A/N: This story is based off justloveron's challenge; "Hidden Love". She also supplied me with the quote, "You love someone not because you want them to love you too, but rather, you love them simply because you found no reason not to." I was so happy to find it; I've been dying for an excuse to write a slash fic for a long time. I hope you like it!
Disclaimer: The characters belong to JKR. The quote "You love someone not because you want them to love you too, but rather, you love them simply because you found no reason not to." is from the genius justloveron, by whom this challenge was created.
No Reason Not To
He was so handsome…I couldn't stop staring at him. We, that is to say, the Marauders, were supposed to be working on our homework. We were in the library where sat Lily and Snape near our table. A very uncomfortable…thank goodness James hadn't noticed yet. The other Marauders were studying, but I was transfixed. How was I supposed to concentrate with the boy I loved sitting next to me…so close that our thighs brushed whenever he shifted positions.
As I continued to look at him, I saw Prongs scowl when his head jerked up just in time to see Snape give Lily's thigh a squeeze. She'd grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in for a sweet kiss. I could tell by watching (yes, I had peeled my eyes away from him for a couple seconds, much to my distaste) that this hadn't been their first kiss. James was in a sour mood the rest of the day. I cared not, however, as my attention shifted back to him.
He finally realized that I'd been staring him for a while, so he spoke in his sexy, gruff voice that I would recognize anywhere. "Sirius, do you need help?"
I wanted so badly to answer "Yes, will you help me learn to snog correctly?" but I knew that I couldn't. He could never know…none of them could ever know. Instead of my snogging question, I just replied, "Yeah, sorry I was staring, mate. I was just thinking about how to answer this question…" I trailed off and pointed at the question I was 'stuck' on. He took my quill and wrote the answer down for me. He then explained how it worked; why it made sense.
I just nodded and pretended to listen. I was much too interested in the way his lips moved when he spoke. Were they moving sensually, or was that just my imagination? I blinked hard and looked again; yep…just my imagination. It was obvious that he would never want to be with…well, another man; I knew for a fact that he wasn't a bloody queer like me… I had never thought I was one, though, until our friendship started to develop. Whenever he'd give me a high-five or a pat on the back, my insides would do back flips. At first, I tried to think that this was natural; he was one of my best friends. But when I realized that I never felt that way with the other two, I knew that it had to be because I had feelings for him. I was disgusted with myself…and yet I just couldn't get him out of my head.
He was always so depressed; he never spoke about it, but the three other Marauders (me included) knew that it was because of his problems. The first being obvious, the second being that he desperately wanted somebody, a girl of course (and unfortunately), to love him. The lot of the Hogwarts girls (besides Lily, of course) thought that he was disgusting; I'd always wondered how the hell they could think anything like that. He was too good for any of them anyway…nobody deserved somebody as perfect as him. Nobody but me. Actually, he deserved so much better than me, I hate to say it. He was so…pure. And kind and sweet and loving. It was hard for me to imagine somebody who'd been so mistreated their whole life to still be so nice. Neither James nor I were the least bit nice, and we'd been over nourished. He had always been so neglected by the world… and he could still have compassion and love. He amazed me.
"You love someone not because you want them to love you too, but rather, you love them simply because you found no reason not to." I read that in a book once, (and to answer your next question; yes I have read a book,), it's absolutely the way I feel about him. I know that he'll never love me back, not ever. I tried to ignore loving him…I tried to make myself forget by hooking up with a countless number of girls…nothing worked. My thoughts always returned to him, no matter what. Even when I was snogging my classmates, I imagined that I was kissing him…not which ever slut that I was with at the time.
I tried to make a fucking list of the reasons to stop loving him…I didn't have any to write. Just like it says in the quote…I had no reason not to love him. He wasn't like the other people I knew; he was somehow different.
One day, I found him sitting outside by the lake, delicately stroking the giant squid. His hands were so powerful looking, everything about him was. But at the same time, he was so gentle… As I drew nearer, I saw that his face was, once again, sad and sullen. I wanted to do something to help him…I would do anything for him. I just wish that he could know that.
"Hey, Moony…what's wrong?" I didn't even have to try to sound concerned…I just was.
"I don't know…" he sniffled. "It's—it's horrible, isn't it? Having to run around with a werewolf as your friend, you all must h-hate me. People resent you for it…I just know it. I feel so…so bad sometimes; I'm such an inconvenience to you all." WHAT? He did not just say that, did he? He knew that we didn't feel that way, we all loved that Remus was our best friend. He had to know that. I needed to say something…I had to try to make him feel somewhat better.
"Moony you know that we don't think that. Don't you think that if we were going to have ditched you, we would've done so before seventh year? I--we all love you, Remus." I'd almost let it slip out. I would need to stop pulling dumb shit like that, he might catch on.
"I know, Sirius…it's just hard to imagine that there's actually somebody out there who'll accept me for who I am. I only have four friends as it is…no girl in their right mind would ever consider anybody like me." Ugg… 'No girl" he'd said. See, he wasn't interested in me. But still, from what he'd said, I'd gathered thathe had to be out of his mind. He was empathetic, brilliant, and gorgeous…how could anybody not fall in love with him?
"Trust me, Remus…there's somebody out there." I couldn't resist it anymore. He was looking so sad; tears were forming behind his lids. "Remus…look into my eyes." He did as I told him to, turning to face me. I reached out and touched his soft skin with my hand. I brought up the other hand until I was holding his face. And he was letting me. My body was moving on its own…I had nothing to do with what was going on...Especially when I kissed him.
A/N: I'm doing a sequel to this; I don't care if people want one or not. It was, in the challenge; prohibited to let the Sirius, in this case, tell the Remus that he was in love with him. It wasn't, however, against the rules to have him kiss Remus at the end and then do a sequel, explaining what happened. So I'm writing a sequel, stay tuned! And for anybody wondering, yes I did need to add that little hint of Snape/Lily. Why, you ask? If you know me, then you don't ask. Bugger off ;D By the way...the sequel will be out Friday and will be called "There Goes My Life" if you're interested. Thanks for reading, please review!