Warnings: Cussing, violence, incest, utter crack.
Disclaimer: Fire Emblem does not belong to me.
Notes: So I don't know where this came from. I guess all that implied incest in Fire Emblem inspired me to write fic.
xoxox
It took eight minutes and 12 seconds of persuasion for Eirika to agree to enter the building. She stood outside, feet planted solidly, staring down at the ground as Ephraim pleaded with her in a low voice. He didn't want to go in any more than she did, but he knew there was no avoiding it. Consciously, she knew it too, but she couldn't help herself. She did not want to enter that building.
Finally, he managed to argue her into taking the first step through the door, and the rest was taken care of by a perky blue-haired girl sitting on one of the many black folding chairs inside.
"Hey!" Tana said. "Welcome to Incestaholics Anonymous!"
"Tana!" One of the leaders snapped. "For the last time, we are a court-mandated group counseling organization! We are not a support group!"
Tana stuck her tongue out at him.
Another one of the leaders spoke up, far more timidly. "Um. Cormag? Do you think you could get off your brother's lap? And maybe try to stop sucking on his tongue?"
Cormag ignored him.
"Cormag!" The first leader bellowed.
Cormag slid off Glen's lap, though grudgingly.
The third leader pasted on a fake smile. "Welcome. You must be Eirika and Ephraim. We've been waiting for you. I am Nergal, and these are Lyon and Zephiel." He gestured to the timid man and the angry one respectively.
"We were just going over our names. Why don't we start over?" Lyon suggested.
"Here are your nametags," Nergal said, passing Eirika and Ephraim blank stickers and a marker.
After sticking on their nametags, Eirika and Ephraim went to sit in the two remaining folding chairs in the circle as the blue-haired girl spoke. "Hiii! I'm Tana, and this is my brother Innes. He's my everything."
Lyon coughed.
"In a platonic way?" She tried.
Lyon nodded.
Innes set his hand high up on her thigh, just in case any of the other guys got ideas from her words. Lyon coughed again, and Innes ignored him as blatantly as Cormag had earlier. The leaders decided to let it go for the time being.
The next boy spoke up. "I'm Franz. This is my brother Forde. I don't really know why we're here. Is it really so wrong to pose naked for portraits by my brother?"
"Do you like doing it?" One of the other boys called.
Franz blushed.
"Gaaaay." The boy snickered.
"Zeiss, be quiet," Zephiel snapped.
"What? He's gay!" Zeiss said.
His sister elbowed him. "Shut up and stop drawing attention to yourself, alright?"
"Man, whatever." Zeiss said, tilting his chair back onto its back legs.
"Stop looking at her like that!" Raven snapped suddenly, glaring at a longhaired man three seats over.
Karel smirked. "I have no notion as to what you're referring."
"Raven, it's okay," Priscilla said soothingly.
"I said stop looking at her!" Raven growled.
"Karel…" Karla said warningly.
Karel put on an innocent face. "I'm not looking at her." Contrary to his words, his eyes never strayed from Priscilla's face. He licked his lips.
"I swear to fucking Christ, I will gouge your eyes out if you look at her for one more second." Raven said in an animal snarl, teeth bared.
There was a moment of silence.
"Okay, so we know why this guy's in therapy…" Zeiss commented.
"This is a waste of my time," grumbled Hector.
"He has a knife," Lloyd remarked casually to Linus.
Linus looked up, interested for the first time. "Wait, who?"
"Someone has a knife?" Klein gasped, leaning forward to protect his sister from harm.
"No one has a knife!" Nergal cried out, but it was too late for damage control.
"You never said this place would be dangerous!" Dart yelled. "I never would have brought my sister here if I had known."
Linus had a different concern. "No one told me we could bring knives! I would have brought mine."
"One of yours," Lloyd corrected. "We couldn't fit all of ours into our backpacks." He smiled reassuringly.
"What the fuck is going on?" Geitz muttered.
"Someone tell that psycho to stop threatening to gouge people's eyes out," Forde complained.
Raven hissed under his breath.
"To be fair, he only threatened once," Cormag pointed out. "It didn't indicate a trend."
"I will rip your fucking lungs out!" Raven snapped at Karel, who evidently had not stopped looking at Priscilla to the redhead's liking.
"Raven!" Priscilla scolded.
Nils inched away from Raven, who sat next to him. "Can I switch seats? I'm scared."
Ninian whimpered.
"Raven, stop threatening to hurt people." Nergal said wearily.
"He won't really hurt anyone," Priscilla assured them. "He's quite nice. Deep down."
"Deep, deep down," Hector said. "You'd have to go spelunking up his ass to find that gooey center inside."
"I'd like to go spelunking up his ass," Lloyd purred, eyeing Raven lustfully.
Linus growled, curling an arm around his brother to pull him in close.
Glen raised his hand. "Is this really helping?" He wondered aloud.
"Yes, I'm not sure what I'm getting out of this," Innes agreed.
"She's a tasty little morsel, isn't she," Karel said quietly, so only Raven and the two siblings between them could hear.
Raven snapped. "That's it," he growled, whipping a switchblade out of his pocket. It clicked open and he brandished it threateningly at Karel.
"Jesus, he actually does have a knife!" Hector said, jerking back.
Nils shrunk away, curling up in his sister's arms as far from Raven as he could get while remaining in his chair.
"I told them," Lloyd told Linus in a deadpan. "No one ever listens."
"I listen," Linus said.
"You're sweet," Lloyd said, and kissed him.
"Lloyd, get off your brother!" Zephiel shouted.
"Oh come on, that psycho is threatening the other psycho with a knife and you're calling him out for kissing?" Cormag protested.
Ninian cried quietly.
"To be fair, I probably wouldn't want to piss off the guy with the knife," Geese pointed out.
"I guess," Cormag said.
Zephiel got out of his chair and crossed the circle to take Raven's knife from him. "No knives in group counseling," he told Raven, who narrowed his eyes like a miffed cat, but said nothing.
"Is this always what Incestaholics Anonymous is like?" Ephraim asked Tana.
"Pretty much," she giggled.
"We're not a support group!" Nergal roared.
Clarine leaned forward, eyes wide with interest. "I like it here! It's like a living soap opera. Coming up next week at Incestaholics Anonymous – Who gets stabbed in the kidney? Which girl is already pregnant with her brother's baby? Will Cormag and Glen actually get to third base in the middle of the room?"
The three leaders whipped around to find that yes, Cormag was again on Glen's lap, trying to suck out his fillings from what little they could see. Their hands were in no visible places, though it was pretty damn obvious where Glen's fingers were clutching based on the lumps in Cormag's clothing.
"Cormag!" Zephiel bellowed again.
Cormag slid off, but his hand stayed up Glen's shirt. None of the leaders appeared to notice.
"It is pretty fun," Tana agreed.
"Other than the stabbing part," Vanessa inputted.
"He didn't stab anyone!" Priscilla cried.
Raven huffed. "Not by choice."
"I heard that, brother," Linus said, commiserating.
"We should hang out sometime," Lloyd suggested.
"Oh god," Hector said blankly. "There would be so much blood. Everywhere."
Lloyd frowned. "You think so little of us. We don't leave obvious clues like bloodstains."
"Now, see, I was kidding," Hector said. "But you've got me kind of freaked out."
"Aw, you could just have your brother buy you out of danger," Zeiss scoffed. "It's how he got out of coming today, right?"
"Hey, shut up." Hector scowled. "He was busy."
Syrene glared. "We're all busy. We all have lives. Some of us just aren't rich enough to purchase the rights to them."
Franz furrowed his brow. "What?"
"I don't even know if that was supposed to be an insult," Hector blinked.
"Yes, but it failed," Raven said absently. He didn't look away from glaring at Karel.
"This is dumb," Lleu spoke up for the first time. "Can we go?"
The other members of the group murmured their assent.
"No." Zephiel said firmly.
"Well…" Lyon said.
"Maybe." Nergal said.
Zephiel deflated. "Fine, fine. We'll call it a day. Just be here next week, everyone!" He glared at Hector. "And that includes your brother."
"Sure." Hector said. No one believed him.
"We didn't even get through introducing ourselves," Klein said dazedly. "I. That was."
"Fun!" Clarine chirped.
"Hi, I'm Tana," Tana said to Eirika. "We should be friends."
"Ok," Eirika said. She turned to Ephraim. "That was better than I thought it would be."
"Good," Ephraim said, smiling. He kissed her softly.
"Get off your sister!" Zephiel yelled.
Ephraim ignored him.