FUSION
A GSR story written by Bagpipedesaster
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters
A/N: This is non-canon, most likely OOC, and it starts after Sara told Grissom about her family.
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1. Female Element
After Grissom had left, Sara tried to figure out how she felt about him knowing so much about her now. As always when she came to think about him, she felt insecure, unsure of what she really wanted. It made her weak and she hated feeling that way.
Over the last years, she had made several passes at him, had challenged him, had wanted him to see her as a woman, and had wanted him to want her. And at the same time she had to admit that she was also glad that he didn't play along. Although it hurt, although his rejection had bad effects on her self confidence.
But this way, in her fantasies he was exactly how she wanted him to be. She could make him do anything in her mind. And she did. Whenever she couldn't bear being lonely anymore, whenever she felt vulnerable and in need of comfort, whenever she needed proof that she was desirable as a woman, he did and said exactly the right things in her fantasy.
He was her rock. Solid, dependable, strong and thoughtful.
And each time she had tried to make him want her, she had deliberately taken the risk of destroying this refuge. The self – destructive part of her personality had forced her to risk the only thing that kept her sane again and again.
Because the Sara that people knew was only one side of her being. She was careful not to let anybody see how fragile she really was, how much she was living on the edge most of the time. She kept the image of the independent, strong woman that could cope with anything that happened alive, no matter what the cost.
She never let anybody take control over her life. Of course that caused problems at work. She was not good with authorities. She knew it, but couldn't and didn't want to change it. It was part of her survival plan.
Even her relationships followed that dictate. They where short, served the purpose of meeting physical needs, and she was the one who started them and took what she needed. She was the one who left and she never cared. She never gave up control, never let anyone see her soft side, and she was never satisfied.
With Grissom it would be different. If he would take her up on her offer the game would be out of her hands. Because it would matter. It would destroy her if it didn't work out. She wouldn't even have her fantasies left if he turned out to be different from what she dreamed.
So most of the times, when she was stable enough she knew things would best be left the way they were now. Sometimes, when the ghosts of her past and the challenges of the present were too much for her to bear, she charged, risked everything she had, just to feel alive.
And on rare occasions like now, when Grissom had just done something that he would do the exact same way in her dreams, she even allowed herself to hope that her dream had a chance to come true.
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The next chapter: Male Element, is almost done. So you won't have to wait long for an update.
Reviews and suggestions or speculations are welcome.