Ship: Harry/Draco
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or anything from the Harry Potter books. I just borrow and torture.
Warning: This is not meant for anyone who does not already ship H/D. In this story their relationship is already established. I am not trying to convince anyone.
This is a companion piece to Grave. You might want to read that one first.
Imperfect Goodbyes
Harry Potter decided he wanted to die. Simple as that. One night while talking his socks off Harry Potter decided he wanted to die. Nothing fantastic about it.
The night before Hermione had told him what must be done, the only way to win. She had been crying. Ron was fighting back tears, tearing the cloth in his already tattered robes.
"We'll try to find another way. There has to be another way. I'll do more research. We can stall." Hermione gulped out between sobs. Harry had nodded solemnly, hugged them both, and gone back to planning tomorrow.
After the initial shock, Harry wasn't surprised. He had expected something like this. On that night pulling the wool down off his foot, he realized it was never going to end; the pain, the loss, all the confusing emotions. None of it was ever going to end. The war being over wasn't going to stop all that. The only thing that would was death.
Then he froze, foot still poised mid-air, sock dangling off his big toe. When he though about death he wasn't scared. He even felt a small bit of yearning. He wanted it. He wouldn't kill himself, but now there was this opportunity. An opportunity to save his friends and be from it all at the same time. It was perfect.
Laying his foot down on the cold floor, he sighed. He thought about all this stress. After he killed Voldemort, they would just grow. How "the hero" should act, walk, talk, eat, blow his nose. He didn't want any of it.
He would hate to hurt Ron, Hermione, and everyone else. But, they could handle it. Somehow, he might even be able to convince himself it would be better for them. And Malfoy? Harry ran his fingers through his hair. He wasn't even quite sure how he felt about Malfoy. It was such a strong passion Harry had a hard time deciphering whether it was love or hate. He knew he would have to persuade himself that he would be able to easily leave Malfoy.
Harry researched. Harry researched what Hermione had said just to make sure it was true. When he found it true, Harry researched the spell. A week later, he was ready.
He lied to Ron and Hermione. He lied to Tonks and McGonagall. He said he thought he found another way. He didn't have to lie to Malfoy, because they couldn't talk to each other about the war. They both knew the other would tell their sides. It didn't matter how many times they shagged.
He wrote letters to his friends and the army, saying goodbye. He tried to write Malfoy a letter, but the words wouldn't come out. He couldn't do it. He loved him, what he needed was to tell him that.
The night before they got in a fight. This wasn't abnormal, but each word hurt Harry more. It wasn't supposed to go like this.
"Go save your stupid world. I don't care. Hero." Draco spat.
Harry said nothing for a while. He backed up to the table and pressed his knuckles into its dark wood to keep from crying. This time it wouldn't be okay. This time they wouldn't make up. Draco hovered a few feet away glaring. His index finger scratching the dark green sleeve of his black silk robe.
"I love you Malfoy. I love you."
Draco stood, eyes wide, almost looking afraid. He breathed hard. Then walked away.
Harry stomped out of the house crying. He wanted to die, but he didn't want it to end like this.
The next day came. He stood in front of Voldemort. He prepared himself. He had a few regrets, but he still wanted to die. And then he did.