The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is lost in Krieger's lab somewhere. Just some mad ramblings from my tiny little mind. This takes place very shortly after Spies Got Mail.
Pirate or Ninja?
"Okay pencils down!" Cheryl ordered with the authority of a teacher. She was sitting at the breakroom table with Ray and Pam. There were several magazines on the table as well as some coffee, beer and groovy gummies.
"I will now tally up the scores," Cheryl said as she looked over some papers Pam and Ray gave her.
"You are so out of your league," Pam crowed to Ray.
"We'll see…" Ray gave her a look.
Cheryl quickly tallied up the scores and looked at the answer key in front of her. "Well?" Pam asked impatiently.
"The Cosmo quiz does not lie," Cheryl said. "Ray is totally a Ginger and you're Mary Ann."
"Aw man…" Pam grumbled.
"Told you so!" Ray smirked and snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah! I am fab-u-lous!"
"And for some reason I'm Mrs. Howell," Cheryl looked at the quiz. "How did I end up Mrs. Howell? That wasn't even one of the choices."
"Because you're both rich and your brains have been gone longer than a three hour tour," Pam quipped.
"What are you idiots doing now?" Archer asked as he walked into the break room.
"We're going through our magazines and taking all these really fun quizzes," Pam said cheerfully. "Since we got 'em yesterday it gives us stuff to do."
"Oh right," Archer scoffed. "Why do any real work when you can just do stupid pointless quizzes and waste time all day? Actually I think that question just answered itself. Yeah, okay I'll give it a whirl. Lay one of those quizzes on me." He sat down at the table.
"This quiz looks cool," Pam said as she picked up another magazine. "Are you a pirate or a ninja?"
"Pfft! Since I was actually a Pirate King…Pirate!" Archer snorted. "Definitely pirate!"
"I dunno," Cheryl shrugged. "I think ninjas are cooler."
"Please! Pirates are way better than ninjas!" Pam scoffed.
"How can you say that?" Ray asked. "Ninjas are living weapons!"
"Said the cyborg who is technically a living weapon," Pam scoffed. "Not much of one but still…Pirates rule!"
"Nuh, uh!" Cheryl snapped. "Ninjas rule! Besides you used to run around with the Yakuza! How can you think pirates are better?"
"Uh let's count the ways," Archer snorted as he counted on his hands. "One they drink ale all the time. Two, when they're not drinking ale they're either hunting for buried treasure, looting ships or chasing booty. And three sometimes they're drinking ale while chasing booty!"
"You have to admit that lifestyle is eerily similar to Archer's," Pam remarked.
"So pirates rule in every way," Archer said smugly.
"Not every way," Ray gave him a look. "You're seriously telling me you'd rather dress like Long John Silver rather than a ninja on a mission. And keep in mind a ninja wears an outfit that is pretty much a ninja version of a turtleneck."
"Pirates don't dress up like that anymore! Remember?" Archer barked.
"And do you remember how they did dress?" Ray gave him a look.
"Uh…" Archer thought.
"Yeah. Not exactly that many Barney's in the South Pacific," Ray rolled his eyes.
"Okay if we're talking fashion then yes I concede that ninjas do have the upper hand," Archer admitted. "But come on! Pirates have way more fun than ninjas!"
"But ninjas can do really cool stuff and kill people in hundreds of different ways," Cheryl spoke up. "Oh my God! I bet the choke sex they give is phenomenal!"
"Don't count on it! Ninjas are all about denial and self-sacrifice!" Pam scoffed. "They don't exactly give out blowjobs or…"
"I know I am going to regret this…" Lana sighed as she walked into the breakroom with Cyril and Krieger. "But why are you talking about ninjas giving blowjobs Pam?"
"Why wouldn't I?" Pam blinked.
"Of course…" Lana sighed.
"So you guys are all hiding in here too away from the workmen?" Cyril asked.
"What workmen?" Cheryl blinked.
"The workmen that are fixing the holes made by the Krieglins?" Cyril asked. "You know? The ones made only a few days ago?"
"Uhhhh…" Cheryl blinked.
"Don't bother," Pam waved. "She has the memory retention of a goldfish."
"Actually I forgot that was today too," Archer said. "But I still remember the Krieglins. Are you sure they're working? I don't hear them."
"That's because they're working mostly in Krieger's lab," Lana said. "They're halfway done already."
"Really?" Ray asked.
"Well these are the same guys who rebuilt our office after the whole Summer of Cocaine, Country Music and Coups incident," Cyril shrugged. "And every other time our office gets shot up or blown up so…Yeah they're used to this kind of work."
"I have to go someplace since that crew Ms. Archer hired is fixing the hole in the floor and since the hole leads directly to my lab…" Krieger shrugged. "What are you guys doing anyway?"
"Having a very important argument over alternative lifestyles," Ray quipped.
"Don't say it like that!" Archer barked.
"Why not? That's technically what it is!" Ray said.
"Yeah but you just made it sound…" Archer winced.
"Gay?" Ray asked.
"Your words," Archer remarked.
"Oh like there aren't any gay pirates or gay ninjas!" Pam scoffed.
"There are?" Cheryl blinked. "Where?"
"You're arguing over ninjas and pirates?" Lana blinked.
"Ninjas verses pirates!" Cheryl corrected. "Ninjas are way cooler."
"Pirates are way cooler," Archer snapped.
"No, ninjas are cooler!" Cheryl snapped.
"Pirates!" Pam and Archer shouted.
"Ninjas!" Cheryl and Ray shouted back.
"And another day of intellectually stimulating debate," Lana groaned.
"Look we need a tiebreaker here," Archer said. "Ninjas or Pirates? Your thoughts?"
"My thoughts is that this is a stupid argument being argued stupidly by stupid people," Lana rolled her eyes.
"I'll put you down as undecided," Archer remarked. "Guys? Come on! Which do you prefer? Ninjas or the awesome pirates?"
"Spoiler alert," Ray interjected. "Archer's pro-pirate."
"Not surprised seeing how he's devoted his life to chasing booty," Lana quipped.
"Damn it, we really should bring back phrasing," Archer grumbled.
"What about ninja pirates?" Cyril asked. "Or are they called pirate ninjas?"
"Either applies," Krieger said. "I mean they are ninjas that act like pirates and they live on the sea as well as kick ass so…"
"Actually that does sound better," Archer blinked.
"It does," Ray admitted.
"I mean, ninjas that are pirates. That's like a double threat right there," Archer said. "Or pirates that are ninjas. Is there a word for that? Well probably in Japanese but still…Pirate Ninjas or Ninja Pirates are way cooler than regular pirates or ninjas."
"Oh yeah way cooler," Ray nodded.
"Totally works for me," Cheryl agreed.
"Yeah definitely," Pam admitted. "What do you think a group of pirate ninjas are called?"
"I know for a fact that a group of pirates is called a tango," Ray said. "And a group of ninjas is called a stealth so…I guess a group of ninja pirates would be called a stealth tango."
"Wait, a group of pirates is called a tango?" Archer did a double take. "I think I just jumped ship off of Team Pirate and are on board with Team Ninja."
"Okay so if the stupidest argument in the world has been settled," Lana sighed. "Can we please focus on some kind of work?"
"Like what?" Ray gave her a look. "What work? Explain to me exactly what work needs to be done around here!"
Lana let out an exasperated breath. "Well we have to do something before Mallory goes off on another one of her little tirades on we're screwing around on her dime!"
"To be fair Lana, we do that a lot," Archer remarked. "Both literally and figuratively."
"Besides Ms. Archer is too busy to check up on us," Cheryl snorted as she ate some groovy gummies. "She said that she had a lot of work to do in the office and to not disturb her for any reason all day."
"So basically she's into the Absinthe again," Lana sighed.
"No, she seemed pretty sober," Cheryl corrected. "When I left she was only drinking her usual Scotch. And she only had like three glasses so…"
"So for Mother that's a light snack," Archer scoffed.
"Look we can't just sit around here all day doing pointless quizzes while Mallory is holed up in her office on one of the rare occasions she doesn't want to be disturbed," Lana sighed.
"She's right," Pam said. "Let's go to a bar and have lunch and drinks for a few hours."
"Are there even any bars left around here that will take us?" Ray asked.
"Yeah a new one just opened three blocks away yesterday," Pam said. "That's the great thing about New York. New bars are opening all the time."
"And they also close all the time," Cheryl added. "Or get burned down."
"Then what are we waiting for?" Archer grinned as he got up. "I stole Mother's credit card again. So we can order whatever we want."
"That's not what I…" Lana began but too late the others began to file out. "Oh what the hell? I could go for a good lunch. And it's not like Mallory will notice."
Meanwhile Mallory was in her office working on a piece of paper. Oblivious to what her employees were doing. Then she frowned at what she looked at. Her face became a mask of pure fury. "SON OF A BITCH!"
"How the hell can I be a Mary Ann?" Mallory snarled at the magazine in her hand. "When I'm clearly a Ginger! This stupid magazine is rigged!"