Disclaimer: Me no own Glee... me do own this story though! Re-writing some old stories to fit in with my recent obsession with Glee... as I don't like SWAC anymore.

A/N: This could be triggering – mentions of self harm and eating disorders.

Silent Agony

"I'm sorry, Rachel.. I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you."

"Why not?" She looked up at him, confusion evident in her eyes as he looked away,

"I love you so much to watch you do this to yourself anymore. It hurts too much."

"I-I'm sorry, Finn.. I can try, I can stop.. please don't leave me. I don't know what to do without you." Tears fell down her pale face as she looked at the boy she loved so much,

"I can't do this, Rachel.. I love you more than you can ever imagine but I can't sit back and watch you do this to yourself any longer. It's too difficult."

"No! Please.." She reaches out to grab his hand as he turns away from her, "Please, I can't do this anymore either. I will try to stop, please don't leave me.. please."

"I have to.. for your sake." He shook his head, walking away from her, turning back just once to watch the girl he loved so much cry, her head down, her arms wrapped around herself. He wanted nothing more to go running back to her but instead, he turned back around and ran home. He took one last look, one last glance at the love of his life, before giving up on her and leaving.

~ Six Months Earlier ~

Silent tears ran down her face as she looked at herself in the mirror, she wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to be rehearsing for sectionals right now, but instead she was standing in the bathroom, looking at herself in the small top that exposed her stomach – she was supposed to be wearing it for the performance but instead she was standing there, wondering what it would be like to be as thin as Quinn.

She wasn't sure what had brought on the thoughts about what she looked like, she had never really thought about it too much before – sure, she was vegan, but that was nothing to do with vanity, it was to do with making her body as healthy as she possibly could. She had honestly thought she had nothing to worry about before, but now this was senior year and everything was different, and she wasn't sure if she looked good enough to be in New York anymore.

Something had clicked into place for her earlier when Quinn was talking about weight and food, as she looked through a magazine, going on and on about who was thin and who wasn't. It had got to her, and she had no idea why. She could remember just looking at the girl, rolling her eyes and laughing as she thought about Finn and herself – she knew she had lost him once before to Quinn but they were happier than they had been in a long time now. She could never imagine Finn caring about the menial thing of weight, as she sat there watching Quinn poke and prod her stomach in the mirror just moments before as she changed into her own outfit, before leaving.

It was unusual for Rachel; nobody had really said anything about weight or food at home. Her dads just promoted healthy eating, but never mentioned weight loss. She sighed and shook her head, she thought she had always been so proud of her body, hence why she never joined in with Quinn and the other girls when they scrutinized their own flaws. Her body was well looked after, and nobody ever commented on her weight – something she wasn't sure was a good thing or a bad thing. She had never really thought of weight before, but for some reason as she was sitting there, reading a magazine that Quinn had thrown at her in a huff, weight was the only thing on her mind.

'Is she thinking about my weight and throwing subtle hints my way? Does she wonder why I keep myself out of those conversations? Does she think I'm... fat? Am I not good enough for Finn, in her eyes?' As quickly as the thoughts had come, she pushed them aside again, telling herself to stop being so stupid. But for some reason, the day the thoughts carried on.

There was no underlying cause for why she began to diet, her friends (well, Glee club members.. family) had mentioned weight before, Kurt and Mercedes had dieted before to the extreme, and she knew the Cheerio's were always on a new diet to lose as much weight as they could. Finn never mentioned weight to her, and when she had asked him about it, he replied with a simple, "I love you for who you are, not what you look like." She found herself wondering if it was a compliment or not, and she knew that before the thoughts began, she would have been proud of him for saying such an amazing, romantic thing.

The thoughts just kept coming though, combined with the stress of trying to get into NYADA and doing well in Glee club, the school show and exams, and one day she found herself sitting in front of her laptop, looking for quick weight loss techniques. She spent half the night looking at them when she finally decided she would cut out anything that could be deemed as junk food – she knew she had the occasional bite to eat when she was with Finn mostly, or at a sleepover with Kurt.

"Rachel, are you going to eat that?" Puck asked, watching the girl as she shook her head and stood up, about to walk out of the cafeteria. It was exactly three weeks into her diet and it seemed to be so much more than that, already. She found herself cutting out some of the things she had always ranted on about needing for it to be a healthy died – she was already a vegan so it was easy to get away with most things, but she had now cut out carbohydrates, too.

Quinn shook her head, biting her lip in unusual concern for the girl she hated to admit, she thought of as a friend, "You've not been eating a lot lately." She hesitated before speaking, not really wanting to come across as actually caring about the girl. Rachel just shrugged and sighed,

"I just haven't been feeling well these past few days." Lie number one of the day. She flashed her famous show smile and went to turn away, but Quinn was quicker than her, grabbing her arm.

"Are you sure you don't want to eat anything? I know there's not many vegan options here but.."

"Maybe later.. I have emergency food in my locker for moments when the cafeteria doesn't quite live up to my vegan expectations." Quinn smiled and sat back down again, nodding. Puck shook his head in momentary shock as he looked from Quinn to Rachel,

"Just sit down, my American Jewish Princess... Finn should be here soon." She nodded and sat back down, playing with her water bottle. She was scared they had found out about her unhealthy diet – it was just a diet, after all, but she didn't want them to force her to stop. Maybe, she thought, they wanted her to be fatter.

"Rachel, are you okay?" Tina looked up from her own food and looked over at the girl, she just shook her head and stared down at the table, trying to calm her own thoughts down.

"Nothing is wrong, I am perfectly fine.. thank you for asking, Tina." She tried to smile at the girl but was stopped when Mike stared at her,

"You're shaking.. are you cold?" He frowned and looked at the scene in front of him, Rachel just shook her head, surprising herself at the tears that ran down her face. She hadn't even noticed she was crying until Quinn wrapped her arms around her shoulders, the blonde girl ignoring the stares of shock.

It took a moment for Rachel to compose herself, grinning her best show smile at them, "I'm great, honestly.. thank you for all your concern but I am fine.. probably just hormones, you know." She stood up again and continued her smile, "I think I'm going to go the bathroom and sort my make-up out." She laughed a little and walked off before another word could be said.

She was glad to be alone when she got the bathroom, it seemed like it was the first time she got a chance to be alone all day. Lunch period was always the hardest and she had managed to get away with it until today, she sighed and took a look around the bathroom before walking into a stall.

She shut the door behind her and locked it, desperate to get the little food she had ate at lunch – a salad, with plenty of vegetables to keep her going – she stuck her fingers down her throat. Nobody thought she could do this, nobody believed she would care about such a menial thing and that was what kept her going, the fact that everyone was so far behind her in her game, the game she created in her own head, the game nobody was taking part in yet.. except for her, of course.

When she was done she stepped out of the bathroom stall, she looked in the bathroom mirror – her face was red with tears dripping down her face and bits of vomit in her hair. She took one hard look at the girl in the mirror and wondered what happened to Rachel Berry, hardly recognising the girl in the mirror. She shook her head and fell to the floor as sobs overtake her fragile body.

"Are you okay?" She looked up to see Quinn, panicking for a moment, wondering how long she had been there, how much she had heard. "Yeah, I'm absolutely fine.. just.. well, I said it before.. stupid hormones." She laughed a little, standing up, not turning to look at the girl as she turned to scrub her face to get rid of any vomit or tear traces. She fumbled around, looking for make-up, dabbing it on when she finally found some. She looked in the mirror again, ignoring the way Quinn stared at her.

She finally put on her show smile and turned to look at the other girl in the room, "Are you okay, Rachel?"

"I'm great, thank you."

"You can tell me if anything is wrong, Rachel.. I know I haven't exactly been your best friend, or even your friend but.. you've always been here for me." Rachel grinned as best she could before nodding and making her way out of the bathroom.

She smiled at herself as she walked away, strangely proud of herself; the secrecy, the lies and all the control she felt. She didn't know who she had become but at the same time, she loved it. She hated looking in the mirror and breaking down but she loved how she felt at the end of the day. In a way, every single time she went without food, she felt an almost high, like she was doing something good, something right, something worthwhile. Life was in her control, and if she didn't get into her college of choice, at least she knew she controlled something.

Rachel sighed when she got home to an empty house, walking upstairs slowly before going to her bedroom to look in the mirror. She slowly lifted up her shirt, holding all her fat in her hands – to someone looking at the scene in front of them, they would see a girl wasting away, not an inch of fat ever existed on her small body but to Rachel, there was more fat on her body than anyone could ever imagine.

She imagined cutting it off with a large knife and then it occurred to her.. she needed to be punished for almost getting caught earlier in the day. She needed to be punished for the weakness, she bit her lip as she looked around, her eyes finally setting on scissors that sat on her dressing table. She ran into the bathroom, scared someone would walk in – even though nobody was ever home.

She sat down on the toilet, sighing before digging the scissors deep into her bare legs, dragging it in a neat line across her skin. She watched the blood drip down and smiled a little, now she would think twice before letting herself get into that predicament ever again. She looked once more at her leg before pulling her skirt back down, making a note to herself to hide this all a lot better. People were onto her.. they were going to try and take part in her game, trying to compete with her, they were going to try and stop her. She shook her head as she walked back to the mirror, she wouldn't let them catch up to her.

She thought about all the excuses she made over the past few weeks alone, looking forward to the rest about to come. Alone with the lies and deceit, and in a way, she looked forward to it. She enjoyed it. She jumped back from the mirror as her phone rang, grinning when she saw the name pop up on her phone, "Hey!"

"Hey, babe." She almost melted at the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone,

"How are you?" She asked, sitting down on her bed, "I'm great thanks.. how about you?"

"I'm amazing.. thank you." She smiled once again, glancing at the mirror. Deep down she really wanted to burst into tears, No Finn, please help me. I can't do this.. it's getting too hard already. But she didn't and she couldn't, she wanted to stay strong. After all, the game was only just beginning.

"Want to go out somewhere? For a movie or something?" Finn asked,

"Yeah.. meet you outside in ten." They said their goodbyes before hanging up. She put her phone on the side and looked around her bedroom, she finally settled – after much debate – to wear a pair of jeans and a baggy top. She grinned at herself in the mirror, trying to practise her 'normal Rachel Berry' routine before going outside to her boyfriend.

"Hey!" She shouted at him when he got to her door, he grinned at her before kissing her gently on the lips and opened the car door for her. She thanked him, kissing his cheek before getting in, watching him get in the other side to drive away.

She walked into his house after a while, following him into the kitchen, "Are you hungry?"

"No, I ate loads at lunch and daddy will have probably been in the kitchen again, so there will be a buffet awaiting me when I get home." She laughed and sat down as he made himself a sandwich,

"Do you promise?" He whispered to her, kissing her forehead, smiling a little as he carried on making his own food. She nodded, suddenly terrified that something was wrong, biting down on her lip as hard as she could. "You've lost some weight recently..." He tried to shrug it off, despite the bad feeling he had.

"Really? I never really noticed, I've been so busy." She shifted in her seat and bit down on her lip again, hoping he would believe her. She noticed the concern in his eyes and she grinned widely, standing up to wrap her arms around his neck to look into his eyes. "I promise I am eating, Finn, you can ask my dads if you don't believe me." She smiled when he seemed satisfied with her answer,

"As long are you're okay then." Rachel nodded and looked around, wondering why he brought her to the house, "Do you want to watch a DVD?" He finally said, as though he read her mind and she nodded as he grabbed her hand to lead her into the sitting room. "So, Die Hard One or Two?" He grinned at her, noticing the horror on her face, "I'm just messing, pick whatever you want."

She laughed and put 'Rent' in, Finn wrapped his arms around her as they both sat down, pushing her back onto the couch. He kissed her gently on the lips before she could get him off of her, she just giggled at the gesture and pushed him away gently. "As romantic as this is, Finn.. your parents or Kurt could walk in at any second." He just laughed before kissing her again and pulling away completely.

Halfway through the movie she realized Finn was staring at her instead of watching the screen, making her increasingly uncomfortable before turning to him, "What are you staring at?" She whispered, wondering if he was looking at her and realizing he was too good for someone like her.

"You." He shrugged; he had started to notice something different about her lately, the way she always seemed to wear baggy clothes lately, to cover herself up.

"C-can I ask.. why?" She took a deep breath, preparing herself for the blow she was convinced was about to come, Finn realized how uncomfortable she was beginning to get, her arms wrapped around herself as she nibbled on her lower lip.

"You are just.. so beautiful. Never forget that, okay?" He pulled her arms from around herself, lifting her head up to meet his eyes, kissing her gently, "Thank you." She whispered when he pulled away.

Ignore him, he doesn't mean it, he will never mean it. You are not beautiful, you are ugly. You will never be good enough for him, you are not like the other girls he has dated – you're not like Quinn. You're the one he feels sorry for, you have to change if you want to stay with him, if you ever want him to love you. You have to be beautiful and thin, you have to be everything you're not. Change Rachel, don't you want to be just like Quinn? Just like the other girls?

Rachel broke away from the kiss as she heard the voice she had been hearing for a few days now, she had no idea what it was or why it came about. She had been able to push it to the back of her mind before, but now it seemed to be the only thing she could think of. She couldn't tell anyone about it though – they all thought she was crazy already, this would only confirm that. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing is wrong. Why would anything be wrong?" She looked at him as though she was about to cry and she knew Finn had noticed before she could hide it. "Did I do something wrong?" He asked, and not for the first time, she noticed that uncertainty in his eyes, and she heard it in his voice.

"No.. why does everything have to be about you?" She shouted at him, seeing the hurt in his eyes the moment the words came out, "I-I'm sorry." She whispered, looking down, "I'm so sorry." She started to cry, feeling his arms around her as she put her head in her hands, trying to stop herself as she heard the voice once more.

No, don't cry, not in front of him. You have to wait until no one is around, do you want him to find out and stop you? Do you want to get caught? Do you? Are you stupid? They will stop us! They will ruin us, they will break your control and they will make you eat everything. You will get fatter, and this weight you've lost recently will come back. Do you want to achieve pure perfection, Rachel? They are jealous of you and your control, do you want me to go away? Because that is what will happen if they find out, they will take me away from you and you will be all alone.

Rachel quickly wiped the tears away and smiled, "Sorry.. I'm fine. Honestly." She tried to laugh it off, knowing he wasn't fooled.

"I'm so worried about you.." He whispered, holding her until she pulled away again,

"Don't be.. I just.. don't.. why can't you leave me alone? I'm fine. Nothing is wrong with me!" She ran as fast as she could from him and his unwanted pity, she didn't need him anyway, she didn't need anyone.

Nothing, nothing is wrong and asking is against the rules, crying is against the rules. You're strong, don't let them break you. They are trying to destroy you.