Author: Sarrie5

Beta: hilandmum
Title: Goodbye For Now
Rating: PG 13
Genre: character study, angst

Summary: She simply wanted her visit to Princeton to end as soon as possible.

Author note: We all know what is in store for Cameron in episode 8, and have a few weeks to see how it plays out. So here is an alternate version of Cameron's last day at Princeton, I tried to keep it in character and follow S6 plotlines as much as possible.

Disclaimer: House belongs to FOX, David Shore, etc.

***

Cameron tiredly rubbed her eyes and turned off the engine of the car. A few more hours in Princeton Plainsboro and that would be it. Entering the hospital she couldn't help thinking that sometimes fate or God, whom she no longer believed in, had a lousy sense of humor. If a few months ago, on her wedding day, someone had told her that in a little while this marriage would be on the rocks, threatening to last even less then the first one; that she would go away leaving everything behind, she would've laughed thinking it was a bad joke. Or she would rather find some ironic retort to hide her inner insecurity. In the end, she had become very good at pretending in the past few years.

Nurses greeted Cameron as she made her way to Dr. Cuddy's office. Apparently, the hospital rumor mill ran as smoothly as ever, with curious glances and hushed whispers testifying to it. Apart from a selected few, no one really knew what the reason for her departure was, and why she was leaving alone. Allison guessed that the second question was fueling more and more speculations.

House.

Sometimes the answer is just not that simple, and yet she wanted to blame it all on him. To get angry at him for ruining her marriage, for mocking everything she held dear, everything she believed in: her late husband, her desire to help the others and care for them, even if eventually it was she who got hurt. It would be easy: to blame it all on him and his inability to stay out of other people's business. If for once in his life he hadn't acted so House-like… She and Robert would have had a chance to sort it out on their own. That would be difficult, no doubt, but they could do it. Yes, she was hurting, felt deceived, disappointed, betrayed, but it was her marriage that was at stake and she wanted to do her utmost to save it. She just needed time to learn to live with it, learn to see Robert every day without recalling what he had done. They just needed to do it together.

Her first marriage may have been too short, Cameron herself may have been too young and inexperienced then, but it taught her one thing for sure: no matter how difficult and painful it seems, when the two have each other they can endure everything. It is a matter of trust and devotion, sometimes a matter of putting his interests above yours, because it's the right thing to do. House would call it pathetic, a cheesy cliché, but Allison didn't care. She had already lost one husband to cancer and didn't want to lose another to their own mistakes however horrible they were. If only they could give it a try… Instead she entered the main hall of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, alone and unsure of what to do next.

The prospect of blaming it all on House seemed more tempting with each passing second and each curious stare she got. Yet, something didn't let her do it – maybe the same moral compass House so often mocked at. Allison had to be honest with herself: it wasn't entirely his fault, he simply pulled the strings, played with emotions, pushed people, but then again – that's what he always did. Even the most skillful puppet-master will lose control once the strings have been cut loose. As it turned out, Robert didn't trust or didn't love her enough to tear the ties apart.

Allison still didn't know what exactly House had told him, though she could guess. Blame it all on exhaustion, stress, or her overactive imagination, but in her head she could clearly hear his voice, a bit sarcastic and serious at the same time telling Robert that she, with her insane moral compass and desire to fix everything, would neither understand nor forgive. Who knows, he might have even said: "She lives under the delusion that she can fix everything that is imperfect. She doesn't love, she needs. She'll try to fix the marriage, but she'll never understand you. You both will be… overcompensating for guilt". And so Robert believed him.

But, to be absolutely honest, Allison knew, that there was one more person responsible for the whole mess. Who knows, maybe even more than House or Robert. Allison Cameron - the woman who couldn't bring herself to be with her husband "from this day forward, for better for worse". Was it her moral compass that didn't let her uphold the wedding vow? Or was it the fact that she pronounced this very vow simply because of the fear to end up alone?

She despised Dibala and the atrocities he had committed, shuddered at the mere thought of everything people in his country had to go through. She didn't even want to treat him in the first place. Yet she took the Hippocratic Oath, damn it, so, no matter how difficult it was, she believed in "first, do no harm". Allison couldn't accept Robert's actions: mixing up the tests, trying to hide everything, lying to her - it was just too much. She knew what it felt like: to see a person die realizing that it was you who did it to him. Cameron remembered all too well her own hands shaking when she increased the dosage of morphine for Powell. Remembered the sense of finality, a lump in throat and nausea that hit her. Powell wanted to die, desperately looked for an ending, a salvation, but it didn't make her feel better, not in the slightest. Allison bit her lip, memories still hurt, even after three years. Having such an experience, she should have been able to understand Robert better than anyone else, should have supported him and yet she couldn't. Ironically, it was for this very reason. She knew what merciful killing was, but couldn't find the "merciful" part in Robert's actions. Deliberate. That was the only word that came to mind. He had wanted to save people, thousands of them, but their task was to save one life, one particular life, however unworthy it had been. True, she used to judge people, condemn them if they did something that was against her principles, but never did she assume the role of God or any other higher power deciding who deserved to live or die. That's exactly why it was so difficult to accept Robert's actions.

Difficult but… not impossible. Allison had learned to see the shades of gray instead of black and white. If only they had a chance to do it together... The chance House took away from them when he convinced Robert that she would never understand.

And here she was, standing at Cuddy's office where she came to sort out the last formalities and then to take a few belongings from the ER before going away. For how long, she didn't know. Officially it was a leave of absence, an unpaid one.

"So, that's it? Or do you need me to sign something else?" Cameron tried to keep her tone professional and detached. God knows, she didn't need another lecture on marital problems. She simply wanted her visit to Princeton to end as soon as possible.

"No, I've got it all covered." Cuddy closed the folder on her desk. "If you haven't yet, leave the keys with nurse Brenda, will you?"

"Sure," Allison turned to the door when Cuddy's voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Cameron!" Reluctantly Allison turned back to face the Dean of Medicine.

"I hope you understand what you're doing," Cuddy looked at her obviously concerned. Yet, along with empathy there was something else in her eyes. A fraction of fear or unease, perhaps? Could she still be thinking that… But Allison didn't have time to finish the thought because Cuddy sighed and went on.

"I've said it once and will repeat it now. You and Chase are good together, just don't screw this up. For whatever reason. Good luck."

"Thank you."

Allison simply nodded and left the Dean of Medicine's office. She still had to take a few things from the office in the ER, the ones she had forgotten a few days before. Walking through familiar corridors, she couldn't help recalling Cuddy's words and the look in her eyes. Allison couldn't get rid of the annoying sense of déjà vu. Ironically enough, all her problems seemed to lead to House, one way or another.

In any other situation Cameron would have felt a bit sorry for Cuddy. In the end of ends, loving Gregory House was like walking a tightrope blindfolded. One wrong move, and you fall, shattering into pieces. Having lived with this feeling for several years, Cameron knew it all too well. But House hadn't let her in, and that was the difference between her and Cuddy, the very reason why Allison didn't feel sorry for the older woman. She saw that House was ready for something meaningful, he sought comfort, in his own way, wanted to have the real thing. One day Cuddy and House would stop tip-toeing around each other and find a resolution: a closure or a beginning – for some reason Cameron just didn't want to dwell on this now. But just as always, once House entered her thoughts, it was impossible to send him away. Her own three years of their almost-relationship came flooding back to her. Tension, long glances that made her feel exposed and safe at the same time, pauses that meant more than words, vague phrases… He did open up to her, just to shut her down again. All little gestures that she had tried to interpret, to fill with meaning that was there. Or wasn't? One limp-step forward, two steps back.

"Anyone who's that awkward either has no experience around death or too much, and I'm pretty sure it's not the former. Chase told me about that idea you had... the parents holding the baby. Where'd you get that? Did you lose someone? Did you lose a baby?"

"You can be a real bastard."

***

"People… dismiss me. Because I'm a woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not aggressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me."

"They like you. Everyone likes you."

"Do you? I have to know."

"No."

***

"I have one evening with you, one chance, and I don't want to waste it talking about what wines you like or what movies you hate. I want to know how you feel about me."

"You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great looking, I'm not charming, I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged."

***

"Dr. House? How's he doing?"

"Never better."

"I thought… you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. It's okay. I'm happy for you."

Memories rolled over her like a wave, while she followed a well-known route to her office in the ER. Turn right, cross the hall now, right again. Here it was, the tiny room – a testimony to her attempt to move on. Ironically she had hardly been here since House's return. So much for moving on and getting him out of her system. Now she knew better.

Her wedding photo, two flash-cards, spare keys which she had to leave with the nurse. The only thing missing was her day-planner. She clearly remembered leaving it in the second drawer of her desk. Since it wasn't in the usual place, there was only one option left. Cameron sat at the desk contemplating what to do next. She hurriedly looked at her watch: Robert was supposed to work in surgery today and would join the team in a few hours, House would either be having lunch with Wilson or hiding somewhere from work. Foreman, even if he was there, wouldn't try to talk to her, with their relationship strained because of the whole mess. The others didn't bother her. Crossing her fingers for luck, Allison left for the Diagnostic office hoping to avoid meetings with any of them.

***

Opening the door, Allison realized that she would have no such luck. For some reason House was sitting in the board-room, not in his office, listening to his iPod with closed eyes, legs propped up on the conference table. For a moment she toyed with the idea of walking away before he noticed her but then decided against it. Once upon a time she would simply leave to avoid a conversation, but she wasn't that shy, naive girl anymore. Damn, she had nothing to be ashamed of. Why was she acting like this? Allison regained her composure, dug her nails into her palms and entered the office. Apparently, the music wasn't that loud – the moment she closed the door behind her, House took off the earphones and curiously looked at her.

"Why, I thought you were going to quit yet again. But see, you clearly cannot stay away from here." House said with fake amazement.

"Why, I thought you'd be hiding from clinic. But see, you used to be more inventive than this. Your own department, really?" At least she'd learned to give it back to him.

"An ingenious trick, now they come here in last."

Intending to drop the conversation there, Cameron walked to the bookcase with a little table nearby and turned away from House. She may have left the day-planner there.

"But you, on the other hand, were going to leave and yet you came here. Shall we follow our tradition? You know, with you resigning and trying to kiss me. No needle this time, though. Cripple abuse and all…"

"Stop it," Allison sighed exasperated. "House I'm not in the mood for your games."

"Ah, you are no fun. Is it a side-effect of marriage?"

Allison didn't answer as she went on frantically searching for the day-planner. Deep breaths, she reminded herself. She hoped that House wouldn't notice a slight tremor in her hands from his chair.

"So, what's the great plan?" Obviously, House had no intension of calling it a day. "Last evening with the hubby and then leave him here conscience-stricken until you calm down? Or until he comes running back to you?"

So much for small talk, Allison tiredly thought. He started harsh, even by his standards.

"We've already talked, there won't be any last evening, and till the flight…" Allison abruptly stopped, realizing that she was giving him way too much information. If he wanted juicy details, he would have to turn to Robert. Her husband seemed to trust House more than her, anyway. "It's none of your business." She crossed her arms.

"Unclench, please."

Allison turned away and started looking through journals on the table, trying to remain calm. Well, House was too good at reading her anyway, but she could at least try. Where was her damn planner?

"None of my business? Really?" House pretended to think over her words. "Once Chase started sleeping in the hospital and wallowing in self-pity all day long, it affected me."

"Right, because you've always been so caring and attentive. Especially when it comes to the sleeping habits of your employees."

"It started interfering with his work, so it became my business."

"You couldn't care less."

"But you could. It's been going on for a few weeks, but you put on this innocent look of yours and pretended that everything was OK."

"You know nothing about our relationship," Allison started to sound defensive. How could he judge, he wasn't at her home when she woke up alone day after day, desperately trying to understand what she had done wrong, why her husband was shutting her out. She even suspected an affair at some point. Then feared that it was her, that she'd given herself away while working with House again, tried to interact with her former boss as rarely as possible, to protect herself and her marriage…. The worst part - nothing seemed to work and she didn't know how to fix it. When she found out the real reason behind Robert's behavior… it hit her even more.

"Why couldn't you stay out of it for once? We'd sort it out on our own," Cameron felt her voice falter under his scrutinizing gaze.

"No. You wouldn't," House replied confidently, sensing her hesitation. He stood up and came closer to her, suddenly serious. "You'd make Chase chastise himself, then you'd drive yourself mad for not being supportive enough, understanding enough because your morals wouldn't let you do it."

"What makes you think I wouldn't support…" Allison whispered, dreading to hear an answer.

"Were you willing to forgive and live happily ever after," House didn't bother to hide sarcasm in his voice. "You'd already have done it, without stupid ideas like moving away."

"I just need time, damn it! It isn't easy, House. My husband… killed… the man."

"Well, he did. You know, trying to save the world and all." House noticed that she cringed. "Or, right, you and your ethical dilemmas. That's why I don't do ethical. But for a person who usually stood up for me when I screwed up, now you're giving up too quickly. That's strange. And intriguing."

"It's not that simple." Cameron suddenly felt very tired, why did her conversations with House always have to be so draining? "Are you defending Chase?"

"What is this, high-school?" House twisted the cane in his fingers. "If you both can't deal with this here, running away won't help."

"Right, but persuading my husband that I'd never forgive him - certainly would."

"Moving away… it wouldn't work between you two." House averted his eyes.

"Now we'll never know, right? You were as good as ever. After Mayfield, I thought you'd…" Allison sighed, struggling to put in words something that she sensed but could never express. The fact that House was intensely looking at her didn't help either. "You wouldn't change. People don't change, you've taught me well. But I hoped you'd find some… balance, you had it once, screwed up, distorted, but it'd been there. You pushed people, pushed rules, but… you also did things because it was right. "

"Stop, I've heard that somewhere…" House pretended to be thinking about her last phrase and then clicked his fingers as if he suddenly remembered. "Ah, right, six years ago."

But Cameron went on.

"Now you're messing with others, pushing them until you find a breaking point. But not because it's right, you do it just because you can. Chase and I had a chance to solve this. But you had to appear, a father figure, suddenly so understanding and…You knew, knew which buttons to push, damn it." Allison held her breath as she felt that tears started stinging the corners of her eyes. She wouldn't cry in front of him, not anymore. "Just… tell me you did it because you were concerned about him, tell me it wasn't a stupid game."

"Oh, House Great and Almighty. Glad you still think so highly of my abilities. Chase could do anything, but he chose to listen to me. Because, he knows, even you know that… I'm right. How do you think it was gonna work? You'd have long soul-searching conversations? Leave for Africa to save poor lives there? Pretend that nothing happened?"

"What's the other option?"

House shrugged his shoulders and repeated as If he was talking to a child.

"You wanted to resign yet again, with the hubby in tow."

"And your point is? It's better for me to leave alone. Oh, how could I not understand that!"

"Now you're taking a leave, not resigning"

Cameron shook her head. She knew what he was trying to say, but she was hurting and couldn't follow his lead. At least not now.

"I...knew that we shouldn't come back."

"Hey, I didn't mix up the tests."

"Sure you didn't, but you knew everything, hid it."

"What happened to "ignorance is bliss"?"

"It is, as long as it lasts, but then it hurts even more."

Allison turned away and went to the other corner of the room trying to distance herself from House.

"Your marriage sucks, which by the way, was predictable. But don't blame me for this." He limped forward, not letting her to go.

"The funny thing is… I don't, well, not entirely. It's my fault, Robert's to some extent. As for you… It's just easier isn't it?"

"What exactly?"

"To meddle with others," Allison came closer to him. She needed to look in his eyes now. "And do nothing with your own life? So what's up with Cuddy? When will you both at last stop acting like teenagers? Or was there someone else? At Mayfield, perhaps? And here I thought they had rules prohibiting…" She was making a rough guess, it just seemed to her that after Mayfield something else had changed, more than met the eye. His relationship – well, in wasn't her call to make, especially now that she was married, but it didn't mean she had to stop noticing things. So, she still tried to read him, to understand – she did it covertly, of course, trying not to irritate Robert, but still she did…

"That's none of your business," House retorted, but too late, she already had her answer, saw it when, for a second, pain and regret flashed on his face. Just a second, but it was enough for her, had always been.

"Hurts, doesn't it?" she finally made him see what it's like to be on the other side. Strange, though, this fact brought no satisfaction to her, didn't alleviate her own pain either. She had never been vindictive. Let alone towards… the ones about whom she cared. Allison signed.

"Sorry." God, she was pathetic.

"Forget it. What are you gonna do?"

"Well, it's obvious, Chase stays here, working with you, I'm moving."

"That's not what I'm asking."

"I don't know yet."

"For how long?"

"I don't know."

"Don't give me this crap. For how long?"

"You can't set a deadline for it, House! There were two ways we could deal with things. One is still in my control. That's to leave."

"You'll be back."

Allison remained silent.

"Remember, I have your hubby as a hostage."

Allison would have liked to smile, but couldn't, so she simply nodded.

"What do you expect me to do?" House looked expectant.

"You've already done..." Allison muttered, but then looked at him and couldn't bring herself to finish the phrase. She couldn't be cruel, not now when for the first time in a while House looked sincere, waiting for her answer. Then she said louder. "You'll be Okay. You've brought back Thirteen and Taub, they'll keep you entertained. You'll solve cases, mess with Foreman and Robert, drive nurses mad… Please, do me a favor, put a move on Cuddy, the game's getting old and I don't want to be trapped in the middle of it."

"I didn't think it would come to this."

"To be trapped in the middle?"

"That was actually fun, but no. To you… leaving."

House limped to the conference table and took her day-planner which was hidden under some files. He turned around and gave it back to her.

"I think you'll need it."

Allison looked at his outstretched hand and then it hit her.

"That was a crappy way to say good bye," She took the planner and their fingers touched for a second. Allison went to the door, opened it and turned around.

"Goodbye, House."

House sat back in his chair, turning away from the door. Allison was taking the first step in the corridor when…

"Guess I'll miss you after all." He said quietly, and she thought that she must be imagining things.