Alec hated the woods. He felt like he and Jace had been walking for days when it had only been hours. Of course, it would have been more if Alec had actually given in to Jace's attempts to start conversation, rather than reply with reluctant grunts, but he just didn't feel like talking right now. Or ever.
The only thing he could think of was Magnus. Alec had screwed up, and he had screwed up bad. He knew Magnus had full right to dump him after what he had done, but it hurt like hell, and it was screwing with his concentration.
Alec and Jace were supposed to be looking for a Ravener they had seen in an alley in New York, but the damn thing had led them to the New Jersey woods where it seemed to be playing hide and seek.
Alec was beginning to regret ever following the demon. He had done it for the sake of having something to do, something to distract him from Magnus, but the long walk through the woods with his thoughts wasn't really helping him achieve that.
Not looking where he was going, Alec cursed as he tripped over his fourth root. Jace stopped walking, and turned around. Seeing that Alec was okay, just lying on the ground drowning in his own humiliation, Jace laughed and Alec's cheeks flamed.
"Shut up, Jace," he muttered, which made Jace laugh even harder.
"I'm sorry, I can't seem to 'shut up', seeing that I've nearly gone mute from going so many hours without using my gorgeous voice," Jace said. Alec rolled his eyes, and slowly picked himself up from the dirty ground, dusting off his gear.
"Nobody ever misses your voice, Jace," he said. An expression of mock hurt crossed Jace's face.
"Wow, I am honestly offended Alec, nobody has ever hurt me more in my entire life," he scoffed sarcastically.
Alec sighed and rolled his eyes. His fingers twitch as he restrained himself from pulling out his phone to check if Magnus had texted him. He knew he would be staring at a blank screen.
He picked aimlessly at his nails, looking up just in time to see the Ravener behind Jace. It's black, alligator like mouth seemed to come out of the shadows, teeth dripping with venom.
"Jace, look out!" Alec yelled. Jace whirled around, and started to draw a seraph blade, but Alec knew there wouldn't be enough time. He started running towards Jace, grabbing an arrow from his quiver.
Alec pushed Jace out of the way, and flung himself on the ground in his place. He drew back his arm, and let the arrow fly, straight into the heart of the demon. He was rewarded with a piercing pain in his side, but pointedly ignored it.
The arrow didn't kill the Ravener, but it bought Alec enough time to grab a seraph blade and stab the thing till it exploded in a shower of ichor and guts. Panting, Alec rested his head down, and closed his eyes in relief. Unfortunately, Jace didn't let him rest long.
"What the hell was that?" he demanded. Alec pinched the bridge of his nose.
"It's called saving your ass" Alec snapped. Jace rolled his eyes.
"My ass doesn't need to be saved."
Alec sighed, but didn't say anything since he knew arguing with Jace would get him nowhere.
"Are you going to lay on the ground all night, or can we go home now?" Jace asked. Alec hadn't even realized he was still on the ground. Slowly, he got to his feet, only to fall back down with a hiss of pain.
"Alec?" Jace asked, all humor gone from his voice, "What's wrong?" Alec touched a hand to his side, and it came back coated with red liquid.
"Damn," he cursed "The thing bit me." Jace kneeled down next to Alec, slicing open his gear so the bite could be seen.
"I can heal the cut with an iratze, but we have to get you to the Institute to get rid of the poison," Jace said, getting out his stele and drawing on Alec's skin.
"How long will it take to get to the Institute?" Alec asked.
"Maybe four hours, but I can call Clary to make a portal and get us out of here." Jace dug through his pockets, eventually pulling out a crushed metal object that vaguely resembled a phone.
"Shit, I must've fallen on it. Do you have yours?" Jace asked. Alec searched his pockets, but couldn't find his phone.
"Probably fell out," he offered lamely.
"Well, that's fucking fantastic," Jace snapped.
"Listen, we both know I'm not going to last four hours," Alec started, but Jace cut him off.
"Don't start, Alec. I'll find a way to get you back," he snapped, and Alec shut his mouth, knowing that arguing any further would be of no use.
"And how exactly are you planning on getting us out of these woods and all the way back to New York under four hours? No, forget four hours. It has to be under two hours maximum since that's how long it takes for Ravener poison to kill you. So, Jace, unless you plan to carry me the whole way back, I suggest just leaving me here to die," Alec said, pointedly staring at Jace.
"Stop being so dramatic, Alec. And if you insist, yes, I will carry you," Jace said, and yanked Alec up off the ground. Alec was immediately hit with a wave of dizziness, and he stumbled, bumping into Jace.
"Sorry," Alec muttered automatically. "Don't carry me," he added as an afterthought. Jace sighed, and grabbed Alec around the waist.
"Put your arm around my shoulder," Jace instructed. Alec tried to do as Jace said, but the poison pumping through his veins made his movements sluggish and uncoordinated. In the end, his arm just flopped uselessly by his side, refusing to do any more. Alec sighed in frustration as Jace grabbed his arm and put it around his shoulder.
"Okay, let's go," Jace said, and they started walking.
Their progress was slow, and Alec knew it was a lost cause. Every time he pointed this out to Jace, his parabatai just growled at Alec to shut the hell up.
So Alec shut the hell up. Talking hurt anyway. Actually, now that he thought about it, everything hurt. His whole body felt sore, like he had taken a beating. Jace was letting out a constant stream of chatter, but it was muffled, and Alec couldn't make out the individual words.
He kept seeing things from the corner of his eyes: people running through the trees, demons floating on the edge of his vision. And Magnus. Magnus was always there somewhere, darting through the trees, but whenever Alec turned to get a closer look, he always disappeared.
"Alec? Hey, Alec?" Jace called from somewhere far away. Jace snapped his fingers in front of Alec's nose, bringing Alec back to the ground.
"You with me?" Jace asked. Alec nodded silently.
Jace's golden eyes were filled with concern. God, Alec hated that look. It was the look everyone had been giving him since the break up. The worst was Izzy who was always asking if he was okay. Of course he wasn't okay, and asking multiple times didn't change the answer.
Alec felt a sting on his cheek, and realized that they weren't walking anymore. He was sitting on the dirt floor, leaning against a tree with the rough bark digging uncomfortably into his back. Also, Jace had just slapped him.
"What the hell!" Alec sputtered. Jace slapped him again in response.
"Alec, come on, you have to stay with me. Focus on the sound of my voice, okay? We're almost out of the woods. Just stay awake," Jace ordered.
Alec nodded again, but the second Jace said that, Alec found that he had an overwhelming desire to close his eyes. By the angel, he was tired.
But then he saw it: a little boy with messy brown hair and glasses standing in front of him.
"Max," Alec muttered. He glanced up to see if Jace could see Max, only to find that Jace had disappeared and Alec was on his own. A shiver ran up Alec's spine as he pulled himself to his feet and faced his little brother.
Max's face was painfully familiar: the unruly hair, large eyes that seemed too wise for any nine year old. But there was something off. Max was pale, almost deathly pale. Alec crept forward and gasped in horror when he saw the blood running down Max's face. It dripped onto his little brother's shirt, covering his innocent face and staining his glasses.
"Why did you leave me all alone, Alec?" Max asked, but it wasn't Max's voice. It was a dead, echoing tone that resonated through Alec's head, sending him stumbling back toward the tree.
"I'm sorry," Alec whispered, aware of how useless the words were. Tears were falling from Max's eyes and mixing in with the blood. Alec hid his face behind his hands and shut his eyes, unable to look at his dead brother for any longer.
When Alec opened his eyes, Max was gone, and he was staring at the floor, which was moving. His arms dangled uselessly below him like limp noodles. Alec tried moving, but then realized someone was holding his legs. He thrashed around in panic, waving his arms desperately.
"Alec, calm down! You're okay," somebody said. Alec realized the voice belonged to Jace, and he immediately relaxed. The calm that had filled him was almost immediately replaced with humiliation when Alec saw that Jace was carrying him like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder.
"I can walk, Jace," Alec said. He was trying his best to sound sure of himself, but the words came out half hearted and slurred through Alec's uncooperative lips.
"Nice try, Alec," Jace said, and made no move to place Alec back on the floor. Alec attempted to sight, but that morphed into a cough, which escalated into a coughing fit in which Alec's whole body was painfully shaken and left trembling on Jace's shoulder. He let himself go limp, momentarily succumbing to the pull of the poison.
"Get up, Alexander," a sharp voice ordered. Alec's eyes snapped open to see his father standing before him, features arranged in distaste. "You're a sorry excuse for a son," Robert Lightwood continued. Alec flinched against his will as the words hit him. He saw that he was once again alone with no Jace in sight and groaned in frustration.
"You're such a disappointment. So weak. You're not strong like Jace, or resilient like Izzy. You're mediocre, an embarrassment, a stain on the Lightwood name," Robert yelled.
Alec covered his ears and felt his knees go out. His legs collided with the cool ground and he cried out in pain. When he gathered the strength to lift his head, Alec's eyes widened in horror when he realized his father was right in front of him.
Robert Lightwood grabbed Alec's shoulders, shaking him violently.
"You're wrong and disgusting, Alec," he whispered repeatedly into Alec's ears until Alec himself was whispering it back.
"I'm wrong and disgusting," Alec murmured, the words pouring out of him as if he were in a trance. Then Robert was gone and he was replaced with Jace, who was standing above Alec wearing a worried expression.
"Alec, open your eyes," Jace said, which Alec found ridiculous because his eyes were obviously open. "Alec please," Jace begged, his voice cracking. The vulnerability in Jace's eyes triggered something inside Alec, and his perception of the world shattered like broken glass.
He came to in a taxi, eyes snapping open and gasping for breath. He was lying down with his head on Jace's lap, the car jostling as it hit bumps on the road. The smell of stale food and cigarette smoke invaded Alec's nose and he coughed unhappily.
"Thank the Angel," Jace said, and Alec stared blankly at his parabatai's worried face. "You were unconscious and saying terrible things, and you wouldn't wake up."
"Sorry," Alec said, the words clumsily leaving his lips. He felt as if he had swallowed wet cement, and coughed wetly into his hand. His fingers came away speckled with blood.
"Shit," Jace muttered, hastily wiping the blood off of Alec's fingers as if they could pretend it had never existed. "Just hang in there. We'll be in Brooklyn in a few more minutes."
Alec nodded, but he could tell that Jace was worried. He wanted badly to close his eyes and sleep. He was just so tired. He was tired of fighting Sebastian, tired of wondering who else would turn up dead, tired of feeling lonely without Magnus, tired of the gaping hole in his heart. And Jace was running his fingers through Alec's hair just like Magnus used to, and the ache in his chest was killing him.
Magnus had been the one to accept him. Magnus had been the only one to love Alec becasue he wanted to. He had chosen Alec, and Alec had thrown that all away. Now there was no one. No one to hold Alec in the dead of the night when he woke screaming from the nightmares that constantly plagued his sleep. No one hold his hand as he strolled down the street, no one to kiss him goodnight, no one to love him like Magnus had.
As if summoned by Alec's thoughts, Magnus appeared in the taxi, along with Robert Lightwood, and Max. Alec had no idea how all three of them fit in the tiny car, but they were hovering over him wearing identical mocking expressions.
"Look at poor Alec," Magnus sneered in a voice that was not his. "He's hurt. Again. How many times do I have to heal you, Alec? It's getting a bit old…"
"Little baby Alec," his father purred. "Always too weak, always caving in under the pressure."
"How could you have saved me if you can't even save yourself?" Max asked, tilting his head at an unnatural angle.
Their words pierced Alec like a thousand needles digging into his skin. He squeezed his eyes shut, praying that when he opened them again that they would be gone. This time though, Magnus, Robert, and Max were all still there when Alec opened his eyes, and they were each holding small daggers and wearing matching merciless grins.
Simultaneously, they each dug their daggers into Alec's skin and began carving. A scream tore through Alec's lips as he arched his back, body spasming in pain. He was blinded as white hot agony flooded his senses. He couldn't tell if he was still screaming, but he could feel warm tears slip down his cheeks as the three people he had failed punished him.
He could vaguely make out Jace calling his name from somewhere far away. Alec latched on to the sound, using it as his anchor in the hurricane that had consumed him. Slowly, he rose to the surface and his eyes fluttered open. His face was wet, but he was relieved to find that Magnus, Robert, and Max had disappeared and there were no slashes on his arms or chest.
He wasn't in a taxi anymore, but on a familiar street leaning against a lamppost with a terrified looking Jace hovering over him. Strange. Alec had never seen Jace this panicked, not even when Clary had been kidnapped by Valentine.
"By the Angel, Alec. You were screaming like someone was torturing you," Jace said. "The cab driver kicked us out, but that's okay because we're almost there."
Alec stared at him, hating how scared Jace was. He wanted to reassure his parabatai that he was okay. Instead, he could only stare.
"This isn't the way to the Institute," he said finally, worlds slurring. He wasn't even sure if he had said that out loud, or if he had just thought the words in his head.
"No," Jace said, and Alec knew he had spoken out loud. "Magnus's apartment is closer. Also, I think only warlock magic can heal you."
The vision of Magnus hovering over him with a dagger filled Alec's vision, and soon he was thrashing around like a drowning man treading water.
"No, no, no," he chanted. "You can't take me there." He couldn't see Magnus. Magnus hated him, and with good reason. Jace, however, did not seem surprised by Alec's reaction.
"It's okay, Alec," he soothed, rubbing Alec's shoulder reassuringly. "He won't let you die."
Jace may have thought that would calm Alec down, but all it did was cause him to panic more. Of course Magnus wouldn't let him die even though he deserved to. Magnus was too good, too loving. Alec had abused that love, and he didn't deserve to receive it once again.
But before he could protest, Jace had picked him up like a baby, and was carrying him down the street toward Magnus's apartment. He pressed the buzzer.
"Magnus, this is Jace. We need your help," Jace said. There was a pause, and for a horrible moment Alec thought that Magnus wasn't home. But then the speaker sprung to life, and Magnus's voice echoed through it.
"I thought I made it clear none of you nephilim were welcome at my loft," Magnus said, his tone icy and cold. Alec covered his ears, trying to block out the sound of Magnus's voice.
"No, no, no, no," he chanted. He couldn't seem to say anything else.
"Magnus if you don't open this door, Alec is going to die. I know you two broke up, but you can't deny that you still care for him," Jace said, ignoring Alec's protests.
There was a heavy silence in which Alec stopped muttering abruptly and stared at Jace. Then there was a click, and the door swung open. Alec heard Jace let out a breath, and then he was thrown over his parabatai's shoulder, and was carried up the stairs.
"Jace no," Alec whispered, but Jace ignored him. All too soon, they arrived at Magnus's door, and though Alec couldn't see Magnus, he could hear the conversation.
"What happened?" Magnus asked, and Alec flinched at the sound of his voice.
"Demon poison," Jace said. They were walking in the apartment now and Alec shut his eyes before he could catch a glimpse of the familiar rooms. The whole place smelled of Chinese takeout and misery. Or maybe Alec was the one who smelled like misery.
"He's been delirious and having hallucinations," Jace continued. Then Alec was being lowered onto something soft and warm and familiar. He cracked his eyes open and saw that he was on the comfortable purple couch in the living room.
"I need you to leave," Magnus said, his voice breaking through the haze in Alec's mind. Panic flooded him when he realized that Jace was about to leave him alone with Magnus. His eyes snapped open and he screamed.
"Jace!" he yelled, his voice cracking under the strain. Jace looked torn between following Magnus's orders or obeying Alec's wishes. Before Jace could make the decision however, Magnus was ushering him out of the room and into the hallway.
Alec instantly fell silent the moment Jace was out of the room. He curled in on himself as Magnus approached him.
"Oh my Alec," Magnus murmured. He lifted a hand as if to brush the hair out of Alec's eyes, but Alec flinched violently.
"Don't touch me," he tried to scream, his voice only coming out in a hoarse whisper. Magnus withdrew his hand, his vulnerable expression closing like a door. He waved his fingers in the air and blue sparks began to dance between them. They remained Alec of the blade that had flashed in Magnus's hand, carving through his flesh.
"Please don't hurt me, Magnus," Alec whimpered. He knew he sounded pathetic, but all the fight had left his body, leaving him drained and exhausted. He wanted it to be over. He saw but didn't fully understand the hurt that flashed in Magnus's eyes.
"I would never hurt you, Alexander," Magnus whispered, stroking Alec's cheek. The touch was so familiar and warm that all Alec wanted to do was sink into Magnus's hand and close his eyes. Unfortunately, Magnus's hand had vanished before Alec could act upon his thoughts, leaving his cheek cold and empty.
"Hold still," Magnus said, and Alec was too tired to disobey the order. He saw a shower of blue sparks and let his eyes drift closed as the magic traveled through his body, filling him with warmth and security.
"It's time for you to rest, Alec," Magnus whispered, and Alec felt himself smile. He curled over onto his side and finally let go, giving in to the peaceful void of unconsciousness.
Alec woke to a familiar blanket covering him, and a cat sleeping on his chest. He opened his eyes to see sunlight filtering through the almost transparent curtains of Magnus's bedroom. He carefully removed Chairman Meow from his sweater, which upset the cat greatly and he attempted to claw Alec's face.
Chairman Meow left in an offended huff, leaving Alec alone in the bedroom. The bedroom he and Magnus had shared for almost a year. The bedroom that was more of a home to Alec than the Institute had ever been. The bedroom where he had been happy for once.
He scrubbed his face violently, trying to rub away the nostalgia. It was then he realized he was wearing a soft black sweater and dark blue pajama pants instead of his gear. This was his favorite sweater. The one he had forgotten at Magnus's apartment. He hadn't been able to find it when he had moved out. Or maybe Magnus had kept it on purpose…
Now that he was fully awake, Alec could make out raised voices through the closed door. He unceremoniously climbed out of the bed, his limbs feeling like they had weights attached to them. Tiredly he crawled over to the door, pressing his ear against the wood to hear better.
"Why the hell did you even decide to heal him if you're so scared to see his face now?" screamed a familiar voice. Alec recognized it as Izzy, though he had no idea why she would be here.
"I still care for your brother, Isabelle," said Magnus in a calmer tone, but Alec could tell he was barely holding himself back.
"Then why are you leaving before he wakes up? You can't keep running from your problems," Isabelle demanded.
I'm the problem, Alec thought.
"Running has worked for me for centuries, Isabelle," Magnus said coldly.
Alec took a deep breath, preparing himself to intervene before the argument cold escalate. He grabbed the doorknob, using it to pull himself off of the floor, and then turned it, opening the door.
The curtains were drawn in the living room, striking Alec as odd since Magnus always kept them open. Izzy and Magnus were in the center of a giant pile of stray clothes and take out containers, glaring daggers at each other.
"It's okay," he croaked, underestimating how hoarse his voice was. Both Magnus and Izzy turned to look at him, Izzy looking relieved, and Magnus turning white as a sheet. "I can leave now."
Isabelle reacted first. "Alec!" she exclaimed, face breaking out into a smile. "Thank the Angel you're okay." She ran up to him, engulfing him in a tight hug that made his knees go weak. His head spun and before he knew it, he was sliding down the wall, his butt coming in painful contact with the floor.
Izzy and Magnus were both hovering over him. His breath caught when Magnus crouched down in front of Alec's face, their noses almost touching.
"The spell I used to heal you drained you of most of your energy. You'll be weak for a few days, and then you should be back to normal," Magnus said, not looking Alec in the eye.
"If 'normal' is going back to how I've been the last few days, I'd rather you just kill me now," Alec said bitterly, and then covered his mouth in horror when he realized what he had said.
Alec had been living in a miserable, denial filled haze for the past week. He wandered around the institute like a ghost, feeling out of place in the once familiar halls. But mostly he just kept to his room, perfecting the art of staring aimlessly at the ceiling. Isabelle and Jace would occasionally visit him, but it soon became impossible to tolerate the pity in their eyes, so Alec had taken to locking his door. Izzy and Jace had been nice enough to not use an open rune.
Alec was at the point where he would purposely hurt himself it meant a trip to Magnus's apartment, and now Magnus knew.
"It'll get better," Magnus said, reaching a hand to touch Alec's cheek. But Alec had had enough. He grabbed Magnus's hand, shoving it away and standing up angrily, ignoring the way he swayed on his feet.
"Stop doing that," he growled. Magnus raised his eyebrows, and Isabelle understandingly left the room.
"Doing what?" Magnus asked innocently, and Alec felt a sick pleasure when he saw the hurt in Magnus's eyes.
"Stop acting like you still love me," Alec whispered, his voice breaking pathetically. He could feel his throat closing up, and the backs of his eyes begin to prickle.
"But I do still love you, Alexander," Magnus said softly, his voice so gentle that Alec wanted to shake him violently. He wanted Magnus to scream at him, or throw something. He wanted Magnus to do anything except from what he was doing right now, which was looking at Alec like he was made of glass.
Then why did you leave me, Alec wanted to ask, but the words stuck stubbornly in his mouth, refusing to be voiced. He swallowed, and brushed away the wetness in his eyes.
Pushing past Magnus without looking at him, Alec left the apartment, ignoring the way his hands shook as he shut the door. He turned around and got a face full of a worried Isabelle whom he had forgotten was still here.
"I'll take it that didn't go well," Isabelle said, raising her eyebrows. Alec shook his head mutely, and Isabelle opened her arms. He went into them automatically, resting his head on her shoulder.
He felt a faint sense of embarrassment; he was the big brother and she shouldn't have to comfort him, it should be the other way around. But that was soon overpowered by the sudden rush of despair and hopelessness that coursed through him.
He could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, and he knew Isabelle could too. A sob wrenched through his mouth, but it sounded muffled like the sound had come from another person. He felt Izzy's arms tighten around him, and his knees gave out and the both sank gracelessly to the floor.
Alec had almost convinced himself that everything would be fine. He had been sure that eventually he would move on, and that things would go back to the way they had been before Magnus. But before Magnus, Alec had been miserable. His life had been a living hell. There was no moving on from Magnus Bane, and that was what terrified Alec.
He was aware of Isabelle whispering soothingly in his ear, but he was too tired to make out the words. With a jolt he realized that Magnus could probably hear everything from inside his apartment, and though the thought filled Alec with panic, he had no energy to lift himself off the floor.
As if she had read his mind, Isabelle looped a hand around his waist and hoisted him off the floor. Alec sniffed and ran a hand over his face, which was sticky from tears that had apparently stopped some time earlier.
"Let's get you home, big brother," Isabelle whispered and Alec nodded. With Izzy's arm around his waist, and the prospect of seeing Jace at the institute, Alec did not feel quite so alone anymore.