Emily and William Part 3: The Conclusion
by Trycee
I do not own the X-Files. Its owned by Chis Carter and Fox. I wrote this for fun not profit.
Scully laid down straining to recognize the shapes of the bedroom in the dark. She listened to the low snoring next to her, she could hear Mulder mumble as he shifted, his arm grasping for her. She touched his hand and the mumbling stopped, he was fast asleep again. She had hoped that visiting Emily's grave a few weeks before would quell her emotions. She hoped that she would no longer see Emily's face or William in every boy she treated as a doctor, or every child she saw but that hadn't happened. Mulder had been the insomniac in the past but for the last few weeks she now was. She hid her baggy eyes behind makeup, careful to blend it in so no one would know. Mulder had been busy lately, since the Lone Gunmen had died a few years ago, he had taken up their cause, he was a free lance investigator now, getting a few calls to check on ghosts or abductions. He still wrote occasionally under his alias like he did when he worked for the FBI, he was more content in the last few weeks than he'd been in a long time so she didn't want to worry him. With him distracted, she could focus more on her feelings, on her nightmares, on her fears and not his. She had always pushed her feelings aside and hid them within, focusing more on Mulder's causes, and that hadn't changed but if she didn't deal with her feelings herself she would always be haunted by Emily and William...it was time she talked to someone outside of Mulder...
Scully didn't know whom she could talk too. At work she kept to herself, she wasn't very social. Years of working in the basement depending only upon Mulder, she thought to herself. All the other doctors and nurses would share photos of their families, discuss their plans for holidays and would even visit each other socially but she had never participated in that. How could she? They knew she lived with Mulder, they've seen them together at work many times or when he dropped her off at work or picked her up, but she never went into details. They knew she wasn't married and she knew they disapproved esp. the nuns and priests but no one had ever confronted her so she ignored it all but whenever she saw them pull out photos of their children, her heart would sink. How could she ever explain to them that she too was a mother? A mother of two? What would she say...
Yes, I had a daughter, she was beautiful little girl but she had died...you see she was born to someone else from my ova that was taken from me when I was abducted by aliens which left me barren...she was created in a lab...she was an alien hybrid not meant to be but I somehow found her when her adoptive parents were murdered ...Oh and I had a son naturally, except that I was barren so we didn't worry about using protection...but surprise, I was pregnant except that the father, the man I love and live with now was abducted and was returned to me dead, but later he came back to life and we had him but our son was more human than human, he was part me, part Mulder, and part alien...but his uncle, his father's half brother gave him the gift of humanness but we couldn't protect him so I gave him up...Scully sighed..."I think too much", she said out loud.
Mulder turned over, trying to focus his gaze on Scully. "Whats wrong?"
"Go back to sleep Mulder. I'm fine."
Mulder heard the words, "I'm fine", and sat up more concerned. "Okay, Scully, whats wrong?", he said." You're awake again...you haven't been sleeping since we came back from California."
"How'd you know?", she said, surprised.
He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her closer to him. He could see her blue eyes in the dark and he kissed her on the nose. "I know you...I know your trying to cover it up with makeup and I know you've been drinking stronger coffee than you usually do..."
Scully could feel his hot breath on her face and she sighed, "Its nothing...nothing you can do anything about, don't you have a case to work on in the morning?"
Mulder gripped her tighter. "You're not gonna tell me what it is?"
Scully turned her back to him and laid down on his muscular arm. "Maybe I should prescribe myself some sleeping pills."
"Thats not gonna solve the problem!", he said, kissing her neck. "Scully, you promised your mother you'd share more with me and not keep everything in..."
You have secrets, she thought to herself. I know you're trying to find William, I know your cases are half investigations and half leads to find William. You keep that from me, I know you too...she thought.
"I...", she hesistated. "I think I need to talk to someone."
Mulder sat up his arm slipping from underneath her head. "You can't talk to me?"
"Its not that," she said, touching his face. "Its not that..."
"Scully, I'm a psychologist!"
She kissed him to calm him. "I know," she whispered. "Please understand, Mulder. I just need to talk it out with someone outside of us..."
He switched on the lamp, the light blinded them for a few seconds. Scully got up from the bed heading towards the kitchen. Mulder sat staring at the clock. It was 4 am. He could hear her fumbling around in the kitchen and he knew she was fixing herself a warm cup of milk. She returned to her side of the bed and looked over at Mulder. He wasn't looking at her and she knew that he was very troubled. "You're mad at me..."
Mulder sat back against the headboard. He turned towards her. "Why do you need to talk to someone outside of us?"
"Because it involves us...Mulder, I need to get out of my own head!", she said, looking up to him. "How long have we been isolated from others...its been years. I used to have girlfriends I would hang out with but you became my world and it was just the two of us to love and depend on. I just need to have someone tell me I'm not crazy for feeling how I do. I can't tell them everything though, of course..."
Mulder crossed his arms, his eyes were narrowed and he nodded. "I think I understand..."
She turned her back towards him and pulled her long reddish hair into a pony tail. "You do?", she said, turning toward him. He moved up behind her in the bed, and tugged at her ponytail until her hair fell back down to her back. "Mulder..."
He slid his long arms around her waist, she was still so petite and fragile, he loved the way she felt in his arms. No other woman had ever fit into his arms like she did. Scully's heart fluttered as he pulled her in, it was amazing to her how safe she instantly felt in the those arms, she always had. Scully sighed, leaning into his chest. "Are you okay with me seeing a psychiatrist Mulder?"
Mulder breathed her in. "Alright, do you want me to drive you in the morning?"
"Don't you have some place to go?", she said, twisting to face him.
"No," he smiled. "Not now..."
Mulder paced the floor, walking over to the window. Scully sat in the chairs, skimming through the magazines. She tried not to look at the other 'patients'. They kept their eyes on Mulder, who continued to walk around nervously. "Are you sure you want to go in there alone?", he said, pulling at his tie. She grabbed his hand as he walked past her."Mulder, sit down," she whispered. He looked around at the waiting room, a woman sat with a young son gripping her purse every time Mulder came near her. He sat down next to Scully pulling out a fresh pack of sunflower seeds and placed a few in his mouth. She looked up at him. "Mulder, I'll be fine. How many times have we gone to doctors?"
"This is different! Scully, its a shrink!"
"Why because its me and not you," she smiled. Mulder looked her over. "Actually, yes, its you and not me. It would make more sense with me but you..."
She met his eyes. "I need to stop grieving and move past things, Mulder. I need to really let Emily go..."
"And William?", he said, touching her hand. "You can't let him go..."
She shook her head. "No, of course not", she said breathlessly. "But I need to let go of my guilt when it comes to William, " she said, rubbing her fingers against his pants leg. "I know your looking for him Mulder..."
Stunned, Mulder coughed. "How'd...how'd you know?"
An older man opened his door, his eyes staring at the manila folder in his hand. "Dana Scully?", he said, glancing to each person.
Scully stood up but Mulder held her hand. "I'm fine, Mulder," she said, wringing her hand out of his grip. He sat there a moment. The woman with the child looked at him sympathetically and he shot a nervous grin in her direction. The woman returned the smile. "Your wife will be fine, " she said. "He's a great doctor..."
"Thats good," Mulder nodded. "I'm glad..."
1 hr...1 hr and counting...Mulder thought to himself. Why wouldn't she let me at least sit in...no, no...don't start Mulder...Mulder shifted in his seat, he glanced out the window, sat back down and thumbed through magazines, finally tossing it to the seat next to him. The door opened and Scully walked out. Mulder jumped to his feet and grabbed her hand, she was clutching a tissue with her other hand. Without looking at Mulder, she turned to the doctor and waved. "Thank You, Dr. Stevens."
Dr. Stevens continued staring in his hands at another manila folder and spoke without glancing up, "I'll see you next week Dr. Scully."
Scully turned to Mulder, his hand still clutching hers. "What did he say?", he blurted out. Scully had been crying, her eyes still watery. She tried to straighten her face as she clutched a tissue wiping the tears away. "I'll tell you in a second," she said, pulling Mulder out of the waiting room. Impatiently, he snatched the tissue out of her hand. She gave him a look and Mulder's mouth tightened. "Well, what did he say?"
Scully stood against the wall, waiting for others to pass by until they were alone in the hallway. "He said it was the normal grieving process..."
"The normal grieving process...", Mulder sneered. "And?"
"He said in the case of Emily, its normal to grieve the death of a child and that over time it won't be so strong though the pain will always be there."
Mulder looked disoriented. "You lost Emily how many years ago?"
Scully rolled her eyes. "Mulder," she said, "There are parents that grieve for 20 plus years...it depends on the individual..."
"Yeah," he said, slightly annoyed. I could've told you that, he thought to himself.
"SO," she said, her patience wearing thin. "He said in the case of William, he said that birth parents often have guilt from giving up their children. He said its normal. He said there was often a lot of shame that birth parents feel and that if we don't talk out our problems," she said, sighing. "We can risk our relationship."
"Scully, we don't have a problem with our relationship!"
She touched his chest, "He wasn't saying that we have problems now but that if I keep feeling all this guilt bottled up inside of me not sharing it with you it can cause a rip between us..."
Mulder studied her face. "So will you start sharing your feelings with me?"
"You know how hard it is for me to do that," she sighed, her eyes lowered.
"Yeah...you say, 'I'm fine', you've told me that for years. I used to be afraid to dig deeper, afraid I'd push you away but now I just need to know. Scully you depend on me just as I depend on you but we can't keep things from each other..."
"Like the fact that your searching for William and keeping that from me?"
Mulder shifted his weight. "Do you blame me? I just need to know he's okay for you and me..."
"Why did you hide it from me?", she said, pushing a strand of reddish hair back from her face.
Mulder looked down into her eyes. "I didn't want you to get your hopes up...not until I found him. Do you know what it does to me to see your face every time a little boy walks by with my hair color or yours with blue eyes...or even a girl with red or blond hair...I think it hurts me more than how you use to look when you knew you couldn't have children, Scully."
She folded her arms together. She stood next to him her red head barely reaching his shoulder. She wore black slacks and a blue top that showed off her figure and it felt like her clothes were tightening against her. Mulder had revealed something very personal and it angered her.
"Did you hear me, Scully?', he said, watching as her face stiffened. "I said, it hurts me to see you go through that...thats why I didn't want to tell you I've been searching for William."
"I heard you, " she said, looking at the floor. "I know it hurts you, I know you don't want me to be sad or..."
"It kills me," he interrupted. "Scully, he was my son too."
She looked up at that, surprised. He continued to speak, "You're not in this alone."
"No, no I'm not..."
"Then let me in," he said, grasping her hand. She looked into Mulders eyes and she could see tears forming. "I will...I'll let you in. No more secrets. Well...I don't want to know about any tips or sightings until you find him, really find him. I know you will, Mulder. I also know you need to do that. As for me, I need to focus on my patients and our lives together. I'll let you try to find him and I won't question you...I know that one day we'll find him somehow though and then I can deal with it but no, I don't want to get my hopes up, that would be too painful."
He gathered her up in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "Alright, we'll do that.", he said releasing her. She put her hand in his and he started leading her down the hall. "So, are you going back to the good doctor?', he said, turning towards her.
"No, I don't think so," she said, as they walked to their car.
"Why not?"
"He wasn't that attentive," she smiled. "Of course I'm used to that," she said shooting a look in Mulder's direction.
"Ah!", he said, opening her door. He slid into the drivers seat and sat there. "So no more visits to talk things out with someone 'outside of us'?"
She smiled meekly. "Actually, I liked talking things out but I think I better find someone who doesn't remind me so much of you..."
"But he's an old man...how does he remind you of me?"
"Oh, definitely not physically," she smiled wickedly.
Mulder sat up. "Well thats a good thing!"
"I just need to find someone to talk too that, you know...listens...", she giggled.
"Ah!", he nodded. "I listen Scully...eventually..."
Scully held Mulder's hand. "I feel much better Mulder. I'm actually pretty tired. Get us home, I think I need to go to sleep..."