Doing What Is Needed
by The Lost Girl
SPOILERS:DAO, with bits from DAA, DA2, The Stolen Throne, and The Calling…
SUMMARY: The Landsmeet: sparing Loghain and allowing him to become a Grey Warden will cause Alistair to leave, only to become a wandering drunkard… To quote Arl Rendorn Howe: "I deserved… More…"
Not only did this option break my heart, but I found it profoundly unfair to all three characters. My Warden, who is a firm believer in redemption and second chances, and can't kill a man admitting defeat, especially not in cold blood. Alistair, who's been constantly overlooked by people that should have cared for him in his life, yet has always demonstrated a strong ability to forgive and deeply care for others, to give his all… And Loghain, who is such a rich and complex character, that after reading the books, all you want to do is try to pull him back from "the Dark Side".
So I decided to write my own version of what happened after the Landsmeet, had the Warden chosen to spare Loghain's life; and convinced Anora to let Alistair live. I really wanted to keep the Landsmeet as is, and see how I could manage to make it work from there.
This is mostly Surana/Alistair… With a rather strong dose of Zevran/Leliana as well (never thought of that pairing until I began writing the story... But then, it took a life of its own and I couldn't stop it! Lol!)… And a zest of others too (most canon, although there might be one surprise or two).
DISCLAIMERS: All the characters (well, at least, the important ones) in the story belong to David Gaider, Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on everything Dragon Age. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games or the books.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please keep in mind that I strongly believe that suicide/death is NEVER the answer. This is a work of fiction, and fiction alone. If you suffer from depression, or are having any kind of suicidal thoughts, I strongly suggest that you read something else, and seek help in your community (friends, family, psychologist, doctor, etc.). Thank you! : )
Doing What Is Needed
Chapter 1...
"He's an idiot… A royal idiot is what he is! A fool and, and… And some genlock's ass for doing what he did to you! I can't believe he had the nerve to say the things he said, and forsworn his duties like the whole world should revolve around his own selfish little self-righteous, bastardly, princely self…"
"Leliana, the hate talk… Not helping…" Neria told her dearest friend, though she couldn't help but offer her a small, sad, grateful smile, somewhat amused and deeply touched by the intensity of her companion's devotion.
"Well, isn't that what best friends are for? Bad mouthing evil guys, while carrying the hate for two since you won't allow yourself to?" she replied, half-serious and half-teasing…
The truth of the matter was that even she couldn't allow herself to truly hate Alistair…
Sure, she thought he was one of the most deeply stupid men in Ferelden right now… What with running away before having given a chance for any of them to talk to him. Zevran had tried to catch up to him before he'd reached the gates of Denerim, but to no avail.
After having delivered a few accusing words filled with venom, basically saying that Neria was betraying all that they stood for, and dishonoring Duncan's memory by allowing a fallen foe to join the ranks of the Warden… And after Neria had basically ordered the new Queen to spare his life, silently reminding her of what she was sacrificing to allow her to wear the crown, he'd just left!
His hurt pride, apparently, was more important than stopping the Blight! Let all of Ferelden be burnt to the ground and become corrupted by the taint… Why? Let the whole Universe be destroyed before he'd accept to work on the same side as a traitor!
Stupid, stupid boy… And what made Leliana even angrier, was Eamon's condescending stares when he'd next met with Neria… Telling her that Alistair felt hurt and betrayed, and rightfully so.
Right… Eamon was one to talk! After all, it wasn't like he'd made the child live in the stables before abandoning him to the Chantry once his wife had decided that he was too much trouble. Oh! But when they suddenly needed a new king… Of course! Let's push Alistair on the throne!
Teach a child that he is but a stain on his father's glorious reign… Shelter him from the world and politics… Make him a Templar to ensure he'd never have any life of his own, nor any children that could one day make a claim to the throne…
And then, let's throw him to the wolves, right in the middle of a civil war!
Hypocrites!
Perhaps that was why she couldn't bring herself to truly hate the young man… Alistair had been told his whole life that he didn't matter, that what he wanted never mattered… He'd been rejected or ignored by his father, brother, uncle… And even by his sister, who seemed to deeply resent him for his "noble birth", accusing him of not providing for his nieces and nephews with the gold and riches that a prince like him should have given them!
He had been made to feel that he wasn't wanted, nor did he belong anywhere until he had finally found his place among the Grey Wardens of Ferelden; and a father figure in Duncan.
Even Cailan had seemed to have finally seen him… Though they never talked about it, he could tell that his brother looked at him with respect, admiration, and perhaps a little envy for becoming part of the legendary order.
At Ostagar, all of that had been taken away from him in a single act of treason. A "father" and half-brother left to die at the hand of the darkspawns… A whole adoptive family slaughtered…
And now, the woman he loved, and Riordan, another fellow Warden, would allow the one responsible for so much pain and destruction to live and become one of them…
Alistair's naive mind failed to see that his "family", the Grey Wardens, had never been about recruiting only noble minds and spirits… They were about stopping the Blight, no matter the costs or sacrifices. If someone was capable enough to face darkspawns and willing to devote his or her life to it, they were welcome to submit themselves to the taint.
He had failed to see that Riordan and Neria's decision had never been about what Loghain deserved, but what needed to be done.
She was mad… Really mad at him for what her friend was going through… To the outside world, Neria seemed the same strong and determined woman that had gathered the human, dwarven, and elven nations of Ferelden under a single cause… And that inspired the admiration and loyalty of everyone who met her.
But her closest friends knew that part of her soul was gone from her eyes… Deep inside, she was broken, defeated, falling apart…
Perhaps as much as Alistair had been when he'd walked out of that door at the Landsmeet… Shoulders slumped, head hung low, eyes void of any emotion… Had Anora ignored Neria's plea, and given the order to execute him, Leliana half suspected that part of him would've been grateful…
No, she couldn't hate Alistair… She hated his Makerdamned innocence, and his inability to understand… She hated the nobles of Ferelden, and their politics… She hated Loghain, and his ill-advised plans to protect Ferelden… She hated how Neria was willing to sacrifice everything, including her own heart, to do the right thing… She hated everything that had brought them to this… Most of all, she hated how helpless the whole situation made her feel…
"How can I hate him when I still feel like my very soul belongs to him…?" the young mage replied… Offering a weak smile, eyes shining with tears…
"Oh Neri…" Leliana gathered her in her arms, as Neria finally allowed herself to cry, her whole body shaking to the rhythm of her heart-wrenching sobs.
"I love… him… So much… I can't… breathe… Leliana… I feel like I… can't… breathe…" she managed to say between forced breaths…
"Shhh… It's okay… I promise you that when the Blight is over, we'll go look for him and knock some sense into that thick skull of his…" she whispered, her own tears threatening to spill.
"What if… he… doesn't…"
"Neria, he loves you… He may be a royal bastard both literally and figuratively… Not to mention a real idiot… But never doubt that he loves you. If it came down to it, he would do anything for you." she said, surprised to notice just how strongly she believed in her own words.
"But if he… can't forg…"
"He won't forgive you because there is nothing for him to forgive!" she cut, her voice suddenly very firm and passionate "Neria, you did nothing wrong, and this is only a misunderstanding… Trust me, he will be the one begging you for forgiveness once I'm through with him…"
Eventually, the crying subsided, and Neria managed to calm herself, feeling somewhat exhausted, and numb…
"You know, Alistair was right…" she said, flinching a little bit as she mentioned his name for the first time since the Landsmeet's incident… "…You can be scary sometimes…"
Leliana laughed… "Well, I do have my moments… Talking about scary... What did Morrigan want to talk to you about earlier? She looked rather crossed when she came out of your room... Right before changing into a dog that is... What was that all about?"
Neria had hoped that no one would have noticed their exchange, nor asked any question... But of course, if anyone would have seen anything, it was going to be Leliana. It seemed like she always managed to be at 10 places at the same time. Bloody bards!
"Nothing of importance... She's having second thoughts about tomorrow's battle, that's all... I think something about her mother's spirit having found a new host, and her being in danger by staying here any longer..." she swiftly lied, hoping that her friend would buy it...
Though she didn't look all too convinced, Leliana seemed to be at least willing to respect her need for privacy, and her unwillingness to elaborate... "Alright..." she said quietly, with a hint of suspicion in her voice, before realizing it was already dark outside…
"Perhaps we should try to get some rest… I have the feeling that we're going to need it for tomorrow…" she offered, and began to stand up. Only to have a small, but surprisingly powerful hand grip her arm, stopping her midway.
"Actually, and I know I sound like a child for asking this…" she started, her cheeks reddening…
"You want me to spend the night by your side, and chase the bad dreams away?" Leliana offered helpfully, sitting back on top of the comforter.
Neria let out her first real laugh since the last few days… But then grew somber… "We don't know what tomorrow will bring, except a huge fight to the finish with a bunch of darkspawns, and an Archdemon… I don't think that any of us should spend these last hours alone…"
The bard smiled… "Alright, let me go get a nice bath, put on something more comfortable than leather armor, get Schmooples… Ooooh… And then I'll tell you this wonderful story that lady Cecily used to tell me about this Orlesian princess who fell in love with a pirate, and…"
A few hours later, after a much needed evening of shameless girl talk and gossiping, the two young women began to drift off in each other's arms… Finding some sense of peace and comfort in the powerful and deeply sincere friendship they shared… Though she felt like half of her heart was still missing, and would have given anything to have her lover by her side, Neria was grateful that her friends would be there with her tomorrow… Fighting, and perhaps even dying by her side...
She silently prayed that most, if not all of them would make it, and that she would still live on in their memories…
Just as sleep was about to finally claim her, the door to her chambers opened, startling them both…
"Sorry… I didn't know you two were… I mean… I shouldn't have disturbed… Never mind…"
Neria had jumped out of the bed and had reached the Antivan in a second before he could do so much as close the door; while Leliana kept starring at him in a daze, flabbergasted… Waves of emotions coursing through her… Confusion, embarrassment, curiosity… Longing…
Instead of making some lewd remark about the two girls laying in bed with each other, offering to join in or, at least, to watch… Zevran had had a truly dejected look on his face… Like a child whose puppy had just been killed… He'd quickly averted his eyes and looked away, ready to retreat.
While Leliana was thrown off by his behavior; it seemed that Neria felt entirely comfortable with it, laughing at his reaction while he purposely glared at her…
"Oh Zev… It's not what you think… See, nightgown!" she said, pointing to her rather unflattering outfit, while Zevran's cheeks turned red, embarrassed to have been caught in a moment of weakness…
"You are an evil, evil woman…" he scolded, while Neria's smile only grew bigger…
Is there something going on between them? Leliana asked herself, a pang of jealousy nagging at her very soul… Before remembering of course how her friend had been crying her heart out over Alistair just a few hours earlier… No then, that wasn't it…
Of course she knew that Zevran had always been very fond of his fellow elf… But Neria wasn't in love with him… Of that, she was certain…
Then what was it…? They both seemed to be in on something, and she truly hated being left out of the loop… Not to mention that she was positively disturbed by the fact that she was beginning to resent Neria for seemingly sharing some intimate connection with the assassin…
Maker's breath, what is wrong with you?
"Come…" Neria said, while taking Zevran's hand and pulling him towards the bed…
"What are you doing?" he asked, trying but failing to hide the sudden panic in his voice, raising his eyebrows, and looking like he was ready to bolt out of the door at any moment…
"Well… Like I explained earlier to Leliana… I believe that no one should spend this last night before the big battle alone…" she began, with a wicked grin…
"…And since you once offered your services as a bed warmer… And I suspect you are, indeed, very warm in bed… How about making sure that neither Leliana nor I catch a cold on this very chilly night… You wouldn't want us to go into battle sneezing and coughing would you?" she asked with an innocent pout.
Neria, by the Maker, WHAT are you doing? Leliana asked herself, her thoughts echoing the elf's previous question, eyes wide, as they had both nearly reached the bed…
She was staring… She knew she must have been staring… Zevran was only wearing clean, white cotton pants hanging low on his waist... And she had a full view of his lean, well toned arms, torso and stomach all the way down to his hips… And the fabric was so thin that you could almost see… Oh Maker…
Of course, she thought, it had probably never been a secret to Neria that she had always found the assassin particularly attractive… As she recalled, she had been the only one expressing any genuine enthusiasm when her friend had decided to spare his life, and asked him to join them on their crusade.
But Zevran was, well, Zevran… And part of his charms was how very fickle he could be. So she'd convince herself that any romantic feelings towards the gorgeous, incredibly sexy, lithe, agile, strong, and probably very flexible Leliana! Stop it! elf could only bring heartache.
Yet, as he got nearer, she could already feel her whole body burning and yearning for his contact…
"While I aim to please my dear Warden friend, and am not a man to come back on my word… If I am in any way making our lovely lay sister uncomfortable, I can just return to…" he began, while Leliana let out the breath she'd been holding without realizing.
"Don't be ridiculous!" Neria interrupted, pushing him in the bed right next to said "lay sister", before quickly jumping in, and making sure that he couldn't attempt to get up.
Before Zevran could do anything about it, he found himself on his back, with a very tired yet smiling Warden resting her head on his shoulder, her arm around his waist, and an oddly content smile on her face…
Once the shock had subsided, he threw his head back on the pillow, and started laughing… "You saucy minx… Seriously woman, have you no shame? Abusing me so?"
"No, I have decided that tonight was not the night for regrets…" she said meaningfully, while Leliana was frozen into place… Not knowing what to do…
Finally, Zevran turned his head to look at her… And, as his eyes found hers, she gasped… Offering her an uncharacteristically shy yet charming smile, he extended his left arm towards her…
"Shall we?" he asked… His voice was soft… He sounded almost vulnerable… While there was still some mirth in his eyes, she could see a hint of fear, and longing… Leliana's heart was racing… Beautiful... Was all she could think of... And though she knew that he could, nor would never be hers, she decided in that instant that she didn't care.
So she took his hand, letting him guide her closer to his body, and rested her head in the crook of his neck while her arms instinctively wrapped themselves around his torso, and her left leg curled around his thigh…
She inhaled his scent, and listened to the soft sound of his heart beat… Fast, so fast… Its rhythm almost matching her own. Probably because Zevran was laying so close to Neria.
But tonight… If only for tonight… She would pretend that his heart beat for her, and get lost in her own fantasy… Neria had known… She could fool the world, but not her best friend, for some reason...
A few minutes later, both women were fast asleep. In her slumbering state, Leliana had lazily climbed half her body on top of Zevran's, her head now resting on his chest. Her arm circled his waist all the way to his lower back, holding him almost possessively into place, while his legs were effectively pinned under her thigh.
A small, contented sigh escaped her lips, and Zevran felt a deep shiver run through his body. Had he not been afraid to wake her, he would have readily laughed. He, Zevran Arainai, the impenitent womanizer who prided himself on his many conquests, and remarkable skills in the art of seduction and love making… Zevran Arainai, who kept preaching that he expected nothing more in life than to take pleasure where he could find it, whether it be in the arms of men or women… Or both at the same time!
The great Zevran Arainai, always in perfect control, that made it a great public display of how nothing you could do or say would disturb nor surprise him. Who embraced both life and death with the same hunger and abandon. Fearing nothing, and having nothing to lose.
Yet here he was, his heart racing, and his body shivering from the simple contact of one single, beautiful lady. It felt as if every cell in his body was burning with a passion so strong that it was threatening to consume his very soul. And he wanted nothing more than to let it, let the gorgeous red fire in her hair burn him, scorch him, claim every part of his being…
And he'd never felt more afraid…
To be continued…
A/N: Yes, the beginning of this chapter was inspired in part by a scene between Willow and Buffy in BTVS. For some reason, that's how I picture the friendship between Leliana and my female Grey Warden (when I don't play them as a couple).