disclosure
disclosure: (noun) the action of making new or secret information known
"You really don't want to tell them until we get home, Kate?" he asks for what must be the hundredth time and she rolls her eyes, leaning back against her pillow and tilting her head to the side as he paces back and forth in her hospital room. The nurses and doctors and patients who walk by her door would probably never guess that he's the one who's done this before and she's the new mom.
"Castle," she sighs again, this conversation being one they've had multiple times since yesterday afternoon, when Alexis had offhandedly mentioned Lanie and the boys and Castle had started freaking out about her going back to work and telling their friends and Gates. And when she told him she wanted to wait until they were home to tell them, well, the first version of this conversation began. "I'm going home in like two hours."
He turns to her, eyes wide with an almost comedic mixture of fear and uncertainty. "You know I think that's a bad idea, Kate. You had a baby two days ago. And it wasn't even planned. You were… You were in our bathtub," he rambles, much like he has multiple times today, "which means you could have an infection or something or he could have an infection. What if they missed something, Kate? Don't you think it's too early?"
"No, babe, I don't think it's too early. I feel perfectly fine, beyond a little cramping, which is normal after delivery. They have checked me over and over again. My bloodwork is perfect. My pulse and blood pressure are perfect. I'm fine," she tells him. She pushes herself up so she's sitting up straighter, reaches out to him, silently asking him to take her hand.
He does, his fingers tense with worry and she sighs, a need to calm him down washing over her when his eyes meet hers. "I just… It was so scary seeing you in that much pain, especially before we knew what was going on, but even after, Kate. I was so scared something would go wrong and I wouldn't be able to help because I have no medical training of any sort. I just… I'm still worried, okay?"
She smiles, squeezes his hand. "I know. And you're allowed to be worried. But we're fine, Castle. B.J. and I are both perfectly fine. The doctors all made sure of it, okay? And today, we get to go home with our little boy. Be happy about it," she stells him, keeping her voice low as her free hand reaches up to cradle his jaw. "Plus," she whispers, "I really want to get out of this hospital gown and back into normal clothes."
He laughs softly, and the sound brings a smile to her face. "I don't know, Kate. I think you rock the hospital gown," he tells her, his previous frown morphing into a teasing grin, bringing her husband back. She can't help but grin back at him. "Especially when you get up to go to the bathroom, such a great view." He reaches out and pinches her side gently, teasingly, but not hard enough to make her jump.
She simply slaps him playfully in the chest. "Castle," she warns halfheartedly, leaning forward, towards him, "you know I can't do anything like that until at least six weeks from now. That's what the doctor said," she reminds him. His hand cradles the base of her ribcage, drifts up her side. She catches his fingers in hers before he can too far, squeezes his fingers before letting his hand fall back to the bed. "Besides, I just had your baby, you should be focussing on that instead of on my ass."
He opens his mouth to say something, but they're interrupted by the clearing of a throat. She turns towards the door to find a young, kind looking nurse standing there. She has an amused smile on her face and their baby boy in her arms. Instantly, she finds herself leaning back against the bed, smiling sweetly like she was not just talking about her ass. Her arms ache for her baby boy, for B.J., just at the sight of him.
"Hello," says the nurse sweetly, taking a couple steps into the room. "You're little man will be officially discharged from the nursery as soon as you sign the paperwork the doctor will bring in soon," she announces, a smile playing at her lips. "He's still asleep, has been since you last changed him. Perfectly healthy, happy little boy," she continues, taking another few steps into the room. Slowly, the nurse sets Brandon in her arms, and she relishes in the warm weight of her baby. "Congratulations," whispers the nurse. "And both his doctor and yours should be here with your official discharge papers in a few minutes."
She nods in acceptance, reaches out to grab Castle's hand before he starts quizzing the kind nurse on why they're being released now and not in a few hours. He stays sitting next to her, and even though she can tell he's not focused on her, she's glad he's quiet, that he lets the nurse go without his worry-filled interrogation. She runs her thumb across his over and over again, trying to keep him calm.
Once the nurse is out of sight, she feels his eyes back on her, and then on their son. Brandon is wearing one of the many onesies Alexis bought him during her shopping trip yesterday. This one is white with a blue elephant printed on the front of it. She gave it to them with a sky blue stuffed elephant that's like twice Brandon's size. She had said it was for the future nursery, the one they would all put together for B.J. at some undetermined point in the future. He wore it last night.
She turns to Castle, a smile playing at her lips. "Can you get me the outfit out of the diaper bag?" she asks, pointing to the bag her overly-organized stepdaughter put together for them yesterday, with a little help from the internet. He smiles and nods, reaching over for the bag as she looks back down at B.J. "You hear that, baby boy?" she whispers to Brandon. "We're going home."
Castle sits back down in his seat, setting the tinie outfit on the edge of the bed. Alexis, thanks to her father's credit card, had gone all out when shopping for her baby brother, coming home with enough clothes to last Brandon the first few months of his life. She had told them that they needed a special outfit to bring him home in, and from the giant pile of clothing, she chose this.
It's a white onesie with short sleeves and snaps at the crotch to ease the process of changing his diaper. Down the front, there's a light blue, polkadotted tie printed onto the material, a dark brown line sewn around it. She paired it with a pair of legging-like pants, the light blue and brown stripes matching the tie on the onesie. There's a pair of tiny socks to keep his little feet warm and a light blue cap, much like the one he wore as soon as they got to the hospital.
She smile, lays a still sleeping Brandon down on the bed in front of her, and delicately begins to undo the buttons of his onesie, careful not to wake him.
They insist on wheeling her out of the hospital. He watches her protest until she eventually relents, more dead set on going home than on walking out of the hospital. He also watches as one of the nurses helps her carefully strap Brandon into his baby carrier, adjusting the straps so the clips sit at the right spots on his small body, to keep him as safe as possible. He rocks Brandon in the baby carrier as he waits while she gets changed into a pair of yoga pants and a loose t-shirt that used to be his.
She takes a seat in the wheelchair and he rests the baby carrier on her thighs, placing a small, folded up blanket between the hard plastic and her thighs to make her more comfortable. They take the elevator down to the first floor. Kate rocks the baby carrier on her lap, her fingers plucking at the corner of the blanket they folded over Brandon's thighs, like she's scared something's out of place. He squeezes her shoulder gently.
The nurse offers to wait with Kate while he goes and brings the car to the door. He goes to agree when Kate stands up and insists that she walk, rambling about how women have been giving birth and going to work out in the field the next day and the least she can do is walk to the car herself. He tells the nurse that there's no point arguing with his wife, especially when it comes to her independance. The nurse laughs as Kate glares at him.
He carries the baby carrier in one hand. He drapes his other arm across her lower back. She's tense as she walks, not overly so, but he can tell she's still sore. She ends up climbing into the backseat of the car, saying something about how that's what all mothers seem to do when they bring their baby home. They sit with the baby. So he helps her into the seat, watches her shift until she's comfortable, and then takes her glare as the message it is and walks around the car to the other side.
Jim and Alexis had helped him get the car seat base into place, even though he insisted he could do it on his own, reminding them both that he had done this before. Alexis had just laughed at him, and then she had sat in the passenger seat of the car and read the instructions to him and Jim as they twisted and turned and clipped and tightened and adjusted until the base was securely in place, ready to keep Brandon safe during his first car ride.
Today, he manages to clip the actual seat into place rather easily, listening to Kate's comments about how she expected it to take him longer, considering what Alexis told her. He laughs sarcastically before adjusting Brandon's blanket one last time before closing the door and climbing into the driver's seat. Brandon is still asleep, Kate tired, so the ride back to the loft is mostly silent. He likes it that way, relishes in it because he knows that silence isn't something they'll have very often, not now, not with a baby.
He carries the car seat back into his building, holds Brandon between himself and Kate. Her fingers lock around the carrier's handle, too, and they carry their baby into the building together. The doorman's eyes go wide when they walk in, though Kate doesn't seem to notice. It's a different young man than the one that was working the other day, so, of course, he doesn't know about Brandon yet. He just smiles at the young man before following Kate's lead all the way to the elevator.
She rests her head on his shoulder as they wait for the elevator to reach their floor, B.J. still asleep between them. Her hand releases the car seat's handle, fingers wrapping around his arm. With his free hand, he reaches up to cradle the side of her head, brushes his fingers through her hair, which is pulled back into a low ponytail. She sighs against him, and he turns slightly, just enough to see her eyes drift closed.
The elevator doors open and he leads her to their door. She opens it and he follows her into the loft. His mother and Alexis are already waiting, sitting in the kitchen like it's any other day, but it's not. He leads Kate over to the couch, sets Brandon down on the table in front of her. She reaches for her baby, so he carefully undoes the clasps of the car seat's belts, gently lifts Brandon from the seat and rests him on Kate's chest.
She nuzzles her nose against Brandon's head. "Welcome home, baby," she whispers, and, as he watches them, it suddenly feels like this was all planned and anticipated and, even though he knows it wasn't, he knows one thing for certain. This is perfect.
She needs to wash off. Her hair is a greasy mess, for starters, and the rest of her feels...dirty from the days spent in the hospital. And she tells Castle so, eyes half open as she squeezes his fingers, her other hand splayed across B.J.'s back. He offers to run her a bath, checking with Alexis to make sure they're tub has been cleaned since she gave birth in it, and despite her protests, he disappears into their bedroom only a minute later.
Brandon is still asleep, laying on her check. His lips are wet, his tongue poking out against her neck as he sleeps. She holds the blanket between her palm and his back, smooths it down over his bottom, gently rubs circles onto his back. He's warm, comfortably so, a happy weight against her chest. Not like the metaphorical weight she felt after being shot, the one that made it hard to breathe. No, this weight is real, and it's incredible, it makes it easier to breathe, has her entire being consumed by love like she's never known.
He's going to wake up soon. She knows that much. It's definitely been almost two hours since he was last fed, which means he'll be hungry again soon, likely within the next thirty minutes. It's one of the reasons she was hesitant about taking a bath, but then Castle had assured her that she could breastfeed in the tub, so long as it wasn't a bubble bath or something overly soapy. He had also told her it would soothe her still sore muscles, but that was just an added bonus.
Once the bath is run, Castle comes back into the living room. He slowly helps her off the couch, his hand landing on her waist as they walk to the bathroom. Martha and Alexis have been mostly silent since they got home, surprising her by not making a huge fuss about all this. She's kind of glad, though, knowing that she still has to tell her team, her best friend and her boss. And as he takes Brandon off her chest, settles their baby boy against his own, and then supports her as she climbs into the tub, it dawns on her that they have someone else to tell, too.
"You have to call Paula," she tells him once she's settled in the tub, water drifting over the sore muscles of her stomach. It's gentle, soothing, just like he predicted. For a minute, she wonders if giving birth would have been even more painful had she been in the bed instead of the tub, or anywhere but in the tub, for that matter. And then she forces her eyes open to meet his. "We have to...announce this before somebody on the street does it for us. I want this to be done our way, Castle. I want this to be done right."
He nods slowly, carefully. "Okay. Do you want to call her now? Before we tell the boys and Lanie and Gates?" he asks. His one hand holds Brandon against his chest, the other reaching out to curve around the edge of the tub. She rests her fingers over his. "We can get a tiny article published in tomorrow's paper. No new pictures, no quotes nothing. Just a tiny little statement saying we had a baby."
She nods, about to form her reply when Castle's hand flies from the edge of the tub, rests on Brandon's bottom as the baby begins to squirm in his arms. His high pitched cry pierces the calm bathroom air. She's about to panic when she sees Castle calmly tilt B.J. backwards. Brandon is small enough to rest on Castle's arm, and, carefully, Castle withdraws his one arm from beneath their baby, carefully brushes Brandon's bottom lip with his fingertip. The baby calms down almost instantly, lips closing around Castle's finger, sucking until he eventually realizes that he's actually not being fed.
Castle turns to her with a smile. "Definitely hungry," he says softly. "You up for feeding him in there? I tried to keep the water shallow enough. He shouldn't get too wet. We'll leave him in his diaper, just in case, but you should try to keep that dry, okay?" he suggests. She nods slowly, repeating what he's said to herself. Naked baby. Keep diaper dry. "You can feed him then we'll call Paula. Does that sound good?"
"You can call her while he's eating," she tells him as he sits down on the floor and begins undressing Brandon on the bathroom rug. He looks up at her with wide, shocked eyes. "What? It's normal to breastfeed. Women have been doing it for centuries. And it's not like Paula will know, anyway, if that's what makes you uncomfortable," she tells him, propping herself up on the edge of the tub to watch as he strips Brandon out of his onesie and socks and hat, leaving their boy in just his diaper.
He cradles their tiny baby in his hands, the splay of his fingers dwarfing Brandon, making him look so tiny and delicate. The smile on Castle's face is wide and proud, makes her smile, too. "I'm not uncomfortable, Kate. It's just… Meredith didn't breastfeed, said it was gross to have a baby sucking on her nipple. And I just…" He lets out a soft sigh. "You didn't even know you were pregnant, Kate, and you're already such a great mom. It amazes me."
A soft "Oh," escapes her before she can stop it, and she sinks back into the tub in relief. Castle smiles at her, holds Brandon up, offering their still crying son to her. She holds her arms out, gently takes Brandon into her arms, her fingers supporting his head. Carefully, one arm draped across his back, the other supporting his diaper-clad bottom, she brings him to her chest.
Sure enough, the water is shallow enough, so it keeps Brandon dry. Only the tips of his toes brush the water, but her baby boy doesn't care, because he's focused intently on his meal, eyes wide open, clouded in that way newborns' eyes always are. His tiny hand rests against the curve of her breast, his lips closed around her nipple as he eats greedily. She loves the sight, loves knowing that he's getting something only she can give him, something he so desperately needs. She loves knowing she's a mom, his mom.
Next to her, she hears Castle talking on the phone, trying to get two words in during his introductions with Paula. She smiles at his fumbling, looks down at Brandon and starts cooing at her son about how crazy Paula makes his daddy. The baby is oblivious, but it makes Castle smile. He reaches into the tub to gently run his fingers along the sole of Brandon's foot. The baby twitches in reaction, and then keeps eating silently.
Eventually, Brandon has to be switched from one breast to the other. Her hand on his bottom, she pulls him off one breast and flips him so his face hover in front of the other. He latches on immediately, and as soon as he does, he starts eating greedily all over again. She smiles, turns to Castle to see him smiling, too, having given up on stopping Paula's rant. Soon enough, though, he's pulling his phone away from his ear and is resting it on the edge of the tub, tapping the screen to put it on speakerphone.
"Rick, I swear, you have to tell me what's going on, why you're acting so weird," says Paula before falling silent for a second. "Did you put me on speakerphone? Why am I on speakerphone? Rick? Is Kate there, too?" she continues, her voice an equally annoyed and annoying interruption to the bliss that surrounded her small family. She winces, swallowing back a chuckle as Castle rolls his eyes exaggeratedly.
"Yes, Paula, Kate's here, too," he says calmly. "We actually have a favor to ask, and before you can start giving me crap for calling out of the blue wanting a favor, just listen," he tells her, waiting a second to get Paula's reluctant approval. "There's been a new...development in our relationship, and we need you to announce it all the while keeping it as minimal as possible."
"Sure, Rick, just let me know what it is, and we'll find a way to do this that suits you and Kate," says Paula, and she has suddenly shifted from annoyed and giving Castle crap to calm and professional. "What is it? Is she pregnant?" she asks.
"Actually, we already had the baby," he says softly, wincing as Paula responds with incomprehensible, high pitched protests. "Paula," he tries, but she doesn't let him get another word in. "Paula!" It startles Brandon, making him jump and wail and she sighs as Castle begins to mumble apologies over and over again. But it's actually the crying that gets Paula's attention.
"You actually had a baby?" asks his publicist. Castle smiles and fills Paula in on the situation as she gently coaxes Brandon back to her breast.
Kate ends up making the final decision, while he sits next to her, on the closed toilet seat, listening as his wife makes the decision. Brandon stays in the tub with her even after he's done eating, as she burps him and snuggles him until he eventually, inevitably, needs a diaper change. He ends up changing Brandon's diaper on the bathroom floor, glad that their son is the kind of baby who doesn't mind having his diaper changed.
Kate tells Paula to print a small article on page six. They can use the pictures they set in when the papers announced their wedding, according to Kate, but there will be no pictures of Brandon. She also tells Paula that there can be no mention of her not knowing about the pregnancy, that they have to find some plausible lie that won't make her sound like a horrible detective and mother. He of course, told her that there was no way people would think that she's a bad detective, especially after the very public arrest of Senator Bracken. And that it doesn't matter what strangers think of her parenting skills, he knows she's already an amazing mother to their son.
Still, Kate wanted to keep the story behind Brandon's birth secret, at least for now. So Paula agreed, telling them she would contact the post and get a small, vague article printed, just to announce Brandon's birth without any sort of of details. Even his middle name would be a kept a secret for now, as per Kate's request. So Paula hung up with the promise of a short article that would most definitely be to Kate's satisfaction.
Shortly after his diaper change, Brandon falls asleep in his arms. Kate is washing her hair, quickly rubbing herself down with body wash, as though suddenly infused with new energy. He smoothes Brandon's blanket down over the rug on the floor, lays their baby boy down on it. He carefully slips Brandon into his onesie, pulls the small pants up over Brandon's legs, slips the socks onto his feet. As Kate rinses the shampoo out of her hair, he swaddles Brandon in the small blanket.
He lifts Brandon up off the floor, cradles his son against his chest. Kate climbs out of the bathtub, popping the drain with the tips of her toes. She wraps herself in a towel, presses a kiss to the very top of Brandon's head before walking into their bedroom to get dressed. She changes into a new pair of yoga pants and a black tanktop, and as he walks by, she lifts Brandon from his arms, holding her son for herself. He smiles.
"We have to call them, invite them over," she tells him, walking in front of him until she reaches the couch. She sits down, leans back against the cushions, settles Brandon against her chest. "I don't want to tell them over the phone. They would probably come right over, anyway. Lanie definitely would. I can tells Gates over the phone, though. I don't think she's as...emotionally invested."
He smiles, takes a seat next to her. "Okay. Whatever you want, Kate," he tells her, reaching over to squeeze his thigh. He runs his hand along the top of Brandon's head, sees Kate shift slightly in her seat. "We can put him in the crib, you know. They get heavy after a while. He'll be okay," he whispers to her. "You saw the crib in the bedroom, right? Do you like it there? Alexis got one to match our bedroom. I told her to set it up there, until we can make a proper nursery for him. Besides, you'll want him close, trust me."
She smiles. "It's nice," she whispers, "the crib, I mean. It looks good there. I think he'll be comfortable. And it'll be easy enough to get to him when he wakes up in the night." She looks back down at Brandon. "I sound like I know what I'm doing. I mean, I did some research at the hospital, but I just…" She lets out a sigh and looks back up at him. "I never thought I'd be this kind of mom, you know. I didn't think I'd love it this much in such a short amount of time." She smiles down at the baby. "It's like he's magic or something."
"Like lightning," he whispers and she nods, accepting his comparison. "Trust me, Kate, I know. I told you before, about Alexis, about how you love them instantly, so much, Kate. It's like… I can't even describe it." He feels himself smile, leans over to press a kiss to the crown of her head. "And now you get it, Kate. It's amazing, isn't it?" he whispers.
She looks up at him, smiling, tears gleaming in her eyes. He chuckles softly as he wipes them away with the pad of his thumb. She chuckles, too. "God, I feel so...emotional," she chuckles. "The doctor said I would be hormonal, right? This is normal?" It's a question rather than a statement and he laughs as she nods, as though answering her own question. He nods with her.
"You just had a surprise baby, Kate, I think you have earned to right to have your emotions a little out of check," he tells her. He brings his hand up to cradle the back of Brandon's head, leans over and presses another kiss to the top of her head. "You wanna put him in his crib now?"
"Want to?" she asks. "No. But my arms are getting tired, so it might be better, and I'm about to have a really serious conversation with my boss, so yeah." She looks down at Brandon then back up at him. "Can you grab him, though. If I bring him, I won't be able to put him down." Her smile is shy, sheepish, and he smiles back, nodding his head and gently, slowly taken Brandon from her arms.
When he returns to the living room, her phone is pressed against her ear and she's silent, like she's waiting for Gates to pick up. When she does, he watches, listens as she greets her boss.
"Hello, Sir," she yes. He takes a seat next to her, rests a hand on her knee in attempt to be supportive as she winces slightly. "Actually, Sir, I was never sick."