Chapter 1
My dearest Hermione,
I don't really know where to start, except to say that I am sorry for having to write this letter to you. I wish I could say that I am man enough to just talk to you about this, but I am not. I know if I waited to talk to you, everything would come out wrong and your gaze would weaken me, it always has. It would also make this so much harder, I'm leaving. I don't know how long I will be gone or where I am going, but I need to do this. I know that we have made unspoken promises to each other for so much once the war was over. And I am so sorry that now that the time has come to fulfill those, I am leaving.
The only version of myself I can remember is this version, the fighter, the Harry that needs to defeat Voldemort. I don't remember the version of myself I used to be before I heard the prophecy, and knew the fate of the world was on my shoulders. The fun-loving, free Harry I know I was when you met me, is lost. I need to find him again before I can give you anything. The only way I can think of to do this, is by leaving, going somewhere no one has ever heard of the famous boy-who-lived. I'm sorry I can't bring you with me.
You've always been there for me, Hermione. I can never thank you enough for always believing in me, even when no one and I mean no one, else would. You gave me the strength to defeat him. I know if it were not for you, I would not have been successful. Your blind faith in me is something I will never understand. And it is something I need you to continue to have in me now. I know I never really thanked you enough for that, but I am now. Thank you Hermione, from the bottom of my heart.
Now for the hard part. That night, the night we've never talked about. There are some things that need to be said before I leave. I will never forget that night, Hermione, it was the best night of my life. I want you to know I never had any intention of what happened, to happen. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. It wasn't only about what we did; it was the fact that my first time was with the woman I love the most. Yes, that is what I wanted to say the most, I love you Hermione Granger, with my whole heart. You are my true love and my whole life and I wanted you to know that. I'm sorry I was too weak to say something before, in person, that night even. But I am saying it now, and I hope that counts for something.
I want you to know that I will come back. I know that I cannot ask you to wait and I wouldn't want you to miss out on experiencing life or love, if they came to you. But I will come back, a better man, a man more capable of loving you better and better able to fulfill those promises. I will come back. I love you.
Yours always,
Harry
Tears fell in slow streams down the flush cheeks of Hermione Granger as she clutched the roll of parchment in her hand. It was left on her nightstand, and she found it when she woke a few moments earlier. She looked towards the ceiling of her new flat, willing her tears to stop there painful descent down her face. She took slow, calming breaths and a creeping panic rose in her chest, threatening to break her heart. Her heart had a renewed strength to it after the events of the past few weeks. The war was over and the trio was finally starting to put the pieces of their lives together.
She looked around her flat at all the new furniture and all the unpacked boxes, the potential the space once held, no longer visible. There was one presence she always knew would be a part of the space, and now it was gone. She always imagined Harry would be a permanent fixture in her home, always over, sharing her life with her. But now it seemed he was gone from her life.
She over his letter again. "I will come back." The words were meant to give her hope, but they filled her with dread. So many people during the war had spoken those words, but never returned. Strong, capable people like Harry, people who should have come back. People, who went to the market for some tea, then got caught in a deatheater attack and were gone in a second. She knew that the war was over, long over, but the situations seemed too parallel for her liking. She had no idea where Harry was going and who he would meet along the way. The threat was small, but it was still evident.
She always had faith in Harry, so why now did she doubt him? Now that danger no longer lurked around the corner waiting to snatch them, always reminding them their innocence was lost. Why now that it was all over, did her faith in him, in his words, seem to wane? He had even asked for her to have faith in him, something he has never done in the past.
They had so many hopes for the future once the war was over. They had told each other so much of what they wanted, all of which seemed so much alike. And in that similarity they had secretly promised to give the other everything, stuff that seemed impossible before. Those hopes and promises helped them survive the long battle and fierce war. They helped her hold her head up in the grimmest of situations. The future now, looked just as grim and she found it hard to hold her head high.
Despite the grief she felt, a feeling she had not felt since the memorial for those they lost, seemed to overcome her. Love flooded her heart. Yes, she too had always kept a secret. She too loved Harry and never told him. All those years ago, when Cho Chang had accused her of it and everyone found it funny, she had looked to Harry and felt the pain of requited love. She worried his focus would falter had he known of her weakness for him. He couldn't afford distractions with the task he held in front of him. She wouldn't allow him to fail, even if it meant holding in her feelings. But knowing now that he had felt the same, was wonderful, it was the light at the end of a dark tunnel.
Hermione walked to the window and looked out over London. The sun rising over the buildings bathed the capitol in a yellow-orange glow. She recalled the feeling of him coming to her last night. Even in her sleep she could feel him, as she always could. She remembered the feel of his lips on her forehead as he lightly kissed her there. She didn't want to wake at the time, fearing it was her imagination, and he would disappear. Regretting it now, realizing he was disappearing anyway. She lightly traced the spot on her forehead, trying to remember what the feel of his lips was like.
She sighed as she wondered how long he would be gone. And when, if he did, would he return? She turned her head towards the frame on her nightstand, one of the first things she unpacked. It held a photo of Ron, Harry and her at the Quidditch World Cup, before the attack on the camp. Their faces were still painted; Ron was holding a Viktor Krum poster. They looked so young, but so happy. She looked at herself, staring at Harry, who was happily jumping up and down, with his arm around her.
"I love you and I will wait for you." Hermione whispered to herself, her eyes on Harry. He smiled back at her from the photo, and then turned to Ron.
Chapter 2
Over two years later………..
Small, fluffy snowflakes gracefully fell around a dark, raven-haired man as he stood outside the grounds of a very tall, crooked looking house. His breath billowed in front of him in white clouds. He took a deep breath and a painful cold filled his lungs, causing him to cough. He pulled the collar of his jacket up high on his neck and began to walk towards the house. The closer he got to the home, the more his nerves threatened to demolish his poise.
Harry Potter stopped a few steps from the Burrow, a place responsible for many of his fondest memories. It had been over two years since he had disappeared from England without any good-byes, well except one. He wondered what the occupants of the house would do with his sudden return. He took one more large breath and ascended the steps to the backdoor by the kitchen. He peered into the window, his eyes searched for one person. He knew she was there, he could feel her.
He found her sitting at the kitchen table, hands folded softly on the tabletop. Her chestnut hair fell in loose curls around her shoulders, her cheeks held the rosy tint that always seemed present there. She looked even more beautiful than he could remember. She had grown up, that was obvious, but she was still Hermione. Still the woman who held his heart, and could still caused butterflies to flutter in his abdomen. A smile involuntarily found its way to his face. He stood out in the cold for several minutes just watching her talk to the other occupants of the kitchen. Her smile was the same as he remembered, slightly higher on the left than the right, and her right eyebrow still arched when she laughed. Her eyes still held the faint glow of confidence and she still scratched her nose when she thought something was embarrassing.
Harry inwardly gave himself a confidence boost and started to ascended the remaining steps to knock on the door but Ron walking into the room caught his attention. He stopped and watched Ron walk over to Hermione and place his hands on her shoulders. Hermione looked up at him lovingly and Ron bent down and placed a soft kiss on her lips. Something inside Harry broke in that moment. He froze in place, inwardly kicking himself for the way things ended up.
"I knew it. I should have never come back. What am I going to do? Shit!" Harry whispered, against the cold. He glanced back in the window to where Hermione and Ron remained. Harry decided to leave, maybe to return another day, after he came terms with how his leaving had in deed fucked his life up. Harry turned to walk back down the stairs, the smile that once illuminated his face long gone.
"HARRY!!!"
Harry spun around, almost falling down the last steps. George Weasley stood in the doorway, a huge smile on his face. He opened the door and pulled Harry up the last two steps and into a huge Weasley hug. Harry found it hard to breath, for the fact that George held him so tight and because an uneasy panic filled him as he realized he would have to face Hermione after all.
"It's about time you come home. Where have you been?"
"Harry, dear, you have had us worried sick! Where did you leave to? Who has been taking care of you? You look thin!"
"Harry, oh my gosh."
"Harry, mate, man it's good to see you. About bloody time you come home!"
The whole Weasley clan burst into their normal excited group instantly. Harry hugged each of them in turn and tried his best to keep his eyes off of Hermione. He didn't want to make anything obvious to the others. But she was the one person he wanted to hug the most.
Hermione sat in her chair frozen, as she stared at the man who haunted her thoughts everyday. A ghost materialized in front of her. He was Harry, despite the obvious changes, he was still the same man she fell in love with all those years ago. He had the same messy hair, which had the untamed sexy look without even meaning to. The scar that had made him famous, still present in his forehead. The strong confident stance he held was new, as were his more adult, muggle looking glasses. In her opinion, he had grown into quite a man.
"Hermione, can you believe it? Harry's back!!" Ron looked to Hermione, excitement filling his voice and face. She forced a smile and finally stood from her chair. She straightened her sweater nervously as she finally looked Harry in the eyes.
Harry slowly walked towards Hermione, his heart racing nervously. He stopped a foot from her. They stood, just looking at each other for what seemed like hours. Hermione shook her head and finally smiled. She took the last steps Harry could not and reached her arms up around his neck, got on her tiptoes and hugged him. Harry snaked his arms around her waist and closed his eyes as her body was pushed flushed against his. Her scent filled his nose, the sweet lavender scent he could only remember ever being present on her. The hug lasted for several seconds without either of them noticing the looks being exchanged between the rest of the people in the kitchen.
"Hey mate; you're not trying to steal my girl are you?" Ron said as he walked up and patted Harry on the back.
Harry and Hermione broke apart and Hermione looked sadly at Harry, knowing what was coming. He would learn she did not wait for him and that she and Ron were together, and she worried it would break his heart.
"You're girl?" Harry questioned with a forced smile on his face, doing his best not to let on he already knew. He forced himself to look at Ron and not Hermione, even though he could feel Hermione staring a hole into him.
"Yeah, mate, Hermione and I are together now, have been for awhile. A lot has changed since you've been gone." Ron said with a smile on his face as he placed his arm around Hermione's shoulder. Harry's eyes finally met Hermione's and he noticed tears stood still in her eyelids.
"Yeah, I guess so. I don't know, maybe I was hoping not a lot of things would change, but I guess that is what I get for leaving in the first place." Harry said, not intentionally meaning to be hurtful but noticing the sting on Hermione's face. "I'm happy for you, Ron." Harry purposefully left out Hermione's name.
No one noticed the secret tension between Harry and Hermione as everyone scattered to finish preparations for dinner. Ron left Hermione's side and helped Mrs. Weasley set the table. Harry gave Hermione his best attempt at a smile and walked into the family room.
Harry removed his glasses, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to calm his emotions. So much was going through his head and he didn't know what to think. It was hard to be mad seeing how happy Ron was, but he still loved Hermione and wanted her back. He had always hoped she would wait for him, that their love was strong enough for that. But then he reminded himself that their love was anything but normal.
They had never even really sat down and talked about how they felt, it was always one of those uncommunicated things between them. He chickened out and couldn't find the strength to tell her he loved her until he left and it was in a bloody letter. He couldn't blame her for not waiting, two years was a long time to wait. Even he never expected to be gone that long. And even though he dated while he was gone, it never lasted very long and never got too serious. They were never her and she was all he ever wanted.
Hermione quietly entered the room and watched Harry slowly pace the front of the fireplace with his eyes closed. She debated whether to make her presence known, and talk to him or take this chance to just watch him. That is all she ever wanted in the last two years, just talk to him. Tell him that she didn't hate him for leaving, that she loved him too and that she would wait for him. But after a year and four months, and no word, she gave up hope that he would come back. And now that she was finally given the chance to talk to him, her strength failed her.
Harry stopped pacing and returned his glasses to his face. He opened his eyes to see Hermione standing a few feet from him. He stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, both of them frozen in place, not blinking, too afraid of spending another second not looking at the other. Hermione cleared her throat and took a few steps towards Harry.
"So how have you been?" She finally spoke. He was finally able to hear her sweet voice. The sound of her speak was like music to his ears and he had to try his hardest not to run to her and take her in his arms.
"I've been……. Okay, I guess. It's nice to be back home. America is a lot different than England, I definitely prefer it here." Harry hesitantly answered her question.
"America! That's where you've been?" Hermione said, shocked he had gone so far away.
"Yeah. I wanted to get as far away from here as possible. Somewhere no one had heard of me, no one would recognize me. And I did for the most part. There was this one bloke that recognized my scar. But anyway, that's not important." Harry began picking at his shirt nervously. "How have you been?"
"Oh you know me, I always manage to survive. I'm a healer at St. Mungo's. It's something I enjoy very much. The feeling you get from healing someone, I can never explain it." As Hermione spoke Harry slowly closed the gap between them. This caused Hermione to stop talking. He placed his hand on her upper arm, sending bolts of fire to her shoulder.
"I'm glad you're okay. That's all I have ever wanted, Hermione, for you to be happy." Harry finally gave her a genuine smile and it broke her heart. How he still had that effect on her she would never know, but in that moment she hated him for it. A single tear descended her cheek and Harry gently brushed it away with his knuckle. She looked him deep in the eyes and sighed.
"Why did you leave then? Why did you walk away from me, from us?" Hermione whispered, barely able to speak. Harry let out a small sigh and started to answer the question that had haunted her for over two years.
"Here you two are, dears, dinner is ready. Come on, Harry, dear, Hermione you too." Mrs. Weasley chimed in, with the worst timing in the world. Harry nodded and cast Hermione a sad smile before he ushered her to lead the way.
Chapter 3
Over the next hour Harry learned everything that had happened while he was away. George had continued the twins business, despite the loss of his twin brother Fred in the final battle. He had even opened up two more locations and had plans for a third. Ron had taken his fathers place in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office. Arthur was still in a comma at St. Mungo's and everyone but Mrs. Weasley had given up hope for him waking up. Ginny and Neville had gotten married and were expecting a baby boy in May. Neville had gotten the Herbology teaching position at Hogwarts and would be on break starting tomorrow.
The rest of them learned what Harry had been up to in America. He had been looking in a magazine and saw this beach and apparated there from the picture. He had ended up in San Diego, California. He had gotten a job at a surf shop along the beach and quickly became very good at the previously unheard of sport. He explained it as, like flying a broom on the water, standing up. George and Ron both signed up for lessons. Harry explained how he had become friends with his coworker Caleb and after a year they opened their own shop, "Lightening Fast Surf Inc." Caleb had the idea because of Harry's funny scar. Harry loved the idea of his scar being something positive.
The store had instant success; they made lots of money and even revolutionized a new board. Harry threw in some aspects from his broom and they invented a new sleek and faster board. But then Harry decided it was time to come home and signed everything over to Caleb, who was upset at first but understood what missing home must be like.
As dinner ended and the girls started cleaning up, Harry excused himself and went outside to get some fresh air. He sat on the back step, the cold air cooling his overheated nerves. He looked up at the stars and marveled at their beauty. He forgot how breathtaking they could be. The stars were not visible in San Diego, due to all the city lights. He heard the door behind him open and his stomach turned upside down as he anticipated it was Hermione.
"Hey mate, mind some company?" Ron said cheerfully as he walked down the steps to Harry. Harry let out a sigh of relief and looked up at Ron's smiling face.
"Sure thing, Ron, I've missed your company." Harry responded to his best friend. He had missed Ron terribly, no matter how close he and Caleb were, Ron would always be his best friend. No one would could hold a candle to him in the friend department and it troubled Harry that if he couldn't get over his feelings for Hermione, that would somehow be ruined.
"So America? That's crazy! I would have never guessed you to come home and say you went to America. I mean, do they even have wizards there?" Ron asked in one exasperated breath.
"Yes they have wizards, Ron. Not many but I had one bloke recognize me. But that was the whole point. I didn't want to be the bloody boy-who-lived anymore. I wanted to go where no one knew me. I wanted to find me; I would never have been able to do that anywhere close to here, with everyone always shaking my hand all the time, thanking me for saving the world." Harry answered in one breath, hoping that if anyone would understand it would be Ron.
"I understand Harry, don't worry. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt, you leaving without saying good-bye. Just telling Hermione and poof, you're gone. But I'm glad you're back. I've missed you, mate." Ron said emotionally.
"Thanks Ron. I'm sorry if I've hurt any of you. But it's better now. I'm a better person now. I just sort of needed to detoxify myself after the war. I was still jumping out of bed with every little noise, my wand pulled; ready to defend myself against a deatheater. I couldn't live like that. I'm glad I'm back." Harry placed his arm around Ron's shoulder, squeezing him loosely. Ron turned to him and beamed a bright smile. Harry removed his arm and looked straight ahead. "So you and Hermione, huh?" Harry asked, trying to sound as neutral as possible.
"Yeah, mate, finally eh? I mean I always fancied her, you know, but honestly I always thought she fancied you and you two would end up together. She turned me down for a long time, but then about a year ago, she finally said yes. Things are good. I think I've always loved her more than she loves me, but she loves me and that's what matters. I'm happy, you know. Sometimes I worry though. There's always been this void in her eyes, like something is missing. I always try to find out what it is but she is so closed off to that part of herself." Ron looked straight ahead as he told stuff to Harry, he had never told anyone else. Harry listened intently, his heart going out to Ron as he understood the void in Hermione, since he too had the same void. Harry didn't know what to say, he wanted to ease Ron's concerns but didn't know how, with his own concerns foreshadowing their conversation.
"I'm going to ask her to marry me." Ron suddenly stated. Harry was blindsided, he didn't know how to react. He sat there for several seconds, the last shred of hope that he and Hermione would end up together, shattering with each second of silence. Harry put on his biggest fake smile and looked to Ron.
"That's great! When?"
"Christmas morning, I'm trying to think of some clever way to do the ring still. I think it might help, us having that solid commitment, you know?" Ron said, rubbing his hands together, fighting the cold.
"Yeah, mate, that's good. But you know what? It's cold and I'm tired. So I think I'm going to sneak off and get some rest. Tell everyone I will see them soon and assure them I'm not disappearing again." Harry said with a chuckle as he stood from the cold step and walked to the snow covered grass.
"Sure thing. Hey, where are you staying? You can always stay here."
"I'm staying at Grimmwauld. Remus is out of town for the holidays with Tonks, so he said I was more than welcome to stay there, since it is still legally my house. I'll see you later, Ron." Harry started to walk away.
"See ya." Ron yelled as he watched Harry walk outside of the wards and apparate with a pop.
Ron walked back in the house, rubbing his arms to get the December chill out of his bones. Everyone turned to see him and they all had questioning looks on their faces. Ron inwardly chuckled knowing their thoughts.
"Harry was a bit tired so he went home to get some sleep. He wanted me to assure you all he's not leaving again." Ron announced and everyone let out a sigh of relief and continued doing whatever they were doing before hand.
"Where is he staying?" George asked.
"Oh he's staying at Grimmwauld. Remus and Tonks are out of town. Plus it is his house technically." Ron repeated Harry's earlier statements.
Hermione dropped the dish rag she was holding and walked to Ron. He held out his arms and she walked into them, and wrapped her arms around his chest. She sighed against him and Ron pulled back to look at her.
"Are you okay? You seem like something is bothering you." Ron asked concerned.
"It's just weird having him back after so long. I guess I don't know how to react. It's all so different now then when he left, but then, some things will never change." Hermione spoke against Ron's chest, not wanting to look at him.
"Yeah, it was quite a shock. It was nice to see him though. Having my best mate back, it was like he never left when we were talking out back. I'm happy he's home."
"What did you two talk about?" Hermione questioned, pulling back to finally look at Ron. She worried Ron might have said too much about the two of them. She didn't want Harry to know too much, but then again she wasn't even sure if he still loved her. They hadn't had a chance to talk alone, to see where they stood after all this time. For all she knew, he had moved on and maybe she should have too, after all she was with Ron.
"Oh, you know guy stuff. Just catching up. Nothing too important. You and Harry were always the ones who had the serious conversations. Me and Harry, we just talk about whatever." Ron said, not wanting to give away his secret about the proposal. Hermione, on the other hand, became really nervous about what was really talked about, seeing Ron's reaction. She put on her best exhausted looking face and sighed heavily.
"I'm about to pass out I'm so tired. It's been a long day. I think I'm going to head home too." Hermione smiled at Ron and kissed his cheek before pulling out his embrace.
"You want me to come with you?" Ron asked with a wanton smile on his face.
"No, hun, I think you should stay with your mom, she seems a little down today, with your dad not being able to be here and all. I'll be fine. I'm going to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow anyways, it wouldn't be a very eventful night." Hermione tried her best keep Ron at the Burrow. Ron looked to Molly and noticed the slight sadness on her face and realized Hermione was right. Another reason he loved Hermione so much, she was so aware of the little things like that.
"You're right. I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe we could meet for lunch?" Ron said pulling Hermione's hands into his.
"Sure, that sounds fine." Hermione gave Ron a quick kiss and turned to say good-bye to the rest of the family.
After say her good-byes and bundling herself up for the cold weather outside, she gave Ron one more quick kiss, hating how somehow it felt wrong to be doing so, and turned to the door. Ron walked her out and watched as she followed the path Harry had taken before her. Once she was outside of the wards, Ron went back inside the house and returned his attention to his family.
Hermione turned to look back at the Burrow. She noticed Ron was no longer watching her. Her thoughts should have been on her flat so she could successfully apparate home. However, her thoughts were on another location, one she hadn't been to since the war, the old headquarters of the Order. She had a quick pit stop planned on her way home and that was the reason she had kept Ron at the Burrow. With a pop she disappeared.
Chapter 4
Hermione apparated outside of Grimmwauld and looked at the cold stone building wondering what on earth she was thinking. She stood there for several minutes before she got up the nerve to walk to the front door and knock. After several minutes passed and no one answered, she gave up and decided it was a sign and decided to go ahead and go home. She turned slowly, disappointment filling her and she walked back down the front walk. She neared the end of the walk and heard the door creak open.
"Hermione?" Harry called out to her. She froze, her nerves replacing her disappointment. She took a deep breath and turned towards the front door and every ounce of oxygen was taken from her lungs.
Harry stood with a pair of sweatpants on and nothing else. A towel hung loosely around his neck and his hair held tiny droplets of water from their ends. He had obviously just come from the shower, which would explain his lengthy response to her knock. She wondered is he realized the effect he was having on her in that moment. Her cheeks were already rosy from the cold but a new flush of red rose in them in a wave of a heated blush. She looked to her feet and finally let out a breath.
"Sorry for coming by unannounced. I don't really know what I'm thinking, but I..."
"Don't worry. Come in, please, it's freezing outside." Harry interrupted, moving out of the doorway, motioning her to come in. Hermione quickly half stepped, half ran into the house. She paused shortly in the doorway as a whiff of Harry filled her nose. She noted he still used the same shampoo, and a small smile broke her lips. Once she was inside Harry closed the door, locking the winter cold outside.
"Sorry for my appearance. I just got out of the shower. That's why it took me a few moments to get to the door; I had to get something on. Couldn't answer the door naked, could I? You could have been anyone. "Harry said with a devious smile on his face. He wrapped the towel around his head and toweled his damp hair quickly as he walked towards her. Hermione nervously took two steps back, knocking into the coat rack. Harry quickly caught it, displaying his lightening Quidditch reflexes hadn't left him. "I'm going to run up and finish dressing. Please make yourself at home, you still remember your way around, I'm sure. I'll be back in a minute." Harry said with a wink and took off up the stairs.
Hermione watched Harry run up the stairs. She noted how bronze his otherwise pail skin had become living on the beach and how toned his back and arms had developed. At the top of the stair, Harry turned his gaze down to her and she quickly looked away, embarrassed that he had caught her watching him. Once she could no longer see him, Hermione began looking around the house.
So many memories came back to her. Memories of the Order, of staying here for the summer, hiding out during the horocrux hunt and of course that night with Harry, the night that they had never talked about. Chills descended her back as the memory of that night, still so vividly, played in her mind. She walked into the sitting room and sat down nervously awaiting Harry's return.
Harry rushed into his room in a panic. He wasn't expecting the knock on the door to be her. He was expecting it to be someone for Remus, since no one knew he was home. But when he sluggishly opened the door, his heart shot to the ceiling when he saw her. He called out to her, not wanting her to leave. He noticed the way her eyes wandered his body and he enjoyed a brief moment of enjoyment from it.
He went to his suitcase and grabbed his most comfortable pair of jeans, which fit him perfect and his favorite hooded sweatshirt. He quickly dressed and checked himself in the mirror. As always his hair was unruly and messy but he knew she wouldn't mind. He shook his head at how ridiculous he was acting. She was his best friend, who happened to be dating his other best friend. They never exactly laid any ground work about anything before he left. She had moved on, so why was he acting like nothing had changed? Like the last two years didn't exist?
Downstairs, Hermione nervously sat, picking lint off of her coat. She still wasn't sure what she was doing there and wondered if she should have left when Harry disappeared upstairs. But she reminded herself she as a Gryffindor and had courage she needed to call on. She remembered that she wanted some questions answered. She needed to know exactly what he was thinking when he left. Why she wasn't enough to keep him in England? Did he really love her? Did he still love her? As her mind spun she heard Harry walking down the stairs and she put on her best 'I could care less' face.
Harry came around the corner of the sitting room and paused in the doorway. Hermione was seated in the large armchair in the center of the room. His breath caught in his throat as he looked at her. How her beauty could still have this effect on him was astonishing.
"So I see you made yourself at home. That's good. Would you like me to take your coat?" Hermione just nodded and stood to remove her coat. Harry walked behind her and eased it off of her shoulders for her. He brushed his knuckles against her back, sending chills down her spine. Harry walked and hung it on the coat rack Hermione had earlier knocked down. Harry returned to the room, watching Hermione sit back down in the chair.
"So what brings you here Hermione?" Harry asked as he causally leaned against the doorway. Hermione shifted nervously in her chair. "I'm guessing Ron told you where I was staying. Does he know you came here?"
"No he thinks I went home to my flat. I didn't want to make a big deal out of anything, you know?" Hermione answered, trying to calm herself.
"And why would coming to see an old friend who just came home after being gone for some time, be a big deal?" Harry asked coolly, almost challenging her to get personal.
"I don't know. You know how Ron gets, nothing has changed. He still gets jealous and still thinks the world is out to get him."
"And why would Ron get jealous of us talking? We're just friends right? You're with Ron now. If anyone should be jealous, it should be me." Harry rushed his statement and instantly hated himself for saying something personal.
"Why would you be jealous of Ron?" Hermione pressed.
"Cause he has everything I've ever wanted." Harry said, looking Hermione deep into her eyes. She was, after all, the only thing he ever wanted. He quickly realized they were playing a game and he was letting her win. "You know, a loving girl, a good job, an amazing family, that kind of stuff." Harry noticed Hermione's expression turn cold.
"Yeah, he does have a loving girl. I love him very much. We're very happy. Maybe one day you'll find someone who will make you happy." Hermione said coldly as she stared at Harry. She noticed the sadness in his eyes and tried not to be effected by it.
"Yeah, maybe one day. I thought I found someone once but you know, shit doesn't always pan out the way you think it will." Harry returned an equally cold statement.
"Well that's the funny thing Harry, if you want something you have to stick around and make sure it happens, not run away." Hermione said, almost yelling.
"Did you come here to fight with me?"
"No." Hermione answered sadly. She looked to the floor, wondering where she should start. "I wanted to know what your reason for leaving was, why you just left in the middle of the night. I know you wrote the letter, but I want to hear it from you. Why did you break my heart?" Hermione fought the tears that wanted to spill from her eyes as she looked back at Harry.
Harry moved from the doorway and walked to the coffee table in front of Hermione and he moved it back a few inches and took a seat on it in front of Hermione. Their knees brushed, causing Hermione to stir in her chair. Their eyes locked and a strong surge to kiss the other filled them both.
"I don't know where to start, except to say that I never meant to hurt you as deeply as I seem to have. After the war was over I didn't know what to do. The last seven years had been filled with a purpose, however shitty it was, my life had a purpose. I had the goal of saving the world and defeating Voldemort. When it was all over, I still had that mentality. I wasn't Harry anymore. I needed to find myself again. I needed to get the 'free Harry' back again, before I could lead any sort of a normal life. I went over it for a month and nothing helped. You were there and so was Ron and you guys were so happy the war was over and you just started living and I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Watching you get your life in order and how you were so sure everything would be great, killed me, because I couldn't feel that. So I thought getting away might help and so I did it. I kept to my reputation and jumped before any thought. It broke my heart to leave you, and however cowardly my letter was, you were the only one I said good-bye to." Harry spoke with the most sincerity Hermione had ever seen come from another human being.
"It hurt, more than you will ever know. I loved you so much. I thought we were going to start a life together, finish what we sort of started, even though we never really talked about it. It was more one of those unspoken things we always seemed to have, I could read it in your expression, and I knew you wanted it too. But after a year and not so much as an owl letting me know you were at least alive, I began to lose hope that I would ever see you again. Ron was there, he never left, and I found something in him, comfort. And it just sort of blossomed from there into something more. I was ready to wait for you but I guess I wasn't strong enough." Hermione sighed and looked into her lap. She once again found Harry's eyes as she looked back up, and found his gaze was so intense, it challenged her tears to fall, for her emotions to surrender to him. Harry looked even harder into her eyes as he responded.
"I loved you too. I still love you, Hermione. But no matter how much I loved you it wouldn't have been fair to you being the person I was. I wasn't capable of loving you the way you deserved. I wasn't in a good place. I decided, the hardest decision of my life I might add, that I would rather pass up my chance at a life with you, if it meant not hurting you worse down the road and losing you anyway. I couldn't live with myself if I had done that. I loved you too much to put you through hell for a second time, now that the war was over and that hell had ended. I made my trip sound great tonight. I left out all the bad stuff. I struggled with a lot of demons, nightmares that still haven't gone away, and visions of the war that will haunt me my whole life. But I did it alone, without hurting anyone. I know it sounds stupid, but I left because I loved you enough to walk away from hurting you deeper." Harry took Hermione's hands in his and her tears finally succumbed to his words. Hermione stole her hands back from Harry and wiped away her tears.
"I don't know what to do. I've tried so hard to stop loving you, to move on and I think for the last little while I actually tricked myself into thinking I had done it. But no matter how close Ron and I get or how much I love him, I still love you, maybe even more than I did before. And I don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt anyone, you or Ron. I tried so hard to wait, I really did." Hermione finally broke down completely into sobs and Harry took her into his arms, holding her to his chest. She tensed at first, but the familiarity of his hold came back to her and she relaxed against him.
Harry held her until her tears subsided and her emotions calmed. He lightly stroked her hair and rubbed her back soothingly. Hermione snuggled into Harry's soft sweatshirt, marveling at the fact that his touch could still calm her so successfully. As she started to pull away Harry lightly kissed the top of her head. Something he had done countless times before, but this time it seemed almost sinful. Hermione pulled back sharply and looked to Harry. His eyes begged for her to understand what his heart felt. Hermione felt herself uncontrollably being pulled towards Harry. She stopped her lips only inches from Harry's. He could feel her breath on his lips and he closed the gap between them.
The kiss was sweet and tender and only lasted a few seconds. But to Harry and Hermione it was the fireworks at the Quidditch World Cup, or the celebration at the end of the war. It was more than a kiss; it was the declaration that they truly did love each other. Hermione pulled away first, looking into Harry's deep emerald eyes. When Harry attempted to lean back towards her for another kiss, Hermione stood from her chair.
"I'm sorry. I have to go. I don't know what I'm doing. I need to get home. I'm sorry." She mumbled, completely flabbergasted by their kiss, as she picked at her sweater nervously.
"Don't be sorry. It is late and unlike me, you have to get to work in the morning." Harry motioned towards the exit and ushered her to her coat. After helping her put it on Harry opened the door and followed her out on the landing. "I'll see you soon I hope." Harry asked with promise in his voice.
"Yes, you will. Good night, Harry." Hermione turned to leave but Harry caught her arm and stopped her. She spun around to look at him and questioned him with her eyes.
"Thanks for coming by. I've missed you." Harry said sadly. Hermione just smiled and nodded and turned to continue her journey down the walk. Harry watched her get near the end and turned to walk back into the house when he heard a loud thud and Hermione squeal. He turned to see her on her backside after slipping on the ice. He rushed down the steps to her side and found her giggling.
"Are you okay/?" Harry asked concerned. Hermione continued to giggle. She shook her head and finally controlled her laughing.
"Leave it to me to make my grand exit and fall on the bloody ice. I'm fine, really." Hermione said with a grin on her face. Harry reached down to help her up. As he pulled her hand to stand back up he too slipped on the ice and they both fell hard.
Harry hit the back of his head against the walk as he fell with a loud smack. Hermione, however, had managed to cushion her fall by landing on top of Harry. Harry reached back and rubbed his head as Hermione began to giggle again. Harry soon became aware of the position he found himself in, and the pain in his head seemed to disappear. Hermione's giggles stopped when she too noticed where she had landed and noticed the intensity in Harry's eyes.
Harry's left hand came up to her side, while his right went up to caress her cheek. His breath mingled with hers in a white cloud but all he seemed to be focused on was her lips. Hermione licked them in anticipation of what she hoped would happen, and instantly hated herself for it. Harry snaked his hand to the back of her neck and pulled her towards him.
This kiss was not sweet and tender, but heated and intense. They battled for dominance, Harry's tongue demanding entrance to her mouth. Hermione's hands came up to hold Harry's face as she assaulted his mouth. They kissed for several minutes, never breaking for air. It was only when Harry's hand left Hermione's side and slid under her sweater and up her back, that the kiss was broken.
They were both breathing heavily, big white clouds of breath now mingling into the night air. Neither spoke, they just intensely stared at the other. Harry removed his hand from her back and ran it through his hair. Hermione smiled weakly and whispered something so quiet Harry couldn't make it out over his breathing and with a pop, she apparated.
Harry lay alone on the icy walk for several minutes before he slowly got up, careful not to slip again. He made his way back into the house and up to his room. He plopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He sighed, knowing it would be a long night and he wouldn't be getting a wink of sleep, after the night he had just had.
Across town, Hermione apparated into her dark flat, still trying to catch her breath from the activities on the walk with Harry. She didn't even bother turning on any lights. She walked to her room, discarded her jacket and shoes on the floor and climbed into bed. She turned on her side and her eyes fell on the same frame as the morning she had found Harry's letter. She looked at Harry and closed her eyes, giving her best effort at falling asleep, knowing it would be a night long battle.
Chapter 5
Two days later, Hermione sat at her desk in St. Mungo's, staring at the adjacent wall, her thoughts on the one person she wished she couldn't think about. Yet she found herself thinking about Harry for the last two days, ever since her night at Grimmwauld. She still couldn't believe that she had gone there and that they had kissed, it was so unlike her. But then, she always was a different person for Harry, always a little braver, a little bolder, and a little weaker in some ways. An uninvited onrush of old feelings, one's she had made herself believe were gone, overrun her. It pulled her heart strings and developed a deep conflict in her thoughts.
She hadn't seen or even spoken to him since that night and for some reason it was killing her. She didn't realize how much she missed him. His cute little laugh that he always tried to suppress, his deep emerald eyes that were so easy to get lost in, and how the simple brush of his hand could send her into a frenzy. She hadn't gotten more than an hour of decent sleep that night. Most of it was spent staring at the picture frame, replaying the moment he walked into the door at the Burrow and her heart fought to not soar to the ceiling.
She had lunch with Ron the previous day like they had planned. It had been awkward to say the least. She fought against the angel and the devil on her shoulders. The angel telling her to repent to Ron and tell him she lied and ended up kissing Harry cause of it. And the devil telling her it didn't matter and there was no use stirring the water. In the end, the devil won and it killed her. It wasn't that she had never lied to Ron; there was plenty that she had kept from him. It killed her because Ron had done nothing to deserve what she had done, what she had been doing the whole length of their relationship.
She had never given her whole heart to him. She had reserved some it, most of it, for someone else, someone she wasn't even sure she would ever see again. She had never told him about Harry and her. Nothing about the two of them had ever crossed her lips. When Harry disappeared, she had told everyone he had let her know he was leaving in a letter, but that all it said was that he needed to get away for awhile. It left out all of the other stuff, the more personal stuff.
Most of the lunch was spent with Hermione sitting in uncomfortable silence as Ron stuffed his face and in between bites, talked about Harry being back. She knew that she was acting funny, unlike herself, and Ron was bound to notice. He finally asked her if she was okay and she made up a story about how a difficult case at work had her down. Ron had bought it, he had no reason not to, and lunch continued. Hermione had spent as much time alone as she could, after that lunch. Working late and making up excuses to be home alone. She didn't know what to do and knew she had to figure it out fast.
So here she found herself, at her desk, not doing anything but thinking about a man, other than her boyfriend. What a woman she had become, she thought. She heard a commotion across the ward and wondered what could possibly cause this much excitement in a hospital. Hermione got up from her desk and walked to the door where she found several nurses standing, all acting in an excited manner.
"What is all this noise about?" Hermione asked as she peered down the hall, hoping to catch a glimpse at something exciting.
"Harry Potter is here. I didn't even know he was back, but he's here. Came to visit Arthur Weasley." A nurse told her Hermione excitedly.
"Oh. I should go say hi then." Hermione walked through the crowd of women. She heard whispers from some of them, wishing that they were as close to him as she was. If they only knew, she thought to herself. And then she remembered that if they did know, she would be making the front page of Witch Weekly as a home wrecking whore, that couldn't get over a juvenile crush and ruined the life of a war hero.
Hermione walked to the ward where Arthur had been for the past two years. She visited this bed at least once a day. She had already been by this morning and said her hello and gave him a message to encourage him to wake up. No one knew that she did this, not even Ron. But she felt like it was something she should do. When she reached the doors she peered through the window. She could see Harry at Arthur's bedside.
She slowly entered the ward and stood by the doors. Harry looked up from Arthur and Hermione could see tears glistening on his cheeks. He started to wipe them away while she walked to him. She stopped at the foot of the bed and smiled at him.
"You know you don't have to hide those from me. I've seen you cry more than that." Hermione said, trying to make light of the situation. Harry smiled up at her and looked back down at Arthur.
"I know. It's just hard to see him like this. He was like the only father I ever had, and he's stuck in this bed because of my battle. I hate it. I wish there was some way to make him wake up."
"We've tried every spell and everything we can think of. We don't know what curse McNair hit him with so it's hard to know for sure what it is we need to help him, but we have tried everything. I made sure of that when I started working here. If there is something out there, we will find it." Hermione encouraged Harry to think positive. Harry just nodded his head, and held Arthur's hand. "I'll leave you alone with him. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Stop by my office on your way out." Harry nodded one more time, this time looking at Hermione with a weak smile.
Hermione made her way back to her office and tried her best to remain busy while she waited for Harry to find her. She didn't want to seem like she had wasted the day away on thoughts of him. She was doing paperwork on one of her patients when Harry walked behind her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and kneaded them briefly. Just long enough to make her putty in his hands and cause her to become flustered. He walked around the front of her desk and sat in the open chair.
"So this is your base camp, eh? This is where the magic happens, no pun intended." Harry said with a chuckle and her heart melted at the sound of it.
"This is it. I love it. So did you come just to see Arthur, or are you looking for a job also?" Hermione hinted at him possibly joining her in the healing business.
"Oh no, not looking for a job. Not yet anyway. I have a few offers, now that everyone knows I'm back, but I haven't decided anything yet. I wanted to pay my respects to Arthur, let him know how much I missed seeing him the other night. And to say hi to you." Harry smiled at the last comment, knowing it was the main reason of the two.
"Oh well, I'm flattered Mr. Potter." Hermione batted her eyelashes, acting overly excited, and obviously flirting with him. "So you've had offers, eh? What kind of offers?"
"I don't want to talk about them until I decide on something. Most of them are all things we talked about me doing earlier, during the war. Things we thought I would be good at, but I don't know which one suits me the best." Harry responded, seriously putting thought into his secret offers.
"Fine, keep your secrets, but just remember, you never could keep them for very long around me."
"I know, I know. So, got plans for lunch?" Harry asked non-chalantly.
"I'm actually skipping lunch today so I can get off early. Ron has this party for work, and I need to get ready." Hermione told him, inwardly cursing the party. Harry acted equally disappointed that the party was causing them not to be able to go to lunch.
"Right, well I hope you guys have a great time. I'm going to get going then, since you have a lot to get done if you want to leave early. It was good seeing you again, Hermione. Maybe I can take you to lunch another day." Harry said as he stood from the chair.
"I would like that. I'll owl you and let you know." Hermione answered sadly.
"Goodbye Hermione."
"Bye." And with that Harry left the ward and Hermione continued to stare at the chair he had just been sitting in. She sighed heavily and wondered how she had come into this life; the life of loving two men, not necessarily equally, but loving them both, all the same. She didn't know what the future held for her, and what she would decide if she was given a choice. But for now, she would handle what was dealt, when it was dealt and that was the best she could do.
Chapter 6
It had been three days since Harry had seen Hermione at St. Mungo's. He had been hoping sometime in those three days to get an owl from her, asking him to take her out to lunch, but he sat disappointed. He couldn't believe the way he had been carrying on since he got home, like a school boy with a crush; always thinking about her, wanting to owl her every five minutes, wanting to surprise her at work. He didn't know what to do with himself.
She was with Ron and they were happy, and Ron would soon be asking her to marry him and then it would be over, or maybe it already was. Maybe it had been over the minute he left her flat over two years ago. Maybe he had truly made the ultimate sacrifice and had given up any hope or chance that they could be together. He couldn't be mad at himself; after all he would have ended up losing her in the end anyway. At least this way, he still had her friendship, and he could be happy about that.
Remus had come home earlier that day and they had a brief reunion before Remus got on with work stuff that had piled up while he was away. Harry had been sitting in the library for several hours, not moving from the chair he was sitting in, just staring out of the window thinking. Remus had decided to check on Harry and see how he was adjusting to being home again when he found Harry in the library.
Harry was so deep in thought he hadn't even heard Remus open the door and enter the room. Remus watched Harry for several moments, noticing the way Harry would sigh every few seconds and look almost forlorn at the window. Something was troubling Harry, Remus could read him like a book after all these years.
"Everything alright there, Harry?" Harry jumped in his seat at the unexpected voice. He smiled at Remus, trying to shake the startled feeling he had gotten.
"Yeah. Just thinking is all. Nothing too important." Harry responded, hoping that would be enough for Remus to leave him in peace.
"You may have been gone for over two years, Harry, but I can still tell when something is troubling you. You miss America or something?" Remus walked to the chair adjacent to Harry and took a seat. He crossed his leg over the other and rested his chin in his hand. He looked to Harry for some sort of an answer, but only received a solemn stare. Harry looked again to the window and sighed.
"Life just isn't the way I always hoped it would be. I wanted so much after the war was over and now it's all gone. I can't see anything I used to, nothing seems possible anymore." Harry expressed sadly. It felt good to let a little of his frustrations out to someone.
"No ones life ever ends up the way they once wanted it. I know you had a hard life, with the whole prophecy and not having your parents, and I know you were hoping once it was over with, everything would be fine. But big events like a war don't just go away once they are won or lost, they have lasting effects on people. I know when you left you were hoping to repair some of those effects in you. And you did, you did something most people would never have the courage to do. You are still the bravest person I have ever met, Harry." Remus tried to console Harry the best he could.
"But that's the thing, Remus; I lost everything when I left. If I had stuck around and stayed who I was or tried to fix myself here, I would have all that stuff I wanted. But I fucked it all up by leaving. Why can't I ever get a break? Why does everything I ever want have to come with a price?" Harry yelled at the window.
"What did you lose Harry? You still have all your friends. Your family, the family that have been there for you since the beginning, all of us, we're still here. I don't understand how leaving made you lose anything?" Remus asked confused.
"Just forget it. It's not important. I have to figure out how to end this all. I have to get closure on the one issue in my life that will always be a there if I don't. It's something I should have resolved a long time ago, before I left, but I didn't. Sorry I yelled at you." Harry apologized and left the room. Remus sat completely confused by what had just happened between him and Harry.
Harry went to his room and shut the door. He needed to set some closure, get some things off his chest once and for all and let things play out the way they would. And if the ball didn't land in his court then he would move on and deal with it the best he could, but he couldn't continue on the way he was.
He went to his desk and pulled out some parchment and a quill. He sat for several moments staring at the parchment, waiting for the words to come to him. He bit his bottom lip, and began to write. He wrote for nearly a half an hour and when it was finished he sighed heavily. It was done, and there was no turning back now. He called to Hedwig, and sent her on her way with the letter. He watched as his last hope or his undoing, he wasn't sure which it was yet, made its way to St. Mungo's.
Hermione was preparing to leave for the day when she got the message she had an owl for her. She wondered who could be sending her an owl to work, and swiftly made her way to the front desk. When she rounded the corner and saw Hedwig her heart dropped. The last three days had been no different then the two before that, but she was trying her best to lead her life like Harry was still gone. For the most part she was successful. She had spent a lot of time with Ron and was trying her best to be normal. But in the most intimate moments, she hated the fact that she would see Harry's face flash in her mind, and her heart would break again.
She took the letter from Hedwig who was happy to see her. She cooed and Hermione ran her hand along her feathers before sending her on her way back to Harry. Hermione stared at the rolled parchment for several seconds, her thoughts traveling to the last time she had received a letter from Harry. She was hoping this letter would not be as bad as the last, but she feared it would have an emotional effect on her nonetheless. She decided to hold off on reading it until she got home.
Hermione went back to her desk and gathered her things and bundled herself up for the trip home. She decided it would be a nice change to walk home and clear her thoughts on the way. She walked out into the December cold, instantly hating her idea, but trudged her way towards her flat and thought about the small parchment in her bag, and nothing else.
Chapter 7
Hermione readied herself for what was to come in Harry's letter. She sat on her couch and curled her legs under herself and leaned on the arm of the couch. She unrolled the parchment, and noticed the length of it, and knew it wasn't just a note wondering about the lunch date she had promised him.
Dear Hermione,
They say, whoever "they" may actually be, that a singular moment in our life can signify the actual start of us truly living. That up until that moment we are actually half living, half the person we can potentially be. And that that moment, however grand or simple it may be, cracks open the shell of our existence, the shell that protects our half soul and keeps us alive. Sometime the realization that this has actually occurred passes by and life seems to continue as normal, but things just seem a little sweeter after that. But sometimes the experience is so profound we know the second it has happened. We know from that second on life will never be the same and we know happiness is no longer that unattainable goal we see in the distance and always seem a fingertips length away from grabbing.
Most people would think, being who I am, that my moment would have come when I heard I was a wizard or when I heard the prophecy for the first time, or any a number of times my world was turned upside down by some drastic event. All of those moments, no matter how grand they were, never began to crack my shell. It was one of those more simple moments. It was the simple act of your hand brushing across mine in the train car on the way to Hogwarts our 7th year. Do you even remember that? It probably wasn't as profound to you. Ron and I were playing a game of exploding snaps and you were watching. I had just placed my hand on the seat, just as you did the same, and our hands brushed. Something I can't even begin to tell you how many times had happened before. But something awoke inside of me and I looked up to you and our eyes locked. You gave me that look, one that I can only explain as you, and it was in that most simple of moments I realized I loved you, with that simple brush of your hand, my life began.
No matter where I was or have been, you have always been the reason for me to live. I never told you this but in the last battle, when I went on alone and fought Voldemort, I had to use the one thing he didn't understand, I had to use love. I thought of you, so many things about you, the way you looked at the Yule ball, how happy I was you were okay after the Dept. of Mysteries fiasco, how beautiful you were at Bill's wedding and of course the night we shared. And it helped me kill him, the love I held for you helped me defeat him. That is why when I wrote to you that I couldn't have done it without you, I wasn't lying. If it weren't for loving you I would have died.
I know things are complicated now. I love Ron, he's the brother I never had, and I don't want anything to happen to him. But I can't help but still love you. I'm not asking you to choose, I never would. But I wanted you to know everything, all the things I've always kept to myself, before the absolute end came. I walked away once for your happiness and I am ready to do it again, if that is what you want. The important thing is that you will always be in my life, as my best friend. I love you, Hermione, I always will. That's all I wanted to say. Let me know if I need to walk away again.
Yours,
Harry
P.S. We still need to have lunch. I haven't forgotten.
Hermione smiled through the tears that fell down her face at the last sentence. Leave it to Harry to throw something in at the end to lighten up the letter. She stared at his words. She knew the time had come for her to make a decision, the hardest one of her life. The fact that Harry was willing to walk away if it meant her happiness, made her love him even more. She looked across the room and saw Ron's sweater lying across the arm chair.
Her heart dropped at the sight of it. How could she walk away from a man that had done nothing but be there for her? He was there when Harry had left her. He was there for everything, and here she was letting the thought of leaving him pass her mind. How could she be so low?
Everything would be so much easier if she could just stop loving Harry, but that is the hard thing with your first love, they never quite leave you. They always seem to have a cemented place in your heart, one that will only be held for them. And it seemed that Hermione had cemented a rather large area for Harry. She sighed heavily and laid her head back against the couch, her emotions making her exhausted. She quickly dozed off, Harry's letter slowly fell to the floor in front of her.
Hermione was so asleep she didn't wake when Ron apparated into her flat to surprise her with dinner. He walked to where she lay, seeing her peaceful form, covering her with a blanket. When he turned to leave his foot crunched on something. He bent down to see what it was and found a piece of parchment with very familiar handwriting.
Chapter 8
Hermione woke an hour later and found herself covered by her blanket and sat up slightly confused, not remembering covering herself. She looked around her flat and saw Ron sitting in the arm chair across the room. She sat up and smiled at him as she stretched slightly, shaking the sleep from her limbs.
"Ron, what are you doi…." Hermione stopped suddenly as she saw Harry's letter in his hand. Her heart fell to the floor. This was not the way she wanted Ron to find out anything about her and Harry. She wondered how he had reacted and wondered how he had sat and patiently waited for her to wake, instead of waking her in a rage. "I can explain Ron." Hermione was cut off as Ron raised his hand to silence her.
"You've seemed different the last week, I couldn't think of why, but now I know. I don't understand how I couldn't see it. As long as we've been together, and even before that, you have had this void in your eyes. I never knew why, but you almost seemed to be waiting for something to fill it. I always thought somehow I might have the power to do it. But it was always there, no matter what I did. The last few days, you've seemed distant, almost cold, but the void is gone. Despite the distant look, you have a new twinkle that somehow fills the previous void. I know I haven't done anything different, so is this why it's there?" Ron asked, rather calmly, holding up Harry's letter.
"Ron, I…. don't… I…" Hermione mumbled over her words, not knowing where to start.
"It's okay Hermione. I've read the letter. I always knew it would be the two of you. The way you always looked at him, the way your hands always found their way into each other. I always knew you would end up with him. But then he left without anything ever happening between the two of you and I got a glimpse of hope that maybe I had a chance after all. But there was always that void, and I always tried to deny it was Harry but I think deep down I always knew I would lose you if he came back. It hurt, but I actually wished he wouldn't, so I wouldn't lose you. I'm okay, honestly, it hurts but I'm okay." Ron remained calm, despite the obvious emotion in his voice. He choked back a few tears and looked to the floor. Hermione allowed a few tears to fall down her face, tired of fighting them. She wiped them away and stared at Ron's sad form.
"I'm sorry Ron. I should have been honest from the beginning. Something did happen with Harry, before he left, awhile before, during the war. It wasn't fair to keep it from you, but we haven't even talked about that night, the two of us." Hermione tried to make Ron understand.
"Something happened? What? When?" Ron questioned.
"It was the night of the dual attack. We found out my parents were killed and your dad was injured. You rushed home and Harry stayed back at Godric's Hollow with me. He came to me to make sure I was okay. I had loved him for so long, I always had, but I kept it in. I was so weak. When he came to me and held me as I wept, I don't know, something inside of me snapped and I needed him to take the pain away. I kissed him, he tried to fight it at first, but then he gave in too and well one thing led to another and we, well, you can guess. We've never talked about it, it was wonderful but awkward." Hermione attempted to make Ron understand her dilemma.
"I never knew about that. I never knew you loved him. Why didn't say something?"
"I tried to stop loving him. I tried to move on when he left, and one day I decided that it was stupid of me to give up the chance to be happy with you. I love you, I do, it isn't a lie, but I love Harry too, but it's different. I don't know what to do." Hermione looked to the floor and bit her lip.
"Why did Harry leave if you guys were in love? I don't understand how he could walk away from you if he knew you loved him." Ron said, almost angry.
"He didn't know I loved him. We had never talked about how we felt about each other. He wrote me a letter to let me know he was leaving and he confessed it to me in there. I never knew he felt the same. He left because he didn't think he could love me the way I deserved because of the person he was at the time. He said he would rather walk away from hurting me, even if it meant losing me. It wasn't until he came back that we finally talked about any of what we felt." Hermione explained.
Ron sat for several moments, not moving or speaking, just staring at the wall next to Hermione. He looked to be deep in thought. Hermione wondered whether she should speak or not.
"I'm not leaving you Ron. Just because Harry wrote me this letter, doesn't mean anything has to change with us. You make me happy and I don't want to hurt you." Hermione finally spoke and Ron looked to her.
"I don't want you to be with me because you're afraid of hurting me if you leave. I want you to be with me because you love me. Harry was man enough to walk away from you for your happiness, and so am I. I know you love him and he loves you. After reading his letter I can see that he loves you more than I could ever hope to. You deserve that. I don't want our friendship to be ruined because I held on to you to spite him. I want you to be happy and if that means you need to be with another man, then so be it. Seriously, Hermione, you both deserve it, being happy, after all you have been through. I'll be going." Ron stood from the arm chair and placed Harry's letter on Hermione's coffee table and turned to leave. Hermione stood quickly from the couch and went after him.
"Ron, wait!" Hermione yelled and Ron stopped turning to her. Hermione gently wrapped her arms around him, catching him by surprise. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and put his cheek to the top of her head. A small tear fell from the corner of his eye and was lost in her curls. Hermione pulled back and looked him in the eyes, a sad expression crossing her face.
"Thank you, Ron." Hermione whispered. Ron smiled weakly before pushing her away and walking out of her door. When the door closed Hermione fell to the floor sobbing for the loss she knew Ron had experienced. She knew it was wrong, but through the guilt and sadness, a light shone, a light that was meant for one person.
Chapter 8
The next day was thankfully Saturday, and Hermione did not have to go to work. She had not gotten a wink of sleep the night before, after all that had transpired between her and Ron. She had sat awake thinking about all that had happened in the last week and how things had seemed bleak for most of the time. She had hated herself for somehow betraying Ron with her feelings for Harry, but she had tried her hardest to make them diminish. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn't shake them, and in all truthfulness, she didn't actually want them to go away.
She now sat at her kitchen table, a glass of hot cocoa in her hand, staring out of her window at the snow falling across London. She didn't know what to do next, but she knew she wanted to see Harry. She didn't want to spend another not being able to love him openly, for the whole world to see. But when the thought of how to confess it all to Harry came to her, she suddenly panicked and didn't know how to do it.
She wanted it to be storybook and sweet, not just a 'hey, you won!' kind of a moment. She had never had to worry about doing something like this in the past. And it suddenly frightened her. She decided to just go to Grimmwauld and see how things ended up. Tell him what had happened with Ron and the letter and how Ron was okay. Tell him she still loved and couldn't imagine her life without him for another second.
She stood from the table and walked to her room to get dressed. She tried on about a dozen outfits, until finally deciding on a pair of jeans, that hugged her curves just right, and a green sweater, that was just the same color as Harry's eyes and a pair of black trainers. She made her hair lay a little flatter, with a few untamed curls and applied a slight makeup charm to her face. She stood in the mirror for several minutes staring at herself, cursing that she even cared about such trivial things at a time like this. She was about to go to the man she had loved forever, knowing that for once and all, they would be together. And she was worried about what she was wearing and whether her hair was too bushy.
She finally pried herself from the mirror and went to the door. She put on her thickest coat and her old Gryffindor scarf. She thought of her destination and apparated. She arrived outside Grimmwauld, just as she had done a week before. She smiled at the memory of falling on the ice and careful took the ten steps to the stairs. She knocked on the door, praying that Harry would not answer the door in a state of undress like he had the last time. The door creaked open and Hermione was met with the weary form of Remus.
"Hermione, how good to see you. Please come in." Remus smiled down to her and moved for her to enter.
"Thank you Remus."
"What brings you here today? Are you here to see our boy? I'm so glad he's home. It's nice to have some young blood in this old house." Remus asked excitedly.
"I am here to see Harry. Is he here?" Hermione asked nervously.
"Yes, he is probably in the library again. He's been spending a lot of time in there the last few days."
"He's been reading?" Hermione asked, eagerly hoping she finally had some influence on one of the boys.
"Oh no, he's been sitting in there staring out of the window, pondering life and remembering those things he always wished for during the war. He's been quite down, and I have been trying to cheer him up, but have not been successful. Maybe you could try; you always were good at getting through to him when no one else could." Remus motioned his arm up the stairs towards the library. Hermione smiled and inwardly beamed at the compliment of having an effect on Harry, no one else did.
"I'll try, but you know how stubborn he can be." Hermione said jokingly, bringing a smile to Remus' previous sullen face.
Hermione ascended the stairs to the third floor and found the door to the library cracked open, a faint light flooding the open space. She pushed it open, trying not to make a sound, and walked into the room. She quietly entered the library, not disturbing Harry, who indeed sat by the window. She stood in the doorway for several moments, watching him sit there, noticing he indeed did have a book on the arm rest of the chair but was not reading it. She smiled at the fact that he had at least grabbed one.
Hermione slowly closed the door and when it clicked in place, Harry turned to her and his face lit up. He stood from the chair and turned to her, standing only a few feet away. He battled with himself, not knowing why she was here, but having the fleeting need to run and hug her.
"Hi." Was all he could bring himself to say. She smiled at him, and he heart melted.
"Hi. I got your letter." She left it at that, purposefully wanting him to wait it out, wondering where they stood. He had made her wait over two years; it was his turn to do a little waiting and wondering.
"Oh yeah."
"Yeah. You've become quite the writer, Mr. Potter." She teased, a small smile finding its way to his face.
"Well, you know, I try." Harry teased back, every second of her being as vague as possible killing him.
"So Remus is happy your home, glad to have a male presence in the house besides himself." Hermione started a new conversation, unfocused on the letter.
"Yeah, so about the letter. Is that why you came?"
"Yes. It was a very nice letter. Even Ron thought so."
"You let him read it!? Why?" Harry asked, sounding almost mad.
"I fell asleep with it on my lap and he found me like that and read it. I had no control over it. We talked about it and everything is okay. He's not mad, we're still fine." Hermione defended herself, but may have been too vague on the part about her and Ron. Harry took it as a statement of them being together.
"I see. Well, I gave you the choice and you took it." Harry said as he walked towards Hermione and then right past her. Hermione spun around and caught his arm, stopping him from exiting the library.
"Don't walk away." She said it calm and sincere. Harry turned to look at her, hope suddenly filling his eyes.
"Don't walk away?" Harry whispered.
"You asked me in your letter, to let you know if you needed to walk away, and I'm telling you, don't walk away." Hermione told him, looking deep into his emerald eyes. A tear fell down his cheek, as he realized the weight of her words. He had won, she was here for him, and his life would be what he wanted it to be. Hermione smiled to him, and his heart melted as he took her into his arms.
They stood there, in the others embrace, for several minutes, neither saying anything, barely breathing, just basking in the glow of a renewed peace. Harry finally pulled back and looked at Hermione, who had tears standing still in her eyelids. He smiled to her, and then caressed her cheek softly with his palm. He leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips, a kiss that no longer had the weight of the world behind it. A kiss that showed the world they belong to the other, their love was nothing to hide and they would show that to each other until the end of their days and even beyond that.
"So, you're here, for me? To be with me? You chose me?" Harry asked, watching the tears finally fall down Hermione's cheeks. She merely nodded to him, unable to speak. "This is the best day of my life, Hermione. I love you." Harry finally said it, without having to argue a point or writing it in a letter.
"I love you too, Harry." Hermione whispered to him, finally feeling the wonderful weight being lifted off of her heart, as she spoke the words she longed to say since she was thirteen.
They stayed in the library for the remainder of the day and long into the night. They talked about anything and everything. Hermione explained to him what had truly happened with Ron and Harry shed a few tears knowing that Ron had been hurt, but was thankful he understood and was okay. They talked about that night, the night they never talked about before, and they talked about the future. They fell asleep in each others arms in front of the fireplace, for the first time, but knowing it would not be the last.
Chapter 9
Dear Caleb,
Hey mate, sorry it's been awhile since I have written or called or anything. How is the shop, I'm sure you are doing great. Anyways, I wanted to write you this letter to let you know I'm taking the big leap!!! I'm getting married! Yeah, can you believe it? I'm marrying Hermione, the girl I told you about. We've been together almost a year now and last month she accepted my proposal and we are getting married in February. I want you to be one of the groomsmen. My friend, Ron, the one I always talked about, he's my best man, and his brother George and my friend Neville are groomsmen too, but I want you to be there.
I did it mate, I actually did it. I can't believe it; I won her back after all that. I know you told me I could do it, but I didn't know if I could. Thanks for all your encouragement. There are a few things about me I couldn't be honest about, but I'll tell you all about that when you get here, it will help you understand the marriage ceremony, cause it's a little different then muggle, I mean, normal ones. Anyways, let me know if you can come. I can't wait for you to meet Hermione and Ron and everyone. I miss you, mate. See you soon.
Harry