Everything goes nutso, Ratchet and Clank style
by SoulfulZen
Cosmical thingeemabobbers
Something goes freaky somewhere up in the sky and strange things happen. Many stories over many topics, all under the title "Everything goes nutso".
Hello, I'm SoulfulZen. This is the first fic in my "Everything goes nutso" series. No, it won't be just the same story with different characters, it will be more or less messed up depending on the series. Warning, some of these might be or be changed to R-rating. I'm a dirty, bawdy little monkey.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ratchet, Clank or any other characters. They belong to Insomniac studioes. But I owned them once, just once, and for only a second, 'cuz then I woke up.
(Somewhere in space, near two humungous red and green planets which are in contact and rotating to each other, Ratchet and Clank fly by in their ship)
Clank: Ratchet, I assume we discussed why this is insane?
Ratchet: I know, I know. These two planets are polar, and the planets alternate between attracting and repelling every fifteen minutes.
Clank: And how long does it take to get between them?
Ratchet: Seventeen minutes.
Clank: Now do the math. Seventeen minus fifteen equals?
Ratchet: Two minutes.
Clank: In which we are flattened like pancakes.
Ratchet: But that blueprint capsule floats between them. The one with plans for the strongest armor and weaponry in the universe? AND the cutest robot girl?
Clank: But is it really worth it?
Ratchet: Hell yes! With that gear, I can save Angela from that slime planet she's stuck in! (yes, in)
Clank: (sigh) All right. Get it over with. We have 15 seconds before the planets separate.
As the two began their approach to the point of contact, and because these planets are highly viscous liquid planets (like a gummi rock, but not soft), that point is pretty big, the planets began separating. Ratchet began to bring his ship to full speed.
Ratchet: Aaaaand... now!
He gunned his engine and began flying full speed into the mess. As his ship's nose hit the point of contact, the planets continued apart. He was going through as fast as he could. About eight minutes later, he saw the capsule, and with his bare hand, grabbed it and pulled it into his ship. He then gunned the engines again to catch up with the separation. He had seven minutes left, and he wasn't even halfway through.
Clank: The walls are coming together behind us!
And so they were. The two were two minutes from the entrance when the point where the planets sucked together again was chasing them
Ratchet: Uuunngh! It's catching up on us! And the controls are totally crushing my groin!
Clank: Deal with it!
The end was visible at last! They still had to hurry! They had not a moment to spare!
Ratchet: That's it! Time to pull out my secret weapon! (hits a switch on the dashboard)
Clank: What in the world are you doiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
Ratchet: (struggling against the Gs pushing him into his seat) Afterburners!
Yes, he had literally put on the afterburners. They got out alive. And as I type this, I must be pretty wasted, because the top half of my text is floating to the left, off of my screen and into the sky, and I'm neither high nor drunk. I need sleep.
Clank: We made it!
Ratchet: Hell yes, bee-yotch! Wait. Hey Clank, why are you in the driver's seat? And why am I in the passenger side seat? I could have sworn that I was driving through those planets.
Clank: That's odd. My scanner says that you indeed WERE driving. Maybe it was something to do with those afterburners and the shifting magnetic fields. Maybe they switched our locations.
Ratchet: Whatever. It's probably nothing important.
(two months later, Clank's bachelor pad and apartment in Megapolis, chatting in the main room, not as buddies, but as mechanic and patient)
Clank: Well, the strange thing is that I've been having this odd sensation in my legs.
Ratchet: Woah. That's odd, especially since you can't feel. Tell me, do you want to scratch at it?
Clank: Yes! Yes that's what my motherboards are telling me to do.
Ratchet: How can a robot have itchy legs? And how odd is it that I sprained my ankle yesterday and never felt it? It's like we have the exact opposite symptoms of one another.
Do you all think that that's a little odd? Well, it gets weirder. Something in the cosmos shifted, and it's going to affect more than just Ratchet's area of the universe. Just wait. Things get more messed up as it goes. Remember, Confucius say "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.", and that I know a lot.