This was inspired by episode 10 of the Brotherhood…the first Royai scene. I was so caught by how gentle Riza had woken the Colonel (I prefer the Japanese version, though the English dub was also cute.), so I couldn't resist thinking what had happened before she woke him up. Originally, I intended to make this a fluffy piece, but somehow, it ended up to be quite…deeper than anticipated. *shrug

Lines in italic are from the manga. Chapter 61

Disclaimer: Yukina owns the plot, never the characters, the series, or the manga.

Equivalent Exchange

"So you went through all that in Ishval and yet you chose this path?"

…

…

Is it all right to believe in a future where everyone can live in happiness?

Those were the words I spoke long time ago, when things weren't as complicated as I thought it would be. Back then, I was the naïve, idealistic type – one who believed in happy endings and heroes and goodness. This world is round. What goes up must come down. And I was so certain that everything would come to a great ending as long as we believe.

However, life had taught me that children indeed were blind to how big the world was.

Yes…it was that war. The war that took my innocence away, took the shine of youthfulness in my eyes and melded me into the woman people perceive me today; Changed so much that those who don't know me speculated that I was cold enough not to own a beating heart. Back in those pure days, I was alive, breathing, living. I've never thought I'd step foot onto the gates of torture.

I smile, ironically as I realize. This was the world I live in. Not the ideal ones in books, but a cruel and unfair one. This was the reality in which I must accept (which I think I already have). I had learned that the past only served to ruin the future if held on for too long, and so I must learn to let go. Many nights I ask myself the reason for this path that I tread –the way that pulls the trigger and ends life. My mind reasoned it was for the future. My spirit said it was for atonement.

My soul whispered it was for someone's life.

"Sir?"

I blink. The office was silent and its occupant did not stir, even as I entered the room. Laid back on his chair, his eyes closed shut and his breathing steady and smooth, it didn't take me a minute to conclude that my superior officer was asleep.

So you went through all that in Ishval and yet you chose this path.

Normally, I would immediately rouse him, to remind him of the paper works piled up at his table corner. Of course, punctuality and efficiency was my duty as his secretary too, especially now that we need to get going with our transfer to Central. Really, when it came to important matters that was when I would catch him doing something that I would rebuff him about. I sigh. This was the superior I followed.

But as I stand beside him and reach out, my eyes landed on his serene face and something within me stirred. I pull back my hand and decided against the norms.

Yes sir. I chose it myself and put my arms in the sleeves of this uniform of my own free will.

To be called a dog (or more specifically, a bitch) of the military; to hold a gun and pull the trigger; to watch people…no…enemies (I keep telling myself that they were enemies. They have to be. For the sake of clarity and for the sake of my already tainted sanity) die in front of you; to have innocent children hating you because of your onus - these were things that I embraced the moment I first stepped onto this office years ago.

Sir, a gun is good; it doesn't leave a feeling of a person dying in your hands.

As I hailed a salute, as I answered questions back then, the greatest thing I could remember was those piercing black eyes reading right through me. It was as if I saw myself perched on my "Hawk's Nest" once more, hands steady, eye on the scope, ready to fire…ready to pull…

That is deceit. So you plan on deceiving yourself like that and continue to soil your hands?

And it only steeled my resolve.

Yes. As alchemists say, if the truth of this world can be shown through equivalent exchange, so that the new generation that will be born can enjoy happiness, to pay the cost, we will have to shoulder corpses and cross a river of blood.

Alchemy: the first thing that had touched my innocence – and the last thing I want to remember. And yet, ironically, I used it as a foundation of my decision. How playful can this life be?

I want you to protect my back. You can shoot me from behind anytime. If I step off the path, shoot and kill me with those hands. You are qualified to do that.

Many years ago, I could remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, this man was the solution to the dreams that I long have been treasuring. To see him work his strength off to studying; to hear him speak of all his ideals; to watch as he turned his back on his past, and move on with that distinguished blue uniform...words could not accurately describe just how his devotion had caught me. Even more so when he was willing to die by my hands in case he forgot his core.

Full of confidence…hope…resolve and certainty – here was a man who I could trust. No, it was not that I don't trust him any less due to our past experiences, but this time, here was someone in whose hands I can entrust my dreams – the future of the people, and the next generation. This was a muddy river, but a good river to cross nonetheless. As long as it was with him

With him

And here, as I stand beside him, watching as he was deep in slumber, and as I contemplate on the past years that we have been together, I couldn't help but smile and be comforted because even if things didn't go exactly as we wanted to, even if circumstances threatened to take our epitomes (they still exist. Not as vivid as they were in our youth, but they still exist.), we were still here, fighting, carrying the burden, living, for the sake of the promises, spoken and not.

Will you follow me?

Understood. If that is your wish, then even to hell.

My mind reasoned it was for the future. My spirit said it was for atonement.

My soul whispered it was for someone's life.

His eyes twitched, eyebrows slightly furrowed. This pulled my soul back to reality. Still in slumber, the Colonel's countenance changed, as if recalling something not welcome to be summoned.

I knew him well enough to know what that was.

Here ends my musings. It was time to go back to the world where we live in, a cruel and unfair world where we strive to change with all that we are. Though as unsure as a hazy fog, I hoped that everything would come to a great ending as long as we believe. And with my resolve and devotion, I swore to my grave that I would be true to my equivalent exchange.

With a gentle voice I never knew I had, I woke him up.

"Colonel…colonel"

I watched as he opened his onyx eyes to the world.

Eyes with flames I would continue to sustain until the very end.

With this work done, I am off to bed. Three in the morning, and many work to finish this day, I seriously need some rest.

There goes for my third FMA fic! See you soon guys! =)

*bows in gratitude