Burnt Out and Broken:
Tyler Took a deep breath and slid down to sit on the floor in the closet he had snuck into to be alone while trying to not let his sobs nor the fact that he was having a panic attack be heard or seen by any of the other EMT's or Paramedics. He didn't want to be the next call for them to work on be him. Not that he didn't trust them. He trusted them JUST FINE, but he had no desire to go to the hospital as a patient anytime soon.
Overachiever.
Football Star.
EMT.
no problems.
Perfect.
God. I hate those labels. Preconcieved notions that everyone around me seemed to have about me. Makes people think that they really know me. They don't. Like it's so easy being me. It's not. I am so tired of playing all the little roles that I have to play. But try telling anyone else that. They would all look at me like,
'Of course it's easy being you. You just think that it's not easy being you. You are going places in life. You have a great career, you are going to have a nice football scholarship waiting for you when you graduate, yada, college of your choice, yada, other things to worry about.'
Yes. I know that I have a great job. I make a fair amount of money that I keep sticking straight into my bank account that holds my college money. So far I have about $10,000. I made an agreement with my mother and step father. If I made it to $5,000 by myself, they would match it. For every $5,000, they agreed to match it. I considered myself very lucky. I wasn't going to have to borrow tons of money for college. That was one of my little fears. There was only one problem.
The job. Don't get me wrong. I love being an EMT. And at some point I will take the necessary tests to become a paramedic. I am going to double major in College in Medicine and Psychology. I love going on the calls, I love being able to help comfort the young children who are scared and in pain. I love being able to comfort parents and ease their minds when they are trapped. I get emotional when we end up losing a patient, regardless of their age. Being an EMT is where I honestly feel that God wants me in his grand design.
Tyler took a drink of his bottled water and noticed his hand shook a little bit. He knew what was wrong. He was getting burnt out. It had been happening for the past 2 weeks. He had been getting in trouble with his parents, trouble at School, He had been talking back to the teachers which was NOT like him at all, He'd managed to stay out of trouble at work so far. And for that he was grateful, he liked Alex and obviously the people that he worked with. He was getting so close to that fine breaking point. He didn't think that he could take anymore.
His friends on the squad tried to understand. Val was constantly picking at him trying to figure out what was going on with him, trying to get him to talk to her. In other words, trying to be his mother. Tyler didn't hate her for it. He loved her all the more for caring enough to ask. Hank was taking a bit of a hard handed approach with him. He was giving him a talking to every single day. Letting him know that he would be there if Tyler wanted to talk about anything. Tyler knew he deserved them. He found that he liked Jamie's approach the best.
Jamie hadn't said anything at all to him. Other than to tell him that if he ever wanted to blow off steam, work out or talk. He would be there for him. Anytime, Anyplace. Tyler thought been to the conversation that he'd had with Jamie a couple days ago.
"Ty, Let me tell you something. I get a vibe from you that we have a lot more in common than you think. If you ever want help. I will be there for you. If you want to talk before going to Alex, Come to me. I'll help how I can."
Tyler appreciated that. Jamie had proved to be the least judgemental of everyone at the squad. Tyler took another drink of his water and blew out a sigh. His mind reflected back to the Call they had had the night before.
It had been a bad one. They were toned out for what was supposed to be an MVA. Minor injuries. He rode with Hank. Jamie and Val were on another call. Hank and Tyler felt that they could handle it alone. When they got there. It had seemed too quiet. They Got out of the ambulance and listened as they got the gear out. They couldn't hear a sound. Usually there were a few people around, and they could hear patients screaming for help or in agony. They heard nothing.
Tyler had immediately gotten on the radio and requested backup. They were told to get back into the ambulance immediately and to lock the doors and await the arrival of police. They did so and waited 10 minutes until the Police showed up. They were released to go back to the station and were followed by the Police. They were sat down with Alex and the police. There they learned the truth.
There had been a series of Calls that were hoaxes designed to allow a couple people to seriously injure EMT's and paramedics. There had already been several attacks and 1 paramedic had been killed in a neighboring city. Hank and Tyler had been about 3 steps away from getting themselves killed.
Tyler had been so close to death. He had never given the thought that he could have died any thought. Never thought at all that he could be in any danger because of his job. He had excused himself and gone home. He had needed to distance himself from it all for a few hours and to get some sleep, even though he didn't think sleep would be coming any time soon.
That had brought him to this point.
He went to work today. He had done a good job. It had not been very busy. Alex had asked him how he was doing at the start, making sure that he was fit to work. He and Tyler had talked for a few minutes before Tyler was toned out for a call. But Alex didn't think Tyler was off or anything.
They had lost a little girl. When they had pulled back in to the station, They had all gone their seperate ways to think and get their emotions in check. That was what had brought Tyler to the floor of the closet. Where he let out his tears and pain for no one else to see. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. He stood up and opened the door of the closet. He was relieved to see there was no one in the hallway. He made his way to his locker and took out a small package. He tucked it into his pocket and made his way to Alex's office.
On his way, He saw Jamie sitting on the couch alone. His head bent. Tyler saw that he was reading a book. upon closer inspection, Tyler could see the title of the book. "When someone you love is self injuring." Tyler took a step back and gasped softly. Jamie looked up.
"Hey Tyler. How are you? Rough call. I was just doing some reading and thinking to get my mind off of it for a few minutes. I was thinking about going to see Alex. Tyler, You should sit down. You look REALLY pale and as if you are about to pass out. Let me help you." Jamie got up and helped Tyler into a chair. Tyler pulled his knees up in an effort to shield himself and get his emotions under control. after a couple minutes he looked up into Jamie's eyes.
"Want to talk about it? I know that it's not just the call. or your near brush with death. You had a panic attack when you were sitting in the closet didn't you? Relax I knew you were in the closet. Otherwise I would have been. It's a comfortable place to be when you need to be alone. I won't push, but I'm here." Tyler nodded and took a shuddering breath.
They talked for about 20 minutes. In that time, Tyler came clean to Jamie about the cutting. Jamie told Tyler about the cutting that he used to do. Jamie looked at his watch.
"Alex should still be in his office. Want me to go get him for you to talk to or are you going to his office? Because you know, you are going to need to talk to him and tell him what you told me. You can't put it off any longer." Tyler stood up.
"No. I am going to go to his office and talk to him. I need privacy to do that. I don't want everyone knowing about this." Jamie stood as well, nodded and held out his hand. Tyler took it without hesitation and they walked down the hall to Alex's office.
Tyler could see the light on and the door open. His hand shook a little as he brought it up to knock on the door. He found that he had make himself knock on the door. Knowing that when he finished talking to Alex, he could very well be out of a job.
"Come in!" He heard Alex say. Tyler knew it was now or never. He took a couple deep breaths and found he couldn't open the door on his own. Jamie Pushed it open and literally forced him to walk in the door.
"Hey Tyler. What's up? How ya doing? I heard about the little girl. That's rough. What do you need? Hey Jamie." Tyler sat down on the chair next to Alex's desk. He took a deep breath, looked at Jamie and withdrew the small package out of his pocket. It was a small packet of straight razors. He placed it on Alex's desk and leaned back.
"I need help Alex. I'm barely holding on." Alex nodded, got up, shut the office door and sat across from Tyler and Jamie. Jamie decided that he wasn't about to leave Tyler alone unless Tyler said to. They talked for a couple hours and finally Alex asked him.
"Tyler, Why tonight?" Tyler looked at him.
"Because I'm burnt. and I can't take it anymore Alex."