In Loving Memory
Vic awoke from a deep slumber, feeling pleasantly refreshed. Sunlight was streaming through the east-facing window. Tiny dust motes, highlighted by the sun, danced in the air before they fell to the floor. She quietly stretched her arms, noting that Walt was still asleep beside her. She turned to sneak a better look at him. He had lovely long eyelashes which she adored, although had never mentioned it to him, fearing he would be embarrassed by that. He was still asleep, breathing deeply, occasionally letting out a soft sigh as he moved from deep sleep into light slumber. She liked to look at him when he was sleeping. Walt too, liked to look at Vic when she was asleep.
Vic rolled back to the edge of her side of the bed and reached into the top drawer of the night stand, hoping to find her little roll of chapstick. Instead, she found a rolled up piece of paper. With the paper in hand, she left the bed silently and padded barefoot into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. At the table there, she looked at the piece of paper. She was astonished to read on the front of the paper, "In Loving Memory of Martha Longmire, 1964-2012". It was the program for Martha's funeral.
Vic was taken aback by her discovery. She bit her bottom lip. She tried to hold back a sudden flood of tears but was unsuccessful. She felt confused and sad and hurt. She wondered why Walt would have left the funeral program in HER nightstand. The persistent fear crept back. Was this a subtle message left for Vic? Was she that dense that she could not read the signs? Surely Walt wouldn't be that cruel. Vic thought a little more about it. Could she have misread Walt's awkward suggestion that she move in with him? Maybe that was it. She frowned as she poured herself a cup of coffee. She thought about it some more. Or maybe she had actually been sleeping on Walt's preferred side of the bed and he was too polite to admit it. Vic left the kitchen, headed for the front porch to catch the sunrise. The sense of sadness persisted within her. She also regretted feeling a little self-centered about it. Martha had died and here Vic was, feeling sorry for herself, feeling put upon somehow by the sad little piece of paper.
Martha's funeral program lay in a curled heap on the kitchen counter, a few inches from the now-empty tea box which had once held her ashes. The fresh coffee in Walt's French press, sat cooling. It was not clear whether Walt had known that Henry had told Vic about what the tea box had recently contained.
Walt stirred in bed, his arm reaching out for Vic. He found her side of the bed empty. An enticing smell of coffee was coming from the kitchen. After a quick shower, Walt stepped into the kitchen ready to start his day off with a mug of coffee and a kiss from Vic. In the empty kitchen he poured his coffee, noting the tea box on the counter. Next to it sat a piece of paper, curled into a roll. The paper seemed somehow familiar and yet for a moment Walt could not recall what it was. He'd not seen it for months. When he picked up the textured roll of paper he recalled that it was the program from his late wife's funeral.
Walt also noted sadly the tea box on the counter. He put two and two together and realized that Vic must have seen both. A few days before, Walt had intended to store the tea box away where it would not be seen, but he had been interrupted by a phone call and subsequently forgot.
He now deduced that Vic must have found Martha's notice in the nightstand where he had placed it, that day months ago when he was getting ready for the trial. As the date for jury selection and trial came closer, he recalled that both Henry and Cady had nagged at him to look at his wardrobe. Walt had complied. He had glanced briefly at the one suit he owned, and declared it suitable. Cady bought him a new dress shirt and Henry selected a suitable tie from the two that Walt owned. He knew that he had dress shoes that would suffice. He had only tried on the suit on the day of the jury selection. To his surprise that morning, he had discovered the funeral program in his jacket pocket. After a moment of surprise and weary sadness, Walt had simply placed the program into the closest hiding spot, which turned out to be the nightstand by the bed. He could not have known at the time, that THAT particular nightstand (and that side of the bed) would be claimed by Vic one day.
After this brief reflection, Walt went outside, looking for Vic. He found her sitting in the oversized old wicker chair on the front porch, looking off into the distance where there was a beautiful sunrise making its way over the distant hills. He could tell instantly that she had been crying.
Vic's face was clouded with doubt. Even though her marriage to Sean had been flawed, she had, at least SOME idea of what he was feeling. Or at least what he was mad about. As much as she cared for Walt, there were plenty of occasions when she had no idea how he felt, either about himself or about her. She knew deep down that he loved her and she loved him. But at times she needed more. More talking. More holding. More feedback. A little less of Walt's eternal focus on the evils of Jacob Nighthorse.
Walt sat next to Vic on the porch, and pulled her into a careful embrace. "Vic," he whispered to the top of her head, where it lay against his chest. "I saw the funeral program on the counter." His voice was tinged with sadness. Sorrow for Martha. For himself. For Cady. And now for Vic. "I wasn't trying to hide that from you. I just didn't intend for you to see it just yet. Where was it?" he asked.
Vic felt tired. Her sense of well-being that morning had quickly turned into a feeling of exhaustion. It felt to her like it took too much energy to explain her feelings. "It was in the nightstand," she replied to Walt. "I thought it was ok for me to take that side of the bed," she said lamely. "I guess it wasn't ok."
Tears started to fall again and Walt could feel them on the front of his shirt. He could feel the tension in her body. He'd had just a little bit of time to think. He ran his hand in small soft circles on Vic's back. "Vic. I think I know what happened. Remember the trial? I had to wear that stupid suit. I only have the one. Cady and Henry and Dave MADE me wear it. So I gave it a quick look in the closet where it had been hanging for years. On the first day of jury selection, I put the damn thing on and then finally checked the pockets. It was only then that I realized that I had last worn the suit at Martha's service." Walt paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. He continued, hoping that Vic would understand. "When I found the program in the pocket, it just made me so sad. I wanted to get rid of it, so I put it in the drawer where I was sitting. It never occurred to me that anyone would find it."
Vic sat there, leaning into Walt's embrace, feeling numb. She felt miserable and immature. Insecure about her budding relationship with Walt. Uncertain about his true feelings for her. Nothing was straightforward with Walt Longmire. She was worried about the perception of the community regarding their complex relationship. There had been gossip about them. After all, Walt was her boss, and was also 16 years her senior. He had a daughter who was about her age and at times Cady seemed to express ambivalence about her dad's relationship. Vic's parents had never hesitated to express their disapproval. She was upset because she thought that maybe Walt was finally able to move forward after the loss of Martha, but maybe Vic had misread things. All of these worries were crowding her mind.
Vic started to sob. She hated crying in front of other people. It made her feel weak. "I thought that maybe you had left it there for me to find. Or that you kept it there because you still can't let Martha go," she offered. And then for good measure, she added pathetically in a voice that grew dim, "or maybe that was your side of the bed and I took it, but you didn't want to say anything."
Vic wanted to move. She wanted to get up and run to the hills across the grassy field in front of the cabin. Maybe she could outrun all these awful feelings. She felt terrible for herself, and now she felt childish and insensitive about Walt's loss.
Walt tightened his grip on Vic very slightly. He felt her need for flight. "Vic. Stay here. Listen to me. How could you think that? I love you. I want you to be here with me and for you to be happy. I thought you WERE happy here. I'd never do anything cruel like that." He felt exasperated at the degree to which Vic was upset about this.
Yes, he had loved Martha dearly and had struggled for years to accept her death. And to be able to let her go. But Vic had galloped into his life and into his heart and soul. And these days he felt quite light, with incredible joy in his heart. Particularly since Vic had agreed to move into the cabin.
"Vic. It's taken me YEARS to accept Martha's death. And to be able to move forward with my life. I'm so incredibly happy that you are here and are a big part of my life – the center of my life now. After all this time, and after all that we've been through, I'd never do anything to hurt you like that. I never thought I could love someone again, but there you were, and you've shown me an entirely new level of love and happiness. In fact, I thought you were happy too." Walt was puzzled.
He continued, carefully measuring his pace and choice of words. "Do you know about the tea box?"
"Yes, Henry told me about it once. I saw that on the kitchen counter today too. That, combined with the program, left me feeling hurt and confused. I thought maybe it was a sign that you regretted my being here. Or that it was somehow a statement about Martha's place in your life." Vic realized that she sounded juvenile and petty. "I also feel bad that I have these feelings. I don't want to upset you, Walt."
Walt, sensing her anguish, said slowly, "Vic. I'm sorry that it took me so long to be able to tell you that I love you. It did take me an awfully long time, didn't it?" He squeezed her arm gently with his hand. "I'm a bit slow at times."
"Yeah, took a long friggin' time," Vic said, with a hint of her old self and a tiny smile on her face that Walt could not see. "Thought you'd never come to your senses." She started to relax a little bit and squeezed Walt's leg with her hand. Walt sensed that they were finally getting to the core of what was upsetting Vic.
"Well," said Walt. "The reason it took me such a long time, was that it was such a struggle for me to accept Martha's death. Not only that she was dying of cancer, but that she was murdered in the end. As you know, that messed me up for quite a few years. And Martha had made me promise that Cady wouldn't find out about how she died. That caused a huge rift between us for a long time. It all made me incredibly angry and self destructive at times. It affected my relationships with everyone. I guess I knew deep down, that I had feelings for you from early on, but I just couldn't bring you into it. You were married to Sean and then later on, I didn't think I was worthy of your love. It took me a few extra years to figure it all out. Believe me when I say this – I love you with all of my heart and there's no doubt of that. I never planned to hide the program from you. Remember you wanted to see the old photo albums and to hear more about Martha. I'm ok with that. I'm finally able to look at the old photos without crying. And as for the tea box, I had intended to put that away in storage. I got interrupted the other day."
"Walt. Did I take your side of the bed? You'd tell me, wouldn't you? That was another thought I had."
"Vic. For many years after Martha died, I slept on the couch. Or in the jail cell. Or I drank myself silly and didn't sleep at all. I got that bed just a few months ago, and have been sleeping in the middle of it. I hadn't picked a side of the bed yet. When you agreed to move in here, I was totally happy sleeping on any part of the bed, as long as you were there with me," Walt said, now with a smile on his face, thinking of their time in bed together. That was another cause of delight for Walt. He shifted in the chair, and moved Vic so that she was facing him. "Please tell me that you understand."
Walt paused. "Vic. There may be other things around the house that were Martha's or relate to her in some way. I haven't looked in a few years, but there may be letters or photos. I'm sorry. If that upsets you, it upsets me."
"No, Walt," Vic explained, feeling the need to soften her voice. "It's not stuff related to Martha that would upset me. What got to me was the funeral notice and that it was in the nightstand beside where I slept." She paused. "I thought it was a sign or something, like you thought maybe it was a mistake for me to be here." She looked to Walt's face for reassurance. "Of course there are photos and letters and photo albums and maybe some clothes that relate to Martha. You were married to her for decades and she's Cady's mom. I wouldn't expect you to get rid of all that. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to hide it all from me."
Walt looked at Vic and said, "Vic, I guess we should have talked more about this kind of stuff. But, as usual, I'm not very good at it." Walt grew tired. He was tired of hiding his feelings. But he was also tired of dealing with feelings, but the women in his life always seemed to want to talk about feelings. He was tired of being misunderstood. Most of the time, it was his own doing. Seeing how upset Vic was, he vowed to do better. To express a little more. To say more. To love more. He would start with Vic. And then move on to Cady. And Henry. Hell, even Ruby and Ferg.
Walt cleared his throat. "Vic. Hear me now. I love you to bits. I have no hesitation in saying that. You ARE the center of my life now and I want you to know that and believe that. There will always be memories and mementos of Martha. That can't be helped. It's always going to be hard to NOT think about her at Christmas time or on Cady's birthday."
Walt paused to let some of his words sink in. He held onto Vic as they watched the sun warm the distant hills. "Vic. Feel my heart here." Walt put Vic's hand on his chest. "That's my heart in here, beating. It's filled with joy now that you're here with me. And it's filled with love. Thanks to you. After Martha died, I was a broken man. Really messed up. But you've brought me great joy. You've made me feel complete. You've filled all the cracks in me and have completed my life."
Vic felt a small smile forming on her face. She knew how hard it was for Walt to communicate his feelings. And she knew how hard it had been for him to come to terms with Martha's death. She had loved Walt for a long time, but for so long was afraid that they would be able to find love together.
They talked on the porch for a long time. The porch seemed to invite it. Vic suggested to Walt that if he were comfortable with it, they should talk more about Martha. It might be painful but it could also be cathartic. It wasn't going to be resolved all at once, but they both agreed that it was worthwhile. It was also an important subject matter that they had been avoiding.
Little by little, they could work through some of the issues that were puzzling or upsetting or annoying. They were both committed to see it through. They started making a verbal list of issues for discussion. Vic stated that one of her worries was that she was unsure of how she fit into the picture ALONGSIDE Martha. Vic's phrasing caught Walt off guard. She immediately picked up on his tension, as he stared off into the distance, his eyes blinking more than usual. Once again he had tried to hide that he was upset. Vic gave him a minute to blink away some tears.
"See," Vic said gently. "You're trying to hide from it. Just feel what you need to feel, Walt. And let it out," Vic said encouragingly. "I said ALONGSIDE Martha on purpose. Because I don't think you can let her go just yet. That's ok. I'm not trying to be cruel about it. Now I think I understand it a little better. Maybe you've been compartmentalizing. I don't want to replace her or make you guys so uncomfortable that you and Cady have to push her away in my presence," Vic said, no anger in her voice. Walt's devotion to Martha was truly admirable.
Walt sighed. As usual, he was uncomfortable, but also encouraged by Vic's realistic take on things. Letting go was very difficult. Talking about it was also difficult.
"Vic. As usual, you're right. I guess I thought I'd be able to let Martha go, but I'm not there yet," Walt said.
"That's ok, Walt. It's different with Sean and me. We both wanted the marriage to end. But…Martha was taken from you. It's an entirely different kind of loss and ending. You can't just turn your love off," Vic offered.
Walt reached for her hand. He admired Vic's analysis and her courage to put it all into words. Words he felt but could not say. "Yes, that's true. But I've had several years now, Vic, to realize that my heart is very much filled with love for you now. It's a NEW kind of love. Different than the kind I had with Martha. And I think Martha would be ok with that, and I think she'd like you."
After quite a lot of time and discussion, both Vic and Walt felt that they had made progress. They agreed to continue to discuss things. Later on, Walt admitted that he still worried a lot about the different in their ages. Vic in turn, confessed that she was not entirely sure she wanted another baby. And she said that it would be weird if they had a baby together around the same time that it might be possible for Walt to become a grandfather, should Cady have a baby.
Vic also worried about the time one day when Walt would consider retirement. If they didn't have work in common, would their relationship still be relevant?
After their talk on the porch, Vic started to feel a little more settled. Walt had been really helpful and had made considerable effort. He had set up a nice dinner out for Vic and Cady, which he later heard, had gone well. The two women vowed to make more of an effort to spend time together. The awkwardness never got a foothold and the pair managed to forge a decent friendship.
Walt started to make more obvious gestures to make Vic feel accepted and welcome. He included Vic in all the household decisions, particularly about improvements to the cabin. A lot of the improvements were designed to make Vic feel more comfortable and welcome. If they were off duty and in town for some shopping or a meal, Walt made an effort to hold Vic's hand in public. It was a deliberate declaration of his feelings for her. She was touched. One Saturday when they were buying groceries in town, someone walked past them in the grocery store and mumbled "Hugh Hefner, I bet she's hot in bed," to Walt, who took immediate offense. It took considerable effort on Vic's part to keep Walt from starting a fist fight right there in the bakery section of Albertsons.
A bouquet of flowers didn't go over that well, since that wasn't really Vic's thing. But she liked Walt's thoughtfulness. She let out a delighted squeal a few weeks later when Walt delivered a big box of chocolates to her desk at work, early one morning. With a big smile on her face, she offered a sampling to Ruby, Ferg and Walt, and then tucked the box away in her backpack for her own solo enjoyment later on.
Their efforts continued. Vic noticed the gestures that Walt made. And the tiny details that crept into their life at the cabin, like when Walt took Vic shopping for a new cutlery set to replace the old one. Vic tried too. She mended the rips in a couple of Walt's denim shirts and replaced the missing buttons and snaps. She baked chocolate cookies for him and stopped complaining about the lack of internet at the cabin. Walt hadn't told her yet that internet service was making its way through the valley just beyond the cabin. It wouldn't be long before it was made available to them.
One day when Walt was on Sheriff's business in Sheridan, he stopped by a camera store. He picked up two 8x10" frames for individual photos, and one large frame for a photo collage of 10 smaller photos. He also bought Vic a gift card for photo printing. Vic was delighted to select two great shots of her and Walt together. One was of them at the office, chatting at Walt's desk, courtesy of Ferg one day when he was trying out his new camera. The other photo was of them both sitting on the porch at the cabin one night at sunset. The collage frame took longer to complete. Vic said she wanted to put photos of friends and family there and she took her time with it. She consulted with Cady regarding one photo in particular that they found in an album one day. The photo was of Walt and Martha sitting side by side at a table one year for Christmas dinner. It was early in their marriage and they looked very happy together. Vic wondered if Walt would be ok for it to be included in the collage. Cady smiled and said sincerely, "Yes, Vic. I think my dad would really like that one. It's nice of you to include it. That's very sweet of you and I know that both my dad and mom would appreciate that." A tear ran down Cady's cheek and Vic gave her a quick hug.
In turn, Vic made an effort to provide Walt with treats and gestures. She sought out much needed replacement tack for Walt's horse. While he was admiring the new tack he took the opportunity to ask Vic if she would like it if he could buy a horse for her, so they could go riding together. At first Vic roared with laughter. "What would you name it?" she asked laughing loudly. "Horse2"… "After you rename Horse to be Horse1". She was relentless in teasing Walt who tried to look indignant at the attack. Cady and Henry had been bugging him for ages to come up with a creative and more humane name for his horse. Vic continued in the same vein, "here Dog1…here Dog2…here Horse1, come here Horse2, here son1, here daughter2."
After Vic's last comment Walt looked stunned. "What?" Vic asked. "Vic. Do you mean that you might consider having a child with me?" Walt asked. "Well, what do you think?" Vic asked with a grin on her face, pulling Walt into an embrace filled with sexy innuendo. With tears in his eyes, Walt looked at Vic but could not express the joy he felt. That would be something they would discuss over and over again, each time getting closer to making a decision to have a baby together. It was a natural progression of their relationship and it would bring them both great joy. It was a new beginning for them, even though they had started their journey some time ago.