This is meant to be nearly an all-humor parody; got inspired by the Arabian Night and Monster filler eps. They're awesome XD.
Warnings: Pervy 8th Division Captian and Kon – and anyone else who thinks along those lines, language, violence and blood and gore – sometimes caused by tiny pink blades – and I don't own Bleach but I can sure as hell mess it up in this fanfic.
A Fuller Summary: After a horrible experiment went wrong (thanks to YOU, Captain of the Twelfth Division!), Ichigo is in yet another strange and yet-unheard of dimension: the Society of Souls! Now he has to stop Rukia's execution AGAIN – but this time, everyone's gender has changed. How will this – not to mention Ichigo having full Shinigami powers, bankai and all – make this new tale of bravery and friendship differ? If this doesn't spell comedy – or disaster, for our poor unsuspecting strawberry – then you have read too much angst, my friend.
Oh, and Ichigo has lost his powers, but it is before he meets the Xcution. In fact, if this runs its course, he may never meet them at all, meaning that this goes into complete AU category.
Deja Vu - BIG Time
Ichigo looked around him, and immediately wished that he hadn't. He was surrounded by what seemed to be a tornado of odd shapes and bright colours. It didn't help with the fact that his eyes seemed to have turned into two asymmetrical kaleidoscopes.
The boy frowned. Okay, he was always frowning. But now he frowned some more, so that his skin formed a neat 'V' between his sloping eyebrows. Remember… remember what happened…
Ah, right.
Mayuri smiled. "Well, what brings you to my lab, my dear Substitute- I mean, normal human soul?"
"Whatever, you creep. Something about… er… giving me back my powers?"
"Ah, yes. Our little 'experiment'. Now, if you could just step into the machine…"
"No way. Tell me what happens first. I don't wanna go in that thing until I know it's safe."
"Hmph. I don't have all day, you know. Still, if you won't cooperate… Nemu…"
"Yes, Mayuri-sama." Ichigo heard the sound of a drill, and tried to turn around. He saw his friends trying to stop Nemu from getting to him, then…
Mayuri appeared behind him, grabbed him, and threw him into the foreboding machine. "This is so very interesting!"
Then, he woke up and looked around. He immediately wished that he hadn't...
Was he still in the machine? Was he still in Soul Society? Was he still alive?
Ichigo wondered what was supposed to happen after you died. Judging from his work as a Shinigami, you just sort of woke up with a chain in your chest standing a few feet away from your body. He looked down. No chain. Then again, he was a soul when he went into the machine, so that wasn't any help at all.
"Damn. What else happens when you die?" Ichigo grumbled. He thought for a while, and then he decided, "I guess I have to look for a bright light, then."
Amazingly enough, he did see a bright light. He was so surprised that it took a few moments for him to realize that he was falling towards it.
Meanwhile…
"Ichigo? Ichigo! ICHIGO!"
Orihime had burst into tears a while ago, after going hoarse from continuously shouting "KUROSAKI-KUN!". Now, it was Rukia's turn.
Uryuu did his best to comfort the ginger, while Chad – arguably the calmest of the witnesses to Ichigo's disappearance – was explain what happened to the captains, again. Well, the captains minus Mayuri, Byakuya and Ukitake. The latter two were comforting Rukia. Well, doing their best to comfort Rukia. Ukitake seemed to be convinced that one of his best soldiers was a 5-year-old and would cheer up at the sight of a bagful of sweets, while Byakuya's approach was much more… distant. Captain Kyoraku wondered if he should tell his fellow captain that if he planned to stand a respectable distance away from his sister, then he might as well be listening to Chad. After all, with the amount of noise and movement he was making, Rukia would probably mistake him for another wall in the state that she was. Poor girl.
His vice-captain saw him looking at the trio, or rather, Rukia in particular. She pushed her glasses up her nose, and then said sharply: "If you even think about flirting with her, there will be serious trouble from the 6th Division."
The pink-clad captain gulped when he thought he saw, out of the corner of his eye, a tiny swivel of two steel-gray eyes and a miniscule twitch of the gloved hand towards Senbonzakura. The carefree reply to Naonao died in his throat, and all perverted thoughts grabbed the nearest parachute and jumped out of his head to safety. Even thoughts didn't want to be shredded by an angry Kuchiki.
His attention turned to the Head Captain again. The old captain had a certain tendency to make rash 'arrest/capture/eradicate them all decisions', so skipping even one of his sentences could very well result in an Emergency Situation. "Very well. We will try to find Ichigo Kurosaki, although there are understandably many difficulties in this operation-"
He was interrupted by one of the Stealth Force men. "We have captured and secured the fleeing Mayuri Kurotsuchi, but he refuses to answer our questions, sir. However, sir, he did say that his machine was extremely complicated, and that if we did have the resources to build another one, then we wouldn't even be able to figure out how to use it, sir."
Something didn't seem right. Frowning, Soifon murmured, "Why would we want to build another one?"
Then, as if right on cue, the building was enveloped in a giant explosion reducing the complex machine to ashes.
"Ugh."
It wasn't a very amazing or heroic thing to say at the start of a history-changing and déjà-vu-inducing adventure, but that's what they mean by starting off small. Ichigo looked around. Then he blinked a few times, and then looked around again.
"Huh? Why am I in Rukongai?" But there was something oddly familiar about dropping out of the sky into the middle of a dusty road surrounded by Japanese-style houses. It felt nostalgic. Now that he was considering his feelings, Ichigo noted that his head felt a little sore as well. And his back… there was a weight on his back.
He reached back to feel what it was, then: That isn't how you draw a sword, Ichigo.
He froze. Oh great, not even a minute in one of Kurotsuchi's machines and I'm already hearing voices in my head.
No, Ichigo, it is a voice from your soul.
Old Man Zangestu?
Yes. I have returned, for some reason. Be strong, Ichigo… I sense that there is something amiss.
Ichigo realised something. He looked down, and sure enough, he was dressed in the black of the Shinigami, complete with the socks-n-sandals.
More cautious now, the Shinigami took a moment to try to get his bearings and figure out just what had happened.
Then, Ichigo heard a thump. Well, several thumps. And a few shouts. He frowned, and moved –ahem- moved stealthily (as stealthily as a giant bulking overflowing wave of reiatsu can, but stealthily to all people with no spiritual power) to investigate. Fortunately, while the Substitute Shinigami had about as much hope in joining the Stealth Force as Titanic had of being a smuggler's ship, he could sense other's reiatsu better than Titanic could sense icebergs. Provided they were not hiding their presence.
Concentrating, he tried to identify if the people – or Hollows, or Arrancar, or Zanpakuto Spirits, or anything else, for that matter – and succeeded.
"No. Way."
Orihime was crying. He knew he wasn't supposed to cry, being a teenage boy and all, but then again, that never stopped him from wearing the 'childish' blue wristwatch that his older sister gave him. Just as well, really, since they were the ShunShunRikka. Taking a deep breath, he closed his wet eyes and screamed, "KUROSAKI-KUUUUUUUUUN!"
Ishida tried to comfort her friend while still keeping her 'Last Quincy' coolness. Chad was quiet. Then again, Chad was always quiet, even when she was being chased down the streets by something she couldn't see. Even Ms. Yoruichi, the black cat, seemed downed.
At last, the Quincy spoke: "What do we do now? We're in the Society of Souls but… but…"
"But Ichigo is dead." The muscular Mexican girl finished.
Yoruichi's feminine voice broke in. "Yes, because of Ichigo's sacrifice in the Dangai, we made it to Society of Souls. We should continue with her wishes and do our best to save Rukia, even without her."
"Of course, it will be much harder to rescue him without the help of Ichigo, but- Quick, hide! I sense someone with captain-level reiatsu approaching!"
Taking up their battle poses, they waited. Then, their terrifying foe appeared. He was a Shinigami, with a sword as large as he was, orange hair, and a look of extreme disbelief on his face. He was:
"Ichigo Kurosaki, Substitute Soul Reaper!" the Shinigami announced at the top of his voice. "Man, that really brings back memories! I missed the big damn hero moments!"
He looked at the ryoka. The ryoka looked at him. Then:
"Ichigo?"
"Ichigo."
"How?"
"KUROSAKI-KUUUUUUUUN!"
"Guys I-"
…
"WAIT, WHY ARE YOU A BOY/GIRL?"
Eeehhh... you guys hate me now, right? You probably do. I hope I'll get better. Please review. Byakuya will stop using conditioner if you don't. I'll try to get the next chapter out quickly. Tell me any mistakes or stuff you want changing. Also, there will be NO ARRANCAR in this fic. Sorry.
Until next time!