Title: Shades of Forgiveness
Author: Jemma
Story Status: Complete
Series/Sequel Info: Sequel to I Should Have Known
Season: Three
Spoilers: A Hundred Days, Shades of Grey
Categories: Angst, UST, Romance
Pairings: Sam and Jack
Rating: T
Content Warnings: Bit of swearing...not quite as bad as the last one! And best of all...sappiness!!!!!!!
Summary: Set after Shades of Grey. Sam and Jack have to deal with the events of the past few weeks...sooner or later.
Archive Permissions: Please ask
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters relating to Stargate. They belong to MGM and any of their associates. I'm just playing around with them for a little while! I also don't own the song - Why Do I Love You. Westlife and their buddies do.
Authors Note: Ok, the sequel!!! This is for Elizabeth, Minda, Starbuck, Pheral, Hoodat, (and anyone else who sends me any feedback after I've written this!!)...Thank you for the lovely feedback guys! You saved Jack from an eternity of skulking in the locker room!! Happy reading...

SGSGSGSGSGSG

'No Carter. I haven't been acting like myself since I met you. Now I'm acting like myself.'

Those words haunt and taunt me as he explains to us it was all a hoax to flush out the NID's secret operatives. When I stood there looking at him, listening to those words, I couldn't help but regret all the things I had said to him in the locker room. I did mean them, but a part of me just wishes things could go back to the way they were, before Adora.

We're sitting in the commissary. The Colonel got back a couple of hours ago, had a really long debriefing and then was finally allowed to come and explain everything to us; his team-mates and his friends.

He's in the middle of describing how he thumped this guy back on the planet, sending him flying...apparently...when Teal'c interrupts.
'Forgive me O'Neill, but I must retire for Kel'No'Reem.'
'Sure thing big guy.'

Teal'c stands, bows his head and leaves.
We sit in silence for a moment, Daniel dipping his finger in his coffee, the Colonel destroying a napkin and me...me feeling really uncomfortable.

It has only been a couple of weeks since our little chat in the locker room; the chat that changed everything…and nothing. We haven't spoken about it since. Daniel breaks us out of our thoughts.

'Hey, listen guys, I'm gonna have to get going. I've got some translations to read over.'
'Yeah, like you never do that,' the Colonel quips earning himself a glare from Daniel and a little grin from me.
'See ya later Sam,' he says as he departs.
'Bye Daniel.'

Well, if it was tense before, there are no words to describe the air between just him and me now. We both look up and catch each other's gaze at the same time and I find myself unable to look away from him. God this man has such power over me, even though I still hate what he did to us, to me. He smiles at me slowly and I find myself smiling back. Bollox.

'So Carter,' he begins. 'What are you gonna have to go off and do?'
He's trying to goad me, I know it.
'Actually sir, nothing. I'm off home.'
He grins knowing I've averted his teasing.
'You couldn't give a stranded man a lift could you?'
My eyes widen in shock.
'Excuse me Sir?'
'A lift. Home, Carter.'
I breathe a sigh of relief and smile.
'Sure.'
Well, I couldn't exactly have said no. His apartment is like five blocks from mine, and he's my CO. And it's not like we gonna talk about anything. Just a lift. A drive. An...Oh shit.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSG

We took our turns in the locker room and then headed to the surface. Signing out and walking out into the car park, I feel the night air hit me. I pull me jacket firmly around me and pick up my pace a little.

We're walking in silence thank god. Reaching the car, I open his side first so I can throw my bag on the back seat and then walk around the front of the car to get in myself. It's freezing inside, our breaths intermingling mid air. Turning the ignition I switch on the heater full blast and the radio comes on at the same time.

Suddenly she's leaving. Suddenly the promise of love is gone…

Oh my god. No... Please not now!!

Suddenly, breathing seems so hard to do. Carefully you, planned it, I got to know just a minute too late, Oh girl, now I understand it. All the times we made love together, baby you were thinking of him…

From our steady breathing just seconds ago, the air is virtually still.

Why do I love you, don't even want to. Why do I love you like I do, like I always do? You should have told me, why did you have to be untrue, why do I love you like I do?

I can't do anything but stare straight ahead out of the window screen, my hand on the gear lever. My nose is cold, and I think I must be turning blue from not daring breathe.

Suddenly I reach forward and turn the radio off, start the car and drive way faster than I really should be out of the base.
The drive home is uneventful and quiet. When I eventually pull up at his house 20 minutes later, he does something he really shouldn't.

'You wanna come in for a coffee?'
Keeping my firm grip on the steering wheel and facing front I reply quietly;
'I don't think that would be a good idea, do you Sir?'
He sighs quietly and shifts, but instead of moving to get out of the car he's moved to face me. My attention is drawn and I move my eyes to his.
'Sam, we need to talk. Please.'

His eyes plead with mine and I know he's right. We do need to talk, if not for ourselves, but for the team. The events of the past few weeks need to be sorted and now is as good a time as any.

Still looking at him I nod slowly. I turn the ignition off causing the car to go dark and the comfort of the warm heat blasting into my face to disappear.
A glimmer of a smile appears on his lips as he turns to get out of the car. As he shuts the door I let out a long withheld breath. What the hell am I doing?

Releasing my seatbelt I hear my door opening. Smiling a little at his chivalry, I step out of the car. He closes the door again but remains where he's standing as I lock it. Straightening up, I find out exactly how close I am to him. Through the bitter night chill I can feel the heat of his body on mine and oh god, it feels good. I know it shouldn't, I know I should still hate him; I know I shouldn't even be here.

Suddenly he moves away and walks up to his building, leaving me standing there and slightly confused.
'Are ya comin' in or are you just gonna stand there and freeze?'
I jump slightly and the sound of his voice, not having heard it since the base. Turning my head towards him I smile a little and follow him into the building.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSG

Sitting on his sofa, I look around the room. There's lots of books, a few pictures; some of Charlie. There's a rubber plant growing in the corner, which I find strange. The Colonel always moans like hell of world about trees and plants. There's an afghan thrown over the armchair opposite me, and a fair sized coffee table in between.

Out of my muse I hear the familiar clinking of spoon against cup and his footsteps returning to my position.
'Here we go,' he says as he places my mugs down on the coffee table in front of me.
'Thanks,' is my only reply. I instantly pick up the mug to give my hands something to do and blow a little onto the steaming liquid. He takes his place on the seat opposite me but immediately puts his mug down, directing all his attention to me.

'So...' he begins.
'So...what did you want to talk about?' That's right Sam, go straight in for the kill.
'Me, you...us. Our problem.'
'Problem, Sir?'
'Yes Carter, problem.'

Oh god, I shouldn't be here. This is dangerous ground and we both know it.
'More specifically, I want to respond to what you said to me in the locker room the other week.'
'Sir I really don't think we should be discussing this...'
'Well I do Carter.'
'But Sir...'
'No buts Carter. We need to talk this out and we need to do it now. OK?'
I put my mug down and lean back as way of resignation.
'Good. Now, there's something you need to know.'
'Yes Sir?'
He squirms around in his seat a little before continuing, his gaze on the table in front of us.

'When you came for me, I know you hated me for what I'd done.'
Yeah, good one Colonel; understatement of the year.
'And I know you thought I didn't want to come home.'
'I heard you tell her Sir,' I say quietly. 'I heard you tell her you weren't glad, that you wanted her to come with you. I know you didn't want to come back!'

OK Sam, calm thoughts. My voice raised a few decibels during that little speech.
'Hey! Listen to me!' he almost shouts, getting my attention immediately. His eyes penetrate me making me want to run and hide. I nod my head again and relax back into the sofa slightly, looking at the mug again.
'I wanted to come home, you're just gonna have to trust me on that one. Do you want to know why I tried to make the best of my situation there?'
Looking at him I nod my head.
'If I hadn't of, I would have died there. If I hadn't of tried to make the best of things there, it would have killed me. I had to forget. About the SGC, about earth, about you...' his voice trailed off.
Shock hits me. What the hell does he mean by that?
'What are you saying?' I ask quietly.
He leans forward in his chair holding my gaze.
'If I had spent all that time thinking about you and how to I could possibly get back, I would have killed myself.'

Oh my god. The puzzlement, anxiety and fear must have shown on my voice.
'I had to let you go Sam, so I could go on. So I could wait for you.'
Unable to look at him anymore without doing something really stupid I stand up and walk behind the sofa to get a little extra distance.
Tears are beginning to fogs up my vision but I blink them away. Looking down I ask him;
'Why her?'
'Because she was the only one who cared.'
'I cared.'
He stands up looking hurt, something I've hardly ever seen in him.
'I know you did! God damn it Sam I know! And I did what I did because I cared...for you.'

A single makes its escape onto my cheek. If I didn't know better I'd say he was pretty close to tears too. I work hard to hold the rest back now.

Looking back down onto the sofa I hear his quiet approach. I sense him standing next to me. I feel him touch my shoulder and turn my face to look at him. What I see is hurt and sadness. What I feel is pain and overwhelming feelings for this man. Feelings I shouldn't be having, because of the regulations, because of what he's done to me. But as I stand here looking at him none of that seems to matter; it's just him and me and that's what matters.

Turning to face him fully, I slide my arms around his waist and rest my head against his chest. Relaxing, he presses his face into my shoulder and holds me tighter than I've ever been held before.
'I'm sorry,' I hear him whisper. 'I'm so sorry.'
'It's OK,' I whisper back.
We stand there in silence for a good 15 minutes, but that doesn't bother me in the slightest. Right now I need him and he needs me.

'Stay with me tonight.'
What? I must have mis-heard him. I pull my head back but stay within his hold.
'What?'
He brushes the hair away from my eyes.
'Stay with me Sam.'

I have no idea what to say, so I say nothing.
Instead I move closer to him, pressing myself against his body and kiss him gently and slowly. The feel of him running his hands through my hair is incredible; even that doesn't sum up the feelings he brings up in me.

I know that tonight isn't going to be about sex; it's going to be about forgiveness.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSG

29/09/2002