by regrets-collect93
Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
"Hallelujah"
-Finding Her Family-
Sophie, let's go! You'll be late!
Sophie Braeden sighed when she heard her aunt's voice calling her to the breakfast table. It was Saturday for goodness sake- she should be allowed to sleep in. Aunt Michelle always woke her up at the same time every morning. The early bird catches the worm she'd always say. Well, sometimes Sophie didn't want to catch the worm. Sometimes Sophie just wanted to sleep the day away and do nothing, but Aunt Michelle seemed to think that if she stayed on a perfect schedule, she wouldn't lapse into her depression again; if only it were that simple.
Sophie used to be a happy girl. She was popular- the other kids loved her company. She used to be the prettiest girl in school, with her dark brown hair and chocolate eyes. Now she felt like the ugliest. It wasn't that she felt ugly on the outside. She knew her looks hadn't changed, aside from the weight loss, but inside she felt disgusting. She was no longer outgoing and bubbly. She wasn't all sunshine and happiness anymore. She felt like darkness – black smog – was taking over her very being, and she hated it. She tried talking to her aunt, but all she did was take her to see Dr. Mitchell.
Doctor Mitchell didn't really do anything. She would talk, and he would listen. When they were done, she hadn't really gotten anywhere with her so-called treatment. The only thing that would happen at the end of each session is that he would tell her to keep taking her prescribed medicine, and she never would. At first she did – she was a good girl. She took her pills, and they made her a zombie. She didn't realize it until she had to go a week without her medicine. She looked in the mirror and saw that her eyes were sunken in. Her skin was dull, and her lips were chapped. Her cheek bones protruded painfully, and her ribs showed when she lifted her shirt. She wasn't the pretty girl anymore, and that wasn't all.
The pills put her in a fog. She was going through the motions, but she could hardly remember what she did the entire month of taking the pills, so she stopped. She put them in her mouth, and made a good show of drinking the water, but in the end she stuck them in her pocket when Aunt Michelle wasn't looking. Afterwards, she would stick them in a little box in the very top of her closet. Her aunt Michelle never looked there – she was too short to reach it. She was sick for so long after that, but eventually she got better. She was able to put on a smile, and her aunt was pleased with her improvement. The visits with Dr. Mitchell were cut back to only once every month.
Unfortunately, it was that time of the month. She would have to pretend twice as hard if she wanted to convince him that she was okay. He was good – he almost caught her a few times – but she was becoming a fabulous actress. She was practically Oscar-ready.
Sophia Braeden, let's go!
There she went again. Whenever Sophie heard her last name she cringed a little. Her mother was always Miss Braeden. Her twin brother's name was never just Ben – everyone always followed it with Braeden. It just flowed so well and now she was the only Braeden left standing. Sophie grabbed her jacket off the back of the door and moseyed down the stairs. Her aunt was standing by the front door, tapping her foot in an uneven rhythm. She sighed and put on her best half-smile. It's all she could manage right now.
"You all ready?" her aunt asked. Her tone was overly-sympathetic, and it took everything for Sophie not to rush back up the stairs to her solitude.
Sophie nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go," she said.
-Finding Her Family-
Dr. Mitchell was sitting in his leather chair, staring at Sophie, and waiting for her to speak. She had absolutely no patience, and she wasn't going to break first. If he wanted her to talk, he could ask the questions. She was tired, and she had headaches. She knew that this was a bad idea about halfway to his office, when she got another one of her migraines. Dr. Mitchell shifted to cross his right leg over his left – for the third time in thirty minutes – and sighed.
"Miss Braeden," he began, before she cut him off.
"Sophia," she said.
He raised an eyebrow. "Of course – my mistake: Sophia, you seem out-of-sorts this morning. Is everything okay?" he asked.
Would I be here if I were okay? She shook her head and said; "Everything is pretty much the same."
"Pretty much? What's changed?" he asked.
Should she tell him: about the dreams? Should she open up – just a little? No, she shouldn't, but she didn't know what to do anymore. She was getting dreams – they felt more like memories – and they involved a younger version of her and Ben. They were happier then. It didn't feel like something was missing.
She sighed and decided on what – she was sure – would be the biggest mistake of her short life. "Do you think dreams mean anything?" she asked.
"Well, I don't know. It depends on what you're dreaming about," he replied.
"It's nothing specific. They're always different dreams, but they always involve the same man," she said.
"Well, what do you feel in these dreams? Are they romantic?" he asked.
She shook her head. "No," she replied. "They aren't romantic at all. It's like… I don't know," she finished.
He laid the pen and paper on the table next to him and looked at her. "Sophia, have you been writing in your journal like I recommended?" he asked.
She shook her head. "No. I haven't really had much to write," she said.
"Well, here's what I want you to do. Write in your journal whenever you dream of this man – or whenever you feel like it, really. Write down everything – no matter how insignificant you think it may be," he instructed.
"Are you going to read it?" she asked.
"I promise that I will never read it without your permission," he replied.
She nodded and stood from her chair. She shook his hand and he thanked her for a good session, and she met her aunt in the waiting room. She smiled when Sophie and the doctor exited the session room. She thanked the doctor, and led Sophie to the car with a gentle hand on her back. Sophie loved her aunt, but lately she was so overbearing. She wouldn't talk about the accident, and she wouldn't even mention Ben. She hardly ever mentioned her sister anymore – it was as if they never even existed. Only, they had existed. They had existed so much, and all three of them had relied on each other – especially since the car accident that Sophie couldn't really remember.
"Do you want to go get some ice cream?" Michelle asked.
Sophie shook her head. "No, I'm okay," she said.
Michelle nodded. "Alright," she said. She waited a moment, seeming to weigh something in her mind, before saying; "So, I heard the school is having open tryouts for cheerleading. Are you thinking of trying out?"
Sophie looked at her. "What?" she asked.
"I was just thinking that maybe – if you got into your old routine – it might help," she replied.
"Help what – help me move on? Help me get over it?" she snapped.
"Sophie, you know that's not what I meant," Michelle defended.
"Well, what did you mean? Why are people so intent on me getting back-to-normal? Did it ever cross anyone's mind that I'm never going to be normal again? Why can't I just have time to wallow in it?" she ranted.
Michelle sighed as they pulled into the driveway. "Okay, I'm sorry. That was a bad idea. I'm just worried about you, sweetie," she said.
"I wish people would stop being worried about me. I don't need help, I just need time to heal at my own pace! No more doctors, no more dream journals, no more getting-over-it. Just… time," she said before getting out of the car and running inside. She ran to her room and locked the door. She needed some alone time with her thoughts and Led Zeppelin blasting through the headphones.
-Finding Her Family-
Sophie didn't know what time she had fallen asleep, but she woke up in her computer chair with a blanket covering her. She immediately felt bad for snapping at Michelle, who was probably just doing the best she could. She had just lost her older sister, and Sophie couldn't even pretend that she didn't know what it felt like. Losing her brother was what caused this mess in the first place. Yeah, losing her mom would have set her back for a while, but she could have managed it better. Losing her brother was like losing part of herself. He wasn't just her twin – he was her best friend. She knew that, no matter what, she would always have him at the end of the day.
Sophie looked at the clock – midnight. She sighed and took off her headphones. Her music had probably stopped playing hours ago, and her iPod was dead anyway. She put it on charge and went to the kitchen to get something to munch on. She wasn't necessarily hungry, but she should still probably eat something. She grabbed the cookies from the cabinet and sat on the counter. She was swinging her legs, but tried not to make too much noise. She didn't want to deal with questions as to why she was awake. The cookies made a loud crunching noise in her ears when she chewed, but she thought she could hear something else. It was a scratching sound, but she couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from.
She hopped off the counter and put the half-eaten cookie on a napkin. She looked around the kitchen to find what was making that noise, but she couldn't see anything. She hoped to God that it wasn't mice – that was the last thing they needed right now. How could it be mice, though? Her aunt Michelle had done nothing but clean to keep herself busy since the accident. The scratching noise stopped for a moment, but then returned. She listened carefully, and decided it was coming from the laundry room that was directly off of the kitchen. She knew this was a bad idea. She knew that when you heard a noise, you don't go check it out, but she needed to know what that noise was!
She peeked around the corner and saw nothing. She walked into the laundry room and checked everywhere. She checked in the washer, the dryer, and the laundry baskets. She moved everything around on the shelves, and checked for holes in the baseboard. There were no signs of mice – not even droppings. What the hell was going on? She decided that she was just sleep deprived, and turned to leave the room, but she saw something from the corner of her eye. It was quick – just a flash – but it was there. The room was unusually cold for early spring, and she couldn't help the shiver that ran through her. She waited a moment – not sure what she should do – and then walked towards the door. She glanced back and noticed something strange. There was something written on the notepad that hung on the wall.
Soph: 43, -96
"What the hell?" she murmured. She tore the paper from the pad and looked at it. The writing was scratchy and scrawled, almost desperately, across the paper. It looked like it had taken a lot of effort for the person – or whatever it was – to get it written down. There had to be a logical explanation for this, so she wadded it up and went back to her room. She weighed the options of keeping it, or throwing it away, and decided it was probably better to just toss it. She climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to her chin, before dozing off into a restless sleep.
-Finding Her Family-
The wind was howling outside, and she couldn't sleep. Every time she looked at her closet, she noticed that it was cracked slightly. It seemed to keep opening, inch-by-inch, every time she looked at it. She pulled the covers over her head for a sense of security, but that feeling of safety was lost when a loud crack of thunder sounded through the room. It set her heart to racing, and she couldn't help the scream that tore from her throat. Her mom was working late, and it was just her and her brother at home. She heard her bedroom door creak open, and she prepared herself for the monster to get her.
She knew there were monsters. She didn't know how she knew this, but she knew. Her brother believed too, even if their mother told them they were being ridiculous. She tensed when she felt the edge of her bed dip, and practically jumped to the ceiling when a hand rested on her shoulder. When she realized that it was just her brother, she calmed down a little.
"Sophie, what's wrong?" he asked.
She shook her head. It was foolish for a twelve year old girl to be scared of thunder. "Nothing," she said.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
She nodded and he just shrugged. "Okay, if you say so. I can't sleep, so I'm gonna go watch a movie," he said.
He moved to the door, and she glanced at her closet again. "Wait!" she said.
She grabbed her blanket and ran to catch up with him. They went to the living room and put the Lion King DVD in the player, and sat on the sofa. She felt safe with her big brother around. This all seemed so familiar, but she didn't know why. Yeah, they had loved the Lion King when they were little, but this time it felt like something was missing. She looked over to the armchair with a confused look. She saw something flicker there – like a memory manifesting. A man who looked to be about 30 appeared in the chair, smiling at them as they watched the movie. He was handsome, and he had made appearances in her other dreams as well.
She was overwhelmed with a feeling of safety and comfort as he faded away again, and she turned to her brother and said; "Thanks, Ben."
"Don't mention it, sis," he replied with a smile.
Suddenly, the rain didn't seem so frightening anymore.
-Finding Her Family-
A/N; Thank you so much in advance for reading! This is set when Ben (and in this story, Sophie) are 16 years old. I've changed things about season 6, and seasons 7-9 didn't really happen. They boys are still hunting, and Cas is still with them, but I haven't gotten the chance to watch seasons 8 or 9 yet, so...
Everything will be explained as time goes on. I hope you'll enjoy my story! I have a tumblr for it. The url is findingherfamily {dot} tumblr {dot} com. Just replace the {dot} with a period, and you're good to go! :D Thanks again for reading.