Disclaimer: I did not create and do not own the Archer universe, nor do I realize any financial gain from it.
Note: Rating is just for implications, and possibly a bit strong even then.
Note 2: Takes place during 'The Archer Sanction', S6.
Close Quarters
"Ray? Hon?" Lana whispers into the pitch darkness of the bivouac tent.
Ray yawns and utters a sleep-filled inquisitive sound. "Hmm?" He shifts his slender form closer to her, which just exacerbates the problem.
"I just want to emphasize that I am, and always have been, a woman," she whispers pointedly.
"What? Oh. Sorry, Lana." Ray rolls over so his back is to her.
Which brings him chest-to-chest with Archer. Still asleep, Archer grunts at the movement and throws a heavy arm around Ray, pulling him close.
Ray freezes. "Lana?" he whispers. "Help!"
There's a smothered laugh from behind him. Lana somehow makes her whispered voice sound simultaneously amused and sympathetic. "Oh Ray, please don't wake him. It's only 3am. And once he's up we'll all have to be up."
"Like a big drunken toddler," Ray quips, trying to decide if it would wake Archer (and possibly get him punched in the face) if he put his own arm over the other man. But, damn it, there's no other semi-comfortable place to put his arm in this position.
"Yeah, so… Please?"
Ray huffs. "Oh- fine! But you owe me."
"Thanks, hon." Lana snuggles down against him, her ample breasts pressing into his back. At least it's warm here in the middle.
(Two hours later.)
"Now see, this is why you have to be in the middle, Lana."
"Good morning to you, too, sunshine," Ray says, getting up on one elbow and stretching as much as he can.
"Shut up and move," Archer replies, glaring.
"Move where? We're packed in here like-"
"Sardines?" Lana suggests helpfully.
"Bleh. Too cliché," Ray demurs.
"And, also, a little bit on the nose," Archer adds, most unhelpfully. "You know. Fish."
There's an indignant squawk from behind him, and then Lana is literally climbing over Ray so she can sock Archer in the jaw.
"Get off!" Ray protests with more than a hint of a whine. "Ow, serious shit, Lana, you're heavy!"
"How come he doesn't get hit?" Archer asks, apparently in earnest. "You'd hit me if I said that."
"Uh, I don't know, maybe because you're a huge asshole?" Lana offers sarcastically. Switching from sarcastic to slightly pissed, she adds, "But, seriously, Ray, man up. I'm the perfect weight. I exemplify the hourglass figure."
"Well, you and your hourglass figure can just sleep in the middle next time, because I'm not doing it!"
"I'm saying," Archer agrees.
"Hey, I've got an idea," Lana returns. "Why don't you, Archer, just sleep outside next time?"
"I'd kind of like to be outside right now," Ray says, shoving Lana back to her side of the tent and sitting up. He looks around by the light of the battery-powered lantern and then taps his fingertips on the too-solid walls. "But, I think we might be buried alive in here, y'all."
"Damn it," Lana swears, pulling on her sweater. "Archer, get dressed and dig upwards and see if you can make an opening before we run out of air."
"Alright, I will. But only because I choose to. And also, to get away from Ray's penis before this gets any weirder."
"Oh, as if, mama's boy," Ray huffs.