Through A Lens, Dorkily
An Aaaah! Real Monster's Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: This started as a way of explaining a few discrepencies in the series proper, then ballooned into a full-length story. Ickis' glasses can be seen most prominently in the two-part episode "Monsters Are Real" and a few stock images. Later, if you'll notice the scenes where he and his father interact, you'll see that Slickis' eyes are a solid white, whereas Ickis' have a slight yellowish cast (lending credence to the theory that he switched to contacts). Incidentally, on the rare occasions where his VA, Charlie Adler, gave an interview on Nickelodeon, he wears a rather spiffy pair of glasses when reading from a script, but removes them for all close-up takes. So I guess he and Ickis have a shared vanity.
There were few things more exciting for a trio of young monsters than recieving packages from home. Although they were used to attending a boarding school, many still retained a degree of homesickness (some moreso than others). Oblina gingerly removed the wrappings from her parcel, knowing how much her mother valued propriety.
"How nice. Mumsy and Dada sent me my monthly allowance of toenails." she remarked as she removed a small pouch. "Oh, and the latest issue of "Life of Leisure". I see Mumsy has even bookmarked the article on how "Scaring Is For Savages". She never was one for subtlety."
Krumm gleefully tore into his present. "Wow! My dad sent me a sample of the mold harvest!" He dipped a finger into the bottle and pronounced judgement. "Earthy, with a hint of loam."
Ickis hadn't revealed his gift yet, intent on savoring the moment. "Well, my gift is gonna be better than both of yours combined!" he loftily announced. "Anything Dad sends is bound to be so horrible it'll scare you speechless!" With a flourish he opened the box... only to stare at the contents, dumbstuck.
"You weren't kidding." Krumm laughed. "That gift really did shut you up."
"Thank Slickis for small miracles." Oblina teased. "I think it's marvelous that he sent you replacemant eyeglasses."
Ickis took a deep breath, then wailed. "Oh no. Oh no no no no no. How can you do this to me, Dad?" He regarded the spectacles with a mixture of fear and disgust, as if he were wishing that they would spontaneously combust.
"Ickis, you are being MOST ungrateful. I'm sure your father spent a lot of toenails on those. If I were you, I would write him a thank-you letter, immediately." Oblina smugly advised.
"Oh sure." Ickis mimed writing. "Thanks Dad, for RUINING my life." he sarcastically quipped.
Oblina was unmoved by her friend's theatrics. "If anything, I think they would only improve your studies. How many times have your contacts fallen out while looming?" she argued logically.
Ickis remained dismissive. "When you've gone on as many successful scares as I have, you'll find it's impossible to keep track of every little detail." he claimed.
"Says the monster with the lowest Grade Point Average." Oblina retorted. "I remember the trip to the carnival where you wandered in the hall of mirrors for twenty minutes before smashing into your own reflection."
"So it happened once..." Ickis grumbled.
"And again at the laundromat, where you slammed into the dryer." Oblina continued.
"Or twice..." Ickis reluctantly admitted.
"And then there was the flower shop, where you stepped on all those rakes." added Oblina.
"Or even frequently!" Ickis snapped. "It's NOT like any of those accidents caused me dermanent pamage."
Oblina and Krumm blinked. Finally, Oblina pulled out her trump card. "What about the week when you refused to wear them AT ALL and you fell in love with that ridiculous puppet?"
Ickis gasped. "I thought we agreed never to talk about certain subjects, Little Miss Hebopply!" he roared.
Oblina's eyes narrowed. "What did you call me, you lazy bunny?" she hissed.
Ickis adopted a falsetto. "Am I cool? Have I got the woggle?" He gave her an accusatory stare before continuing, "You can deny it all you want, but you care what everyone thinks just as much as I do. If a monster is the slightest bit different from the others, he gets laughed at."
"Well maybe you should try being more mature than the other monsters." Oblina suggested.
Ickis refused to yield. "It's not just me! I can't make the rest of the class be mature! It's against their very nature! Everybody makes fun of monsters who wear glasses. -I- make fun of monsters who wear glasses." he asserted.
Krumm nodded sagely. "It's hard being a hypocrite when it comes back to bite you, huh buddy?"
Ickis glared at him petulantly. "I have no idea what you are talking about." he stated firmly. "But I do know that I am NOT wearing these."
Fifteen minutes later, the trio were seated in class, with Ickis looking exceptionally peeved. "I cannot -believe- I'm wearing these." he groused.
Oblina urged him to remain positive. "Remember what the great philosopher Scalvin said. 'It does not matter what you wear, what matters is how well you scare.'" she quoted.
Ickis regarded her quizzically. "Scalvin? Wasn't he the guy with eight tentacles, a spiked tail, and claws that could slice through solid metal? The same Scalvin who was voted "Academy's Most Putrid" for six consecutive decades?"
Oblina sighed dreamily. "Seven. You really should do your research, Icky."
Ickis scowled fiercely. "There has -got- to be a way out of this." he reasoned aloud.
Krumm scratched himself casually. "What happened to your first pair of glasses?" he asked.
"That's easy. The Snorch broke 'em." Inspiration dawned for Ickis. "And he could do it again! Oh, I'm gonna be Snorched for sure." he happily exclaimed, as he crumpled a random piece of paper at threw it at the school's enormous disciplinarian. Unfortunately, Zimbo had caught sight of Ickis' movement and with a practiced swoop, managed to intercept the papery projectile.
"Ex-cuse me your Grombleness. But I believe Ickis had something he wanted to tell you." Zimbo announced with malicious glee.
The Gromble's smile was disarmingly cheerful. "Splendid work, Zimbo. I'm sure we're all looking forward to this little bit of wisdom."
Ickis slunk lower into his seat. "What was on that paper?" Krumm whispered.
"My own death warrant." replied Ickis morosely.
"Pay attention, class. We're about to hear from a literary genius." The Gromble's voice dripped with sarcasm as he uncrumpled Ickis' paper and began to read aloud. " 'The Gromble is fat. Who does he think he's kidding? The belt don't change that.'" He paused, as the meaning of the poem sunk in. The entire class burst in laughter. "ICKIS! Get your little red butt down here THIS INSTANT!" he hollered.
Ickis gulped. "It was really more of a constructive criticism than an abject assessment of your appearance." he meekly protested.
"Of all the slanderous statements, this sonnet is simply the sorriest!" the Gromble bellowed.
Although he still cowered reflexively, Ickis was starting to see a way he could make the Gromble's wrath work to his advantage. "It's called a haiku." he corrected.
The Gromble stared at him, slightly off-put. "A haiku?" he repeated.
"Gesundheit, sir!" Ickis cheekily responded.
The Gromble flushed in annoyance. "You're in trouble now." he growled.
"Absolutely! I couldn't agree with you more! Send me to the Snorch! I'm sure it will convince me to display the the proper respect to my elders. Um, I mean superiors? Most maleficent Headmaster in the History of All that is Horrible?" Ickis was starting to worry that he was losing all momentum.
"No." the Gromble refused to be outsmarted by a student. "I have the feeling you'd enjoy it too much. But since you are so convinced that you're the paragon of physical fitness, I want you to drop and give me fifty pushups. ON YOUR EARS!"
Ickis squatted into position. "One, two, three..." he counted under his breath.
"Let that be a lesson for everyone. Never bite off more than you can chew." the Gromble asserted. "Now it has come to my notice, that some of you are growing bored with these so-called easy scaring assignments. You think that you can go beyond scaring small children and adults with obvious nervous disorders, hmm?" A few of the students nodded tentatively. "WRONG! There is more to scaring that simply finding an impressive target. You need technique, finesse, and most importantly, discipline. That's why I want you to- Ickis, don't even THINK about returning to your seat. You still owe me twelve more push-ups. And you'll be following THAT up with a sequence of fifty jumping jacks-" the Gromble lectured effortlessly. "While the rest of you little maggots consult your manual on acceptable scaring tactics. There is a time and place for improvision, but if you rush into every scare headfirst, all you'll develop is a hard head. I firmly believe that each and every one of you has the potential for greatness, except for Ickis, who seems bound and determined to remain a second-rate scarer."
"Hey!" Ickis objected hotly. "You haven't -huff- even't seen -huff- any scares from me -huff- today!" he protested between excersices.
"Oh, were you planning on walking into some more rakes?" the Gromble drawled. "I admit, that scene's always good for a morale booster."
"Why can't my -huff- successes ever be -huff- as impressive -huff- as my failures?" Ickis whined.
"I've always put it down to the law of averages." the Gromble flippantly remarked. "But if you think you can go the whole day without making a spectacle of yourself, then I'll give you the honor of performing the first advanced-level scare."
Ickis fell over in shock. "When you say honor, you're using some archaic definition, aren't you?" he questioned.
"Master Ickis, there are times when you almost convince me you're a monster of real vision." the Gromble informed him.
Ickis clumsily righted himself. "They say puns are the lowest form of humor, your Grombleness." he griped.
"And I gather that you're a bit of an expert regarding all things low, hmmm?" the Gromble laughed. "Show yourself to be a worthy scarer, Master Ickis. Tonight, you're to frighten Simon the Monster Hunter. Do a good job and I'll forget all about this morning's little incident."
Ickis stared at his Headmaster in disbelief. "You would really do that?" he asked increduosly.
The Gromble sighed. "I'm not unreasonable, Master Ickis. I'm big enough to admit that."
"I'll say." Ickis muttered. The Gromble glared at him menancingly.
"Get out of my sight." The Gromble snapped irritably. "You're dismissed, all of you." As the students filed out the Gromble's voice was all but inaudible. "Fat? I'm every inch of the monster I was in my youth, and then some!" he insisted.
"Well I hope you're satisfied Icky." remarked Oblina. "You made a perfect fool of yourself back there."
"Go easy on him." Krumm suggested. "Nobody's perfect."
"Thanks a lot, Krumm. I'm -so- glad I have friends like you to defend me." Ickis complained.
"You're welcome." Krumm happily replied.
Ickis ignored him. There were plenty of other monsters he could turn to for support. He singled out a small, slightly pudgy female monster with multiple legs and a bouffant hair style. "Dizzle! Hey Dizzle!" he waved to her, a bit over-enthusiastically. "I was wondering, you wanna have lunch together? Or maybe we could go foraging some time? You can even accompany me on my scare tonight. I've got a truly revolting evening planned out..."
Dizzle giggled coyly. "Are you trying to ask me out? While you're wearing those idiotic glasses?"
Ickis frowned. He definitely didn't like where this conversation was headed. "What's wrong with my glasses?" he demanded.
"They make you look gweebie." Dizzle informed him, as if it were the most obvious statement in the world.
"Is gweebie a good thing?" he asked nervously. Maybe he could salvage this effort still.
Dizzle shook her head. "The snorbliest." she pronounced definitively and went to sit with Horrrifica and the other popular monsters.
Ickis was crushed. "You heard what Dizzle said. She doesn't like my glasses either." he groaned.
"And I s'pose if Dizzle told you to go play in traffic you'd do that." Oblina angrily retorted.
"Why not? Maybe a bus could hit me and smash my glasses into a million, billion pieces!" Ickis commented darkly.
"While you are still attached to them? Ickis, that's crazy talk!" Oblina snapped.
"Well, it doesn't sound so crazy from where I'm standing!" Ickis pouted.
Oblina sighed. "That is because you are a silly little monster who refuses to listen to the voice of reason, and instead puts all his faith in someone who routinely makes up words!" she countered.
"I think it embiggens her." Ickis stated as they picked up their lunch trays. The squat brown monster nearest him in line kept throwing glances in his direction. "What are you staring at, Snav?" Ickis grumbled.
Snav continued to study him intently. "You look different today, Ickis. Did you do something with your ears?" he inquired.
"No!" Ickis scowled in frustration. "And they call me stupid." he murmured.
"I prefer the term 'scarillectually challenged'. It makes it sound more like we pity you." Snav told him.
"I don't need your pity!" Ickis hotly contested.
"Okay. I'll be in the non-gweebie section, then. Bye, Ickis!" Snav called out cheerfully.
Ickis' resolve crumpled. "I changed my mind! I -like- pity! Pity is my friend!" he insisted.
"Control yourself, Ickis." advised Oblina. "Have a little dignity."
Krumm licked his lips. "Is that what they call this dessert? It's delicious."
Ickis pitched his tray into the garbage. "I'm not hungry." he groused.
"What now Ickis? Are you trying to starve all your troubles away?" Oblina wondered half-jokingly.
"That depends. How much weight d'you think I need to lose in order to make these glasses fall off my face?" Ickis asked in all earnestness.
Oblina handed him a portion of her lunch. "I will NOT stand idly by long enough for you to find out!" she assured him. "You are going to have a proper meal and then Krumm and I are going to go topside with you. You will scare Simon to the best of your ability, and you will keep your nonsensical babblings down to a dull roar."
Ickis opened his mouth in protest. "I don't babble. I just go off on increasingly wild tangents." he argued.
"Yeah, that sounds about right." agreed Krumm.
"Boys. If there is anything more bonsty-ish than one boy, it's two of them together." Oblina uttered in exasperation.
Predictably, Ickis was making their preparations harder than they needed to be, as he spent most of the journey complaining loudly. "You just don't understand how socially awkward these glasses make me!" he insisted.
Oblina shook her head. "You have always been awkward Icky. Nothing has changed." she gently informed him.
"Yeah, but before I could at least PRETEND I wasn't!" he whined. "Now that it's staring me in the face..." Ickis trailed off, miserably.
"I thought I was the only one who could stare at my own face." Krumm pointed out. He demonstrated this fact by holding one of his eyeballs in front of his nose.
"Okay, so you're really talented." Ickis admitted. "You smell horrible, your eyes are detachable, and you can eat anything." Ickis paused. "Hey! I bet you could swallow my glasses, even! You'd do that for me, wouldn't you Krumm? Pleeeaaase?"
Krumm hesitated. "I don't know. Wouldn't that cut up my intestines?" he asked.
"Only if you chewed first!" Ickis tried to sound reassuring.
"Ickis! Stop trying to damage Krumm's intestinal tract!" scolded Oblina.
Ickis pouted. "Fine! Who needs to see anyway? Mr. Robinson was blind and he was amazing!" Ickis loudly proclaimed.
"Didn't he die recently?" Krumm remarked casually.
Ickis' lip quivered. "I need a moment!" he blurted out, sobbing.
Oblina glared at Krumm. "You just HAD to mention that!" she chastised. Krumm looked sheepish. "We'll be right nearby, waiting for you at Simon's house. Just take a few moments to compose yourself, Icky."
Ickis nodded glumly. "I was such a bad friend." he moaned piteously. "I'll never forgive myself for letting him down!"
"Nice work, Krumm. You really are helping with his neuroses." Oblina whispered savagely.
"Thanks. He does seem to have developed more of them." Krumm proudly stated.
"That's not the help he needs!" Oblina hissed as she led Krumm away.
The two monsters were cautious as they approached Simon's home. "He left a window open. Do you think we should go through it?" asked Krumm.
Oblina bit her lip nervously. "I don't see any traps nearby. And he is almost certainly monitoring the toilet based on everything he knows aboot us. This may give us the element of surprise." she managed to sound more confident than she felt.
"Traps?" Krumm's eyes darted back and forth. "What kind of traps?"
"Clever, diabolical traps." Oblina carefully made her way across the darkened room. "We must'nt let our guards down for an instant. Who knows what dangers Simon has planned." They heard a small click and then their vision was filled with swirling, black blobs bathed in a reddish glow.
"The lamp." Krumm gurgled happily.
"The lah-mp." Oblina exclaimed with delight.
"That's right! I've got lava lamps in EVERY room and they're all set on a timer!" Simon announced triumphantly. "I knew I'd get you little beasts someday! Who's bad? I'm bad, I'm bad bad bad bad BAD!"
"I love the lamp." Krumm cooed.
"The lah-mp is magnificent." stated Oblina.
"Oh, this is brilliant!" Simon cackled. "I can capture you two with no resistance! And since you're both so distracted, I can even gloat about my evil schemes without any fear of retribution. Follow the lamp, your foul little vermin, and walk right into my cage! Once you're locked away, I'm calling all the news stations. They called me mad, but we'll see who's mad when I unveil proof that monsters exist!" He laughed uproariously as Oblina and Krumm trotted into the cage, and he turned the key into the lock.
Back in the alleyway, Ickis was still sniffling a little. He had finally thought to remove his glasses, since they were now so tear-streaked as to be useless. "I should just dump the snorbly things right here." he mumbled. He was about to lay them on top of the nearest garbage can, when he realized that Oblina would surely demand to know what happened to them. She might even threaten to tell his Dad about how much he hated his present, and he couldn't bear the thought of the Great Slickis being disappointed in his son's actions. He sighed and clipped the glasses onto his left ear. They probly looked even gweebier dangling like that, but he didn't have time to worrry about it. He'd clean them off throughly when he got home. For now, he had to meet up with his friends and give Simon the scare of a lifetime. His right ear perked up as he heard a hauntingly familair refrain.
"Who's bad? I'm bad, I'm bad bad bad bad BAD!" Simon taunted. Ickis froze. If Simon was that happy, it could only mean that his friends were in trouble! He had to rescue them! He turned to follow the sound and stepped directly on top of the garbage can lid.
"YEE-OWWW!" he wailed and then covered his mouth with his claws. Oh, he hoped Oblina hadn't overheard that. If she had, he didn't think she'd ever let him forget it. Limping slightly, he approached Simon's home.
"Yes, that's right, two monsters. One of them looks like a candy cane, and the other resemblances some sort of stinky lawn gnome. No, I have not gone off my medications!" Simon snarled into the phone. "The monsters are real and I've got them locked up so tight, they'll never escape! If you'll bring your news team over here, I can guarantee the report of a lifetime. Yes, I'll hold while you get your supervisor." The sound of a dial tone soon filled the air. "They've changed their hold music." Simon observed.
"They're not the only ones who are going to be changing their tune!" Ickis boldly declared as he stumbled into the room. "I'm not gonna -ow- let you hurt my friends."
Simon was gleeful. "Another monster? Must be my lucky day. Gaze upon the lamp and tremble! Ha!"
"Ha yourself!" Ickis retorted. "Where the others see vaguely defined blobs, I see only blurred images. Without my glasses, the lamp means nothing to me!"
Simon reeled from this unexpected setback. "I didn't even know monsters wore glasses!" he stammered.
"I prefer contacts. It's kind of a sensitive subject, alright?" Ickis testily replied.
"Typical insane monster logic. What's the point in wearing contacts, when they just pop out at the most inoppurtune times?" scoffed Simon.
From her cage, Oblina could be heard chanting. "I told you so, I told you so, I told you so~ooo."
Ickis considered this. "You seem pretty knowledgable about glasses, Simon. I was just wondering, are yours just for reading, or do you use them everyday?" he inquired.
Simon couldn't believe he was conversing with one of the loathsome creatures, but he found himself drawn into the topic unwittingly. "What sort of devious question is that? Of course they're for everyday use." Simon stated.
Ickis beamed. "That's what I thought." He jumped up and snatched Simon's glasses in one fluid motion, then proceeded to loom to gigantic proportions. When he judged that he had grown sufficiently large he slammed the glasses onto the floor, and ground them under his heel. "Be seeing you, Simon."
Simon was aghast. "How dare you trick me like that! I demand that you stand no further than two feet from me, and quit making any sudden movements. When I get my hands on you, I'm going to -ow- stupid, stupid lamp- why didn't I buy the cordless variety?" Simon grumbled as he tripped over the extension cord.
Oblina and Krumm shook themselves out of the trance. "Sorry. Did you say something about traps? I wasn't listening." confessed Krumm.
Ickis reached over and picked the lock with a claw. "Come with me if you want to live!" he announced and dramatically gestured to his right.
Oblina seemed unimpressed. "Ickis, you are pointing towards a broom closet. The exit is on your left." she informed him.
Ickis' ears drooped. "I knew THAT." he bluffed. "I was just making sure you were paying attention!"
Oblina rolled her eyes. "Sure you were. Come on you two, we are leaving!" she grabbed a hold of Ickis and forcibly dragged him to safety while Krumm followed behind.
Although the young monsters knew they should be returning to the dump as soon as possible, they couldn't resist waiting a few moments in the shadows, where they could watch Simon's continued humilation.
Simon was completely focused on his argument with a young reporter in a yellow jumpsuit, signifying her as a member of the Channel Six News Crew. "I'm telling you, the monsters WERE here. And one of them broke my glasses!" he bemoaned.
The reporter merely snickered. "Was this before or after he kicked sand in your face?" she quipped.
"AAAGH! I'm not bad, I'm stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Simon berated himself.
Oblina, Ickis, and Krumm struggled to subdue their laughter. "What a perfect end to a scare. I daresay the Gromble will be as pleased with the results as we were, Ickis." Oblina commented.
"You bet it's perfect!" Ickis squealed with delight. "All I have to do now is 'accidentally' step on my glasses while looming, then I 'accidentally' won't have them anymore!"
Oblina glowered at him. "Then I will just have to 'accidentally' buy you another pair." Before Ickis could protest this development, she cut him off. "And I shall keep 'accidentally' buying you more, until you 'accidentally' forget you ever had such a self-destructive idea. My parents are rich, and you shall run out of schemes long before we run out of toenails." she steadfastly avowed.
Ickis' jaw dropped. "That's not FAIR!" he whined. "Oblina, you're not acting very hebopply!"
~~~The End.
Author's Note: I hope you all enjoyed that. It's alot of fun portraying the way Ickis and Oblina bicker back-and-forth. No longer bothering to convey her accent, but I trust that I captured her 'nagginess' effectively, just as Ickis' manic depressive personality was in full swing this adventure. Please leave a review (because only lazy bunnies forget to give proper feedback. Nag, nag, nag.)