When you kiss me, I think of someone else…
Mark knew something was wrong, he knew from the beginning that kissing her wasn't the same, that it wasn't as good as it was with her. So when that happened, it wasn't much of a surprise ...
"Lexie..."
Mark lowered his head ready to kiss her again, but upon feeling her body going rigid and her mouth closed, he lifted his head and watched her. She looked like she has been slapped, by him apparently, but he couldn't understand what was wrong.
"What?"
Teddy put her hands on his chest, and, pushing him, she sat back on the bed, and apparently, she couldn't meet his eyes. Mark knew something was definitely wrong when she started talking to herself .
"I can't.. I can't believe this... Why??... is it me? .. Am I to be a second choice forever..?"
Mark couldn't stand this anymore, he put his hand under her chin and, tried to make her look at him again. He had to ask her, after all everything was going great between them, and there, just there, the kissing was fantastic.
"Tell me now, what is going on here? What is wrong? "
Mark was shocked to see her look at him with tears in her eyes, he immediately took her in his arms and spoke in her hair while she was crying.
"Shh why the tears? I am sorry if I did something wrong, we can stop or .. well I don't know, it is not as if we never did this before, but if you d.."
"You said HER name!!!" Teddy broke free of him embrace, and standing up quickly she started to get her clothes back on. "You said her name, just there while we were kissing!!"
"Whose name are you talking about?" asked Mark, though coming from nowhere an ache began to be felt in his stomach.
Teddy, now in her jeans and bra, looked at him, furious and ashamed at the same time, and while fighting with her shoes she stared at him still naked and still sitting in the bed.
"Whose name? WHOSE NAME DO YOU THINK I AM TALKING ABOUT? Her name! The name of this blond child, the blond school girl who broke up with you when she wasn't ready to be mature and the grown up person you needed her to be! The child you obviously still have fantasy about!". She went to take her top back from where it had landed before when Mark couldn't wait enough for her to just put her clothes on a chair of the night, and just tear everything from her body and proved again what a fantastic lover he was.
"Hey, hey" said Mark rising from the bed, and putting on a boxer, "calm down, I can assure you I do not have fantasies about Lexie, and I didn't say her name, I was only thinking of you."
Tears drying on her cheeks, Teddy looked at him, still angry and yet, if she was to be honest with her herself, she always knew deep inside that this man could never love her and that she could never love him. He had his flaws, she had hers. But it didn't mean it didn't hurt to realize again, so abruptly, that she was true, that she was a second choice again.
"Mark... we were kissing right now, and you moaned her name in my ear, her name, not mine... But it is not as if you ever moaned my name during sex."
Mark went still, head down ...of course he had said it, of course, he remembered now, he was kissing Teddy, sweet mature Teddy, his hands in her hair, and just for a second, even less than that, he had thought back of a time when vanilla scent was all over him when lying in bed, when deep brown hair were resting on the pillow, and brown eyes staring at him, showing him trust, respect, and love... and of course, she was right, he had said it.
He lifted his head again, realizing that he had sit down again during his memory flash back, "I am sor...".
Teddy had left ...well of course she had left, he would have too, at her place. He could not believe this, five months later and still she was so powerful. Here he was, with this smart, beautiful woman ready to have passionate sex (he never was able to call it love-making, and now will never be able to) and she had to go back in his mind and destroy everything.
Suddenly, Mark felt anger coming in his veins, why was she still directing his love life, everything was over, he could sleep with whom he wanted, he was Mark Sloan!
Lexie left Joe's shortly after midnight, ready to go back to her dad's and collapse of exhaustion when raising her head she saw him. He was so handsome… probably going to Joe's to meet with his "girlfriend".. no wait she couldn't say that, after all she didn't care who he dated. Of course it was obvious they weren't a good match, Teddy was in love with Owen, and she surely wasn't what Mark was looking for…no, Lexie shook her head, she couldn't think like that anymore, it wasn't her role, but why did she feel such anger when looking at Teddy at the hospital?
A shadow felt on her, and lifting her head she was shocked to see Mark in front of her, but even more she was shocked to see such hatred in his eyes.
"Why are you still there ??!"
Lexie now understood that Mark wasn't there to go to Joe's, obviously he had drunk, a lot, before, and had decide to come to her, apparently furious to see her there. "What? Are you drunk? Mark what is goi.."
"I said your name! "
"What?"
Frustrated that she didn't seem to get it, Mark put his hands in the air and suddenly hit her car on the roof. Shaking with anger, and cold from the night, though he had drunk so much he couldn't feel it, he looked at her, her hair damp from the light rain, fear and pity in her eyes, two things he had never see there when she was looking at him and thinking of him.
"I was with Teddy, having sex."
"Is it why you came here? To tell me that? Did you want to hurt me by saying this? Or to take revenge on me? Seriously you don't need to! Look, I'm leaving, you can go to Joe's."
Lexie closed her eyes, she definitely didn't want to hear this, not tonight, never. She began to turn and enter her car, but a warm hand hold her back and he started again.
"I said your name during sex with her, I moaned your name in her hear and.. I don't know why. She left of course, and right now, I resent you."
Lexie opened her eyes upon hearing that, she could see of course anger in his eyes, but to hear it like that was even worse.
"So now you are mad at me even though it is not my fault?? I don't understand, why did you come here to tell me this? Mark, I am sorry but what can I do? "
"IT IS YOUR FAULT!!! I shouldn't be the one who suffered, I didn't do anything wrong! YOU DID! You are the one who decided to end things, I shouldn't pay for this. So why can't I live again, why can't I try another story with another woman when you obviously has no difficulties to do so???"
Mark took a few steps away from her, almost ready to leave. Already a part of him knew he shouldn't say this, he shouldn't tell her she had such powers on him. But the alcohol was making him do thing he normally wouldn't do and that wasn't a good thing. The worst part was that now she didn't seem to want to talk...so he was the weak one.
Mark turned his back, and started to go back to his building not far away, when her voice stopped him :
"You think my life is good? You really think it was easy for me? You think you are the only one who suffered?"
Still with his back on her, Mark answered her. " Well you forgot me quickly after all, jumping in another's bed the night of our break up, must have been a new record!"
"I WAS DRUNK OK?!" She stopped shouting, to take a few breaths and calm herself, after all some of their friends were at Joe's and she didn't want them to hear that. But at the same time, she was relieved to finally have this talk. "I was ... devastated by our break up, you didn't try to stop me, you... well of course you choose Sloan, I knew you would choose her but still you didn't try to stop me from going, I would have stay, and I did this stupid thing, I got drunk to forget you had left me, for two women, your daughter and Addison..."
Mark turned to look at her, and he took a few steps closer to her, face hard like stone:
"Addison? What is she doing here? ... All this time you were jealous of her? I WAS LIVING WITH YOU! WITH YOU!" He was so close to her that, stepping back herself, her back hit the car and he was suddenly breathing his words on her face, and even put his hand on her hair, scaring her till he talked. "I was crazy in love with you, but suddenly there was my daughter and I had to help her and be the dad I never was. You told me to ask Addison for help!"
Lexie closed her eyes, hearing the incomprehension in his tone. "I know, but still what I saw was that I was second choice!" Mark didn't seem to understand that, separating himself from her again. "You know, you never told me you loved me… well yes", she added when he seemed to want to interrupt her, "you asked me to live with you, but suddenly your daughter was there and you pushed me away, you never asked me how I was feeling about this, never! I had to deal with all this by myself... all alone." She was ashamed to feel tears in her eyes, and really she was exhausted.
Where was all of this going?
Mark had to think for a while, he never really thought of her feelings about Sloan, the baby, Addison, well the truth was he never wanted to know her feelings about all that, he wanted her to be the bad one and him the victim. And now seeing her crying was making things even more complicated. What was happening there?
Lexie, drying her tears on her cheeks, stared at him, trying to decipher what he was thinking about. Strangely she felt relieved, she always wanted them to have this talk, THE talk, and here they were finally talking, and shouting apparently. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath:
"I am sorry".
Surprised Mark gasped, he never expected her to say that."You are sorry? For what? Sleeping with Alex? You already told me you were happy of that, made us equal right!?"
She shook her head stopping him. "No Mark, I am sorry for not trusting you enough and not telling you my fears about the situation. I was scared you would left me or realized I would not be good enough for you… Maybe that would have happened, but… I regret not to have told you and just gave you an ultimatum when your daughter was sick and needed you."
"Yeah, right". Mark sighted and went to sit on her car, next to her. "That was our problem, never able to say thing to one another… So, I am sorry too I guess, for never trying to know how you were. You never deserved that, you were…are so young."
Lexie took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, but anyway she hit her fist on the car. "Young? I am not young…My age wasn't the problem Mark.. I was just scared you would forget me. Of course I was scared of, maybe, raising a child with you, but I was more scared of loosing you. And it felt as if I was losing you.! Suddenly you took all the choices by yourself and you put a daughter and a baby in OUR relationship."
"Lexie, she had nowhere to go, of course I would opened my flat for her."
She laughed sadly, shaking her head. "Yeah, your flat… I should have known all along. Why did you ask me to come and live with you? You never considered me as an equal just an ornamental thing, or a way of showing other you weren't a manwhore anymore. A way of showing Derek you were like him?".
Mark stopped her putting his hand on her mouth, not wanting to hear that. "I said you were the one who put me back together, it was true." He put his hand back and went back to the car."I…I loved you, I realized that with Addison. I was just so excited of trying to be a father, that I thought everyone was as happy as me. I was a jackass, you may be right, I treated you badly at the end. But know that you weren't an ornamental thing, you were my oxygen. You make me a better man. I needed you with me"
"You realized with Addison you loved me? Then why didn't you come back to me when you returned?...Wait you were ashamed of that? That is why you told me you had slept with her that night? To be honest with me and see what would happen?"
"Yeah, I guess I couldn't stand lying to you."
Lexie stared at him, for awhile, she had to be brave and ask him, she had to, even though the answer could hurt her more than anything.
"Why did you sleep with her Mark? You know for me now, I was drunk and I wanted to be someone first choice, to be needed. What about you?"
Mark closed his eyes, and raised his head to the rain, already feeling sober. "I was sad, and I needed to feel useful too, and sadly I always used sex to feel useful." Suddenly Mark laughed sadly."I even asked her if she wanted to live with me and raise the baby, but she made me realized that I was still in love with you."
Not hearing any reactions from her, Mark turned his head and looked at her, her face damp with tears, she was crying again in silence, her big sad brown eyes staring at him. Without him realizing it, his hands went to her cheeks and dried her tears. He didn't understand them. "What is it? "
To his horror, she started to sob even more, searching for her breath and her hand clutched his shirt. "I .. I never …knew… You asked …her that? You were mad at me!! You said I DISGUSTED YOU but… You were ready to live with her and forget her!!" She started hitting him on the chest, and though he let her do it for a second, he grabbed her hands and kept her immobilized. Furious to not be able to hit him, she started sobbing again. "I was in love with you Mark, I loved you, I love you right now… and I can't understand why since you can destroy me so easily.."
Moved by her tears and her words, Mark put his hands around her, and there under the rain, they hugged, and it was funny for them to see how easy it was for them to do that, how natural it seemed to be. "I am sorry, love" whispered Mark in her hair, "I am sorry for everything, I should never have told you that, I never believed in this I was just hurt, and I thought that maybe there I could be happy but it lasted a few seconds, till Addison make me realized I was still in love with you."
Lifting her head from his chest, Lexie raised her eyes to his "Are you? I mean are you still in love with me?"
Mark stared at her for some times in silence trying to decipher his feelings for this woman who hurt him, the only person who could him this much. "You never told me you loved me before Lex? Just like I didn't tell you, what's your reason? I have to know that if I tell you my feelings, it won't be useless, that I will trust someone who will trust me back, and who, for once will have the same feelings as me."
She smiled, eyes closed, almost shy. " I thought that would scared you, I felt in love with you a long time ago but I didn't know if you were ready to hear that.." She laughed suddenly, and seeing her laugh, he smiled at her."Well Mark, see how ironic it is to tell each other we were in love months after our break-up".
Mark brushed his nose to hers, smiling, and feeling his move she stopped laughing and looked at him. "Lex, I don't see it as ironic, I think it is fucking time we tell each other that… I missed you like hell Lex, I miss you like hell right now, and I will answer your question, … I still love you. I never stopped. "
Hearing that, Lexie raised her head ready to kiss him when hands stopped her. "But Lexie… not everything is right." She frowned, expecting him to leave her there in the rain, realizing nothing could be fixed. But he only laughed. "Your thoughts are too loud! I was just going to say I want you back as a brunette."
And then, hungrily Mark grabbed the back of her head and kissed her like never he had kissed her, pouring all his love in his kiss. She was right, ironically they had to be broken to realize their love for each other, and there he suddenly felt like he could breathe again, and hopefully now he would never think of another when kissing her.