Disclaimer: As long as I'm you, Winnie, I'd own Wicked. But as I'm not, I don't.
Alone with Elphaba in the dark room, Fiyero pleaded. He was not used to pleading and didn't like it, but then again, he always got what he wanted—and he wasn't getting this.
"Please, Elphaba..."
"No, I told you…I want to, too but I just can't do this to Glinda. She's my best friend."
"Yeah, and she's my girlfriend, but somehow I'm managing to do this." He really hated begging, begging was for poor people and losers. But he could sense she was weakening. Within a few minutes, she would give in.
"Oh, I know, but no offense, your, um, conscience is, well, not as strong as mine. Do you even have a conscience?" she asked him.
"No, maybe I don't." he stroked her cheek longingly. She didn't pull away.
"Thirsty?" A little alcohol would help the situation.
"Sure, maybe if I get so drunk I won't remember doing what I'm doing tonight, and it won't be on my conscience."
"Oh, Fae, you worry to much about evil and whatever." he said, cheering inwardly.
"Don't call me Fae, it makes you sound so sexy," she said, and he knew that he had won, and began his night of sin with Elphaba.
Fiyero woke that morning, halfway through 2nd period, he guessed. Inwardly, he groaned, knowing another detention was on the way. Had he done his homework last night? Of course he hadn't done his homework last night; he never did his homew—
Last night. All in a rush he remembered his night of sin with Elphaba. He smiled to himself as he felt her arm around him, more muscular that he remembered.
Fiyero opened his eyes, looked at his arm, and screamed.
He was green.
Fiyero quickly adapted his high-pitched scream into a manly yell. But his voice only dropped a few notes. He shut his eyes firmly and rubbed them with his fists. It was Elphaba's arm you saw. Elphaba's, that's all it was.
Taking a deep breath, Fiyero opened his eyes and quickly shut them. In the half second they were open, he saw a slender green arm and leg. Good. My limbs aren't slender, they're muscely. A sigh of relief escaped his lips.
He could feel Elphie moving. His scream must have woken her. "Wha…what's going on…?" she said, her voice low and groggy.
"Nothing, go back to sl—" the Winkie prince stopped and coughed. His voice was way high.
Fiyero propped himself up, opened his eyes and looked over at Elphaba.
He screamed again.
Elphaba was him.
Elphaba's eyes flew open and she—or was she a he?—screamed too. but her voice was manly, more of a shout, much more how Fiyero should sound.
For the first time, Fiyero took a good look at himself, and screamed once again.
Cuz he was definitely not a he.
Elphaba looked at herself, and screamed too.
Cuz she was definitely not a she.
They looked at each other and screamed yet again.
For a full 5 minutes, they screamed, stammered, and gasped for breath.
Finally, Fiyero managed to get a coherent sentence out.
"Y—you—are—you're—you're me!"
"You're me!" Elphaba-in-his-body responded.
"We sound like each other!" Fiyero-in-Elphie's-body cried in his new mezzo-soprano voice.
"We are each other!" Elphaba-in-Fiyero's-body said in her new tenor drawl.
"But—but we're, like, trapped in the other person's body!" Fiyero reasoned. "I mean, I know I still think like me."
"Yeah, me too," Elphaba agreed, checking out her man-body.
"Okay, so we need to figure out how to switch back. I know I can't go around studying and lecturing people on the nature of evil."
"Agreed, I couldn't stand 'prancing through life' or whatever you call it, which is just a euphemism for never do homework and slack off in class."
"So…what about sleeping again? I mean, that's kind of what got us I into this, it should get us out, right?"
"Good logic," said Elphaba, surprised.
"Why thanks." Something occurred to Fiyero. "Okay, that's gonna be so wrong." he looked down again at his bare, womanly body, and shivered.
"Ugh, you're right. But not right now, tonight, okay? We have to go to class."
Fiyero groaned. "You have to try to be like me, okay? Remember people think you're me, alright? So no answering questions, paying attention or doing work, and be rude to the teacher. Sit with Glinda or Avaric and avoid losers like Boq."
Elphaba sighed. "That's gonna be hard…You—or I, I guess—have history next."
"Whatever. Try."
"Okay, and you have to answer questions, pay attention, do your work, and be nice to the teacher. Sit with Glinda or 'losers like Boq' and avoid Avaric." Elphaba rolled her eyes. "In other words, exactly the opposite of what you do now."
"Hey!" Fiyero pushed her gently. "Actually it's true, Fae. Whatever. I'll just be quietly sexy, and no one will suspect anything. Not too sexy, though or someone will steal my girl." he smiled at her—"Remember, Glinda's you're girl still" Elphie reminded him—then realized he was possibly the only person on the planet that could say what it felt like to flirt with himself.
And for the record, it felt very, very weird.
"Elphie! Fiyero! Wait up!" Glinda flounced over to them. "What are you doing together? And Elphie, where were you last night? Why'd you skip 1st period?"
Elphie started to answer, but Fiyero stepped on her toe to silence her—"You're not Elphie, you're Fiyero," he hissed—
"Um, I was feeling sick last night, so, um, I spent the night in the hospital wing. And, uh, I was just leaving and I met, ahem, Fiyero," Fiyero improvised.
"And we were just looking for you. Um, Glinny." Elphaba added.
"Aww, that's so sweet." Glinda hugged who she thought was Fiyero, who hugged back awkwardly. Elphie didn't like being touched usually.
"So, um, let's go to class together," Fiyero said. "I know we have it together. What class is it again?"
Glinda gasped. "Elphie, not knowing what class we have? I never would have guessed. It's history, Elphie, your favorite subject! Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm—ooch!—fine." Fiyero winced as Elphaba stepped on his foot, taking advantage of her new manly strong feet.
"Once you're back in your body, you're the one that's gonna be hurting from that, you know," Fiyero hissed at Elphaba.
Once in the classroom, Elphaba made her way up to the front of the class as usual.
"Fiyero, I don't think I've ever seen you this close up before! Why the sudden seating change?" Dillamond said in pleased surprise.
"She—uh, I mean, he was just getting, ummmmm, a, um, Kleenex. Mm-hm, a Kleenex. Say bye, Fiyero." Fiyero took an iron grip on Elphaba's arm and steered her to the back of the class. "What are you doing? You're making me look uncool!"
"Well, you can't just sit in the back! I've sat in the front every day!"
"Watch me." Fiyero pushed Elphaba into a desk in the last row.
"Well isn't today a new day for seating!" Dillamond peered at the back row. "Elphaba, in the back! What caused the change?" he sounded ever-so-slightly hurt.
"Dude, why do you care?" Fiyero shot at the Goat.
Make that extremely hurt.
Elphaba stared daggers at Fiyero—well, more like herself—and gave another foot stomp for good measure. "You cannot do that! No, no, no!"
"He's a goat—"
"Goat!" Elphaba insisted angrily.
"Whatever, he's a Goat, it's not like—"
"Fiyero, I didn't know you were so interested in animal—I mean, Animal rights." Glinda cut in, sounding concerned.
"Dude, I thought you hated the goat!" Avaric shot from Fiyero's other side.
"Oh, he does," assured Fiyero, talking about 'himself', "He totally hates him. And I think that I will follow his example and start dancing through life like him, too."
Elphaba delivered the most excruciating stomp yet.
"Quiet in the back please," Dillamond called. "Elphaba, would you care to answer the question, since no one else seems able?"
Elphaba started to answer—"Fiyero, you may have a turn after Miss Thropp."—"No." said Fiyero.
Dillamond didn't say anything, just stared at "Elphaba" with raised eyebrows for a full 4 seconds.
"Oh hooray, staring contest with the goat!" Fiyero said, and widened his eyes at the prof.
The Goat blinked twice in surprise at his best pupil's rudeness.
"I win!" cried Fiyero, and threw his arms in the air.
"What are you DOING!" hiss-shouted Elphaba.
"Elphie! Why are you being so…so…Fiyero-ish?" Glinda asked.
Doctor Dillamond was staring at "Elphaba" again, horrified and shocked.
"Ooh, you want a rematch? Sorry, I don't do rematches." Fiyero told the Goat.
The professor turned away from his favorite student, and to 'Fiyero.'
"You wanted a turn to speak, Mr. Tiggular?"
Elphie glared at Fiyero for a moment, then looked at her favorite teacher.
"Yes, Professor Dillamond." she smiled courteously. "We were discussing the theory of Winkie and Quadling immigration? Well, being from Winkie Country, I put in extra effort to know every thing I could about the subject. My opinion is…"
Fiyero sunk low in his chair and covered his face with the sheet of paper he had been doodling on.
"Miss Thropp, please sit up." Dillamond scolded. "Excuse me, for that very rude interruption, Mr. Tiggular. I apologize on behalf of myself and Elphaba. Please continue."
"As I was saying, by the time the Winkies had immigrated, many Quadlings expressed the feeling that they, too, should be allowed the right to…"
Fiyero had already stopped listening to himself speak about God—and Elphaba—only knows what. He was busy scheming ways to get back at his lover-slash-loather. Because they both kind of hated the other by now. Fiyero knew he did: his rep was in the toilet.
After another excruciating hour, class was dismissed early. Dillamond rushed into his office for "half a dozen advil, thank you, have a good day, and Elphaba, I' Dillamond like to talk to you."
Elphaba appeared at Fiyero's side and hissed, "Go, now, and apologize." Then she was gone.
Wait, why was she—"Elpha—I mean, Fiyero, what the hell are you doing! Get back here!" Fiyero hollered across the classroom. Elphaba turned an instant crimson.
"Getting the extra credit assignment, Elphaba. And turning in the one that's do today." Elphaba chose to shout back instead of approach Fiyero and speak softly. The whole class stared and murmurs filled the tense, stale air. Obviously revenge was on Elphaba's mind, too.
"Oh, you mean the one for…um…Boq?" Fiyero attempted, trying (in vain) to salvage his sinking-fast reputation as class slacker.
"What do you mean? I'm getting mine myself," Boq said confusedly. Fiyero closed his eyes and willed himself not to pulverize the munchkin.
"Whatever." Fiyero trudged toward the Professor's office.
"Ah, yes, Elphaba." Dillamond downed his last pill. "I'd like to speak with you about your behavior today. One moment…Boq, Elphaba, here are the assignments, due a week from Tuesday. I look forward to reading these." he took their completed essays from them and dismissed them.
Alone in the room with the goat, Fiyero scowled. "What."
"Elphaba, your behavior today was uncharacteristic."
"Little words, please." Fiyero said, loving every minute. He knew Elphaba was listening outside the door because he could hear her wale softly with every word he said.
Doctor Dillamond looked at him strangely. "You acted oddly today. I expect different from you. I would like an apologize."
"Aww, does the wittle goat have hurt feelings? Does the goaty-poo need a band-aid for it's owie in it's heart?" Fiyero cooed sarcastically. Oz, this felt good.
Outside the door, he heard Elphaba slide to the floor, probably in shock.
Dillamond's eyes widened. "Miss Thropp! That is no way to speak to a teacher! Detention, today, after my last class!"
Fiyero forced his eyes to fill with tears. "Gosh, I'm sorry, Professor. I really do mean it. Will you forgive me?" Not waiting for an answer, he continued with his charade. He should be an actor someday. "I just always secretly wanted to be, well, liked, and popular. And Fiyero, who is just oh-so-very popular, always is rude in class, and today I just wanted to see what it felt like. And it just came bursting out." Fiyero concluded. An audible moan could be heard from the other side of the door.
"Elphaba, I understand. But that is still no way to treat me." Dillamond 's voice was considerably kinder.
"Yes, of course, thou belovedeth Professoreth. Thou shalt keep thus in mindeth for the future. Eth." Fiyero improvised, loving how he could sound stupid and no one knew he had said it. "I guess I'm just having a...a...a bad day, just so…um…you know…" Fiyero racked his brains for something else dumb to say.
"Oh…" Dillamond seemed to understand something. "Er, so you mean…female troubles?" the goat turned visibly pink beneath his fur.
"What the HELL! I am a friggin guy, you son of—" Suddenly, Fiyero remembered he was a female. Quickly he regained his composure. "Uh, yeah, just got a little, um, confused…um, yeah. You wanna just leave me alone, you wild freaking animal?"
The Goat took a deep breath, shook a few more pills into his paw and swallowed them.
"I'm sorry if I, er, offended you. And if I snapped earlier. It's just—" he emptied the remaining capsules in the pill bottle into his hand and gulped them down. "—it's just, everyone was acting so oddly today. You were acting rude and slacker-like, almost like…Fiyero. And Fiyero—not that I mind, of course, it's thrilling, really—but he acted like…like…you…" his voice trailed off, and Fiyero could almost see a light go on in his eyes.
"In the name of Lurline…" eyes wide, Dillamond shook his head in wonder. "I know what's going on. But you don't, do you? And you don't know how to fix it, do you…? You'll need my help, and possibly an accomplished…" Doctor Dillamond's voice stopped, something shifted in his round, bulging eyes, and his grip on the pill bottle slackened.
"What…?" Fiyero said. "No, I…"
The professor opened his mouth, nothing came out, and the limp body tumbled from the chair.
Apparently having heard the loud thump, Elphaba burst into the room, saw the unconscious professor, and screamed. Fiyero looked at the blank eyes and lolling tongue, and screamed too.