A/N: This is a sequel to 'Because'. Written from Kakashi's point. I'm dedicating this to Ryu Earth for suggesting that I should write this sequel to the fic. It took a while for me to get the ideas together. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kakashi and Iruka.
Kakashi sat on the rooftop, silently watching the starlit sky. It had happened again. He had lost count on how many times it had happened that week. He had tried his best to keep it from repeating. But apparently, he had failed again. The quarrels were getting too frequent. It was a warning sign to the health of their relationship.
Every single thing would send the chunin into frenzy and snap at him. This time, the argument was sparked off by his tendency to disappear from the house without telling. He had just returned home after being away for a few days and he hadn't expected to be greeted by infuriation and accusations. Over the heated exchange, his lover had accused him of having an affair with someone else.
He had walked out of the house, hurt and shocked. He knew that Iruka said that only in a fit of anger and would most probably forget about it later on. But every single word was etched in his mind, in silent pain and agony. And the only thing he could do was to swallow it, to allow his lover to cool down and return home after that to pacify him.
He was caught in the web of his own contradictions and lies. And he felt almost choked by the ironies of it all. He should not have emotions. Wasn't supposed to have anyone close to him. He was trained to serve and kill and to eliminate all threats from the village.
But he had allowed himself to fall in love. Had let someone into his life. Had kept the name secured in his heart. Had gotten so deeply involved in other matters.
He had fallen deep into the pool of emotions.
And then, he had hurt the person he love, just because he can't find the right words to tell.
He couldn't tell of the guilt he felt when he left without a word for his mission, because he did not want the chunin to worry. He couldn't tell of the agony to stay away from his lover after a tough mission, because he might turn violent. He couldn't tell of the pain at only being able to watch from a distance as his love sleep alone at night, because he might inadvertently hurt him when he wakes up from a nightmare. And he couldn't tell of the hurt he suffered when he sees the sadness and bitterness in those brown eyes, because he knows he's the one who put it there.
He could only apologize, time and again. Hoping that Iruka would understand. Hoping that it will ease his guilt and lift his pain. Hoping that it will soothe the agony and hurt. And hoping that he will get to keep this relationship a little while more.
He was overwhelmed. By emotions that were unfamiliar to him. He did not know when he had allowed himself to be so vulnerable and open to emotional attacks. He did not know when he had allowed himself to hold another so close to him that he felt almost empty without it.
But he knows they are both just hanging on the edge, and someday, that thin thread of hope will snap, and his lover will ask him to get out of his life. He knows of the many times Iruka looked at him and wanted to just tell the jounin to leave him alone. And he knows of all the logics that the younger man have on why they should end it.
He just wondered why Iruka hadn't said anything. He would have gladly let the younger man go. To find the happiness that he had failed to give. Even if it meant that his world will shatter into so many tiny pieces, that it will be impossible to piece it back again.
And then, he hoped for a minute that the fact that the chunin hadn't said anything was because that the younger man still love him.
He stepped into the house quietly, afraid to alarm the other man. The house was dark and there was barely a sound audible. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness before he moved.
He stopped in front of the couch, trembling a little. Afraid to move even a step further. He took in the scene before him and felt the wave of guilt hit him. Hard.
There, crouched in the corner of the living room, leaning against the wall asleep was his lover. Kakashi walked over tentatively and knelt down beside him. He lifted his slightly shaking fingers and gently swept the brown locks out from the younger man's face.
His heart ached when he saw the swollen eyes and the tear-stained cheeks. He hadn't meant to hurt Iruka. He hadn't meant to make him cry. It killed him to know that the younger man was suffering and he was the one who caused it. He sighed deeply.
Careful not to wake Iruka up, he scooped the limp body into his arms and headed towards the bedroom.
He placed the sleeping man on their bed and pulled the covers up over him. Then he headed out of the bedroom. He returned moments later with some towels and an ice pack.
Sitting down on the bed beside Iruka, he carefully used a wet towel to wipe the dried up tears from his cheeks. He then placed another towel over his eyes and the ice pack over it, so that the coldness will not sting. He sat and observed his resting lover for a minute before the other man stirred.
Iruka reached up to remove the ice pack and he was quick to stop it. He did not want Iruka to walk around the village with swollen eyes. It would do his lover no good to let others know that as a shinobi of the village, Iruka had allowed himself to get involve in emotions.
He held Iruka's hand in his for a moment before the other man pulled it away and snuggled deeper into the covers. He sighed in exasperation. And then he said it.
"I'm sorry." There it was again. An apology that he hoped will ease his guilt towards the younger man. An apology that he hoped will make the other man feel better.
And he saw the tears that flowed out from under the towel that was placed over his lover's eyes. He felt a stab in his heart as he reached over to wipe off the tears. When there was no sign of resistance from Iruka, he did what he always does.
He reached forward and pulled Iruka into an embrace. The ice pack and towel slipped from the chunin's eyes and Kakashi found himself staring at those expressive brown eyes full of hurt and questions.
"I'm sorry." He repeated and Iruka threw his arms around him and sobbed uncontrollably. Clutching on to the older man as sobs wracked his body. Kakashi pressed closer and rubbed his hands comfortingly along the back of his lover, muttering the apology over and over.
And he silently made a promise to himself, like so many times before, that he will never do anything to hurt his chunin again. And he knows that he will keep on to this promise, until the next mission comes along.
Then he would have to leave again without his lover's knowledge and come home only after he had gotten over the aftermath of the mission. And then he would have to face off those accusations again and pacify Iruka after he had calmed down. And he would apologize and promise himself all over again that he would not hurt Iruka ever.
And as he hugged his lover, he knew that, this relationship will not hold. But as long as Iruka would keep him, he would stay.