So I Spent the Day with an Ax Murderer
Yet Another Lovely Fanfiction by KidKourage
I'm Smiling Already…Alrighty, then. I know that I am doing something very controversial by posting this story here. This is because, as you may already know from the summary I gave back in Behind the Scenes, it really doesn't focus on an Invader Zim character. Instead, it focuses on your friend and mine, the infamous homicidal maniac Johnny C (he's so sweet…). However, a few Zim characters do come onto the scene, through phone calls and such, so the story is not entirely devoid of what this area of ff.net is meant to contain. And also, to put it very bluntly, all of my other stories are posted here, and some people who like them might miss this if I put it in the 'Jhonen Vasquez' section, while those people out there who only frequent the Jhonen section and never visit IZ wouldn't know what the beep is going on--not to mention who in the world KidK is--and may become confused and angry because they have not read the stories leading up to this one. So please don't report me to the authorities. I have committed this crime only for you, my readers, whom I love. Based partially on a really awesome dream I had while still at skool! I see you envy my Xyron sticker-making machine! And I don't blame you! I am feeling very literary today, as is evidenced by the following setup. Consider yourself warned. Oh, and remember: I own nothing except KidK and Diane—because I am a simple teenager and not a genius like Jhonen—and Diane is absolutely not a real person.
The scene is a very cold Tuesday in November, the month when the temperature in New Jersey finally decided it was going to be normal for the time of year. Needless to say, KidK is extremely well bundled-up as she makes the long walk back to her residence hall from her Topics in Math class. Normally, she just enters through the back door, which is closer, but on this day something makes her go around to the front. Well, they do say that Fate plays games with the lives of men. However, Chance and Luck probably had something to do with this game, too (though Destiny had to take a rain check because she was busy toying with someone named Tenchi). Those silly gods are always messing around with someone or something, aren't they? Or, as in this case and many others, two someones. KidK isn't anticipating any visitors today, but wherever the person she's about to be visited by is concerned, one must learn to expect the unexpected…or prepare to be surprised.
KidK (under her breath, singsong): Doom doom doom doom doom doom dooooom…stupid key card, where'd you go? Now we slide you through the sensor and now we can be warm! Hmmm, Gir would've loved that…I wish he was here…
'Nny (suddenly behind her): Will I do, instead?
KidK (turning around fast): Yikes! Oh, Johnny, it's just you………Johnny?! But…how did you get here?
'Nny (pointing toward the parking lot): In my car?
KidK: No, no, I mean, how did you know where I live?
'Nny: Gir told me. Though his directions really left something to be desired…is it just me, or does this conversation seem familiar somehow?
KidK: I'm getting that kind of déjà vu feeling myself…though in any case, it's really good to see you! I don't think we've seen each other since--
'Nny: --the comic book convention in October. You're very hard to get hold of these days, you know. I mean, you're gone all week and on the weekends I don't want to interrupt your sleep--you just look so peaceful that I can't bear to ruin it for you.
KidK: Oh, well, next time won't you please? I'm prone to really horrible nightmares, and would honestly rather be awake than asleep half the time.
'Nny: No problem. However, in the mean time, I…(he looks down shyly)
KidK (prompting): You what?
'Nny: I don't know…I was just sitting around at home this morning, after a particularly bad experience having breakfast at Wendy's--idiots, hoarding their condiments--and I suddenly had this feeling that something good was going to happen today. It was strange; usually I just feel an overwhelming dread of having to go through another day of being alone. But then I realized--I always feel good when I'm about to see you. You know, like people write in greeting cards--'looking forward to seeing you again.' And so I decided to drive up here, and here I am.
KidK: …………………..
'Nny: What? Have I said something wrong? I'm scaring you, aren't I?
KidK: No, no…that's just so…sweet of you to say… Oh, man, it is cold out here! How can you not be wearing a coat, 'Nny-kun? You've gotta be freezing!
'Nny: Actually, I'm quite…qui--*achoo!*--quite comfortable.
KidK: Yeah, sure. You come in here with me and I'll get you coat.
'Nny (somewhat suspiciously): Are you inviting me up to your bedroom?
KidK: Bedroom, living room, sometimes dining room...just your average college dorm room. Now hurry before you get sick. (she leads him inside and they start climbing the stairs) Oh, and speaking of sick, you'll have to meet Diane--she should be back from class by now.
'Nny: What do you mean, 'have' to meet her?
KidK: Well, let's just say that she's probably not someone you'd look forward to seeing again.
'Nny: Oh dear…I hope this doesn't lead to any…unpleasantness.
KidK: OK, we're here. Just one warning: she's probably going to say something like--
Diane (throwing open the door): Oh, KidK! I heard voices out here and I thought I heard a guy! (trying to sound conspiratorial) Is this your secret boyfriend you've been hiding from me?
KidK: *sigh* No, Diane, this is my good friend Johnny. Diane, Johnny. Johnny, Di--why have you got your eyes shut and your hands over your ears, 'Nny?
'Nny: I'm trying desperately not to see or hear this person. Must…resist…urge to…jam wooden ruler down her throat…
Diane (a mile a minute): Oh, you're so silly! Oooo, what a wacky hairstyle! Your boots are funny--don't they hurt your feet? Are you gothic or something?
'Nny (eye twitch): Did you say…'wacky?' And did you just call me 'gothic?' Missy, you wouldn't happen to have a baseball bat lying around in here, would you?
Diane (oblivious as always): Oh, you call her Missy? I found out from her little green friend that her nickname's KidK! That's so cute that you have your very own name for her…are you sure you're not her--
KidK: Goodbye, Diane!
She quickly pushes Johnny out of the room and slams the door. She shrugs off her trenchcoat and puts on a shorter black winter coat. Then she holds out one of her most treasured possessions to her friend.
KidK: Here, you can have my trench, on account of I don't think this one's long enough for you.
'Nny: Wow, neat! This is a really nice coat--are you sure I can wear it?
KidK: Why not? If you don't mind that it's a girl's coat, I don't mind you borrowing it. Anyway, it looks good on you. Now let's go get us some lunch…today I think it's a better idea to eat at the dining hall than here in my room. Come on. (they begin walking out of the dorm)
'Nny: I feel very sorry for you, having to live with someone as boringly average as that Diane girl.
KidK: Yeah, it's a whole lot different than living with Zim and Gir, I can tell you that! They're anything but average!
'Nny: Indeed. I assume that this dining hall will be full of more students like Diane?
KidK: Yeah, but not completely full. There's always at least one corner they haven't infested yet. This way. (now they're outside again)
'Nny: What a difference a coat makes…I like the cold, but it's probably not a good thing when you can't feel your fingers anymore.
KidK: Yeah, you need those fingers to draw! Well, here we are at the lovely neighborhood dining hall. Mmm…now this is nice and warm. Hello, Miz Cashier Lady. Can you please put a guest meal on my card too?
Cashier Lady (bored): Mmmhmm…sure…hey, you got anythin' in that trenchcoat, young man?
'Nny (raising an eyebrow): You mean besides myself?
Cashier Lady: Don't you get smart with me! We gotta be real careful nowadays what with the terrorist threat an' all, so I's just got ta make sure you ain't got some kind of a bomb hidden in your coat.
'Nny: No, I don't.
Cashier Lady: Oh, good.
'Nny: The bomb's in my backpack.
Cashier Lady: Whaaaat?! Now you hold it right there, mister!
KidK: He's kidding, ma'am. Isn't that right, Johnny?
'Nny: But of course. Where would we be without humor, right?
Cashier Lady (warily): All right…but if this place goes up in flames, I'm gonna know who was behind it.
'Nny: Tell me, have you seen this girl before?
Cashier Lady: Yeah, she usually comes in for lunch on Tuesdays and stays until closing time doin' homework.
'Nny: And doesn't she usually wear this very same trenchcoat?
Cashier Lady: Yes. I've always wondered about that. Why you wearin' somethin' like that, chile?
'Nny: But you've never suspected her of being some kind of evil mad bomber, have you?
Cashier Lady: Ummmm, no. Don't think so.
'Nny: Ah, yes, I thought as much. Just checking. Sorry to have taken up your time. (the two walk away, leaving the cashier baffled)
KidK: And now it's time for everyone's favorite activity--waiting in line for bad food. (with a pointed lack of feeling) Oh, look. Today is chicken fingers day. Again.
'Nny: Is this stuff supposed to be cheese?
KidK: I think it may have been milk-related in a past life, yes.
'Nny: I think I shall be sticking with salad.
KidK: And brainfreezy. You can't forget about the brainfreezy.
'Nny: Brainfreezy? They have such a thing here at this otherwise totally horrendous place?
KidK: Why, yes. It's right over here. Yay, Cherry this week! And French Vanilla! Your weird feeling was right, 'Nny-kun--today is a good day! Oh, wait…oh, my god, no! Don't tell me the darned thing is out of ice already! (note: this has happened to me an inordinate amount of times)
'Nny: What makes you say that?
KidK: See, they put clamps on the pull levers. Oh, well, no 'freezy for us this day…
'Nny: Wait a second. This happened to me once at the 7-11. I'll handle it.
Much to KidK's surprise, her friend climbs up on the counter next to the brainfreezy machine so he can easily reach the top of the contraption. 'Nny next unzips his backpack and pulls out a screwdriver, and then uses it to unscrew the fastenings keeping the lid of the machine on.
'Nny: Here, can you hand me two cups? You want Cherry, right?
KidK: …..yes…….
He takes the plastic cups from her and sticks them deep into the top of the machine, scooping out two lovely Cherry brainfreezys. Then he leaps off the counter, grabs two straws, and carefully places one of the drinks on KidK's tray.
'Nny: See? They lied. There's always leftover 'freezy in these things. Hey, what's with the staring? That was nothing amazing, just a quick screwdriver job.
KidK (regaining speech): No…what was amazing…was that you didn't put your tray down first….
'Nny (looking down at the perfectly balanced tray in his hand): Oh.
After laughing hysterically for an extended period of time and scaring the daylights out of everyone around them, KidK and 'Nny find a table in the far reaches of the dining hall and sit down opposite each other to eat.
'Nny: Ahhhh, good 'freezy. You know, it's actually better to get them from the bottom of the machine like that. More syrup, you see. Are you sure that's all you're going to eat?
KidK: Hey, you're not going to get on my case for not eating enough too, are you? I already get that every day from my Mom. If the food was decent, I'd eat more of it. But it's not, so I don't. And anyway, I don't see you scarfing down chicken fingers twenty at a time.
'Nny (pointing): No, that would be that guy over there. I was only asking because I'd go and get you more while you do your homework, if you wanted anything else.
KidK: You don't mind just sitting here while I work on my math? This homework isn't due until next Tuesday, but I almost always stay a chapter ahead so that, should I be given a great deal of writing assignments for other classes, I won't have both them and this to worry about on the weekend.
'Nny: Very studious of you. Of course I don't mind—you should do your work. Best to use every minute for things that need to get done, rather than frittering away your time on the phone as, undoubtedly, your roommate does.
KidK: Yes, it's not as if I mind that she has relatives and friends to talk to--I'd never begrudge anyone the fun of hearing from the people they care about--it's just that…why does she have to scream and cry endlessly at her boyfriend when she knows I'm working on a midterm exam essay for poli sci? I mean, when she finally gets around to working on her homework, I'm usually already asleep; but if she's really doing something important during the day I try to busy myself quietly. In short, I don't invite my annoying friends over, eat corn chips, spill salsa all over the place, blare Britney Spears music, and giggle uncontrollably.
'Nny: Well, all the magazines say that your college years are the time you spend finding out the most about yourself. Clearly, you are finally finding out that you're a good deal more considerate than the average person your age.
KidK: Are you trying to make me blush? Cuz if you are, I--uh oh.
'Nny: What is it?
KidK: I am way past due to call Zim. Now there's only like five minutes left in his lunch period! Please excuse me for a moment.
'Nny: I'll go get us some more 'freezys. Want to try the other flavor this time?
KidK: Sounds good to me. See you in a second.
'Nny: Yes. Holy corn, who is in charge of this music?
This dining hall, which is huge, has a giant speaker system suspended like a chandelier from the ceiling. Somewhere amidst the machinery is a radio, which is constantly tuned to a station which I shall not name, but which I shall tell you is obsessed with playing the most depressing, yet self-righteous, alternative music known to mankind. I hate it there, but you can really spread out your homework since the smallest tables seat six. If I accidentally make fun of one of your favorite songs, I'm telling you right now--please don't complain. I'm not stopping you from listening to them, I'm merely saying that I would not like to. As 'Nny walks back to the food lines, KidK makes a very belated call.
KidK: Zimmy? Oh, thank goodness I caught you in time!
Zim: Where were you? When you didn't call I thought you'd been kidnapped by humans or something.
KidK: Ha. Ha. Very funny. Because Dib would probably say I'd been kidnapped by aliens, right?
Zim: …no, I really wondered about that. There's so many…filthy…disgusting…people up at that skool of yours.
KidK: You were worried about me? That's so nice…it's good to feel loved.
Zim: Why would I be worried about you? I was worried that if you went missing, your parents would get all upset and demand that I do something about it, since they recognize that I am a genius.
KidK (thinking): Yeah, sure. Of course, I should've known. So, what've you been doing today?
Zim: That horrible Bitters-human has assigned us yet another book report. The standard curriculum dictates that this one be on a horror story, though she says that anything under the heading 'realistic fiction' can be classified as horror. Is this true?
KidK: No, that's just Miz Bitters' subtle way of reminding you of how doomed you are.
Zim: I'm not doomed. It's the rest of my classmates who are doomed.
Dib (in the background): Did you say 'doomed?' Who are you talking to, Zim? Your alien taskmasters? Let me see!
Zim: No, stupid Dib-monkey, I am talking with KidK.
Dib: KidK? Can I talk to her for a minute?
Zim: No.
Dib: Why not?
Zim: You can't use this wrist-communicator--it's mine! Get your own!
Dib: Give me that! I just want to say hello!
Zim: Not on your life! I'd rather die than do anything that might be construed as 'nice' for you!
Random Girl: Oh my gosh! What is that guy doing up there?!
Other Girl: He's going to kill us all! Noooooo!
KidK: Oh, no, what's he doing? Excuse me, boys, but though I'd really love to hear you bicker with each other some more, there's something more pressing I must attend to at the moment.
Zim: Oh, okay. Farewell for now, then. No, Dib, get your paws off me!
KidK: Bye! (yelling up at the ceiling) Hey, 'Nny-kun!
'Nny (from atop the speaker system): Yes, Missy? Oh, here's your 'freezy! (he tosses down the cup--it won't spill cuz it's so cold & freezy)
KidK (miraculously catching it): Thanks! What're you doing up there?
'Nny: I'm trying to change the radio station!
KidK: Oh! OK! …what?!
'Nny: I got tired of this mess, and thought I'd free us from the drabness of it all! (click)
Radio: 'This is how you remind me of what ah really am--'
KidK (classic me-quote!): What is how she reminds him of what he really is? This song no makie no sense!
'Nny: OK, that's no good…how about this one? (click)
Radio: 'An' it's beenawhile since ah could…hole mah head up hah--'
'Nny: That's even worse! (click)
Radio: '…I'm cold an' I am shamed, lying nak-ed on the floor--'
'Nny: …I did not need to hear that. (click)
Random Guy: Hey, put it back on the one about the naked chicks!
Random Girl: You're passing all the really good stations, mister crazy guy!
Radio: 'I no wanna wait…for our lahvs to be o-vah, I want to know raht now--'
KidK: No, not that! Anything but that!
'Nny: Let's try one more. (click)
Radio: 'Ahhhhh want can-dy!'
'Nny: This OK, Missy?
KidK: It sounds like you've found the All Pointless Eighties Pop Station, so yes! I'm just gonna go finish my math chapter, alright?
'Nny: Okie dokie. Now…how to get down from here…?
He looks around, then simply jumps off the suspended radio equipment, landing gracefully on his feet like a cat amidst the din of upset college students.
Girl: Hey! We were listening to that!
Jock: Yeah, why'd you go and turn off our music?
Goth Girl: And why'd you put on this stupid nonsense? 'I Want Candy?' Puh-leeze, as if candy can assuage the horrible pain of this tragic existence.
'Nny: Trust me, I know what it is to despise one's existence. But why make it worse by listening to others complain? In what way are their imaginary problems entertaining? They're just using the conjured up, carefully tended 'dissatisfaction' of people like you to sell records. Why help them?
Everyone: ……………………………….
'Nny: No thoughts? I didn't think so. Now, since you believe that your sheltered lives--and they are sheltered, for all the 'discomfort' you may complain of--are so dreadful and cannot be helped anyway, you shouldn't mind if we at least try to enjoy ourselves for a little while. Please don't ruin the experience for those of us who are still determined to truly live.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, someone begins clapping. It's an elderly professor sitting at one of the side tables. His colleagues pick this up and begin applauding as well, and soon everyone in the room over twenty-five is clapping and cheering.
Prof Guy: I've been wanting to say that to these uppity students for years!
Prof Lady: Yes, you are quite an eloquent speaker for one so young. What's your name, young man?
'Nny: Me? I'm Johnny C. …and right now, I am more than a little embarrassed by all this, so if you don't mind, I'll just--
Another Prof: Wait, don't go yet! Tell us how to deal with our graduate students!
And Another: Yes, what can we say to art history majors who look at us like we're the scum of the earth?
'Nny: I can't tell you what to say or do. I'm not you, and never will be. Also, I'm not exactly the world's best role model. I only wanted to have some nice music for my friend and I.
Prof Guy: But you must be our teacher! Just tell us some snappy lines like the ones you just said, so we can use 'em on those depressing students.
'Nny: …please leave me alone now. I'm finding your behavior to be just as mindless as that of those you think yourselves better than.
Prof Lady: Oh, that was good! Let me write that one down!
'Nny: …I said cut it out! I was just telling them not to be followers, and now the people who are supposed to be responsible, independent adults are acting just like them! It's no wonder that your students are sheep! Sheep will always follow other sheep, even to the point of running off a cliff! You shouldn't waste your time looking for someone to admire--become someone worth admiring yourself!
Green-Haired Guy: You're totally right. All these conforming people need to be more creative and stuff, and not rely on others to dictate to them how to live.
'Nny: Excuse me, but why is your hair green? This is a very important question.
Green-Haired Guy: Um…because I want to be different from all the normal people?
'Nny: And how many of your friends have unnaturally-colored hair?
Green-Haired Guy: Well, there's Morbiddia…she's got orange now. And Sanguine's got electric blue. Oh, can't forget Raven--he came up with the idea of putting yellow on one side and purple on the other.
'Nny: So--and this is the most soul-wrenching question of all--in what way are you different from those around you; in what way are you a creative person, distinguishable from those you spend your time with?
Green-Haired Guy: I…I…I've got green hair. Nobody I know has green hair.
'Nny: I think I'm going to walk away now. Yes, that seems like the best course of action at this point, since I really would not like to upset Missy in any way.
KidK (walking up): OK, I did my ten problems for this chapter. Are you ready to go?
'Nny: Now is a very good time to leave, I think. But to where?
KidK: I'll bet Diane left to go do something stupid in town with her little friend Cheyenne. They usually go get random haircuts and shop for cute shoes on Tuesdays.
'Nny: Oh, good.
They walk back up the path to the residence hall and use one of the side stairwells to get to KidK and Diane's room. KidK turned out to be wrong about the shopping and haircuts.
Diane: Oh, you're back!
KidK: Oh, you're still here!
Diane: Hmmmm, you didn't want me to be?
KidK: I think I'll remain diplomatically silent on that one.
Diane: *giggle* You're so funny, KidK! (long pause--Diane is having her first actual thought of the day) Ohhhhh, I see what's going on here! Heehee, you don't have to say anything else. I'll just go see what Cheyenne is doing…and leave you two aloooooone… Have *giggle* fun! (she skips brainlessly out of the room)
'Nny: I'm scared, Missy.
KidK: Don't be. She's like this every day. Well, at least this was one of her more helpful misunderstandings. Please, make yourself at home.
'Nny: Wow, you've really fixed this place up nice. Very colorful. I like the posters.
KidK: Thanks. See that Sailor Moon one near the desk? Made it myself from pictures off the internet.
'Nny: Store didn't have any you liked?
KidK: Exactly. Now, I don't have to go to class again until 4:30, so what shall we do until then?
'Nny: I don't know. I just kind of wanted to be near you today…I don't really care what we do.
KidK: That's it. You are trying to make me blush. And your punishment is that you have to help me out for a second. Can you just dump all the books out of my backpack while I try to locate the things I need for Nature of Politics later?
'Nny (complying with her wishes): Oh, Nature of Politics? Sounds interesting.
KidK: It is. It's my favorite class, which is a good thing because I want to major in Political Science. So I'd better be interested in this stuff, know what I mean?
'Nny: What're you learning about right now?
KidK: Well, we were supposed to read the first two chapters of the book On Liberty, but I read the whole thing. It's always fun to surprise the TA by knowing more than you're supposed to know. Are you staying long enough to go to class with me? It's not a Douglass-only class, so you wouldn't stand out too much.
'Nny: If you'd like me to. Oooo, you've got a Spanish to English dictionary!
KidK: Yeah, that's from my Advanced Grammar & Comp class this morning. You can look at it, if you want.
'Nny: ¿Hablas tú español?
KidK: Sí, lo estudié por cuatro años en la colegia, y quiero tomar dos semestres de clases de español aquí en la universidad.
'Nny: OK...let's see…'I studied it for four years in high skool…and I want to take two…semesters of Spanish classes…here at the university.'
KidK: Yee, I was trying to confuse you with my foreign language magic! Long sentences like that usually work!
'Nny: Well you see, the thing is, yo lo estudié en la colegia también. Languages aren't that hard to remember, once you know them.
KidK: Tell that to all my classmates from Holy Cross. They're the ones I usually confuse.
'Nny: Hey, that gives me an idea. Can I borrow this dictionary for a little while? Oh, and I'm gonna need something to lean on.
KidK: You can have the desk. I'll just lounge around on my bed and re-read Liberty whilst you work.
A little while goes by, as little whiles have a tendency to do in my stories when nothing much in the way of eventfulness is occurring. Hey, I need to get them to 4:30 somehow, don't I?
'Nny: All done! A very special Happy Noodle Boy indeed.
KidK: Can I read it? What'd you do, write it in Spanish?
'Nny: Why, yes. Now, finally, I can entertain a whole other segment of the population--crazy Spanish speaking homeless people!
KidK: OK, let's give this thing a look-see. 'Happy Noodle Niño en España: ¡Mis zapatos son llenos de queso, y no tengo pan para mis tortillas! ¿Qué debo hacer cuando las vacas me dan el ojo mal? ¡Te niego, Señor Salsa, porque no me cantas la canción de frijoles felices! ¡Arf, dice el perro mientras él juega con sus pelotas! ¡Espere, mi mariposa de manzanilla! ¡Quiero olerte y hacérsete mi esposa, pero nadie está yendo a la tienda de ropa!' Wahahahahaaaaa! Oh, help! I'm dying here! That is so funny! Ahahahahaha!
'Nny: You really think so?
KidK: Would I…hahaaa…would I lie to you?
'Nny (very serious): No. You wouldn't.
KidK: Hahahaaa…oh, man…my sides ache…heheh…uh oh. Time to go to class again. (another classic me-quote)
'Nny: Already? Perhaps time does fly when you're having fun.
KidK: All I know is, vacations seem to last seconds, weekends moments, and skool days an eternity. Let us walk, my friend. Don't forget your coat.
And then they were making the short, uneventful trip to Nature of Politics class. Well, it should've been uneventful, but another fun idea popped into my head. Poor, poor KidK and 'Nny…
'Nny: You know, this place is kind of pretty at sunset.
KidK: Yes, almost all the leaves are off the trees, so you can see the pink sky so clearly…oops, here come some people.
'Nny: Should we be worried about that?
KidK: We should if they continue to walk in a line spanning the entire width of the path…quick, jump!
She hurriedly pulls him off the road to avoid walking straight into the group of oblivious students.
'Nny (outraged): Hey! You couldn't even have the decency to move over a little so we could walk by without getting our shoes wet in these leaves?! Don't tell me you didn't see us!
Stupid Kid: Thanks for staying out of our way, dorkwad!
Guy-With-A-Deathwish: Yeah, now we don't hafta waste our time beating you up!
Cheerleader: You tell 'im, Greg! Why shouldn't we walk how we want to? You nerds gotta learn to stay off the road when we're around.
'Nny: 'Nerds?' What kind of a word is that?! And why are we defined by it? Because we aren't dressed entirely in clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch? Because you don't know who we are and so you automatically assume that we are worthless? I am not a nerd, I am a human being!
KidK: You're going to be late for class! Forget these lowlives!
She grabs his hand and starts running toward the skool building, leaving the snickering pretty people behind. Finally, they arrive at Nature of Politics. For this class, you go to two lectures a week, as well as one smaller discussion section with a Teacher's Assistant. Now, I've decided that this story's getting kind of long, and there's still a whole other section I have to write about. So let's just assume that class went on and nobody died. It's 7:30, and really super dark outside, when our philosophical twosome exits the building and makes the trip back to the dorm hall.
KidK: That…was so…cool! You should come to all my discussion sections, 'Nny-kun! The TA was so impressed she almost fell over!
'Nny: Well, I've always had strong opinions about social issues…
KidK: But you totally broke down John Stuart Mill's theories of freedom and made the class understand what was going on! The TA can never get people interested in anything, and you got those braindead upperclassmen to actually come up with an opinion and argue with you about it!
'Nny: That's nothing so amazing…people are always telling me I'm wrong.
KidK: No, what was amazing…was that you've never read the book before.
'Nny: I paid attention during the lecture and got the basic gist of Mill's argument--then I just filled in the holes from there.
KidK: Yeah, well…thanks.
'Nny: For what?
KidK: For talking in class. I hate being the only one with anything to say; people stare at me.
'Nny: What can I say? I liked Mill's ideas. (he really would, too—it's one of my favorite books as well)
They walk in silence for a moment.
KidK: …probably wasn't such a good idea to stab that knife through your desk to accentuate your point, though.
'Nny: You might be right. It was a shame about that girl fainting… Well, here we are.
KidK: Aren't you coming up?
'Nny: Can I? I mean, it's nighttime now…I wouldn't want anyone to think bad things about you for having someone of the male persuasion in your room after dark.
KidK: As if I care! You can stay as long as you want. I don't like anybody here one millionth as much as I like you, and it'd be really nice to have someone to share my microwave pasta with.
'Nny: Now you're the one making me blush.
KidK: Well, what goes around comes around. Now get your butt up these stairs and help me get rid of Diane again.
'Nny: She reminds me of a very pretty cockroach…you keep killing her, but she just won't die!
KidK: Heh. Cockroach.
Diane (suddenly materializing): Hiiiiii, guys! Oh, you're still here, um…?
'Nny: Johnny.
Diane: Right, Johnny! (she elbows him in the ribs conspiratorially) Are you going to sleep over?
'Nny: Er…
Diane: 'Cause if you are, I'll go sleep over in Cheyenne's room for the night! It's no problem, her roommate won't mind!
KidK (vicious whisper): Say yes, say yes!
'Nny: Um…yes, I will be spending the night.
Diane: Heehee, KidK, you're bad! I'll just get my stuff and get out of your way, wink wink.
KidK: Thanks bunches, Diane. I'll always remember this as the most bestest night of my life. (thinking) Because it won't include you.
Diane: Heeheehee! Don't worry, I won't tell your parents!
A few minutes later, Diane has cleared out of the room and our heroes are once again alone.
KidK: Yay! Now I must thank you once again, for freeing me from the evil that is Diane!
Without thinking, simply because she always behaves this way with her best friends, she throws her arms around Johnny for her usual 'hug-of-pure-glee.' 'Nny, unsurprisingly, is quite confused and put-off by this display of affection. KidK senses this discomfort and quickly breaks the embrace. She looks up at her friend. He looks down at her.
KidK (blushing fiercely): Sorry.
'Nny (likewise): That's…okay…
KidK: So! Ahahaha…let's have that pasta, shall we?
'Nny: Yes! Let's! Ahahaha… Where is it? I'll make it, and you can call your mother.
KidK: Here you go. It's It's Pasta Anytime (that's what it's called—It's Pasta Anytime) Make sure you follow the instructions exactly, or we'll have a mess on our hands. This microwave is incredibly unpredictable.
'Nny: I'll be careful.
KidK (dialing up her cell phone): Hi, Mom! (pause) Whaddaya mean, 'who is this?' Who else usually calls you now? (pause) Well, I guess I can let that remark slide…this time. (pause) Yeah, class was really fun tonight! We were discussing the book about social freedoms I was telling you about over the weekend. (pause) Yes, I really am interested in this stuff! It's fascinating to read things by people other than Jefferson for a change…that's all you get in elementary skool. (pause) Right, and Holy Cross doesn't concern itself with that kind of thing. Wow, that was a really insightful comment, Mom. (pause) No, I'm not calling you stupid! I just said you were insightful! And I mean it! Where do you think I got my A-producing brain from, TV? (pause) Yes, I know Sesame Street is a very educational program. (pause) I'm gonna eat the It's Pasta Anytime you got me for this week. I think it's elbow macaroni. It's in the microwave right now. (pause) No, I couldn't go to the dining hall tonight. It closes at 7. (pause) I'm not starving myself, I'm eating pasta! Here, listen, hear that? It's the sound of the microwave going off. (pause) Yeah, I know you love me. Who wouldn't? Ha ha, that was a joke. I love you too, Mom. (pause) See ya in a few days! (she hangs up) So, how'd it come out?
'Nny: Oh, it's not done yet. I just took it out to stir the sauce in better.
KidK: Does it say to do that?
'Nny: No. But, being alone all the time, I've become a sort-of microwave dinner gourmet, and so I know about these things.
KidK: So I've time to call Zim?
'Nny: Yeah, this should go in for another couple minutes so the cheese can melt in good.
KidK: Cheese? That stuff doesn't come with cheese.
'Nny (shrugging): I found some in the refrigerator. It makes it taste better, trust me.
KidK: I do trust you. Now, try not to get within the range of the video camera in the wrist-communicator, because Zim doesn't know you're here and all heck would break loose if my Dad found out.
'Nny: Your Dad is tall.
KidK: Very tall.
'Nny: I hide now.
KidK: Thankies. (she taps a few buttons on the communicator) Zim! Didja miss me?
Zim: …yes?
KidK: Well, now I know nobody else is around, cuz you'd never say that for anyone else to hear. How's your latest plan coming along?
Zim (suspiciously): How do you know I have a plan?
KidK: Zimmy, I know you. You always have a plan. What is it this time?
Zim: Well, I began reading a work of literature titled Pet Semetary for my book report, and--
KidK: No.
Zim: No what?
KidK: No don't bring people's pets back from the dead that's gross and really actually evil like more evil than enslaving a planet and dooming its inhabitants evil!
Zim (slightly disturbed): I wasn't going to.
KidK (relieved): Oh. Good. Then what?
Zim: I'm going to make a big giant dog robot and tell it to fetch me the world's tallest buildings. Surely the humans will run in fear!
KidK: Oh, surely!
Zim: I've got the prototype right here. Wait…where did it…*sigh* Gir?
Gir (inexplicably falling from the ceiling): Yeeeeeeees?
Zim: Where did you put my prototype dog robot?
Gir: You mean Binky?
Zim: Bin…yes, I mean Binky, Gir. Where is Binky?
Gir: We're playin' hide an' go seek, Master! She's hiding from me! Wanna help me look?
Zim: Now, tell me, Gir. When you say 'we're playing hide and go seek,' do you mean that you hid the dog robot somewhere, or do you mean that the dog robot went and hid itself somewhere…which would mean you turned it on, which was something I told you quite clearly and plainly not to do?
Gir: …taquitos?
Zim (flatly): You turned it on, didn't you?
Gir: Yes! Waitaminnit…no. Waaaaait…yes.
Zim: Now it's going to start fetching things!
KidK: Like what?
Zim: Like…who knows what?
KidK's Dad (so loud you can hear him in the lab): Who took my newspaper?!
KidK: Uh oh, you guys are in for it now…
Zim: Yes, we are. I'm afraid I must go, to try and find that dog thing before--
KidK's Mom (really loud too): What just bit me?! Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim!
Zim (hurriedly): I'll talk to you later.
KidK: I really hope that you live to. Kisses!
Zim: …this transmission is ending now!
KidK (laughing): I'll call again before I go to bed.
Zim: Yes, yes, goodbye. No Gir don't jump on the remote--
KidK (shaking her head): Oh, those crazy guys I live with. You can come out now, 'Nny-kun. I didn't actually literally mean you had to hide, you know.
'Nny: Your closet is nice inside. Smells like flowers.
KidK: That's my Mom's doing. Here, have a fork and dig in!
And so they enjoyed a lovely meal of It's Pasta Anytime--available at your local grocery store in a variety of different…varieties.
KidK: This is good! Why didn't I think of putting cheese in it sooner?
'Nny: Really brings out the sauce's flavor, huh?
KidK: OK, so I've decided. You should really be an author, an artist, a philosopher, a teacher, and a chef.
'Nny: All at once? Wow, I didn't know I was so talented!
KidK: Well, now that we've emptied the convenient microwaveable container of all its delicious food items, what shall we do next?
'Nny: Have you any good music here?
KidK: Oh, yeah! I forgot I wanted to show you this. I found this really awesome website that has tons of songs from anime!
'Nny: Like the ones on our Tape of Pointless Happiness?
KidK: Yup! Just make yourself comfortable, and I'll set us up with some!
A few minutes later, KidK is happily leaning back in her computer chair, and 'Nny is happily stretched out on the bed. They're in pointless happy music heaven.
KidK: Okay…next is 'Shoot! Love Hunter' from Bakuretsu Hunter.
'Nny: What could possibly top 'Catch You Catch Me?'
KidK: That is one of the best songs from CardCaptor Sakura, but this one's really good too.
'Nny: Let's hear it, then!
The hours pass quickly, as it is indeed true that time flies when you're having fun. Now it's pretty late at night, around 10:00.
KidK and 'Nny (singing along): Shishunki eiji, kakikai OK, koi suru purofiiru!
KidK: Yay! That's my favorite J-pop song ever!
'Nny: It's nice; I like listening to it on the tape everyday. (he glances at the clock) Hey…don't you have to sleep soon?
KidK: Not until 10:30. But we're all out of songs. Oh, darnit!
'Nny: Hmm?
KidK: I keep forgetting to make my calls today! I gotta sign off with Zim for the night soon, else he won't go to bed.
'Nny: Back to the closet?
KidK: Nah, I always make my final call from the floor's kitchen, on account of usually Diane's playing 'let's-see-how-loud-I-can-make-the-radio' by this point. I'd better go over there so's nobody suspects anything.
'Nny: Hee, I feel like we're having some kind of illicit affair…
They look at each other and once again just can't stop themselves from laughing. After giggling uncontrollably for almost a minute, KidK exits the dorm room, goes to the floor kitchen--no floor should be without one--and sits down at the table to make her final call of the night.
KidK: Hello again, Zim. Geez, what happened to your head?
Zim: Your mother hit the dog-robot around with a frying pan…well, she meant to anyway. She obviously didn't notice that I was right at the same second bending over to catch it.
KidK: Ay, chihuahua…that's gotta hurt.
Zim: It did. But she apologized profusely and gave me an ice pack, so I've decided to leave her on the list of people I will not be dooming.
KidK: Very magnanimous of you. Where's Gir?
Zim: Sleeping, possibly. I haven't heard much from him in the last couple of hours.
KidK: And you don't know where he is?
Zim: No, I haven't checked.
KidK: And everything's quiet?
Zim: …uh oh. Gir?
KidK's Mom (in the background): Who ate all the leftover stuffed shells?
Gir (likewise): Mister Perkins, you naughty koala!
KidK: Well, at least it was just stuffed shells and not anything expensive or breakable.
Zim: Yes, we can all breathe a sigh of relief on this one. You humans are sick, you know that?
KidK: Wow, that was out of nowhere! Why are we sick today, Zimmy?
Zim: I finished Pet Semetary.
KidK: Oh dear.
Zim: Indeed. Well, at least the Bitters-human should enjoy my report.
KidK: Yes, I can see where she would. So, are you ready for bed?
Zim: There are still a few things around the lab that need to be tended to—such as the severely damaged remote control of my dog robot—but I'll be done soon enough.
KidK: Well, I hope your head gets better.
Zim: Thank you. Just three more days of skool, right?
KidK: Right. Heh, really only eight more hours of skool for me!
Zim (accepting her challenge): You have to sleep at your skool.
KidK: You have to learn about all the same subjects every day.
Zim: You are forced to consume cafeteria food whether you like it or not!
KidK: You hafta take the bus now that there's no one to drive you!
Zim: You have to be near that disgusting Diane human!
KidK (matter of fact): I only have three more weeks of skool and then I have five weeks off.
Zim: …you win.
KidK: Yay! What do I win? What do I win?!
Zim: Nothing.
KidK: Hey, what kindofa game show is this?
Zim (getting angry): This isn't a game show.
KidK: Well I'll say it isn't. Nobody wins anything! Heehee, we just did a scene from Animaniacs.
Zim: A scene from what?
KidK: And you didn't even know it! This is classic! Wahahahahaaa! (really, I just plagiarized Animaniacs! *dies*)
Zim (blankly): Go to bed.
KidK: OK, I'll see you in the morning.
Zim: Goodnight, KidK.
KidK: 'Night, Zimmy!
She gets up and goes back down the hall to her room, where she finds Johnny waiting for her outside the door.
KidK: What happened?
'Nny (pointing at the door): She said they had to change their clothes in there because, and these were her exact words--'Cheyenne's roommate is so rude and wouldn't stop working on her term paper so we could put on our pajamas in privacy.' Then the other one wondered aloud where my pajamas were and then dissolved into a fit of high-pitched giggling. At that point, they shoved me out of the room.
KidK: That's Diane and Cheyenne for you. So, ready to go?
'Nny: Unfortunately, yes. At least I managed to grab my backpack as they were pushing me out the door.
KidK: Then…let's walk. (they begin making their way out to the parking lot) Hopefully Diane'll think we just went out for a minute and'll still go back to Cheyenne's.
'Nny: Oh, she will. She was going on and on about how they were going to have a (air quotes) 'ramen party.'
KidK: They're always having some kind of party. Poor Cheyenne's roommate…well, at least it's not poor me this time.
The rest of the walk is made in silence. It's so late at night that nobody else is around. Most of the cars in the lot, which belong to commuters, have cleared out, and the only sound is the crunch of asphalt under steel-toed boots. Finally, they reach 'Nny's little gray car.
'Nny: Well…I suppose this is it.
KidK: Yes, I suppose… Thank you so much for coming to visit me today, 'Nny-kun.
'Nny: Thank you for having me for so long.
KidK: Well, I really couldn't leave you out in the cold, could I?
'Nny: Anyone else would have. Speaking of which, here's your coat back. (he takes it off and drapes it over her shoulders)
KidK: Thanks. You were right, you know.
'Nny: About what?
KidK: About something good happening today.
'Nny: Yes, it's almost been like a dream.
KidK: Not one of my dreams. My dreams are usually horrendous.
'Nny: Mine too, actually—when I bother to sleep. So…not like a dream. Like…pure happiness. Yes, it's pure happiness to be close to you. To quote that song they just keep playing on the radio over and over again without end, 'Just to be with you is having the best day of my life.'
KidK: You know that whole making me blush thing? You're doing it again.
'Nny: Then I suppose the only thing I can do now is make a quiet exit.
KidK: Hey, not without accepting your punishment!
'Nny: Huh? Punishm--
But of course it's too late. She's already got her arms around him. The treasured black trenchcoat falls from her shoulders to the pavement, but she doesn't even notice--suddenly, the night doesn't seem so cold. If this were a movie, this would be the point where the sweet violin-and-piano theme music would kick in, and the camera would slowly pan upward and away, enlarging the view until it encompasses the entire starlit parking lot. Then, all you'd see would be the moon, shining down on two someones--two small pawns in the game of life--upon whom, for this one happy day, Fate, Chance, and Luck…have smiled.
~The End~
I warned you that I was feeling literary today…
By the way, Destiny is now messing around with the lives of people named Usagi and Mamoru. Just thought I'd let you know.
Oh, and my dreams are usually horrifyingly, mind-numbingly, torturously bad. Todd Casil's got nothing on me. The particular dream which inspired this story was, clearly, an aberration.
Ummm…you have permission to puke your guts out now. But then review. Please? Do not fear the 'review' button! It will only bite your fingers if you provoke it! I love you…
1/18/01--5:32 PM