A/N: *SPOILERS* for 9x10 Road Trip! Seen it? Ok then! So, the mention of Gadreel's "boyfriend" really got my attention and THEN when I saw the look on his face when he saw that he was meant to kill Abner, I melted. It was really messy. And my muse shoved this in my face. Basically the completely bromantic scene between Gadreel and Abner seen through yaoi spectacles because reasons. And then because I'm me it turned from a sweet little oneshot into a painful 1000+ worder hurt w/o comfort. Perhaps slightly OOC. Enjoy!

The fallen angel steeled himself for yet more bloodshed. This isn't what he'd signed up for. As he rose gracefully up out of the Impala, he pondered his path here. Sure, Kevin had been necessary, the bastard Thaddeus had been his pleasure to end, but this was just excess.

Borrowed fingers unfolded a crumpled piece of paper, a name scrawled on it. He inhaled, and strode smoothly forward towards a dark haired man crouched low over a garden, barely noticing the bright red cloth castle set up beside him.

"Alexander Sarver?" he said—not asked, said— in a slightly robotic, gravelly voice, hand slipping inside the vessel's jacket pocket to curl around the cold metal of his angel blade.

"Yes?" the man replied amicably, straightening and turning around. Gadreel's battered grace dropped to become a cold knot in his stomach. The other man's face froze, unbelieving, for a moment, before he moved toward the fallen angel. "Gadreel…" he murmured, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Abner…" Metatron's soldier was horrified. No, not him, anyone, but him…

"I thought you were dead." Abner spoke almost breathlessly. Gadreel's chest heaved as he drew in breath after breath, trying in vain to process the situation. No, no no… "After all this time, what are you doing here?"

"I…" For the first time in a long time, Gadreel was struck speechless. "What are you doing here?" The squeak of old door hinges briefly drew his attention away from the other. A little girl came running out.

"Daddy, Daddy!" Daddy? Abner stooped and pickup up the child, affectionately pressing a kiss to her temple, his smile faltering when he saw the pained expression on his old friend's face.

"Delilah," he said softly to the small girl. "This is Daddy's best friend." An unpleasant ache gnawed at the edges of his heart and Gadreel saw the lines he had drawn so carefully in his mind begin to fade. "Can you say hi?"

"Hi," Delilah said sweetly. Gadreel's heart, what had been kept alive by memory of this lone angel, cracked. He gave her a small smile.

"You have a child." But he couldn't keep the pain and anger from his voice.

"I have family, Gadreel," was Abner's answer. His smooth, sound, damned cheerful, answer.

The ruined angel cracked further. "Look," Abner continued. "My wife and the niblet are going to a movie. Swing back in a few hours so we can catch up, okay?"

"Okay, sure," Gadreel replied much too quickly with a poorly faked smile.

As his old friend and daughter retreated back into the house, Gadreel let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding before quickly drawing another one. What the hell was he going to do?

It was incredibly awkward, sitting in this man's house, talking about his new job (like answering prayers, he said) and his family, all of which made the glue that held him together fail more and more with every passing second. Because it wasn't just any man, was it? It was Abner, the same broken angel from the dungeons of Heaven. The same one that he'd held through pain-filled nights, forgetting his own agony for the sake of comforting his friend. The same one who he'd spent eternity with until the angels fell. The same one he'd trusted. The same one he'd dared let himself love.

It made him hate. Castiel, the damned Winchesters, the world, everyone.

"You've changed, Abner."

"Yeah well, we're a long way from Heaven's lockup, from Thaddeus. I spent 700 years, I…" he paused briefly. "No, it doesn't matter." It doesn't matter? A mad smile spread across Gadreel's face.

"I killed him. I got our revenge!"

Abner dared wish he hadn't done that. So Gadreel continued, shocked. "He tortured us, you most of all!"

"Yes and you were always there to pull me back together," the other answered patiently.

"We were friends!"

"We are friends." Gadreel swallowed around the lump in his throat and spoke the words he'd never dared speak.

"I loved you." A smile graced Abner's features and he leaned forward, staring into the other's borrowed eyes.

"I know. And I, you." Though clearly not enough. Not anymore. Chasms opened in Gadreel's heart. "The fall, Gadreel, is our second chance. We can forget our old hates, who we were."

"It's not that easy…"

"Yes it is. Look at me. I'm happy."

Gadreel nodded stiffly, the pain becoming almost unbearable.

"And your vessel? Is he happy?"

"He was an abusive ass. But I…love my family and they love me." Metatron's soldier was forced to look down. He heard his friend continue to speak. "I'm not a wise man, Gadreel, but I do know this: the key to happiness is getting the one thing you want most and never letting it go."

"…There's a price…"

"There's always a price. But it's worth paying."

Tears prickled at the corners of Gadreel's eyes. He couldn't stop one from gliding down his cheek. That thing was the angel in front of him. That thing was one he could never have. What he could have was what Metatron offered him, but the angel blade felt so heavy in his pocket…

He remained frozen for another long moment before lunging across the distance between them and kissing his friend desperately, hand twisting in his hair, begging for Abner to return his love. He very nearly sobbed when he felt Abner's lips press briefly back against his own. Something akin to hope surfaced amongst the broken and cracking pieces of his heart, allowing him to miss the chastising nature of the returned gesture of affection. It stayed with him even after Abner leaned away and pulled his friend into a hug, one hand rubbing his back, the other gently stroking the hair at the nape of his neck, all the while whispering, "Oh Gadreel…"

Gadreel's hands clutched at Abner's flannel shirt, face buried in the crook of his neck, blind and deaf to the world, until...

"…All this time…If only I'd have known…I do love you, Gadreel…but not like this…"

Gadreel felt himself shatter into pieces so great in number and small in size that they could never hope to be put back together again. The shards were sharp and the agony so great that they consumed Gadreel's consciousness for a time. How long? He had no idea. But when the blackness cleared from his vision, he was lying on the floor, blood on his hands, the source being…

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

He hadn't thought it possible to fall apart any further.

By the time the annoying brother Winchester arrived, he had regained most of his composure and was in the process of washing his old friend's blood off his hands. His words were cold, his voice firm, passing lips still reminiscent of the feel and taste of Abner's, and the pain all-consuming. So when he sat in Crowley's chair, subjected to pins rooting around in his coding, he felt relief. Because he had endured worse, much worse. What else would they find, could they do, that he hadn't already lost?

I'm so sorry.

El Fin