Hello my lovely darlings! How are you all?

So, this is my first time publishing a Supernatural fanfic, and unfortunatley it is not a happy tale. This story about anxiety is somewhat based on my own experiences after I was diagnosed about 6 months ago, but obviously dramatised and changed to suit this story and the supernatural verse! I wrote this as a sort of therapy for myself. I'm so sorry if the characters appear very OOC (which i'm sure they do at some points). This is not intended to be slash, just warm snuggly friendship!

TRIGGER WARNINGS: anxiety (detailed discriptions) , panic/anxiety attacks (deatailed descriptions), OCD, restless leg syndrome, depression, doctor's visit.

He didn't understand why tonight was so different but for some reason Castiel could not sleep. He had been human for a little over a month and so would say he was growing fairly use to the necessities such as eating and sleeping. Tonight, though, the former angel found himself curled up tight as he tried to will himself to sleep, but it was like his mind refused to rest.

He couldn't help but think about home. He knew that his home was with Sam and Dean now and he would be forever grateful that they had made him feel welcome and more comfortable than he probably deserved. But this wasn't his home, not really. His home had been beyond this earth along with his tens of thousands of brothers and sisters. Before, he had just been able to fly back and forth whenever he pleased - his family was always close by if he'd needed them - but now home was extremely far away and his family didn't want him anymore (and rightly so in his opinion).

He considered going to talk to Sam or Dean but it was the early hours of the morning and he didn't want to disturb them. He felt enough of a burden to them. Not only had they given him a place to stay, but they had had to practically teach him everything about being human. They had more important things like hunts to concentrate on and didn't need him being a 'baby' as Dean had claimed on more than one occasion.

It was all so overwhelming. As Castiel looked up at the ceiling he realised how much the dark seemed to be encasing him and he didn't like it anymore. He quickly scrambled over to his bedside table and switched on the lamp Dean had given him. Yes, that was a little better, the light was safer and nothing could hide from him in the shadows.

The angel rolled back over and squeezed his eyes shut with determination, but he still wasn't able to relax. He was suddenly aware that his whole body was trembling, but he didn't understand why - he wasn't cold. He tried to clear his mind, but that has always proved to be a difficult feat for him.

A pain appeared on his chest. It felt a little tight, and each breath started to feel like it was struggling to break free. Another pain appeared in his arm, like pinpricks. It only appeared for a few seconds at a time before fading but he knew all of these sensations were not normal. The back of his head also felt like it was being squeezed between too unforgiving hands and that it might implode at any moment.

He hated it, he hated it all and he wanted it to stop but he didn't know how. His breathing felt like it was becoming more and more restricted until the ex-angel eventually had to jolt himself up in his bed and gasped in and out with desperate breaths. He placed trembling fingers on the pulse in his wrist and realised it was going a lot faster than he knew was normal. He realised for the first time that this rapid beat beneath his skin no longer belonged to Jimmy Novak but solely to him, and Castiel found that scared him.

He got out of bed and shakily paced up and down the room as he tried to steady his breathing and the rhythm of his heart. He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply before taking in another deep breath. The pains he'd previously been experiencing seemed to have numbed, but he was still frightened by what he had just experienced. Maybe he really should go and ask someone about it.

Once satisfied he had his breathing under control after a few more moments of calculated breathing and pacing, Castiel headed out into the dark corridor and soon found himself stood outside Sam's door. He figured the younger Winchester would be more understanding - Dean would probably just tell him to 'man up' or something.

He had his hand raised to the door ready to knock, but then he realised he was struggling to breathe again and he had to sudden urge to just runaway. Castiel bolted down the corridor and didn't stop until he reached kitchen. He remembered Sam saying how important it was to drink enough water, and although he doubted it would be much help he didn't know what else to do.

After steadying his breath once more Castiel grabbed a glass with trembling hands and proceeded to fill it with water. As he sipped at the cool liquid he did find that he felt a little better but it didn't at all put a stop to his symptoms. If he were still an angel he wouldn't be experiencing any of these problems at all. He'd know exactly what was wrong and be able to heal them with his grace. He knew it was customary for humans to see a doctor when they suspected illness, but again the thought of talking to a stranger about intimate feelings made him nervous.

As he walked back to the table in the main hall of the bunker he spotted Sam's laptop abandoned on top of the fine polish. Castiel frowned; it was unlike Sam to carelessly leave his most prized possession lying around. When he cursorily lifted the screen he found his answer. It seemed that Dean had 'borrowed' it to watch one of those dirty movies again.

Castiel was about to go back to his room when he had a thought. Sam was always using his laptop to do research, maybe he could use it to research all these weird things that seemed to be happening to his body. Sam had showed him the basics of searching things on the internet so that the ex-angel could help research some cases. Castiel sat at the table and typed in his symptoms.

A whole list of pages came up offering explanations which seemed to range from nothing to worry about to extremely severe and Castiel didn't know which one to believe, but after a while he found that he could only start to assume the worst. He found himself searching for the feel of his heartbeat in his wrist again as he scrolled through page after a page. One thing he knew for sure that he would definitely go and see a doctor first thing tomorrow.

"Cas?"

A voice appeared out of the darkness, startling Castiel and nearly causing him to fall off his chair.

"Sam" it almost came out as a squeak as he quickly slammed the screen shut and jumped out of seat.

"What are you doing with my laptop?" The younger Winchester asked as he appeared from the shadows rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"N-nothing" Castiel stuttered. "I was j-just nothing..."

He tried to rush past Sam but the younger Winchester grabbed his arm.

"Hey, are you alright?" He asked.

"Fine, I'm fine" Castiel replied, but it was clear from Sam's expression he didn't believe him at all.

Castiel ripped himself from Sam's hold and practically ran back to his room. He sat on the edge of his bed rocking slightly and gripping at his chest as he tried to breath. He didn't understand why Sam grabbing him like that had frightened him so much. The ex-angel had to eventually remind himself that he needed to breath and so tired to get a regular flow going. He clutched his wrist and could feel his pulse was going a little too fast for his liking, but eventually it started to slow.

The panic just seemed to come out of nowhere and then disappear almost without explanation too. Castiel hated this, why was this happening? Why now? As if they didn't have enough things to worry about.

Once he was satisfied his breathing was normal again Castiel buried himself under the covers, but his lamp remained switched on. He tried to ignore the squeezing sensation in the back of his head as he tried to sleep, but ultimately he found it too much to bear as he turned and started to weep into his pillow.

Castiel had walked to the doctor's office the next day after reading about it online; there was no way he would risk taking the impala and Dean finding out. It gave him time to think though, and he almost turned back at least three times but he knew this was something he had to do.

Once he arrived and filled out a form the wait seemed to be an excruciatingly long one. He found himself shaking his leg up and down again and when his name was finally called (under the pretence of Jimmy Novak) Castiel slowly made his way over to the smiling young doctor that was waiting for him.

"Good morning, Mr Novak" she said as they took a seat in her office. "What seems to be the problem?"

Castiel struggled to hold himself together as he explained everything that he had experienced last night. The doctor nodded along and made some notes, asking questions every now and again and jotting down those answers too.

"Alright, I'm going to do a couple of quick tests. Nothing to worry about I assure you, and they won't hurt at all I promise."

Despite the declaration Castel did feel a little alarmed when she clipped something onto his finger and when the device beeped Castiel jumped a little.

"It's okay" she said with a warming smile. "Your pulse rate and blood pressure are proving to be perfectly normal." She then picked up another device Castiel didn't recognise and used it to look in ears. "No problems there either…" She made some more notes. "Well, Mr Novak based on what you described but having the positive response to the tests I'm going to diagnose you with anxiety."

"Anxiety?" Castiel repeated.

"Yes, anxiety can manifest in many ways such as pains in various parts of the body and the sensation of struggling to breath, or panic attacks, as you described. It's very common for most people to go through a phase of anxiety in their lives. The most important thing is to try and not create stress for yourself."

"Is there anything I can do to make it stop?" Castiel asked meekly.

"Well, as I said it's important to avoid things which may mentally or physically strain you, and if you ever feel like you are struggling to breath there are a number of breathing exercises you can employ. Here…" she said handing him some pamphlets. "These should explain anything you have questions about. However, as you did experience a panic attack I'm also going to prescribe you some anxiety medication."

"Okay…" Castiel said quietly. This was so much to take in and he wished Sam or Dean were with him right now.

"So here is your prescription form…" the doctor said handing him some more paper "and I want you to come and see me if things don't improve, okay?"

Castiel nodded feeling a little dazed and like he'd just been through the whirlwind. He thanked the doctor before exiting her office.

After he arrived back home from the doctor's, Castiel was sat reading the pamphlets he'd been given at the kitchen table. He was still so confused and didn't understand how anxiety could cause so many worrisome problems. There was information about the possible causes of anxiety and what the symptoms might be, but the self-treatment methods all seemed highly unstable. There was no guarantee that something trivial like keeping a journal would help at all, and Castiel didn't like the idea of a therapist; if he felt uncomfortable about divulging his condition to his friends then how on earth was he supposed to talk to a complete stranger? He supposed all he could do for now was take the medication and try out the breathing exercises the doctor had suggested.

When he heard footsteps heading towards him Castiel scrambled to shove the pamphlets in the pocket of his coat which was hanging on the back of the chair.

"Hey, Cas" Sam greeted as he shuffled over to the coffee pot.

"Hello, Sam" Castiel replied.

"Where have you been all morning?" The younger Winchester asked curiously.

"Oh, I just went out for a walk. Did you know there is a beehive just outside the bunker?" Castiel replied steadily even though he could feel the weird sensations ins his chest building up again; he hated lying to Sam after everything they had been through.

"No, I didn't" Sam chuckled with amusement. He turned to face Cas and realised that the former angel seemed very fidgety, his left leg was bobbing up and down and his hand was scratching at his chest. "Are you okay?" He asked with a slight frown.

"Yes of course, why wouldn't I be?" Castiel said, but that time he could not keep the anxiousness out of his voice. His fingers were pressing on his wrist pulse again and Sam clearly noticed.

"You seem a bit...jittery?" Sam said, but it seemed a lot more urgent than that.

"No, I'm fine" Castiel insisted as he practically jumped from his seat and grabbed his coat, yanking it off the chair. "I just have to..."

There was a clatter as the bottle of pills he'd been given fell from his pocket and rolled across the hard wooden floor. Castiel watched with wide eyes as Sam bent down to retrieve the object at his feet and studied the label. His expression soon turned from one of intrigue to one of concern as he realised exactly what the pills where for.

"Cas..." He said quietly and looked up at the former angel.

By this point Castiel's chest was starting to feel really heavy again. "No...oh no..." He gasped and before he knew it he was hyperventilating again and his cheeks felt like they were being attacked with pins and needles.

"Hey..." Sam said firmly as he strode over immediately, realising his friend was having a panic attack, and placed a hand gently on Cas' arm and an arm lightly around his waist. "Hey, it's okay, Cas. C'mon, come with me."

Castiel allowed himself to be walked away, Sam slowly guiding him toward the stairs and up and out the front door of the bunker. He didn't even notice they were outside until Sam indicated for him to sit down on the hood of the Impala. He'd been too busy filling his head with horrible outcomes, until Sam sat down beside him and started rubbing his back gently.

"Can you feel that breeze on your skin?" Sam asked gently. "There's a lot of nice fresh air out here." Cas seemed to have calmed down a little bit, but it wasn't enough, so Sam turned him ever so slightly to look him in the eye. "Can you try to follow my breathing, Cas?"

Castiel nodded and closed his eyes momentarily; concentrating on the feeling of the wind brushing over his face, air filling his lungs steadily and realising it just as tranquilly. He looked at Sam and watched the younger Winchester's chest go up and down in a sturdy rhythm. He soon found himself trying to copy it, and eventually he felt almost normal again.

"I'm sorry" Castiel whispered as he wiped his bleary eyes with the back of his hands.

"Don't be" Sam tried to assure him. "It's unlike any human to go through a lifetime without having at least one panic attack."

"This...this wasn't the first time." Castiel confessed as he played with the hem of his shirt fretfully. "Last night I... I was having these weird sensations in my chest, my arm, my head...so I went to a doctor today and she told me that I have anxiety. She gave me those pills to aid me."

"You shouldn't have had to go through that by yourself, Cas. You could have woken me or Dean" Sam said. He didn't at all sound like he was scolding Cas, but rather like he was guilty for not being there.

"I didn't want to be a burden" Castiel mumbled. "You and Dean have already done so much for me..."

"Yeah, because you're our best friend" Sam stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "That means we want to help you, and you're not being a burden at all."

Castiel took a couple of moments to process this before offering Sam a wary smile. He wasn't sure if he believed that one hundred per cent, but he was grateful for the younger Winchester being sat by his side.

"How did you know want to do?" The former angel asked, head positioned with its notorious wondering tilt.

"I use to get panic attacks sometimes when I was a kid" Sam explained with no hints of hesitance or shame; Cas wished he could be as daring. "I use to work myself up sometimes thinking about all the bad stuff that could happen to dad whilst he was on a hunt, but Dean always had a few tricks to settle me down."

"Really?" Castiel said, unable to hide the slight tone of surprise in his voice.

"Yeah, you don't want Dean to know?" Sam enquired.

"I just..." The former angel started to absentmindedly jig his leg up and down again. "He said without my powers I was a baby in a trench coat, what would he think if he found out I had anxiety too?"

"Cas, he wouldn't think any less of you" Sam replied with great certainty.

He knew Dean wasn't the most sensitive at times, but he had confidence in his brother when it came to issues such as this, especially if it concerned someone close to them.

"Well, I don't think I'm quite ready to tell him just yet" Castiel stated. "I mean, he'll probably figure it out on his own accord soon anyway."

"Whatever you think is best for you" Sam said supportively. Although he didn't like that his brother would be in the dark about their best friend's condition he knew that this was about Cas and what he needed the feel better.

"Thank you, Sam" Castiel said, allowing the whisper of a smile to appear on his lips.

"Don't mention it, Cas" the younger Winchester replied "I'm here for you."

A few minutes of silence passed as Castiel basked in the feeling of the wind brushing against his skin. His breathing was a lot more even now and any pain he'd felt had faded.

"I think I'm ready to go back inside" he eventually announced.

"Alright, I think Dean said he was going to start dinner anyways" Sam said, and they headed back inside the sanctity of the bunker.

It was a few days after his discussion with Sam that Castiel decided it was probably time to tell Dean about his anxiety. The elder Winchester seemed to have noticed that Castiel hadn't been talking much and preferred to be alone. He would shoot the former angel concerned looks when he didn't think Castiel could see, but he could always see with Dean.

Sam didn't bring anything up, which Castiel was grateful for; he just made sure that Castiel had remembered to take his medication. So far he couldn't exactly tell if the pills where having any major effect on his symptoms, so he preferred to stay up alone in his room worried he would have another freak out in front of one of the brothers.

He didn't even want to eat with them at meal times, telling Dean he wasn't hungry or didn't feel well. He just had little interest in eating when he felt he had so many more pressing things to worry about.

However, eventually his stomach started to growl at him and so he had to brave venturing into the kitchen. He paused when he saw Dean sat at the table sipping a beer and reading a newspaper. Castiel took a deep breath before striding into the room.

Dean immediately turned around and Castiel sensed that a somewhat relieved smile appeared on his face.

"Cas..."

"Hello, Dean" Castiel said, just like he always had, as if nothing had changed. There was a slightly awkward moment of silence which made Castiel feel nervous again. "I'm hungry" he blurted out, just needing to fill the void.

"Oh, well sit down, I'll make you something" Dean said as he got up and headed towards the fridge.

"You don't have to..."

"Cas, just sit" Dean insisted, his tone a mixture between firm and desperate in Castiel's opinion, so he did as he was told.

"Thank you" Castiel replied in a small voice before taking the seat Dean had previously been occupying.

"So, what's been up with you recently?" Dean asked, appearing to just want to make casual conversation.

"Well...well I..." Castiel stuttered. He had had every intention on telling Dean that day, but now that it came down to it the thought of doing so just made him feel even more anxious, and he felt like his heart was starting to clench again. "I just haven't been feeling well, stomach bug I think, but I feel better now." He felt bad for lying, but he couldn't risk another panic attack. "I'm sorry" he mumbled.

"Nothing to be sorry for, dude" Dean assured him. "You can't help being sick."

But what if I can, Cas thought, what if this anxiety is all I'm my head.

He was pulled from his distressing thoughts when Dean placed a grilled cheese sandwich down in front of him.

"Bon appetite!" Dean grinned.

"Thank you" Castiel said again and Dean waved his hand dismissively before sitting down opposite his friend and picking the newspaper up again.

Castiel nibbled at his sandwich tentatively making sure to look nowhere but at the plate.

"Hey, Cas, would you stop that?"

The former angel startled a little at the sudden appearance of Dean's stern voice and he looked up to see the hunter looking at him with an annoyed frown.

"S-stop what?" Castiel stuttered; he wasn't aware that he'd been doing anything wrong.

"Bouncing your leg up and down like that, you're shaking the whole table, man!"

"Oh…I'm sorry, Dean" Castiel muttered and forced himself to stop; now feeling very self-conscious.

He went back to eating and Dean went back to reading until he heard the hunter put the paper down on the table a little harshly.

"Cas, what did I just say!?"

Castiel dropped his sandwich and realised that he was indeed moving his leg up and down again. Dean was glaring at him now, and Castiel could feel his chest start to tighten once more. He hadn't wanted to make Dean mad.

"I'm sorry…" he said again quietly.

"Just get some control; it's damn annoying" Dean said, getting too heated now for Cas' liking.

"Yeah, well maybe I can't help it!" Castiel all but shouted before jumping from his seat and storming out of the room, leaving Dean in a dumbfounded silence.

"Cas?" Sam questioned when he realised that the former angel was upset as he walked past him to the stairs. He was ignored and so the younger Winchester decided to follow him.

When he got to Cas' room he found the former angel curled up on his side, holding his pulse, and shaking as he tried not to lose control of his breathing again. Sam hated how little he could do to try and help Cas feel better so he went and sat on the edge of the bed and waited patiently until Cas was ready to talk to him again.

"Why doesn't Dean understand?" Castiel asked, his voice broken as he tried to hold back tears. "Just telling me to stop isn't going to make it go away. Why did he have to shout?" Part of him knew that he sounded like a child, but he didn't care at that moment.

"Well for a start you haven't actually told him anything yet" Sam pointed out. "I'm sure when you do he'll be very understanding. Plus, I bet he's really sorry he yelled at you, he's probably just as concerned as I am."

"You think?" Cas sniffed.

"I know" Sam assured him.

There were a few moments of silence before Cas decided to speak up again.

"Sam?"

"Yeah, man?"

"Would you tell Dean for me?" Cas asked; he felt beyond pathetic for it but he didn't think he would be able to handle the disappointment and annoyance on Dean's face if he didn't react the way Sam thought he would.

"Sure, if that's what you want" Sam replied without trying to convince the other man otherwise; whatever was best for Cas.

Castiel nodded. "Thank you. I would like to get some rest now, if that's alright?"

"Yeah, of course" Sam said with a soft smile and then went to leave Cas in peace.

He was not surprised to find Dean pacing up and down the hall outside. His brother looked at a loss; a mixture between worry and confusion as he waited for Sam to speak.

"What's going on?" Dean demanded to know. "I know this ain't just a stomach bug. What's going on with Cas?"

"He went to the doctor's a few days ago because his chest hurt and he was having a panic attack." Sam explained and he watched sympathetically as Dean's face dropped. "She diagnosed him with anxiety."

"What?" was all Dean could think to say as he tried to let it sink in. "Why didn't he tell me?" He hated the idea of his best friend suffering without him being there to help, and now he felt extremely guilty for snapping at Cas earlier.

"He was scared that you'd be disappointed in him, that you'd get mad or something."

"But I wouldn't…" Dean started to blurt out, but he realised that he had got mad hadn't he? But he hadn't known!.. but he still could have been more tolerant. "I have to talk to him."

"Not now, he's trying to get some sleep" Sam told him. "Just, don't try to push him, Dean."

"I won't" Dean replied firmly.

He lingered by Cas' door for a moment before following Sam back down the hall.

Cas woke up after just two hours of sleep and he speculated that was the most rest he was going to get that day. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was near enough dinner time. As if on cue there was a knock on the door and after Cas called 'yeah' Dean entered carrying a tray with a bowl of soup.

"Hey, I thought you might be getting hungry."

"Yes, thank you, Dean" Cas said as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"No problem" Dean said as he set the tray down on the table beside Cas. "Listen…Sam told me about what's going on with you" he said, taking a much more softer tone than usual as he sat on the edge of the bed beside Cas.

"H-he did?" Cas said, and he almost instantly felt himself starting to panic.

"Hey, please don't get worked up about it" Dean said. "I understand, Sammy use to have panic attacks sometimes. It's not your fault, Cas. I'll always be here if you need me, and I'm really sorry about shouting at you earlier."

Castiel nodded. "Thank you, Dean."

Dean gave him a small but reassuring smile. "Any idea what may have triggered this?" he asked.

"I don't know" Castiel replied sounding frustrated with himself. "It could be a number of things. Being human is so new, being away from heaven. Sometimes I just feel really anxious and I don't know why."

Dean nodded. "Okay, and that was really awesome how you were able to tell me that."

Castiel's eyes widened as if just realising what he had just done. His fingers flew to his wrist once more as his chest started to tighten.

"I'll be right back" Dean said as he noticed his friend's discomfort.

Castiel tried to hold himself back from having another panic attack as he waited for Dean to return. When he did, he was carrying one of the strange instruments Cas had seen hanging around the doctor's neck.

"I knew we had one in the medical supplies somewhere" Dean said as he sat down where he had before. "I used this with Sammy, use to make him feel a bit better."

"What is it?" Castiel asked nervously.

"It's a stethoscope" Dean explained. "You use it to listen to your heartbeat." Castiel's interest was piqued as he watched Dean place to two buds in his ears. "Now ,I'm gunna put this on your chest, okay?" he said showing Castiel the round end. "It may be a little cold, but it's not going to hurt, I promise."

Castiel tensed a little when Dean placed the circular part on his chest, but Dean had not tried to deceive him. He waited as he watched Dean's brow furrow in concentration.

"Sounds very regular to me" Dean told him. "A beat a second. You wanna hear?"

Castiel nodded as he succumbed to curiosity. Dean handed him the ear-tips and held the chest piece stable. The former angel's eyes widened in astonishment as he heard the soft thrum of his heart, the heart which now belonged to him. He timed it, and just as Dean said there was a beat per second.

"As normal as anything" Dean said again. "Now, listen to mine." He moved the chest piece over his own heart and Castiel listened out for his soft thumping.

"It sounds exactly the same as mine" he said with amazement.

"Exactly" Dean said with a soft smile. "So no need to keep holding your pulse. I know it must feel like something is wrong sometimes, but you just have to remind yourself that anxiety plays cruel tricks on you like that, and you can't let it win."

"This was very insightful" Castiel said, allowing a whisper of a smile to grace his lips for the first time in a long while. "Thank you, Dean."

"You're welcome, buddy" Dean said as he took back the stethoscope. "Now, eat your soup before it gets cold."

Castiel felt a lot more at ease seeing how understanding Dean was. He wasn't mad at all and he felt bad for ever thinking he would be.

Dean stayed with him the whole time he ate, just talking about trivial things like what he'd done that day, and Cas would be forever grateful for it.

When Castiel came downstairs a few mornings later he found the Winchester brother's in hushed conversation near the entrance of the bunker.

"I don't know if this is a good idea Sam…"

"Dean, it's at least a two man hunt."

"I know, but I don't like the thought of Cas being left here on his own, and I don't know if he's ready to come with us."

"Well then you've presented yourself with a dilemma." Sam argued. "Or, you know, we could just actually ask Cas what he wants to do…"

"You should go" Castiel let his presence be known. The brother's whipped around to face him; Sam gave him a soft smile and Dean seemed somewhat embarrassed. "I'll be fine. I'll probably just look through the library some more."

"Are you sure?" Dean asked with worried eyes.

"Yes" Castiel insisted. He didn't want the brother's to think he was incapable of taking care of himself.

"Great" Sam said as he flung his bag over his shoulder. "You can call us if you need anything; we'll be home later tonight. Come on, mother hen" he added with a nudge to his brother.

"Promise you will call?" Dean asked with a frim gaze at Castiel.

"I promise" Cas replied and then tilted his head to the side. "How exactly do you resemble poultry?"

"Oh, he's always been a bit chicken" Sam said with a mischievous grin, and Cas was left confused as Dean chased his younger brother out the door.

A couple of hours later and Cas had prepared himself a sandwich for his lunch as was flicking through some rather interesting lore he'd found on Wendigo's.

He didn't know why, but something just didn't feel right in his chest again. His leg started bobbing up and down and his fingers itched to hold his pulse, but he kept reminding himself what Dean had said with the stethoscope and he managed to resist.

What if he was about to have another panic attack? Sam and Dean weren't here to calm him down. No, he needed to prove that he could cope on his own; he couldn't expect them to always be there when he wanted them. He took a few deep but shaky breaths and tried to concentrate on the words in front of him but they had suddenly just become one big blur.

"No, stop it" he whispered to himself as he started to scratch at his chest. There were now long red marks covering the whole area from where his nails had been.

In his attempt to prevent the onslaught of a full blown panic attack Castiel soon found that his whole body was shaking. It's fine, you're fine, everything is fine…but what if it's not? Sam and Dean are so far away, what is something serious happens to you and they can't help…

"No, just stop!" Castiel burst out loud and stood up from his seat.

He practically ran to his bedroom and buried himself under the covers squeezing his eyes shut and shaking profusely.

"You're okay, you're okay…" he kept whispering to himself.

He knew he had promised to call he felt the need but he couldn't expect Sam and Dean to just drop everything to help him, that wasn't fair. Instead, Castiel remained hidden under his sheets, shaking and just waiting for them the return.

It felt more like days rather than hours until he heard the front door of the bunker open. Eager to see his friends after ages of feeling nothing but fear, Castiel stood up with very shaky legs and made his way to greet them.

Dean must have known something was wrong the instant he saw Cas as he seemed to cross the room in only a few strides and he was right by his friend's side.

"Cas, what is? What's wrong?"

"I…I…"

He wanted to say everything was okay now that he had returned, but he couldn't. He couldn't string the words together and he couldn't stop shaking. Then, Castiel did the last thing he – and apparently Dean- expected him to do; he started to cry.

"Oh, Cas" Dean said quietly as he wrapped him up in a protective embrace that only an older brother could give. "Ssh, it's alright, we're here now."

Castiel buried his head in Dean's shoulder and gripped the back of his shirt tightly. He hated how scared he felt, how pathetic he thought he was being. He wasn't even sure what had triggered his anxiety this time, and that just made him feel even more ridiculous.

"Have you taken your pill today, Cas?" Sam asked. The former angel shook his head and the younger Winchester left to get them for him.

"Come and sit down" Dean said gently as he guided Cas to go and sit at the table with him.

Castiel managed to get his tears under control as Dean sat opposite him and patiently waited for him to speak.

"I'm sorry" Castiel mumbled.

"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for" Dean said firmly, placing a comforting hand on Cas' knee. "Like I said, Sam and I will always help you, whatever you need."

"I'm just so sick and tired of it, Dean" Castiel said as he met Dean's eyes with a somewhat pained expression. "I just want to feel like I can breathe again."

Dean's expression fell into one not of pity but of sorrow. He wished that there was more that he could do for his friend and he hated the thought of Cas always feeling like he was in some kind of pain. It made him feel so powerless.

"It'll get better, Cas" the older Winchester finally replied. "I promise you that."

The grateful smile Castiel gave him in return only broke his heart further.

"Here you go, Cas" Sam said as he entered the room and handed the smaller man a pill and a bottle of water.

"Thank you, Sam" Castiel said.

"Right, how about I make us some dinner?" Dean suggested with a smile after Cas had consumed his medication. "What do you fancy, Cas? You can pick."

Castiel thought for a moment. "I would like some more of that soup. It was very delicious."

"Soup it is" Dean said, clapping his hands together and then heading into the kitchen.

There was a tense moment of silence between Sam and Castiel. The former angel shuffled in his chair uncomfortably.

"I know what you want to say" he mumbled.

Sam let out a sad sigh. "You haven't been taking your pills, Cas. The bottle was still practically full. I didn't want to worry Dean but…"

"They don't work" Castiel replied a little heatedly.

"Medication usually takes time to have an effect, Cas" Sam explained calmly. "They will help you feel better, but stuff like anxiety has a lot to do with self-coping mechanisms too."

"I know" Castiel sniffed. "But mentally, they make me feel even weaker."

"Yeah, I get that too" Sam said. "But I promise you there really isn't any shame in it, Cas. If they mean you're in better health than it's worth it."

Castiel mused over this for a moment and then nodded. "Okay, I will take them from now on. I swear."

"Good" Sam replied with pleased smile.

Castiel didn't come out of his room for two days after that. Dean would leave food outside his room but he was always disheartened when he returned a few hours later and found the plate still full. He and Sam took turns knocking on the locked door and trying to coax Cas out, but the former angel showed them no sign of acknowledgment. By day three Dean was beyond worried.

"Cas, just please let us know that you're okay" the hunter begged as he rested his forehead on the door. "At least let us know you're god damn alive."

He almost did a double take when he heard a lock being undone and feet shuffling back across the wooden floor. Dean let out a sigh of relief when he tried the handle and the door started to move open.

Castiel had already returned to his bed lying on top of the covers and looking blankly at the wall opposite him. Dean didn't know what he would do if it turned out that Cas had depression too, so he knew he had to do something to take his friend's mind off things, and fast.

"Hey, I was wondering If you wanted to go for a walk and get a little fresh air? Maybe we could even go into town and have dinner out tonight?" Dean suggested as he cautiously approached the bed.

"I don't want to go outside" Castiel mumbled into the pillow as he rolled onto his stomach.

Dean sighed. "Why not? It'll do you some good."

"There are even more things for me to get anxious about outside" Castiel replied dully.

"You know, that might be true, but I've seen you face demons and monsters out there Cas and you didn't even flinch" Dean reminded him. "So, I believe that you can face whatever is out there and you can battle whatever is happening inside you too."

"You really have that much faith in me?" Castiel asked quietly.

"Duh! That's what we keep telling you. You'll always be our angel, Cas"

"Thank you, Dean" Castiel said with a teary smile.

"No problem, buddy. You just gotta relax. Here, let me try something else…" Dean said.

He placed his hands on Cas' shoulders and pushed his thumbs down at the base of the smaller man's neck.

"How does that feel?" he asked.

"Hurts" Castiel grunted.

"Well that's because anxiety creates stress…" Dean explained as he slowly started to massage Cas' shoulders. "Which means your muscles get tense."

Castiel didn't even question what Dean was doing or why he was doing it, all he knew was that this was the most relaxed he'd felt in days. When Dean pressed the heel of his palm into his back and started to rub it up and down and Castiel couldn't hold back a sigh of content.

"This feels wonderful, Dean"

"Yeah, well don't get weird about it" Dean warned him "and don't ever tell Sam either."

A couple of hours later and Castiel agreed to go out for dinner with Dean. He knew that massaging his back had been way out of Dean's comfort zone so it was the least he could do in return, and the hunter's face had lit up when he said he would go. Sam decided he would come too and they had soon headed out to a diner Dean had always liked the look of.

Once they arrived the three men took a booth in the corner and started to study the menu. Castiel had started to absentmindedly scratch at his chest again – maybe it was because he found the pain brought him a little relief and distraction.

They were eventually approached by a very bored looking teen who said he would be their waiter, but he looked like he would rather be anywhere else in the world. He frowned at Castiel.

"No offense, dude, but if you were a chick I'd be seeing full on cleavage right now".

Castiel frowned back at him and then realised what he was referring too. The former angel blushed as he sheepishly removed his hand from his now stretched t-shirt.

"Well maybe you should just stop staring" Dean growled.

"I'm sorry. I have anxiety" Castiel felt the need to explain himself.

The teen scoffed. "Anxiety" he said under his breath.

"Oh, what's that supposed to mean?" Dean said placing a clenched fist on the table and glaring at the kid.

"Dean…." Sam said lowly in warning.

"Well it's just…come on it's not a real issue. I try to use that one to get out of class all the time, but most of my professors don't see it as a problem either."

"Alright listen here…" Dean almost yelled as he stood up and towered over the teen.

"Dean, that's enough!" Sam exclaimed as he held his brother back. "Come on, let's just go somewhere else."

Dean glared daggers at the teen as they shuffled passed and headed out the door.

"Why that ignorant little…" the elder Winchester started to rant as soon as they were outside. "You should have let me sock him one."

"Yeah and then you'd have been arrested for assault, good idea" Sam added sarcastically.

"It would have been worth it to see his smug…"

"Dean" Sam said firmly and then jolted his head to the side discreetly to indicate to Cas.

The former angel had been quiet through the whole incident and now he was walking beside them with his arms wrapped around himself and looking down at the floor with tearful eyes.

"Hey, you okay, buddy?" Dean asked – a lot calmer now – as he placed an arm around Cas' shoulder.

"Was what he said true?" Castiel replied, ignoring the question. "Am I just being weak and getting worked up about nothing?"

"No, Cas, of course not" Dean said as he squeezed his friend's shoulder.

"Anxiety is a serious condition that affects lots of people in lots of different ways" Sam explained. "People shouldn't expect you to just stop. You wouldn't ask someone with a physical illness to just stop. Anxiety should be no different."

"Except, maybe try to stop scratching yourself" Dean said gently as he eyed the red marks littering Cas' skin. "We don't like to see you hurting yourself, buddy."

Castiel nodded and wiped his eyes before he looked up. "I will try. Thank you, both of you. I don't know how I would have coped all this time if you had not been there. I don't know how I could ever repay you…"

"There's no need. That's what friends are for, Cas" Sam said with a reassuring smile.

"Okay, enough with the chick-flick stuff" Dean said as he clapped his brother on the back. "Let's go find some grub!"

About a week later and Cas was doing the best he had in a long time. He was taking his medication as prescribed and he hadn't had a panic attack for a couple of weeks. Hunts had been slow and so he'd been able to spend a lot of time with Sam and Dean watching movies and educating himself on pop culture. It was a nice, relaxed environment, and Cas found he didn't even feel the need to shake his leg up and down anymore or scratch his chest. Things were going good.

Sam had come home from a supply run one night and given him a journal. He said that if Cas was going to be a hunter with them someday he deserved his own journal, but he didn't have to write about hunts, he could use it to write whatever he wanted. Cas loved the look and the feel of the leather-bound book and had thanked Sam extensively for the gift.

That evening Dean was trying to teach Cas to play some sort of card game that the former angel was struggling to keep up with when Sam came practically came bounding over to them.

"Hey, I think we have a hunt!"

Dean sighed and lay back in his chair as he threw the cards down on the table. "Well, I guess vacation is over."

"Don't worry it's just a salt and burn." Sam said.

"We should go, then" Castiel said as he stood up.

"Whoa, Cas, are you sure?" Dean asked.

"Yes" Castiel shrugged. "You can't deny my state has significantly improved recently, Dean. I feel that I'm ready to go on a hunt."

"If you wanna come with us, you can come, Cas" Sam said.

"You don't leave my side, though" Dean warned him.

"Yes, Dean" Castiel replied like a reluctant teenager, though he appreciated his friend's protectiveness.

"C'mon, let's go" Sam said with a smirk as he picked up their supplies.

A couple of hours of later – after some in-depth research and investigation on Sam's part – the three men arrived at the appropriate cemetery. Sam and Dean proceeded to dig up the grave whist Castiel stood guard with a gun loaded with rock salt. Dean had been giving him lessons (sort of) in the gun range they had at the bunker and now Castiel felt a lot more confident handling the loaded weapon.

Sam had just pulled the lid off the coffin when the temperature abruptly seemed to drop a significant amount of degrees and all of a sudden the screaming spirit appeared out of nowhere and headed straight for Dean.

"Dean!" Castiel called out, but the ghost had already managed to fling the older Winchester back across the ground.

Castiel took a shot and hit the spirit right in the back of her head. She screamed and disappeared, which gave Sam enough time to throw salt over her bones and then set them alight.

"Dean, are you alright?" Castiel asked as he hurried over to his friend.

There was a groan as Dean propped himself up on his elbows and looked up at Cas with slightly dazed eyes. The angel gasped and then placed his hands over his mouth as he tried to hold back a laugh. Dean, having the luck that he did, had landed face first in a pile of mud and he was absolutely covered in the stuff. Castiel tried to hold himself together but he soon burst out laughing.

By this point Sam had joined them and he too couldn't resist a laugh at his brother's expense, but it was Cas' reaction which he found the most amusing. He didn't think he'd ever heard the angel laugh before and it made him happy to see his friend so carefree and actually finding humour in something after weeks of nothing but fear.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up you dick bags" Dean said as he sat up and wiped his face with his sleeves, but even he couldn't help but smirk at Cas' amusement. "Is one of you gunna give me a hand up or what?"

Sam offered to help his brother but Dean stubbornly did it by himself anyway. Castiel had finally managed to get control over himself, having no idea what had come over him, but any signs of his anxiety were long forgotten.

When they had returned to the bunker later on Cas was sat at the table with his journal watching with a small smile on his face as Dean tried to prepare dinner but at the same time was bickering with Sam about the fact they were having burgers again.

"You need vegetables Dean!"

"Rabbit food…I'd much rather eat the rabbit!"

"How many times do I have to tell you? A balanced diet…"

The argument faded into Castiel's subconscious as he opened the first page of his journal and started to write:

I knew that falling to earth wouldn't be easy ,and when I was diagnosed with anxiety it turned out to be even harder, but I've also learnt a lot of things, one of the most important being that family does indeed not end in blood, and it is these people who can help you feel better in the long run.

I suppose I'm writing this as a reminder to myself, but if anyone else I knew had anxiety and wanted to learn ways in which to cope from my own experiences, then this is what I would tell them…

Thank you so much if you stuck with this at the end!

I want to make the point that anxiety and panic attacks should be considered just as difficult to cope with as some other mental disorders, and if anyone who suffers from anxiety or has any questions after reading this then PLEASE feel free to leave a comment or PM me and I will find some way to talk to you :)

Thank you so much again for reading my rambling!

Love ya :) xx