Kryten's Gift
Kryten sighed with satisfaction that didn't normally come from a mechanoid. He had developed in a way that was unlike any other mechanoid ever known. He had been experiencing maternal instincts ever since that time when they had crashed on the backwards Earth. On that planet they had become young boys, increasingly immature and independent. But Kryten still loved them. He still considered them the boys no matter how old they became. But a special date was coming up. Mr. Lister was turning 25, again. It had taken 10 years for Mr. Lister to finally become his own age again. And tomorrow it would happen, and he had a very special surprise for Mr. Lister.
Kryten still thought of them as children. They certainly had the immaturity and bickering nature to support that particular theory. He knew how hard it was for them to be stuck on Starbug, scavenging for supplies. The hardest thing for him was Lister's sadness. It had started when all the curries and lager was destroyed. They very rarely found supplies, let alone curry and lager. This of course led to a depression on Mr. Lister's point of view. He became detached. He still had cards night, but that was his only beacon of hope. But even then, and every other time, he had to endure his dull existence sober. Kryten could see that it pained him, but it pained Kryten even more having to see him so sad.
Kryten smiled at the knowledge that it would be different for one evening. Lister's 25th birthday coincided with cards night, a prefect timing. He was going to give him a present he would never forget.
Kryten had previously thought that something would happen to the supplies, he could just feel it. So he had kept a secret stash, completely hidden from anyone on Starbug. It was his biggest secret. In his cleaning cupboard, there was a loose panel of flooring. It had a small space in there. He had carefully vacuum stored a starter meal worth of 'shami kebab Diablo' (made exactly to Lister's favourite recipe), a chicken vindaloo (kamikaze hot with fire extinguisher on standby), half a dozen spicy poppadoms in a brown paper bag and a small pot of coffee icecream (enough for 2 scoops). He had 8 six-packs stored away as well. And just in case, a box of indigestion tablets. Enough for one special meal.
Later that day, he went into his cleaning cupboard, checked they were still safe, and smiled and walked out with a mop. It was the perfect secret. Nobody would find out.
That night, he made sure that everyone went to bed at a reasonable hour. Reasonable meaning it was at night. Despite their protestations, they went to bed at 9 o'clock, a first in 10 years for David Lister. Once they were in bed, Kryten went to his cleaning cupboard, brought out the secret stash and went to the kitchen. He put the lager and food in a hidden fridge. He went up to check on the boys.
He walked into Mr. Cat's quarters, where his elegant frame stretched out, his hair in rollers. He was sleeping soundly. As usual.
He crept into Mr. Rimmer and Mr. Lister's quarters. He saw Mr. Lister sleeping quietly, Rasta plaits hanging over the side of the bed. His blanket half down his body. He saw Rimmer, curled up in a ball, snoring his familiar whiny, shrill snore. As snickered quietly to himself as he noticed when Rimmer breathed out, his nostrils flared. When Kryten saw Mr. Lister shiver slightly, he pulled the blanket up around his sleeping frame. He patted him on the head and silently shuffled out. He started when he heard Mr. Lister whisper, 'good night Kryten'
'Goodnight Mr. Lister sir. Sweet dreams'
***
The next morning, Kryten set out breakfast for Mr. Cat and Mr. Lister. Thankfully Mr. Cat never complained about what he ate, as long as it wouldn't ruin his waistline. Mr. Lister was different. He hated vegetables and especially fruit. Kryten didn't know why, he just hated it. Mr. Cat came yowling in, ready to eat. Mr. Lister sloped in, looking slightly depressed. Mr. Rimmer took full advantage of the situation to, "Take the Smeg out of him".
'Ahhh Listy. Not looking your usual perky self. Last time you looked yourself, you were in Kochanski's bed. But not to worry Listy, I have great plans for you today. We're going to catalog our inventory'. He looked smug. Just like every other day. Lister groaned. Kryten interjected, 'Mr. Rimmer sir, that won't be possible today. I have a surprise for Mr. Lister'. Everyone was led to the A.R. unit.
Rimmer and Cat entered, followed by Kryten guiding a blindfolded Lister. The blindfold came off and Lister realised where he was. 'What's so special about this? I go here nearly every day'. Kryten said, 'Today you have complete control over the game. Nobody can spoil it. Take a look at the game'. The game popped up on the screen. It was called, 'Just For You'. Kryten had designed it for Lister. They all entered the game.
They came out through a doorway onto a beautiful beach. 'Is this Better than Life again?' asked Lister. 'Not quite' came Kryten's reply. 'This is a version I hacked myself. I designed it by what I know you want'. As Kryten finished, they heard an unusual clip-clop noise.
Kristine Kochanski rode down the beach on a horse.
She was wearing a white dress, and was smiling her famous pinball smile. A couple of horses followed her. They got on the horses and she led the way. They arrived at a small house on a farm. Two young boys, about ten years old ran out of the house shouting, 'DAD!' Lister instinctively pulled them into a hug, lifting them off the ground. Kristine came over, and joined the hug. She invited them all in.
They entered to find a small living room, with mismatched squishy armchairs. There was a bookshelf in the corner, filled with classic novels. By the window was an old honky-tonk piano. They now noticed that the two boys greatly resembled Lister, with small Rasta plaits and gerbil faces built for perpetual grins. They sat on his lap, playing with his plaits. Kristine brought them all tea and freshly baked shortbread cookies, still warm from the oven. They began to talk. Kryten explained to Lister, that for one day, he was on his farm on Fiji, with the cows, and the sheep, and they bred horses. She showed them outside. There was farmland, mainly used for a citrus orchard. There was lemons, limes, oranges, mandarins and grapefruits. In a nearby field, flocks of sheep grazed, bleating in the midday sun. Cows also grazed, near a shed. Kristine called, 'Okay boys, time to do your chores'. The two boys sighed and without an argument, went to do their chores. Jim led the flock to a new pasture, with fresh grass and a small pond for water. He clearly knew that sheep wouldn't drink from running water. Bexley began to milk a cow. Kristine led Lister by the hand, and took him into town, along with the others. When they arrived, they noticed a sign, which read, 'Bedford Falls: Population 2341' They saw a small town, with friendly faces exchanging smiles and festive greetings. They realised it was Christmas eve. They watched Bert the cop drive past in his cruiser as he waved his cap to them out of the window. They saw the toyshop flip its sign to close. Jim and Bexley raced to join them. Horace the banker walked past and called out, 'Merry Christmas to y'all!' Old man Gower was just walking across the street from the Chemists where he worked, to return home to his family. Old ma Bailey was crossing the road. She stumbled and her grocery bags went tumbling, spilling fresh oranges everywhere. Jim and Bexley immediately began to pick them up and put them back in the bag for her. 'Aw thank you boys. Your father and mother must be mighty proud of yer' She dug around in her purse and pulled out a small bag of boiled sweets and let them pick a few out. 'It's the least I can do for yer boys.' They all waved and exchanged 'merry Christmas's' before heading on their way.
They spent the rest of the afternoon singing carols with most of the town, around the giant Christmas tree. They all then returned to Lister and Kristine's small home. She kissed him tenderly on the cheek. 'I know you have to go soon, but remember I love you. I always have and I always will.' He kissed her back. 'I love you too. Someday we will be together again.' They leaned forward into a passionate kiss and slowly, everything faded away around them.
***
They returned to reality, to the A.R. unit. Lister sighed. 'Tha' was the best birthday present I have ever had. Thank you so much Kryten' Kryten felt his happiness chips go into overdrive, then they exploded with joy. 'Oh it was nothing Mr. Lister sir. I'm just glad you enjoyed it. That makes it all worthwhile. But… It's not over yet. The best part is still to come. Hurry.' He led them into the kitchen. Everyone stared as he pushed a small trolley into the dining area. Cat was given a tuna salad. And Lister, he got his favourite starter ever in the history of everything. Shami Kebab Diablo, not skipping on the chilies just as he liked it. Then came the chicken vindaloo, with half a dozen spicy poppadoms. It tasted so good, Lister had never been so happy, not even in the bed of Kristine Kochanski. Then the dessert, two scoops of coffee icecream. And of course, two indigestion tablets.
When Lister had finished the best meal of his life. They went to play poker. Kryten brought out the eight six-packs of lager. Lister nearly exploded with joy. His greatest enjoyment was here with him at last.
Beer
Glorious beer.
And so began cards night.
***
At ten o'clock, they were all drunk. Very drunk. The cards were tossed aside and they sat in Lister's quarters playing the ever-popular party game, "truth or dare". It was Lister's turn to choose someone. He chose Rimmer. Rimmer foolishly chose dare. Lister, Cat and even Kryten smirked and Rimmer knew he had made the worst decision of his life. He gulped
Kryten yelped in un-mechanoid like delight. 'Sirs, I found a GELF ship!' Lister slurred, 'Opening communictionsss' Cat hollered, 'Alright alphabet head, do your thing!' Rimmer strutted out, clearly drunk and walked up to send over a visual and audio. He shook off his robe to reveal a terrifying florescent yellow bikini, with large grapefruits in the cups. He sung at the top of his lungs and belted out the chorus of "Barbie girl".
The GELF ship turned around and fled the zone. Rimmer slurred, 'Wasss it sssomething I ssaid?
Rimmer was going to get his revenge. He had tricked Lister into going for dare. Rimmer grinned evilly and everybody knew they were in for a good performance. Lister reappeared from his quarters, dressed in a simple suit. He was given a microphone and he began to sing to the song, 'To Sexy for my Shirt'. Then the others knew what was happening.
He was performing a striptease. A very good one at that.
By the end of it, he was wearing a bright pink mankini which left nothing to the imagination; it was all there. They found out Lister had found it in Todhunter's quarters back on Red Dwarf and Lister had kept it for a laugh. It was a surprisingly good fit for Lister.
Kryten remembered at some point being dared by the Cat to juggle all his heads.
He remembered seeing the Cat pour beetroot juice on his 219th favourite suit. Which he would never normally do, and would scream in the morning when he found out.
By one o'clock the were all unconscious, except for Kryten, who was designated driver. This meaning he was left to guide them to bed and await to attend to their ferocious hangovers. He put them gently into bed. As he put Lister to bed, He gently patted his head and said, 'Happy birthday Mr. Lister sir. Goodnight and sweet dreams'. Lister muttered a reply in his sleep, something about good food and beer.
Kryten celebrated his successful birthday party by watching three whole episodes of "Androids". He felt so content knowing that his new master had had the best time in his life.
When he finished, he allowed himself to think. He had never realised just how fragile humans could be. They were sensitive little things. A wrongly put sentence could reduce them to tears. A seemingly small bump could break bones. In Lister's case, deprivation of beer and curry could lead him into a depression. But yet, they were so fascinating. It was amazing watching them interact. You could feel their emotions. You felt so good when they were happy. And yet, their lives would end all too soon. He knew this, and hated it with all his mind.
That night, Kryten dreamed of Lister on his farm on Fiji, walking along a beach with Kristine and the twins.