This was more of an emotional outlet than anything else, so some of the characters will seem OOC. I apologize for that, but in the end, I am only using these characters as an extension of myself. Of what aspect, I do not wish to say. As Mauberley from Famous Last Words by Timothy Findley had written;

'All I have written here is true, except the lies.'

I admit that it's total crap because I wrote it in 15 minutes, but bear with me. Also, at the end of the chapter, I might add a song that I think fits the situation. I may or may not do that for every chapter though.

Please R&R! Constructive criticism would be nice. Or, just be nice.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Yoshihiro Togashi. Songs belong to their respective artists, I merely changed some of the words in it.

Chapter 1: Despite that, I love you.

Kurama's pov.

"You know, sometimes I wonder if you really loved me, Hiei."

That was the last thing I said to him as I watched him leave. We locked eyes for a tenth of a second. And that was all it took. I understood everything. For behind those ruby red orbs held nothing but pain. Hurt. He was hurt. I had hurt him through my thoughtless words. But before I could take back my words, he was gone. He flitted through the open window, without uttering a single word such as goodbye. I thought we'd meet again. No matter what, no matter how much we fought in the past, he always came back. I believed he would. But days flew by, weeks, months, years had gone by without any news of him.

And I knew why. The night before he left, he told me he was going back to the Makai to mate with Mukuro, to inherit her share of the Demon World. Of course power and status was the most important thing to a demon. There was no such thing as love in the Demon World. You mate for power, higher status, stronger offspring. And the weak crumble and die. That's life in the Makai. That's why I didn't object when he told me that he was mating with Mukuro.

"If you love something, let it go."

Now where have I read that before? Seemed to apply here though. He would not mate with someone like me. I may have been a powerful demon once, but I softened for humans. The very beings he despised. I stay with them, study with them, laugh with them, protect them. I knew how much he hated staying in this world. Yet, I was selfish. I wanted to stay. And he stayed with me. I guess he could only take it for so long. It only lasted 3 months.

He left.

He left.

He left.

After he left, I could not concentrate on my homework. Yes, I was still in college. And this was turning out very badly. Not only did I think of him at night before I fell asleep, I thought of him during lectures, during exams. My grades continued to plummet down, like a meteor crashing down on earth, back when it used to shine so brightly. How pathetic, Shuichi Minamino, who was the class' top student, was struggling to pass his exams. How pathetic, the great 'Youko Kurama', who had just a little more than a hundred lovers before this fire demon felt so empty after that demon left. How pathetic, To crumble down by myself. I feel numb. Every time I close my eyes, his ruby-red orbs appears, staring straight into my soul, followed by his childlike face, and his spiky black hair. Oh, how I missed combing my fingers through that hair that defied gravity. That hair which was so soft despite how it looked. It wore me out, thinking about him day and night. Not knowing how he was doing, not knowing how that last line affected him. Even now, every time I think of him, my chest feels tight, my heart pounds faster. I feel like puking. Have you missed someone so much you could not eat? Have you been so tired you feel like puking every time you woke up?

-RINGGGG-

Well, looks like that was another sleepless night. I looked at the alarm clock. 6am, huh? I have to get ready for college.

How long has it been since I last saw him? Nearly three years. In two days it would be three years. Three years without a word from him. Despite that, I still love him.

I love you, Hiei.

Suddenly, I remembered that thing I hid behind my books on my bookshelf.

This was something I need.

Of the nights we shared
Mukuro is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know she's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, she stares)
I bet she gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my boy to dance, he'll say yes
But I guess

That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home,

you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay