Last time i checked, I wasn't childish. I was a entirely honorable ninja caught in a mouse trap. But this was plain different. For most of my life i had listened to my father and trained as hard as i could to regain our family's honor, now, my mind kept wondering around something else. Every night. Every dream. And every dammed morning to see it there as if it was meant to be. It kept bugging me, and bugging me and still i could not escape the thoughts that circled over one single thing: her. It was all I cared and all i worried about, yet i could not show it. I´d train harder when she was around and couldn´t bare to see her cry. Yet all I did in the remaining time was to run away and hide, in my helpless tries to avoid her lips against my blood filled cheeks and her hands tightly against my chest. I wasn´t like i wanted to run. It was terrible to do so, but i couldn´t avoid it. Every time she was near, my legs would shake and electric currents invade my spine. My stupid hear would raise against itself and it pleaded for her. But my lips would tremble against it, shyly, and all I could think was about what i hated the most. Again, it was her. The stupid girl that kept me away from everything i used to care. The one that my own heart needed to keep on beating. I hated to wake every morning and need to see her. I hated knowing that i didn´t at all want her as a friend, and yet, i couldn´t do but reject her. Ironic, the way I felt when we touched. Stupid. Even if I made it look like i was running, like i hated it, I would mostly try to reach accidentally´ for her hand, or stupidly´ run right into her. In the cinema I'd struggle not to place my hand over hers in the kissing scene. Then in the park, every flower would whisper me to take it to her.
Every insult Tobe (or anyone) made against her was a dead end fo who'd had said it. It just mad me so angry, anything that harmed her did. The first time I'd seen her cry felt like a plain hit me, someone threw me naked into the mall, I'd fell form the Egyptian pyramids and someone had teared open my chest and ripped my heart in a million pieces, all at the same instant of madness and desperation. All I could focus on was in her being better. And since then, I'd knew that she would chase me (fiscally and mentally) all over the planet. But that was easier than to think about the bone crashing tears in her eyes, and the only way I'd want it.
Worse yet was when she looked at someone else. No matter who it was—even a bad looking copy of me, made me too angry as well. It was terrible the time she almost chose my clone over me! All I could was to leave before I blew away all for what I had worked. For a moment I believed that even death would be sweeter than her with him. I was somehow a mixture of all I wanted, all I hated and all I couldn't have. And It broke me in such way, that the terror hunts me with chills on my spine every time I think of her with someone else.
And it was all too childish. My father, my ancestors, would be extremely disappointed when they saw their older male run from the thin, tinny girl everybody was crazy about. They would see me as a traitor to our blood; So i had to either kiss her back, or stop bothering her at all. And i could do neither. You don't like her, you don't, don't. I tried to talk myself into it, but nothing seamed to work.
I keep dancing tangos over and over, Kicking her out, then call and stay quiet for hours on the phone until she hangs up leaving me hopelessly daydreaming of another time, another situation, then maybe...
Next day I walk by and wink or smile at her, but as soon as she's close i run away. Minutes later I'm making disgusted faces at her. I'm just not ready! And I really don't get how she is being younger. She knows my every next move and is ready for it. I can't believe she hasn't yet turned away from me...Not like i want that to happen, it just, surprised me. From most girls i'd speck different. She's just so special. And she loves me. If only i could say I love her too! I cant do it literal (Silence vow? Daa!) But I just wish I could show her! And I simply can't! Its not like i've never tried! But every time its the exact same. I end up running, and for some reason I cant either let her catch me. Someday I will. But meanwhile, i can't but hope she'll wait for me.
So I guess I'll keep running and filtrating, 'cause I just like it that way! Being dishonorable and stupid, pretending its not even there, even if I ain't fooling the most important person, its the way I'd love it to be until I'm ready. Childish.