Okay. So This is my first English fanfiction ever.
English isn't my first language but I tried my best and I've got some wonderful help to find (hopefully) every mistake that was in there.
This is dedicated to Sadie.
"Someday my pain
Will mark you"
– Bon Iver | The Wolves (Act I & II)
It happened on a Wednesday. The winter was already there and the inside of the Impala was freezing cold because the heater broke in the battle with a few demons an hour ago. Well, maybe 'few', was the wrong word.
"I told you not to go there alone!"
Dean was seriously pissed with the injured angel that was lying across the backseat. He didn't gave him any response, he didn't even look at the Hunter.
"Damn it, Cas! There were hundreds of them why did you do that? You knew you couldn't handle them all alone! And don't give me the I'm-an-angel-of-the-fucking-lord speech, that isn't going to work."
He looked into the rear mirror at Cas. He didn't move at all. Hell, was he even breathing?
"Hey, do you hear me? "
The voice a little bit softer this time, he tried to talk to him again. Without any success. Cas was still just lying there, looking onto the ceiling of the Impala, trying to shut his surrounding out. Eyes closed, his hands turning into fists, grabbing onto the blood wrenched trench coat he was wearing.
Dean didn't tried to speak to him again. Thinking about what might've happened to the angel in there when he was outside, fighting. He didn't saw how Cas disappeared into the Building , neither did he said something to Dean about leaving and fighting out on his own.
The silence in the old classy car was terrible.
Here and there some painful sounds out of Cas's mouth because of his injuries that seemed to be much worse than Dean thought. But one thing didn't leave his mind.
'Why didn't he just healed himself'
He doesn't understand the whole thing.
Cas turned up this morning, changed. He carried an exhausted look on his face with dark circles under his eyes. He didn't want to talk about it, was keen to change the conversation subject.
He told him about the demon nest out in Clarksville where they were currently settling in another sloppy motel. Cases were rare since a few months ago, so the Winchesters split up to have more chance on finding something to work on. Sam didn't make it in time to catch up with Cas and Dean so they did the mission alone. Stupid Idea.
After another hour in the car, they reached the Motel and Dean shut the motor of his beloved car off.
He turned around to take a look at Cas, which didn't changed his position the whole time. He was clearly worried about his feathery friend.
He stepped out of the car and opened the door of the backseat, just to see how Cas was still lying there.
"Oh man.. look at you you stupid son of a bitch.."
He shoved his hands under the blood covered angel and lifted him up onto his feet. Once he reached the ground he went limp against Dean, using the other body as a pillar.
Dean struggled with his mind to carry him all the way up but got cut by Castiels movements and his trial to stand on his own feet.
"I can walk."
"Yeah I can totally see that, because you aren't injured or something, right?"
Not even looking at Dean, he turned away from him, walking straight to their motel room.
"Why don't you just zap yourself into that fucking room Cas?!"
Making an annoyed sound and cursing under his breath he opened the trunk to take his duffle bag and followed Cas into the Motel room. Throwing the bag onto his bed, he eyed the room. Cas was gone.
'Did he zapped himself away? But why didn't he do it earlier? '
Going to the tiny kitchen in the room to get a cold beer he heard shower sounds coming out of the bathroom. What the hell was wrong with him, he never saw Cas taking a shower. Something was wrong. Terrible wrong, and Dean knew it. He just couldn't tell what it was. First that thing this morning. The looks on his face. The barley talking thing.
Leaving his beer on the table he made his way to the bathroom door, knocking against it.
"Cas? What are you doing in there, what's wrong?"
Getting no answer, just another silence minutes, he fought with himself to go in there, to take a look if everything was alright. He was concerned. Why isn't the angel talking to him?
"I hope you better not locked the door, cause if you did, I have to break it."
Silence.
Okay, this was everything but alright.
"Okay, you know what. I'm tired of playing your little shit ignorance game."
The door handle in his hand, he tried to open the door. It wasn't locked.
"Lucky me.."
He took a look into the motel bathroom and right into the shower, where Cas was standing.
The water was turned on, and he stood in the shower. With all his clothes on. He didn't even took them off before he started the shower. Cas face was turned against that wall, and his forehead leaned against the cold wall. It didn't seem to care the angel. His arms were hanging without any movement against his body, and his injury caused the water to turn red.
"Jeez, Cas, what are you doing?!"
The hunter walked right in front of the shower and grabbed the angel a little bit too harsh by the shoulder to turn him around to face him.
What he saw scared him.
The look on his face was even more tired then this morning. He didn't even look Dean in the eyes, it seemed that he looked right through him. The look on his face was empty, haunted and it scared Dean. It scared the hell out of him, because he never saw a look like this on Cas face before.
Not even thinking about what he was doing, he put his palm on Cas forehead and let go of his shoulder, just to soften the hold on his arm.
"Why the hell won't you talk to me Cas? Whats wrong? You are scaring the shit out of me! Look at you!"
Not turning away the eyes from his he let his hand slid from his forehead, to rest it on his other shoulder.
Getting no answer from him, he sighed. Not knowing what to do anymore, he freed Cas out of his Trench coat.
"You can't take a shower with all your damn clothes on, you idiot.. it won't help like this and you have that bloody misery on your god damn body that I have to take care of, so don't panic okay. "
Trying to lighten up the mood, he took off Cas Suit jacket and began to open the first few buttons of his shirt.
'Jesus Christ, I'm unclothing Cas, what am I doing here?!'
Without any warning he felt two pair of hands grabbing after his arms to pull the hunter in a heavy embrace. Shocked by the sudden movement by the angel, feeling how his cold hands wandered uneasy over Deans back, searching for a place to hold on. Grabbing here and there, only to realize that he can't find anything to hold onto. Cas hands were shaking hard and he pulled him closer to him, if that was even possible.
He leaned his forehead weakly against Deans neck. His body was completely tensed and every muscle inside of him was clenched.
"What the hell… What's wrong with you.. Don't be like this, you're so strong Cas, don't come along like that… "
Dean wanted to let go of the angel, but he couldn't. This whole situation hurt him. Seeing Cas like this, knowing nothing about what's going on. The fact that he didn't talked to him, it was all too much.
Returning the tight embrace, he put his hands around the broken thing that was standing in front of him. He never thought of seeing Cas like that. Never thought of seeing him having a nervous breakdown like that.
One hand on his neck and one on his back he offered him silent words of comfort, trying to understand what was going on inside of him.
Hearing a single sound that came close to a sob, Dean tensed, too. His eyes wide with shock he slid his hand gentle up and down on Cas back, reaching a spot which felt wounded, thinking of this might be the wound of the fight today, he took a look at it.
Lifting his head a little bit so he could see over his shoulder onto his back he saw something that he didn't want to see. Hell, didn't even want to think of what it might be.
If it was the thing he thought of, then it was clear why the angel was in this horrible condition. The open wound wasn't just one. No. It was two. They looked like someone ripped something out of his back. Something really important. He knew now why he threw himself in that building full of demons, without barely any action of a fight. It was a suicide mission for him. He didn't need to say it, he could feel it.
Hugging the angel tighter, he took a stronger hold on his neck. He clenched his fingers into Cas shirt, so that his fingers turned white from the pressure. Trying to share the pain the angel was carrying.
He never wanted that to happen to Cas, he didn't even knew why it happened, or if they were the reason it happened. But just thinking about losing this stubborn, loving, unique angel tore him apart and sent a sting right through his chest just by the thought of it.
"Too much heart was always Castiels problem."
Samandriel once said.
Hearing the silent sobs of Cas continue he just stand there, holding him. He gave him something to hold on after he had lost something that was so important to him. That was a part of him for so long. That maybe didn't made him feel lost. Dean couldn't knew how he felt. It was a feeling that he can't comprehend to. He can relate it to other things, of course. But it'll never be the same.
He tried to lift the angels head to look him in the eye, to tell him that everything was going to be alright. But Cas tensed himself even more up and pressed is face even more against Deans neck. Scared that Dean got to see the ashamed and broken look again. So he just stood there. Holding onto the last thing he hadn't loose so far.
"I fell, Dean..."