AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you're looking for plot, characterization, or meaningful social interactions don't look for it here! It's really in-joke heavy, so if you know comicverse it'll help. This story popped out when I was getting back into the groove of writing, it's all parody, but if you're in the right mood for some bizarre non-intellectual tongue-in-cheek humor look no further! It's arrived!
LIGHTS OUT
Bobby was lounging with Scott Summers on the sofa when the front door of the mansion opened and Kitty dragged herself into the front hallway. She had bags under her eyes and her clothing looked worse for the wear.
"Hey Kitty, what's up?" Bobby called. "Man, you look exhausted."
"Tell me about it," Kitty groaned, flopping down on the sofa and dropping her duffel bag at her feet. "I just got back from Logan's family reunion, and man, it was rough."
"Yeah?" Bobby asked. "What happened exactly?"
"Well, first of all there's Daken," Kitty began, rolling her eyes. "Jesus! He wouldn't let up! It was all 'Dad I hate you. Dad I'm gonna try and kill you. Dad you bought the wrong kind of barbecue sauce I said honey barbecue not hickory."
"That is rough," Bobby said. "Although I can kinda understand the barbeque sauce thing. A man's gotta have the right kind of sauce, you know."
"Oh that's not even the half of it!" Kitty continued, raising her voice. "Turns out, Laura's trigger scent is actually grilling hamburger! Guess how we found that out? The hard way!"
"Yiiiikes," Bobby said sympathetically.
"Yeah, and when she went into a berserker rage she ended up knocking over Mariko's urn. Ashes everywhere. You can imagine Logan was not too pleased."
"I can only imagine," Bobby said gravely.
Kitty threw her hands in the air, "It was a nightmare, and… oh, here comes Logan now."
Logan stomped into the mansion with a scowl on his face.
"No I don't wanna talk about it! An' tell Beast I'm sorry, but I can't give 'im back that 'Kiss The Chef' apron 'cause it got too many bullet holes in it when the National Guard showed up."
"What a pity," said Hank, strolling into the room. "I did so like that particular apron. Welcome home, Logan."
Logan grunted in reply and his scowl deepened.
"So...," Kitty said, giving a sigh, "What's been going on around here lately? What'd we miss?"
"Well," Scott said, speaking up, "We had a little run in with Magneto, now that you mention it."
"How'd that go?" Kitty asked.
"Well…to be truthful, a little odd," Scott said, furrowing his brow behind his visor. "He didn't really put up a fight. In fact he didn't fight us at all. Actually, he just pointed his finger at Colossus and kept giggling."
"Really?" Kitty said, confused.
"Da!" Colossus said, leaning his enormous form against the doorway. "Tovarish is-- how you say—one ball bearing short of a fountain pen, no?"
"That doesn't make any sense," Scott muttered.
"Huh," Bobby mused. "I guess ol' Magneto's really lost it this time."
"Guess so," Kitty shrugged, grinning at Colossus.
"Is anyone hungry?" Colossus asked, looking around the room. "I will get some nice toad casserole, da?"
"Toad casserole?" Kitty asked, blanching.
"Don't ask don't tell," Cyclops piped up. Then he said quite cheerily, "In totally unrelated news, Toad is dead."
"Good riddance I say," Hank said off-handedly.
"Uh, I'm not hungry, thanks," Kitty said, looking slightly queasy.
Colossus shrugged and walked into the kitchen. A second later there was a loud CLANG followed by a bellow.
"Bozhe moy! I am sticking to the refrigerator!" Colossus yelled. "I've been magnetized!"
"Well, I guess that explains the Magneto thing a little better," Scott commented. "That's a good lesson to learn, dear readers. Most situations have logical solutions."
Bobby looked around, "Who are you talking to?"
"Didn't ya hear the professor tellin' us never to break the fourth wall?" Logan asked, looking pissed.
"Oh, right--So…anyone catch the game?" Cyclops quickly to change the subject.
"Yeah," Logan said, "The score was you suck, Scott."
"Hmm," Scott said. "That's an unusual score. I'll have to check that out. Jean! Jean honey, would you go out and get the paper so I can look at the sports page!"
"Sure thing baby cakes!" Jean said, running down the stairs. She breezed past Scott and stopped at Logan, giving him a long, lingering kiss.
"What the hell are you doing, Jean?" Scott demanded.
"Oh, uh, you know. We were about to die. Or something." Jean replied.
"Right then!" Scott said. "I suppose it can be overlooked then! Just like last time. And the time before that."
"Eight o'clock tonight babe, same time same place?" Logan asked Jean in a low voice, giving her a smoldering look.
"Sure thing sexy," Jean purred.
Scott stared hard at them, like he was working out a crossword puzzle.
"Danger Room session, honey," Jean explained. "We're meeting for a Danger Room session."
"Oh yes, of course," Scott said, relieved.
"Don't forget the condoms and hot sauce!" Logan called as Jean jogged out the door to get the paper.
Scott looked at Logan and squinted.
Logan shrugged.
"Oh, I see," Scott said at last. "That must be a code word for some top secret mission that Xavier has entrusted to my wife."
"Uh… sure Cyke. Yeah, that thing you just said," Logan replied, giving Scott a third-degree side-eye.
Jean had just made it off the mansion lawn to the curb when she called, "I got the paper Scott sweetie!"
The minute the words were out of her mouth, a Hummer H2 drove by and smashed Jean flat as a pancake. The license plate read BRTHRHD1.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Logan howled.
"No, you killed Jean!" Beast roared. "You bastards!"
Scott looked nonplussed. Everyone else stared at him, waiting for his reaction. He scratched his head before he spoke.
"You know, it's… it's just become such an everyday thing, I can't…what do you want me to do guys, I can't fake it," Scott tried to explain.
"Scott!" Kitty scolded. "Your wife was just made into asphalt putty right before your very eye! Are you going to cry yourself, or am I going to have to make you?"
"Fine," Scott said. "No…Jean… no. My darling wife. Why, why, fate is so cruel. I sure hope she's resurrected in time to do the laundry, the hamper's full."
Scott stuck his hands in his pockets and looked morose. Everyone seemed pretty satisfied with that.
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!" Colossus called from the kitchen.
Before anyone could respond, Gambit burst through the door.
"Hey! X-men! Everyone be all together today, no? Perhaps we should celebrate!"
"Yes, Gambit, we should indeed!" said Ororo, breezing in behind him through the open door. "It is Friday and thus a furlough day for everyone, is it not?"
Ororo looked coolly around at her friends sitting about in the living room of the mansion.
"Where is Jean? Dead, or perhaps in the women's room?"
"Oh, she's dead," said Scott, and then remembered to look sad.
"Very well," said Storm. "Then I shall not wait on her. What kind of celebration should we plan?"
"Oooh! Oooh I know, a costume party!" said Bobby enthusiastically, "It'll be a great change of pace! We can all dress up in outlandish getups and—"
DING DONG
Bobby was interrupted by the doorbell.
"I'm team leader, I'll get it," Cyclops commanded.
"God, I hate that guy," Logan muttered.
Scott flung open the door and the X-Men gave a collective gasp. Standing there was a redheaded woman in thigh-high leather boots and a black bodice.
"Jean! Back so soon?" Ororo asked.
The woman stepped in the room and set her purse and belongings down on the table.
"Yes everyone," she announced. "It is I, Jean Gray. I've been miraculously resurrected by the Phoenix Force."
"Just in time too, Jean!" Beast said jovially. "We're planning a costume party!"
"Hey, one-eye," Logan whispered at Scott. "I don't think that's really your wife."
One of Scott's eyebrow's rose. "You don't? Why not?"
"What, are ya stupid Summers? Look at her!"
"Scott!" the woman yelled at Cyclops. "Did you hear what he said about me? Are you just going to stand there and take that kind of tone from Logan?"
"Ohh boy. That's her all right," Scott said, shaking his head. "Scott, stand up for yourself. Scott, grow a spine. Scott stop wearing my underwear it, stretches it out too much. Bitch bitch bitch."
"That's Jeannie for ya," Logan conceded. "It's always Logan too hard. Logan not hard enough. Logan again. What's she think I am anyway, a machine?"
"Women," Scott huffed and tried to look annoyed.
"Hey… hey… I'm rolling my eyes right now, but I'm not sure if anyone can tell," Scott said, looking around. "Can anyone tell?"
"No, not really," Gambit admitted.
"No," said Kitty.
"No I'm afraid I cannot," said Storm.
"Well I am!" Cyclops said in frustration. "Maybe if I just try a little harder I—"
ZZZZZZZZAAARK!
In an instant, an optic blast had blown a six-foot hole in the roof of the mansion.
"Whoops," Scott said. "I sure hope that homeowner's insurance Mystique sold us covers laser beam damage."
"You mean those papers she put in front of you that you signed? I hate to break it to you Scott, but that wasn't homeowner's insurance. You signed away the title of your car to her."
"Oh," Scott said. "Well damn. I guess reading the fine print is important after all."
"SCOTT!" A voice called. All the X-Men looked up at once to see Professor Xavier looking down through the hole in the roof.
"Professor!" Storm cried. "What in heavens are you doing on the roof?"
"A better question to ask, my children, is what am I not doing on the roof," the Professor called down and gave them all a meaningful look.
"Ah…I think I understand," said Hank in a hushed and awed tone.
"The professor's so smart," sighed Jean. "I wish I could be all smart and fancy and psychic like that."
"Pssst! Summers!" Logan said, elbowing Cyclops in the ribs. "I'm serious. That ain't Jeannie. She ain't your wife."
Scott turned to Logan, annoyed.
"And how exactly would you know that, Wolverine?" Scott asked.
"'Cause," Logan said. "I was goin' through her purse just now an' I found her driver's license. It says 'Madelyn Pryor.'"
"Oh," Scott said, thinking about that a moment. Then he asked, "Why were you going through her purse, anyway?"
"Because," Logan said in an increasingly annoyed tone, "I was stealin' her credit cards. Who are ya now anyway, Sherlock Holmes?"
"TO ME, X-MEN!" Professor Xavier cried from atop the roof.
"Uh…Professor," Bobby said, hating to be the one to break the bad news. "You're on the roof. Only like two of us here can fly."
"What?" Xavier called down in an outraged tone. "Only two of you? What did I found this Institute for? So that everyone could fly, that's why! You've all failed me! No Christmas bonuses this year!"
"GOD DAMMIT!" Logan yelled.
"Except for you, Beast," the Professor amended, and then said slyly, "You know why."
"Ewww!" Bobby said, giving Beast the eye.
"You'll understand better when you're older Bobby," Hank said knowingly.
DING DONG!
Just then the doorbell rang again.
"Who could it possibly be?" Storm inquired.
"If it's Jubilee, we all have to turn off the lights and pretend we're not home," Bobby reminded everyone.
"Of course, that's always been the drill," Scott replied, approaching the door. He looked carefully through the peephole.
"Why it's another Jean!" he exclaimed, and threw the door wide open. "Nobody here secretly applied for Wife Swap and didn't tell me, did you?"
"Hey everyone!" Jean said cheerily. "Sorry I took so long! I was in the bad bug room, then the white hot room, then the restroom, then I had to stop and ask Jesus for directions, but now I'm back and – hey!" Jean yelled, spotting her imposter, Madelyn. "Who are you, bitch?"
"Don't you talk to me like that you Phoenix piece of trash!" Madelyn screeched.
"Oooh, catfight!" Bobby yelled in delight.
"You two-bit hooker, how dare you impersonate me wearing those hideous goodwill reject boots!" Jean screamed, pulling Madelyn's hair.
Madelyn kicked at Jean with her boots and clawed at her face.
"I'll rip that cheap dye job weave right off your head!" Jean cried.
"Please! Stop this violence at once!" Storm begged.
"Take your tops off!" Logan called with a grin.
Just then there was a sudden thump as Madelyn's lifeless body fell suddenly to the floor.
"Oh..ah…" said Rogue, appearing. "Ah was just stoppin' in to say hi an' I kinda forgot my gloves."
"It happens chere," Gambit said sympathetically.
"Well," Bobby said, standing over Madelyn's stiffening body and nudging it cautiously with his toe. "What do we do with THIS?"
"I'm the leader and I have a solution!" Cyclops announced. Without hesitation, he lifted the corner of the Persian rug and rolled Madelyn's body under it.
"Consider your problem solved," Scott said proudly.
"Now Scott!" Rogue scolded. "Ya know how that turned out last time sugah!"
"Rogue is correct!" boomed Professor Xavier's voice as he rolled into the room behind Rogue. "If I have taught the X-Men one thing, ti's now to properly dispose of a body, since I will have to dispose of yours one day soon."
"Gah!" Rogue jumped. "Professah, ya scared me half to death! What'd you say about disposin' of our bodies?"
"Nothing of importance," Charles said quickly. "I've just received word that Magneto has begun assembling the world's largest army of pigeons to attack humankind."
"Pigeons?" Beast asked. "Isn't that a little…strange?"
"Well Hank," Xavier began, "you see, after dying and then returning as Xorn to in order to help me fight my bald twin sister I had battled in the womb…"
"Never mind," Beast quickly said.
"Anyway children, that was not the most important thing I came down here to tell you," the Professor continued. "I came down here to tell you that we shall reconvene in two hours for the costume party."
"But Professor," Storm protested, "The costume party was a surprise, how did you know?"
"Remember my children!" Xavier said gravely. "I hear all and see all!" he said, casting a suspicious eye around the room. "And Bobby, I know what you did with that ice sculpture yesterday and I'm not happy about it!"
Bobby looked down, ashamed.
"I will see you in two hours, X-Men! Remember; your lives hang in the balance!"
"They do?" Gambit asked.
"No, no, I'm sorry. Force of habit," Xavier explained, then turned his wheelchair and rolled away.
Two hours later the members of the X-Men reconvened in the living room.
Scott stood in the center of the room, mask on his face, clad in yellow and blue spandex and boots.
"I don't believe it…" Beast said.
"Look, I found a Wolverine costume at Wishing Well!" Scott said happily. "It even came with plastic claws!"
"PLEASE I BEG OF YOU! I AM DYING IN HERE MY FRIENDS!" Colossus called from the kitchen.
No one was listening.
"I came dressed as cat-woman," Storm announced. "And I bought this swordfish and something called a monster's ball for just forty-nine cents," she said, holding them up. "They were in the bargain bin!"
"And what's your costume, Logan?" asked Bobby, who was dressed as Elvis. Logan was wearing his usual flannel over wife beater and jeans.
"I'm, uh, a guy who secretly has sex with Jean a lot," Logan replied.
"Well that's an original idea!" Scott commended. "When did you think of it?"
"Oh, 'bout ten minutes ago in the shower," Logan answered.
Just then Jean came running down the stairs with a towel, her hair wet.
"Oh, um, hi guys," she said, looking around.
"And what are you Jean?" Storm asked.
"I'm uh… the amazing towel girl?" Jean said.
"Utterly fascinating!" Storm replied.
"Can you guess who I am, X-Men?" the Professor asked, rolling in wearing a maroon-and-black uniform.
"I have no idea Professor! Who?" Storm asked.
"Beam me up Scotty!" the Professor cried.
"What?" Scott said confused.
"I'm giving you clues!" Xavier said. "Warp 10, engage! Yes? Yes? Who am I?"
They all stared at him.
"I can't believe I sunk all my money into this school," Xavier grumbled. "I may as well change the placard to Xavier's School for the Retarded. That's it. As of today, you're all cut out of my will."
"SHIT!" Logan swore.
"Since I now realize I've spent my fortune training a bunch of idiotic lab monkeys, I may as well tell you, I'm Picard! Captain Picard! From Star Trek."
Everyone kept staring.
"Gambit… he is a Battlestar Gallactica man himself," Gambit said.
"Yeah I watch Firefly, but not Star Trek," Rogue said.
Just then, Emma Frost came home and stood regally before them.
"Behold the white queen and cower before my glorious presence! Compared to my beauty and grace you are all nothing more than dog feces on the heel of my exquisite diamond boot!"
There was a light smattering of applause.
"Nicely done! Nice costume, Emma," said Bobby. "Glad you could make it to the costume party."
"The what party?" asked Emma, looking around in confusion.
DING DONG!
Just then, the doorbell rang.
"Oh no!" cried Jean. "It's Jubilee! I can sense it!"
The X-Men all looked at each other. They had trained for years for this very moment.
"Quick!" Scott said. "Everyone! Lights out!"
THE END