for good measure. "I'm going to go check on the kids to make sure you haven't lost one of yours." She took off up the stairs with one last glare at Rain.

With the Demon gone, Rain turned his focus to Hipe.

"Hipe," The big macho man began, "How do you put up with Thunder? She is totally nuts!"

Hipe's only response was to look at him from where he was sitting and point to his mouth.

"Oh, come on, dude. Grow a fucking backbone for once! She isn't even in the room right now and you're obeying her as if she was God!"

Hope answered him with a head tilt to the side.

"Well, I can see that talking to you is, as usual, pointless. Have fun sitting there. Feel free to turn on the TV. I'm going upstairs to check on Rain Jr."

"I'll come with you too, Dad," Sun said as soon as his father's huge foot hit the first stair, "Anything beats hanging around with this bozo."

So the two of them managed to reach the top of the stairs when they were interrupted by…

'Ding Dong, answer the fucking door you homo, someone is at the door!'

The door.

"Sun, go on into your bro's room. I'll be there after I save the doorbell from getting raped" Rain said exasperatedly as he walked back down.

(Insert Page Break Heere!)

By the time Rain got to the door, the assailants stopped hitting the doorbell, and instead tried to cave the door in.

"Hold your chocobros! I'm Coming!" Rain yelled at them. [1]

"Haha! That's what she said!" a voice exclaimed on the other side of the barrier.

Rain twisted the doorknob to reveal…

The Fairly Odd Family.

Well, maybe the best title would be the Ambiguously Gay Couple Plus Two Kids.

The couple consisted of Pontiac and… Bob, along with their children Christlerz and Tomh.

(Inseert Pagee Breaak Heeree!)

Pontiac and Bob found each other at the Gay Pride Parade in downtown New Bodhum. It was obviously love at first sight, and they promptly moved in with each other. After months of trying, neither could produce a child of their own, for obvious reasons, so they wondered how they could fix that problem.

Adoption was out of the question. They wanted to have some blood relation to the kid, so they opted for the only logical solution.

Ask Thunder to hold Pontiac's seed. Surprisingly, She accepted, and 9 months later, a beautiful black baby boy with strawberry pink hair came into this world.

As soon as the baby was born, Bob was jealous, and wanted a child to call his own as well. Before he even asked, Thunder slapped him and said no. She would only have sex with a gay dude if she knew him. Pontiac, she knew. Bob was a stranger.

This put Bob in quite a pickle: He wanted their kids to look the same, and strawberry pink hair is as uncommon as a black guy in a Japanese RPG. Grasping at straws, he had one alternative:

Bob must ask Sarah to do for him what Thunder did for Pontiac. Not wanting to be the only Fairon not to be pounded by a black dude, she readily accepted and got pregnant that very day. 9 months later, a black baby boy was brought into this world with the same hair color as his brother.

Rain never knew that his virgin newlywed wife was not so pure. All Sarah had to do was spill some chocobro blood held in a disposable vile between her legs after the deed was done and Rain was forever none the wiser.

Which brings us back to the present…

"Hey Pontiac and Bob! Come on inside! Christ, God I love that goatee you got going there bro. It totally matches your hair," Rain said with a very faint giggle, "and Tomh…why….do you still look like you're twelve? For Pete's sake, your 19! Take some steroids or something."

They say you get a lot of your genetics from the mothers of the children. Well, Tomh got the short end of the stick quite literally. At 19 years old, he still has yet to break 5 feet. He must have gotten his height from Sarah… and I suppose his lengthened pre-pubescent stage.

The two brothers ignored Rain's comments. Rain seemed to forget that every year he tells them verbatim the same thing

Snow continued without noticing their lack of response.

"Say, do you know where your grandfather is? I thought he was arriving with you guys."

"He should be arriving any minu-" Christlerz began before he was interrupted by an almighty roar of a plane trying to land on the side of the street in front of the house.

Needless to say the plane failed spectacularly and was stuck blocking the entire road.

"Hey babe, what was that noise?" Sarah asked, walking towards Rain with the other guests following behind

"Sezh just arrived." Rain said with a grin

As the door of the plane opened, the group could hear shushing noises, giggling, and one voice louder than the rest.

"I'm sorry my dear girls, but I have to leave for a few hours to do something I said I would do." "Yes, I know that the time is still running. I'll pay you when I get done with each and every one of you"

He was answered by a round of "Bye Sezh!" and "Don't go, Sezh!" and "I'll stay warmed up for you Sezh!" as he left the plane.

(Eenseert paige brake Heare!)

When Sezh got up to the house, he waved at everyone.

"Holy Shit, Sezh! How has it been?"

"Shitty." Sezh replied with a air of sadness around him.

"How come?"

Sezh looked at Rain incredulously. "You mean to tell me, that every time I have told you why I feel this way, you have forgotten? Well fuck it. I'm not telling you again. There are kids around."

What Sezh wont say, this author will.

18 years after the crystallizing of Cocoon, Sezh discovered his two favorite things: Money, and the Red Light District of New Bodhum. Since the costs of these lovely ladies was quite high, the little money he made as a pilot went to acquiring women to satiate his thirst for sex. Unfortunately, that meant that he had to forgo the purchase of condoms.

Needless to say, this caused him problems.

Oh no, Sezh didn't have any diseases. In fact, he is a walking medical mystery. He found out that he was immune to all sexual diseases including Aids.

No, his problems were children.

Today, the population of blacks has soared in numbers. In fact, according to the New Cocoon Census, 33 percent of all New Cocoon citizens are black men with afros infested with some type of chocobro.

Incidentally, Sezh hates whoever invented Child Support.

(Eenseerth paigeh braikeh Heareh!)

Sarah decided to break the awkward silence and told everyone to come to the living room.

Christlerz and Tomh claimed the love seat, leaving everyone else to fend for themselves. Thunder sat next to the still mute Hipe, and everyone else sat on the floor.

After the comfortable silence ended, Snow exclaimed loudly "I have to pee!"

Thunder was taking her anger out on Hipe by punching him repeatedly in the chest. "So go take a piss, you fucktard, or have you forgotten how to do that?"

"I didn't forget, Sis, I thought I was just thinking that. I didn't mean to say it. Geeze." Rain said with his cheeks red from embarrassment as he fled from the room and up the stairs to the bathroom.

As soon as Rain moved out of sight, Thunder sighed. "Sarah, why don't you just leave his sorry good for nothing self?"

"I tried that once. I really did. When I tried to file for divorce, they told me that I couldn't because of a loophole in the law. Apparently, if you get drugged into marriage, you are not able to get a divorce. It makes no sense whatsoever."

"Psh. Fucking PSYCOM"

"Yeah, I know. But anyways, I am going to check on the food for dinner. I'll be right back." Sarah said, retreating into the kitchen.

One Minute Later…

The front door opened and Sarah comes rushing through and up the stairs.

"Sarah? What the fu-?" Thunder asked as her sister ran by her. Shrugging, she turned her fiery gaze upon the rest of the group.

(Eeinseert peaige berake Hearie!)

Rain sighed in relief as he flushed the toilet. 'Damn, I love being a guy. No sitting down to pop a squirt for me! Heheheh.'

He opened the door and started walking down the hall until something ran into him.

"OOF! Sarah? What's the big hurry?" Rain asked in the deeper manly voice he reserved specially for Sarah when they were alone.

"Oh, hey babe! Just the hot stud I was looking for. Come here, you." Sarah said in the sexiest voice Rain every heard come out of her sexy mouth. Of course, Rain, forgetting that they had company over, hoisted Sarah over his shoulders and ran to the bedroom.

Things were beginning to get very hot and heavy, what with both of them being naked and Rain fondling Sarah's breasts. As he sucked on the nub in the center, he heard a deep moan… almost… a manly voice. Curious, Rain looked up and….

"! WHAT THE FUCK?"

(Eeinseiert peaigie berakie Heiarie!)

Back downstairs, after hearing that scream, Sezh asked the group,

"What was that all about?"

"Oh, Rain is probably finding out that Sarah isn't Sarah at all, but actually Bartandelly. He does this shit every year, and I think its hilarious. Especially since Bart does it on Rain every year and Rain keeps forgetting. Heheheh" Sun informed them all.

With that, everyone jumped up, and made a beeline to Rain's bedroom, with Sezh grabbing a camera and Sun trailed behind them.

'Heh. Maybe my birthday isn't so bad after all.'

END OF CHAPTER

[1] Chocobro is a small bird who falls in love with anyone with an afro, and lives in aforementioned afro. They are akin to lice, and if found on schoolchildren, they are sent home for the week. The only cure is to shave the victim's hair off.

A/N: That's the end of the first chapter. As I was writing this out, a thought occurred to me that this would be an excellent one shot fic, so I think I will leave it at that for now.

I will be working on further chapters at the moment, with an actual plot to it, but I have no idea when I will get the time for it, so Id rather just have it complete rather than letting you guys wait endlessly for a new chapter that may or may not come.

So anyways, how did I do for my very first piece of fan fiction? Remember to review!

One last thing: don't hesitate to shoot me a PM or e-mail or w/e if you want to run an idea past me, or even shoot the breeze.

Until next time!

PoMPyromancer.