DUNE ABRIDGED 2 (Back by popular demand)
PAUL THE DOG IS THE NEW BLACK
THE ACROSTIC POEM OF READING GAOL
He did not wear his scarlet coat, for Paul the Dog was a dog and dogs don't wear coats. And blood and wine may be red, but they were also very last season in Paul the Dog's humble opinion. No, instead he opted for his suit of shabby grey. Grey was always a very heavy colour and he didn't want his step to look to light for his size (he was microscopic after all) or gay. No, this was prison after all, and that would not do.
Paul the Dog, along with Emily the Space Dragon, Nicola the Plump Gnome and Sally the Special Little Snowflake (who was also a pathogen) (#sibilance) (#pathogen), had been sent to prison for creating the literary masterpiece otherwise known as Dune Abridged. The critics were simply unable to appreciate the story's textual integrity and deep, meaningful meaning, and as such they had condemned all those involved to life imprisonment. Of course, Dylan the Math Guru was imprisoned with them too, because naturally this was ALL HIS FAULT.
Paul the Dog looked up upon the sky (which he maintained was not a blue tent, despite what everyone else tried to tell him) with a wistful eye. He did not want to be imprisoned in this prison-like prison that was his prison.
Suddenly, the sky became a casque of scorching steel (#sibilance), probably due to global warming and the high albedo effect of the prison yard. Paul the Dog couldn't stand the sudden heat. At this rate it was going to raise his body temperature above freezing, which had the potential to melt Paul the Dog as Paul the Dog was mostly made out of ice (this quote shows that Paul the Dog is emotionally reserved and has trouble opening up to people). Still, Paul the Dog (being microscopic) was very large and it would take a considerable amount of latent heat to force a state change, so he had little reason to be worried. All in all, the Antarctic ice-cap would probably melt before he did, a fact that Paul the Dog took great comfort in.
Anyway, Paul the Dog had more important things to worry about. He had to do all those things that one was supposed to do when one went to prison, like joining a prison gang, acquiring a prison wife and finding God. The latter would be the easiest of all, as there was no sign of organised religious activity everywhere. Paul the Dog was quite glad of that, as such things tended to get in the way of his long distance relationship with the Man Upstairs. As Martin Luther always said – he found God in a Popeless place, and it really is quite difficult to engage in phone sex with God while a priest is looking over your shoulder.
And now that that was established, Paul the Dog decided to hold auditions of the other prisoners to find out who would be his prison wife as he languished in the prison-like prison that was his prison. Naturally, Paul the Dog had authority over the other prisoners and so he insisted that they prepare their audition where they would show off their best talent.
Spock and Elrond went first. Spock proceeded to immaculately perform aerobics whilst Elrond elf-gazed at him from his elf-eyes that belonged to an elf. Alexander and Hephaistion performed their act where Alexander covered himself in licorice allsorts and lovingly stroked Hephaestion's breasticles. Paul the Dog disqualified Spock and Elrond from the competition as they were clearly too in love with each other and were the most perfect couple since Alexander and Hephaistion.
Dylan the Math Guru stepped up. He was very nervous and sad and began crying tears of mathematical joy because of the pure love he had just witnessed. Dylan the Math Guru wished that someone would love him like that but he knew it was in vain since the Intergalactic Space War was ALL HIS FAULT. For his act, Dylan demonstrated some vector analysis and revealed the distance between a line and a plane. Paul the Dog was overcome. He could literally feel his brain which was very large and had immense powers of intellect rotting inside his microscopic head. He wondered why he had voluntarily paid thousands of dollars to the university to learn this.
Suddenly the power went out.
"Must be all that renewable energy," said Malcolm Turnbull from a train in Australia. he pulled out a cigarette made of coal and lit it. Miraculously the power went back on again.
But it was not Malcolm Turnbull's coal cigarette which had caused the power to re-appear. Instead, the lights immediately flickered to attention in awe and honour of the next contestant in Paul the Dog's wife audition. Immaculately dressed in a frock coat and a provocatively pinned neckcloth, the great master of sass, Voltaire himself, stepped onto the stage.
Paul the Dog let out a piercing and manly fan-girl squeal of joy. Voltaire was everything that Paul the Dog had ever imagined in a wife, from his trolling smirk to his views on organised religion and the transatlantic slave trade.… he just was perfect. Paul the Dog was so delighted that his microscopic form was struggling to hold in the sheer ecstasy welling up inside him.
"Enough! Stop!" Paul the Dog boomed, "The competition must end. It is clear to me that Voltaire is objectively the most bae of all!"
Everyone was silent, apart from Senator Malcolm Roberts from the One Nation Party, who jumped up in his seat screaming "Show me the empirical evidence!"
(Of course, everyone ignored the senator because it's common knowledge that 97% of climate scientists agree Voltaire is indubitably the best candidate to be anyone's prison wife… and also because Malcolm Roberts' scientific knowledge and expertise is roughly on par with that of a medium sized Euphorbia cactus.)
And with that settled, Voltaire and Paul the Dog were married, in the sight of God, before the entire assembled prison… and it was glorious.
However, after that the prisoners had to go back to work and Paul the Dog and his new wife had to go with them. Rank by rank, they soaped the plank, and sewed the sacks and broke the stones... which made Emily the Space Dragon very angry as the stones were some rather fine granite specimens with plenty of pink orthoclase, and they really didn't deserve such violence. Emily the Space Dragon gathered up the fragments, breathed fire on them and then sat on them, so that the heat and pressure would metamorphize them into some lovely banded gneisses. She then used them to beat the offending prisoners to death.
Paul the Dog and Voltaire, having narrowly escaped the massacre, wandered around the weeping prison wall. This was possible because the walls at Reading Gaol had eyes which constantly cried tears of blood down their pallid faces and had to be comforted by Draco Malfoy (the quote shows that the story is very sophisticated as it references My Immortal, which is the single greatest piece of literature ever written #allusion #intertextuality).
Suddenly Nicola the Plump Gnome interrupted their leisurely stroll with some physics, in order to compensate for the disturbing lack of physics in this story. She performed some astonishingly intelligent calculations about energy levels in hydrogen atoms and also provided some wonderful insights into telescopes and optics, because Nicola the Plump Gnome likes these areas of physics and she is also very intelligent. Then Nicola the Plump Gnome decided to use her physics knowledge to create an MRI machine and so she did because she is so intelligent.
As they were walking, Paul the Dog and Voltaire stumbled across a potato. It was quite a glorious potato, smooth and round and very strong in the Force. He was so enamoured by this potato that he did not see Nicola the Plump Gnome sneaking up on him. He did not notice her when she grabbed him and put him into her MRI machine. He didn't even detect it when Nicola the Plump Gnome turned the machine on and it started to make all those horrifically loud noises that MRI machines make. Nicola the Plump Gnome gasped. The scans showed that Paul the Dog's very large, entirely microscopic body was made entirely of midichlorians (and if you don't know what they are they are little potatoes that live symbiotically inside Paul's body #science).
"Oh my golly goodness gosh (#sibilance)!" ejaculated Paul unenthusiastically, realising what had gone wrong. "One of the midichlorians has fallen out of my body!"
By this point, Paul had noticed that he was trapped inside Nicola the Plump Gnome's MRI machine. He was most unhappy about it. He grinned like a maniac and pounded on the inside of the MRI machine, making huge moon-like craters in it with his microscopic body while singing the Star Trek Enterprise opening theme. However, Nicola the Plump Gnome did not pay any attention to this. She and Emily the Space Dragon were too distracted by the scan results. As they were both full time, professional potato enthusiasts, they recognised the tiny, Force sensitive potatoes for what they were... a mark of the Great and Marvelous Holy Lord Doitsu AKA God.
"The Holy Lord Doitsu himself walks among us!" Nicola the Plump Gnome exclaimed in a whisper.
"Surely some revelation is at hand; Surely the Second Coming is at hand..." Emily the Space Dragon cried out, then she actually cried when Nicola the Plump Gnome smacked her in the face with her furry tile (which was actually her very intelligent flying carpet) for quoting WB Yeats.
While watching this from his position inside the MRI machine, Paul the Dog had an epiphany.
"Dog is God backwards!" Paul the Dog/God ejaculated. "Voltaire, I am God! How can this be? According to Nietzsche, I am dead! Or at the very least as I am a non-existence, as I am no longer a valid source of moral guidance in a post Enlightenment world!"
"Even if God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him." Voltaire replied appearing inside the MRI machine next to Paul the Dog/God. His words were heavy with bitter wisdom and intense sass.
"Are you calling me an invention?" Paul the Dog/God cried, as he busted open the MRI machine. "Why I don't know whether to be hurt or flattered!"
All of a sudden, they were rudely interrupted by Malcolm Roberts, who demanded to see the empirical evidence that Paul the Dog/God was indeed God. Paul the Dog/God was displeased, so he summoned the previously noted Euphorbia cactus out of thin air and presented it to Malcolm Roberts, before addressing him respectfully.
"Senator, please accept both this cactus and my sincere invitation for you to go fuck yourself with it."
And with that Paul the Dog/God dropped the mike and walked out of the MRI machine with his wife, confident that the senator had just got fully wrecked.
However, their problems were not over. A wild Jean Jacques Rousseau appeared, blocking their path back into the prison. Of course being a stuffy Calvinist, Jean Jacques Rousseau was not very pleased with Paul the Dog/God's existential epiphany that he was God, so he gave in to his state of nature AKA his most basic instinct to be an uncontrollable pain in the ass. (Jean Jacques Rousseau was also still mad about all the times Voltaire criticised his parenting skills back in the mid 1700s). Voltaire was not pleased either, so he took his gun and shot Jean Jacques Rousseau a gazillion times while Paul the Dog/God filmed it. Rousseau started screaming and the camera broke.
While watching this epic show-down between two of the greatest Philosophers, Emily the Space Dragon and Nicola the Plump Gnome had an epiphany of their own. They decided that they ought to build a university to honour Paul the Dog/God. They would build the university on Mars because Mars is the Planet of the Sacred Potatoes, therefore the University could also serve as a Temple to the Scared Potatoes and Paul the Dog/God. They decided that the university would be called THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAN GLORY (#Texas # AllCaps) because Mars is a province of Texas. Paul the Dog/God quite liked the idea of having his own temple/university and readily agreed to the plans.
Meanwhile on the train, Malcolm Turnbull felt a chill run down his spine. His policies regarding university deregulation naturally made him an enemy of any sort of higher education, and he was quite horrified by the prospect of THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAN GLORY being established. Turning to observe his volcanoes (which were of course invented by the government to fool geologists), he contemplated the most innovative way to destroy Mars and it's potatoes with the still non-existent NBN. Of course, by thinking of potatoes he had inadvertently summoned Our Great Lord Doitsu (AKA Paul the Dog/God), who snapped his fingers and magicked him into an agile, abstract and totally non-existent cloud of jobs and growth.
With that done, Paul the Dog/God decided it was high time that he engineered his diabolical escape from Reading Gaol. As engineering requires maths, he sought out Dylan the Math Guru to assist him in his escape attempt. He found Dylan the Math Guru crouching in a corner, rocking himself back and forth and reciting polynomial equations under his breath. Paul the Dog/God was most intrigued by his odd behaviour, and promptly pimp slapped him in the face to snap him out of it. Dylan the Math Guru was delighted that Paul the Dog/God had honoured him with such intimate physical contact, and eagerly professed his full assistance and undying gratitude towards Paul the Dog/God.
However, it turned out that Dylan the Math Guru was entirely useless, so Paul the Dog decided that the most helpful thing Dylan the Math Guru could do would be to donate his hair to make a rope for scaling the prison walls. Dylan the Math Guru loved his long hair. He was most unwilling to much to donate it, he fought and screamed and cried while Paul the Dog/God used his godly powers to immobilize him in attempt to hack off his hair with a sharpened platypus bill.
Unfortunately, the impressive cutting capabilities of the platypus bill were overshadowed by the strength of Dylan the Math Guru's hair, which had developed fully polarised deflector shields as a side effect of all the physics Dylan the Math Guru had been doing. Paul the Dog/God decided to abandon the platypus bill for another bill, Bill Shorten, forgetting of course that there is only one thing more useless than a disembodied platypus bill… and that is Bill Shorten.
Eventually, Paul the Dog gave up and simply yanked Dylan the Math Guru's hair out by the roots. Dylan the Math Guru was most upset. Without his long hair he could no longer be considered a member of the Intergalactic Association of Gurus. Dylan the Math Guru was no longer a Math Guru. He had lost part of his identity and most of his name. He was heartbroken #identitycrisis.
Paul the Dog/God did not care. He braided Dylan the Math Gurus hair into a pretty rope with flowers in it and then got out a crane to attach Dylan's hair to in order to crane everyone over the fence of the prison. But alas, just as Paul the Dog was lifting the crane above his head, he dropped it into his microscopic eye and, as a result, he slowly began to die. Paul the Dog was upset that had a crane sticking out of his eye. His emotions were so raw and uncontrollable that naturally he did nothing about it and calmly accepted his fate. However, Nicola the Plump Gnome and Emily the Space Dragon realized that this terrible event was in fact ALL DYLAN'S FAULT. Hence, they decided that, as punishment for his crime against the universe, Dylan the Math Guru should get married to Jar Jar Binks.
"Oh my #goldenthighedpythagoras!" hollered Dylan the Math Guru, who was happy because he was sad. "Jar Jar Binks is male, so I won't even get to have any Lesbian Swan Sex!"
And thus everyone who was a prisoner imprisoned in the prison-like prison that was their prison prepared for the holy union of Dylan the Math Guru and Jar Jar Binks. The wedding would take place before the Lord Doitsu himself AKA Paul the Dog/God, who was going to be the celebrant. Dylan the Math Guru was dressed in a beautiful white gown with a matching bonnet for the event, and his hair (which had miraculously grown back due to his immense Guru powers) was braided with flowers.
The food for the wedding was prepared. It consisted solely of smashed avocado on toast because all the participants were young people (including Voltaire who was born in 1694 and was therefore 323 years old). As such, due to a combination of excessive consumption of avocado, extravagant millennial spending habits and the government's intense hatred for young people and students, no one present at the wedding would ever be able to buy a house in Sydney. Instead, they would be forced to rent out dodgy share houses and room with five other people and a plethora of gigantic mutant cockroaches until they were old enough to retire, assuming that the government didn't scrap the whole idea of retirement entirely and replace it with compulsory slave labour.
(This is why we need fully automated gay space communism, like, right now.)
Everyone was busy preparing for this special occasion. Emily the Space Dragon immaculately groomed her feathers and applied impressively symmetrical, wing-tipped eyeliner as a mark of her great respect for Paul the Dog/God while - not to be outdone - Nicola the Plump Gnome even went so far as to brush her hair and comb her furry tile. When everything was ready, Dylan walked down the aisle led by Archimedes, the father of mathematics, while the electromagnetic spectrum song played in the background.
Paul the Dog/God began the ceremony:
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of Holy Doitsu Paul the Dog/God/Potato Lord, to witness my acrostic poem…"
"May you
Always be
Romantic and
Ready for
Intercourse (the Lesbian Swan Sex variety)
At every
God-given
Event and opportunity…"
Everyone cried upon hearing the beauty of Paul the Dog/God's poem, especially Dylan the Math Guru, who was deeply touched by Paul the Dog/God's acknowledgement of his marriage and by extension his sad, strange mathematical existence. But he was distracted from his emotional outburst by Frodo-Baggins-the-Ring-Bearer stealing one of the wedding rings (since Dylan the Math Guru had decided to create the other out of abstract mathematics) and running off into one of Malcolm Turnbull's volcanoes named Mount Agile, screaming about his mission to take the ring to Mordor. Unfortunately, Frodo fell into the volcano, but he didn't burn to death. Upon seeing this, he realised that volcanoes were actually a government conspiracy. To confirm this, he checked underneath the bottom of the volcano and saw that it said "Made in China". Volcanoes were indeed invented by the government. He gave up and turned into a sexier version of Gollum with luscious hair.
Paul the Dog/God beamed beatifically at the glorious sight in front of him, Dylan the Math Guru and Jar Jar Binks lost in matrimonial bliss and surrounded by congratulatory faces. It was indeed a wonderful thing to behold, and probably the last thing Paul the Dog/God would ever see as the crane in his eye was beginning to negatively impact his vision. Paul the Dog/God was not long for this world, in a solemn moment he composed his first NON-ACROSTIC POEM to decorate his grave.
In Reading Gaol, In Reading Town
There is a pit of potatoes,
And in it lies Paul The Dog/God
Surrounded by potatoes,
In a burning winding sheet he lies,
And his grave has got potatoes.
And there til Doitsu calls forth the dead,
In potatoes let him lie,
No need to waste the foolish tear
Or heave a windy sigh.
IT WAS ALL DYLAN'S FAULT
Paul the Dog/God had to die.
But before he could get to the last verse, Paul the Dog/God died. It was sad. It hurt. Paul the Dog/God was angry that his death had hurt so much, but he moved past it and lived happily ever after.
Then I woke up and it was all a dream.
Then they all died.
The End.