Christopher Robin was having a great day playing in the Hundred Acre Woods with Winnie the Pooh and Pals.
"Pooh you are my best friend all our adventures together have been the time of my life." Christopher Robin admitted with melancholy. "But now it has all come to the end for I must be leaving to boarding school."
"Boarding school? Oh why would they ever need to teach boards? I thought you were a human, Christopher Robin" Asked Pooh for he was not a very smart bear.
"Oh you silly bear." Christopher Robin laughed.
"We will all miss you Christopher Robin." Said Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore, and all the other animals of the Hundred Acre Woods.
Christopher Robin then left for boarding school but soon his life turned upside down.
"Christopher Robin we have bad news for you." Said Boarding School Headmaster one day while Christopher Robin was drawing pictures of Pooh in his notebook.
"What is it." Christopher Robin asked without much trepidation for in his idyllic existence he had never truly grasped or experienced what a bad news was.
"Your Dad is dead Christopher Robin!" Exclaimed the Headmaster with shocking revelation. "He has been murdered by the American Serial Killer Michael Myers who was here in England on vacation."
"NOOOOOO." Christopher Robin cried out sorrowfully as the Headmaster took out several graphic photos of his dads dead body in various states of mutilation and decay and rubbed them in his face. On the photos was the message "YOUR NEXT BITCH – XOXO MM" Christopher Robin then started crying.
"Christopher Robin this blatant sorrow is unbecoming of a proper English school lad!" The Headmaster said disgustedly. "Your silly bear drawings are one thing but grieving for a dead family like this is a step too far. You must be disciplined."
Christopher Robin was then dragged off to the Headmaster's office where for three straight days and nights he was beaten upon his rump by a thick ruler and then waterboarded while being forced fed all his doodles.
Afterwards he was put into solitary confinement and made to think very hard about what he had done. Christopher Robin kept seeing images of Michael Myers killing his father and his mind soon snapped and his childhood ended early.
"Winnie the Pooh is nothing but folly! My father's death must be divine punishment for my blasphemous imagination! From here on out I am an adult and I will waste no more of my life upon childish frivolities!" Christopher Robin proclaimed. Christopher Robin then went off to fight in WW2 a few years later. And while killing a bunch of Krauts he forgot about Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, and all the other inhabitants of the 100 Acre Wood.
He also got married and had a kid but I don't think they're too important to this narrative being told so they won't appear or be mentioned again in this fanfic.
Years later Christopher Robin was working at the luggage manufacturers. Christopher Robin was stressed because he was working all the time and his boss was a real asshole but how else was he supposed to make money to buy things.
"Christopher Robin I think we need to fire a few people to increase the efficiency of our company but I cannot decide who so its up to you." Said his boss one day in the office during meeting with Christopher Robin as they daintily sipped a cup of tea cause they were British. "So while I spend the weekend golfing and goofing you get to make the hard decisions doesn't that sound fun."
"Yes it does I love work and a sore back all day and night. But is that necessary, the firing I mean?" Christopher Robin asked.
"Yes why bother trying to better ourselves or our product when we can just kick a few peasants to the curb and call it a day." Chuckled his boss.
"I guess you are right I will need to think about this over my lunch break." Christopher Robin said as he opened the door only to see horrifying sight.
The rest of the office was dead and there was blood and guts and other human interior stuff strewn about. It was redder than Russia and China put together and it all smelt like rotting stores in a bad steakhouse.
In the middle of it all was a tall imposing and masked shape of a man silently stabbing the secretary to death.
"Oh shit it's Michael Myers he's back and he's killed everyone!" Christopher Robin said recognizing the man who had killed his father several years before.
"Well I'd like to thank him." The Boss said stupidly as he strolled up to Michael Myers as Michael Myers began slicing the secretary's lifeless head off. "He has saved us the trouble of deciding who to fire so I can get to my golfing getaway sooner!"
"Jolly good show, old son! You Yanks sure are efficient!" The Boss said as he held out his hand to Michael Myers as Michael Myers began scooping the secretary's brains out like the insides of a pumpkin. "How would you like a full-time position here?"
Michael Myers responded by chopping off the Boss's hand.
"Oh sod! This calls for a hole-in-one and your head is the ball, Mr. Myers, sir!" The Boss said somewhat perturbed as blood began spurting from his stump. The Boss stumbled back and grabbed his golf club from a bag for defense.
With his remaining hand The Boss swung at Michael Myers but Michael Myers blocked every strike with his knife. Michael Myers then stabbed The Boss in the stomach and made a small vertical cut, making him drop the golf club. Michael Myers grabbed the fallen club after he pulled his knife out and as The Boss defenselessly keeled Michael Myers shoved the golf club deep up the Boss's wound and pulled backwards opening up the man like a vacuum cleaner's bag.
Michael Myers then looked around but Christopher Robin had already fled. No real problem and Michael Myers calmly strolled out of the bloodbath.
Christopher Robin meanwhile had gotten home.
"Hello Christopher Robin! Have you got anytime to play gin rummy with me?" Asked his annoying neighbor.
"No I don't have bloody time to play bloody gin rummy with you!" Christopher Robin snapped. "That madman Michael Myers is after me!"
"Ho ho ho Michael Myers, was it? I 'eard of 'im! Those Yanks are a right bloody laugh, they are!" The annoying neighbor chuckled as Christopher Robin slammed his door shut and locked it.
Later in the evening Christopher Robin was trying to calm his nerves by doing paperwork for his company even though all his coworkers and bosses were dead. He hoped he would still be getting paid for it. Suddenly he thought he heard something from out the window. Fearfully he wondered if Michael Myers had caught up him and was lurking outside in the darkness. Like a moth drawn to the candle Christopher Robin foolishly approached the nearest window where shadows swirled outside like a boiling sea.
Christopher Robin shrieked as the window suddenly was shattered, glass shards flying everywhere. It was his annoying neighbors head, decapitated and stuffed with playing cards in every opening.
"Looks like you got to play that ginrummy after all, but not in the way you hoped." Christopher Robin said mournfully as he picked it up, loose cards falling out. Christopher Robin then heard a creaking floorboard behind him and as he got up.
Christopher Robin shot up and spun around and shrieked again. Michael Myers had inexplicably materialized right behind him! Michael Myers swung his knife at Christopher Robin but Christopher Robin ran away.
Christopher Robin ran all the way to the train station but Michael Myers remained glued to his heels like a hellhound.
"Sorry fella but I need that more than you!" Christopher Robin told a hapless bystander who just brought a ticket to the train as he snatched the ticket from his hands and pushed him into Michael Myer's path. Michael Myer, undeterred, cut the bystander down into ribbons and continued on his warpath. Christopher Robin desperately threw more and more Londoners at Michael Myers from the elderly to infants to slow him down but there was not enough as Michael Myers calmly dined and dashed upon the blood of innocents.
"I'll go all the way to Wales! Surely even Michael Myers is not enough of a chump to head to Wales voluntarily!" Christopher Robin beamed with genius as he hopped onto the train heading to Wales and hurried into a seat. He looked around frantically but he did not see Michael Myers onboard, instead the pale-masked killer was left standing on the platform.
"Yes yes I have outfoxed Michael Myers! Hip hip hooray and a thousand huzzahs!" Christopher Robin cheered making the guy sitting across from him stare at him suspiciously. But Christopher Robin's celebration was premature as Michael Myers suddenly appeared outside his window, clinging onto the side of the train.
Dumbfounded Christopher Robin looked back at the ever-distant train platform and at Michael Myers hanging outside his window as Michael Myers raised his knife. Michael Myers smashed the train window, reached into the compartment, and threw out Christopher Robin's fellow passenger as he climbed in. Christopher Robin screamed and screamed as Michael Myers chased after him again, slashing his way through the train cars.
Completely desperate and with nowhere else to go as Michael Myers closed in, Christopher Robin leapt from the speeding train into the wild countryside. Christopher Robin ate dirt and then some as he tumbled down and he hit his head on a log, blacking out.
The train sped away into the night. Michael Myers quietly peered out from behind the broken window as the unmoving body of Christopher Robin lay in the grass. The gap between Christopher Robin and the train as the train continued on its way, and the sight of the man shrunk and shrunk until it could not be seen anymore. Apathetically, Michael Myers took the shirt of a passenger he had killed and wiped the blood from his knife before calmly leaping from the train.
He had all the time in the world and Michael Myers approached Christopher Robin methodically, at his own pace for where could Christopher Robin run?
Christopher Robin stirred and as his vision and throbbing head cleared he almost cried as he saw who was approaching him in the distance as the sun began to rise. Christopher Robin had so many questions, like why Michael Myers was after him, but he knew it was futile to even try to ask. This was the end of all things, he was doomed and as Christopher Robin saw his life flash before his eyes he had an epiphany. What had he done these last few years, besides work and work a joyless job for wages barely better than begging? He had forgotten what it had felt like to enjoy living.
"Oh life is so hollow and I am doomed!" Bemoaned Christopher Robin as he collapsed against the log.
"Life is hollow? Are you sure? I pat my tummy and life feels full." Asked a familiar voice that Christopher Robin had not heard in ages. A freezing chill shot down his spine. Had he truly been led astray and had stumbled upon the paths that all ended in madness?
Hesitantly, Christopher Robin turned his head to where the voice was coming home. His heart began beating faster than the Germans fleeing a Soviet advance and against all possibilities and logicalities standing there behind the log in front of Christopher Robin was a diminutive yellow bear in a red shirt.
"POOH?" Christopher Robin cried in surprise.
"Yes Christopher Robin it is me." Winnie the Pooh answered.
Michael Myers then caught up to them.
"Hello there. Are you a new friend of Christopher Robin's?" Winnie the Pooh asked inquisitively.
Michael Myers was about to stab Christopher Robin when he realized all of a sudden that in front of him was a sentient teddy bear and furthermore it could talk.
"What the fuck a talking teddy bear." Michael Myers said then the shock triggered a heart attack and he died.