Okay, so, this is a little idea that came to mind, and it's a simple short oneshot. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to SVU. However, I do own Ava. So go me for creating humorous EO children.
"Daddy?"
Elliot Stabler looked up from the newspaper he was reading. His five year old daughter stood before him, her brown curls pulled into a ponytail. "Yeah, pumpkin?"
"What do boys like?" Ava climbed into his lap.
He frowned. "Why?"
"I wanna know!"
"Well… boys like video games and… cars." He studied her closely. "Why?"
"Am I supposed to have a boyfriend?"
"Not until you're thirty five. Sorry, kiddo. If you bring any boys home, I'm gonna lock you in your room forever and never let you come out."
"Sorry, Daddy. I already got one." Ava crossed her arms. Elliot's eyes widened, and Ava grinned ear to ear. She had to be kidding. No way in hell was his five year old daughter dating some boy he didn't even know.
"Whoa, whoa, no you don't," he protested. "You're kidding, right? Please tell me you're kidding. You're just being silly, aren't you? You don't have a boyfriend."
"I'm not being silly!" Ava argued. "He's in my school and we're gonna get married next week. We hold hands at recess."
"You are not getting married, Ava Victoria Stabler."
"I am too."
"Are not."
"Am too. He said we're getting married on the playground. So there!" Ava sat down beside him. "I need a dress and some new shoes and a pretty ring." She fluttered her little eyelashes at him and pursed her lips. He sighed. Other than having his eyes and mouth, she was the spitting image of Olivia.
"You need to tell him goodbye. No boys. Not yet."
"Nuh uh. He's my boyfriend. I'm gonna kiss him tomorrow."
"Then you're not going to school tomorrow."
"But I have to get married tomorrow!" Ava whined. "If I don't, he won't be my boyfriend anymore, Daddy!"
"That's the point, sweet pea. I'll have him put in another class room."
"You're not nice anymore, Daddy." Ava stuck her bottom lip out. "I'm getting married anyway, so there."
"Alright. Tell me about this boyfriend. How old is he? What's his name?"
"Adam. He's six."
"Ava, that's one year older than you. So end the engagement now." Elliot scowled at her.
"No!" Ava whined. "Daddy, don't you love me anymore?" His heart melted, but he kept his serious expression.
"That's why you can't date until you're thirty five."
"That's forever! You'll be dead!"
"Hey!"
"Fine. I won't marry Adam."
He sighed in relief. "Thank God."
"I'll just date him forever and kiss him."
"No."
"Then let me get married! You can help!"
"No," Elliot insisted. "Look, you're too little to date, let alone get married. Marriage is gross, isn't it? That's what your brother says!"
"But you and Mommy are married! And you kiss and make funny sounds at night! I wanna kiss and make funny sounds!"
His eyes widened more, if at all possible. Damn it... he thought. "Okay, no, and that second one is a big no."
"Why? What do you and Mommy do?" Ava pried, staring at him blankly. "Do you cuddle?"
"Sure. We cuddle. That's all we do at night. No funny sounds." He tried his best not to blush, but he could feel his skin warming up, and Ava rolled her cerulean eyes in disbelief.
"You're a liar, Daddy. I'm going to make those sounds."
"No, you won't. I'll go to school with you if I have to. I'll make sure this Adam kid stays far, far away." Elliot stood up. "Bath time."
"No. You gotta talk to me! I need to get married! I wanna get married and have a baby."
"You have baby dolls."
"But they aren't real!"
"Good. Then they won't date without asking their daddy first." Elliot picked her up and carried her into the bathroom. The little girl tried to wiggle out of his grasp as he pulled her jeans and tee shirt off and lifted her into the tub.
"But babies are cute! I want a real one. You and Mommy can help me change its poop, though. Poop smells."
"See? You don't want a real baby, do you?"
"Yes." She looked up at him with her big blue eyes. "Where do babies come from?"
With a sigh, Elliot stood up. "Liv! I need you!"
The things kids say... review?