fandom:
Neon Genesis Evangelion
title: believe in me one more
time.
pairing: Shinji + Misato
rating: pg
description –
After a disturbing dream, Misato wants to leave the apartment, but
Shinji stands in her way…
disclaimer - Neon Genesis Evangelion has always held a special place in my heart since I was a teenager, which is why although it doesn't belong to me (but Gainax), I continue to sporadically write for it. The poem, however, is mine.
Each step taken,
a heart beat, lost.
Time ticked in my veins,
away to nowhere
and back with the same #'s
but a moment unable to return.
I wanted to look back,
to turn back to see what
had happened in my absence,
but there was no time
when the sky opened before me
with its stars and the moon
swallowing everything
in its midst,
I transformed slowly,
but I felt your eyes
watching in amazement
and horror,
unable to move forward.
I could no longer hear you
because you were
far behind
and I had so much
more to go,
my feet bleeding
while everything
else was stunning
in its picturesque feel.
I was still pulled
into that gravity
surprising me
with a strength, you never
showed me you had
until that day I wanted to surely die.
believe in me one more time.
by miyamoto yui
Looking up to the wide sky, I always seemed to plead to God for something I couldn't have. Always wishing for something that couldn't ever come back.
Wanting to understand everything to the best of my ability.
The sky opens and it is truly amazing. The intense blue after the sudden rain makes the clouds more gorgeous than the cotton puffs they already are. I keep on thinking, "How pretty!!" even though there is a prick in my heart that could never to be taken out no matter how much Mother tries.
Suddenly, the sky becomes rainbow colors, but backwards. And it stops on red.
The world is flooding before I know what is happening and I am shaking and crying until Father shows up to take me into his large, wide hands.
You are bleeding from the outside and I am from the inside as you push me into that capsule.
"Never take this off," your eyes tell me. "You are my only one."
And all I can do is feel the tears burn on my eyelids. My mouth opens but I can't speak.
Ironically, my father is the same one who patted my head when I was playing on the swings, and said to me, "You have to be good to other people. Always smile. The one that betrays you may be the one that will save you someday."
His eyes silently looked up at our apartment on the third floor.
Of course, I didn't understand.
The second before he is out of my sight, his eyes grin at me, saying, "Misato, believe in me one more time."
I cry even harder when I notice his blood on me.
"WHY?!" I hear my own voice cry out inhumanly.
I shake my head before the cold breeze hits my whole body in its silent blow.
I turn over in my futon and cling onto the pillow. I feel very humiliated, especially since I left the window wide open. I hoped no one heard me.
I have tried so hard to be strong at all times.
I never talk while I sleep, so when I rarely do, I wake myself up instantly.
My heart is beating so fast that I can almost feel it touch the pillow I hold closely to my body. And the tears I promised I'd never allow myself to cry, touch the pillow before I comprehend logically what was happening.
I know better than to ask myself why these 'dreams' never go away. But the absolute quietness makes me feel even lonelier. Like a child, I want to be held and told that it would be all right. But being an 'adult', my pride won't let me.
So, maybe I had known this would happen and decided to sleep on the ground with my futon than on the bed tonight. I always feel a little better whenever I sleep in that beige futon, though I never knew why until I recalled the look of my father's long face in the dream as he gazed at our apartment building,
at my mother cooking with a wide smiling face, nodding her head to some music (most probably since she loved to listen to the records my father gave her) by the window.
I immediately get out of bed though the Somy clock reads "2:37". It sucks that it's my day off and I can't go back to sleep.
I start to fold my comforter with sleepy, downcast eyes.
There is a part of us that we won't ever understand. Even when we grow up, we will still look up to our parent to save us, just like the lover that we can't see to get rid of because they are the love of our lives.
Is it really a bond of love mixed with the same source of blood created in our veins? Is it the human condition to constantly want to become close to another person?
It seems harsh, but it seems so true at the same time.
I put the light pink comforter to one side of the room and stare at the futon I've lifted up between both of my hands. I squeeze it and stare listlessly. Gravely.
My body is so heavy from the dream and last night's drinking session. I only drank because the intense sun and the coldness of the autumn breeze reminded me of when I first met Kaji in college.
So, because of the heaviness that's clinching my heart so much it's becoming painful to breathe, I know that I won't be able to return to bed at all.
I have to leave. NOW.
Almost violently, I fold the futon. I try to breathe as calmly as I can.
No matter how many times I have asked this question, I come to a blank. Then, the only option seems this: Forgiveness.
Is it of myself? Is it of him?
Is it that I can't seem to live with the guilt that the more independent I become, the more dependent I want to be of someone else?
After all this time and all the things I've lived through,
am I still so very weak?
I wipe my eyes of the tears I can't seem to stop once they've started to remember memories I've been pushing so much to get over. I head to the bathroom to quickly wash my face and brush my teeth.
When I come back to my room, I glance out the window. It's so dark and the clouds look like they want to let go of themselves.
I wonder what I must look right now when I am like this.
My eyes turn to the small white mirror on the wall as I cross my arms to take off my lavender, stripped tanktop. Reflecting back at me, I catch a glimpse of the solemn, faraway face Father always gave. I take off my shirt and change as fast as I can.
I look at the direction towards Shinji's room as I put my socks on.
Am I by myself whenever I push myself emotionally away? But we, as people, are meant to be misunderstood and to misunderstand one another. You can never become close to another person because they are still a separate being.
It is amazingly wonderful and sad that way.
In the end, all I can do is try to smile, but I don't dare to look into my reflection as I head towards my door.
At that moment, Shinji opens the door and the hall that I left dark is now flooding its light into my room. Shinji's shadow touches the bottom of my feet.
Was I so into my thoughts again that I didn't hear him knock?
The world is spinning round inside my heart even though my head instantly wakes up crisp and clear like the air blowing through my room, knowing Shinji will refuse to leave the threshold until I give him some kind of explanation.
But because I want to remain the most important and trustful inside those deep brown eyes, I can't lie to him. I don't want to explain it though…
"You have school later." I urge. "You should go back to your room, Shinji-kun."
You have tests later too in Nerv, I can't seem to say.
There are two dialogues going on inside of me. Funny, how now I regret drinking all that wine and beer yesterday. Drinking always makes me dream more intensely, especially when I am tired, but I could still function since my poor body was used to it.
But the more I stay with him, I would think that drunkenness would make me say the things I shouldn't say, except instead, they make me more self-conscious.
I realize I didn't drink as much as I wanted last night.
Or have I not really learned to let myself go yet?
How…typically me.
"You were crying…" he quietly says while watching the ground. "…for a long time while you were sleeping."
"Oh?" I answer nonchalantly, not wanting him to be too troubled by my problems.
The unsolvable ones.
In reality, all I want to do is open up and tell you everything…
…but you will think differently of me, won't you? Even I can't face myself if you treat me differently, Shinji.
"Really loudly." He blurts out innocently. His eyes slowly look up into mine, and his mouth half opens with his two front teeth showing out of concern.
He is resisting from wanting to say more.
I notice now that he's grown a bit taller.
Did something happen? he wants to say. Shinji is only 14. If an adult can't bring things up, why would you expect a 14-year-old to? Because they haven't experienced enough of life yet?
Because they have nothing to lose by asking?
Half out of experience and half out of relief, I walk towards him and curve my lips a bit. I reach out my hand towards his warm cheek and hold it for a moment. "Thank you, but don't worry so much about me. I'm used to it."
His cheeks turn red and I laugh, wanting to return to that time I was like that and feeling honored that he could feel that way towards someone like me. It is moments like these that make me feel ashamed of myself, alarmed by Ritsuko's warnings and nervous at the things I once joked about.
Affection takes on many forms, not always the ones we expect them to be.
I wish you were older to understand me. But I don't want you to grow up to understand pain like this either. Stay like that a little while longer.
But I want you to be stronger than me too.
When I let go, he steps away from the threshold not knowing what to say, but when I turn my head away, he grabs my right hand and holds it firmly.
I stop walking. I am overwhelmed by the contrast of his grip and the gentleness of his voice.
"Take me with you."
It is not said in desperation to know what is happening inside of me. He says it firmly and determined.
It is in a way to reassure me things will be all right.
I close my eyes and gulp. I stop breathing and I feel a genuine, deep smile of happiness that is hurting my face…
…maybe thanking the same God I'd been cursing for making me experience that memory of Father over and over again.
My eyes look down at the silver cross.
Shinji steps forward and walks past me, warmly still holding onto my hand. I watch his stern profile and he nods at me to signal, "Let's go."
I grip back and for a moment, I catch a glimpse of a delighted smile I'd never seen on his face before. His eyes are half closed with his teeth showing.
I didn't take you in because you were alone. I took you in selfishly because I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted to believe in you so I tried my best to be the person who would be precious in your eyes. Yes, this is my weakness. This is what Kaji understood, but knew he couldn't handle.
It was so pure.
I tried hard not to put any of this burden on you, but I wanted you to hear all the things I couldn't say.
I didn't know you were listening to all those hidden words all this time…
Hand-in-hand, we walk down the stairs and to the car. Driving out to the hill that overlooked Tokyo-3, the same one I brought him to when he first came here and the one I continued to always visit by myself long after, we stare at the dark green hills and the fog that clings onto them.
Yet, when we get out of the car to look out at the blinking red lights and the random white ones, I take a deep breath of the fresh air.
Eagerly, I look out at breathtaking Tokyo, the city we wanted to protect not because we were born here, but the one we made many good memories inside of. And no matter how much damage it took, it still stood so tall as a hope to everyone that we could survive the worst.
Because the worst was, after all, the ugliness of ourselves and
killing others because of our inacceptance of it.
I had tried to hide that for so long, but he wouldn't let me. Even though he knew his own faults and he was scared more than anyone because he had the most responsibility of protecting everything,
even disregarding my orders at certain times…
I look at the hand that is holding onto mine, interlocking its fingers into my own, and giving me the strength I don't think he even know he possesses.
…he could still proudly hold me like the person I've always longed to be next to.
Bittersweetly, you were growing up in ways I didn't notice. And I was growing to love you in a way I shouldn't have…
"Will you still do this with me long after all this is done, I wonder…" I joke, putting all of my hope into it as well. My heart cringes as my own honesty.
"I don't know what will happen, Misato," he replies in a calm, yet uncertain voice.
But he turns to face me with intense eyes. "But just continue to believe in me."
Overcome with mixed emotions, I smile like I did that day before the sky opened to bring destruction. When had I begun noticing that the world was truly beautiful again?
Leaning towards him with my eyes closed, I kiss his cheek with all the wishes I learned to forget when I grew up.
"Thank you."
Through you, one more time, I will believe in this world.
Owari.
Author's note – I must say that I was very afraid to watch the new Eva movie "You are (not) Alone." I only wanted to see it because "Beautiful World" was one Utada Hikaru song (and I love to sing her songs all the time) that really drew me in because it talked about a universal kind of love that touched people rather than her usual songs that talked about only two people.
I knew Eva would capture me again. Now, ten years later, it continues to teach me things that I've hidden or have yet to learn about others and myself. Although I am still the Rei type of personality, I couldn't believe that years later I would truly understand Misato's character. Maybe it's because I'm now her age in the anime.
That's why I have written her here. I wanted to write a Misato that found herself and a Shinji that 'grew up' into a man before she had realized what was happening.
I always loved this couple, so thank you for reading. I hope that it touched you as much as I poured into it.
Love always,
miyamoto yui
10/5/2008 8:28:45 AM – LA
10/6/08 12:28 AM - Tokyo