Never mind the differences between the North American Sailor Moon dub and the Japanese original, what about the differences between the original series and the manga?
Warnings? This ficlet deals with relationships between girls, proper ones with kissing and cuddling and naughty things that take place off screen (out of hearing range as well). Yuri, shoujo ai, femslash. Let's not go on if we're homophobic or twelve, or holding a bottle of hand lotion, ok? If you think that being gay is evil or a sin and that all those filthy sodomites are abominations against God, then grow up. It ain't natural, sure, but there's a bit of a chance that the presence of gay people in our non-human ancestors allowed for the emergence of human society and our big, ugly brains. Bullshit? The reasoning is the same for menopause and no one thinks that that's evil (except menopausal women). But then you don't believe in evolution either, do you?
Have I offended you into leaving? Still with me? Good. Now, you're obviously an intelligent person who understands why I have to be snottery to keep foolish people from reading. So please enjoy. Oh, and Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, not me. I'm writing this because a passage in Volume 2 tells me she loves Sailor Moon fanfic as much as you and me.
*****
Minako's eyes widened at Yaten's chuckle and she dropped into a relaxed stance. I followed suit but said nothing.
"You've got me, oops", she said, maybe trying to mask her shock. Her brows knit over eyes full of distrust and anger. "Yeah," she started, "I've given my life to my one and only..." she trailed off, eyes dropping to the ground, lashes falling over eyes softened with the vision of her. I knew who she was talking about, I could practically see the vision that filled her mind. Long silver hair, smiling face. Let me crawl into your arms, Princess, it's our only dream.
Before Yaten had another chance to stab at poor Minako, I moved to her. "Actually," I said, flowing in behind her, "we don't need any men." I raised a finger to my lip, touching where she touched me earlier, resting my elbow on her shoulder. She leaned into me, head drifting to rest against mine and one hand brushing the fabric covering my thigh. I matched his smirk.
"You have a problem with that?"
"No. I wouldn't expect any less from a Sailor Senshi!"
Damn him. What does he know anyway?
*****
He knew enough to save my Princess, or at least his own Princess did. My memory's so jumbled that I can only remember flashes here and there. Venus and I running, hands outstretched to her, ripping in my chest, fighting against her, trying to kill her... And for the longest time, nothing, I could feel nothing. I was truly dead, my Sailor Crystal melted in the Galaxy Cauldron by Galaxia.
And then her power filled me, her beautiful, wondrous power and I was alive again. I awoke cradled against Minako, our arms around each other. I saw all that I felt mirrored in her eyes and we said nothing, tears streaming down our faces.
*****
"Usagi! Sorry we couldn't help you."
Is that the best I could have come up with? How about; 'I'm sorry that because I'm a crappy leader and a total airhead you died' or how about 'I'm sorry I tried my best to kill you' or why not just ask her to kill me? Tears burned my eyes, and I'm pretty sure they did the same to Rei as she gripped my hand.
But damn it, she ran to me and held me as if I'd done nothing wrong, burying her head in my shoulder and crying tears of sheer happiness. So glad to see me, so happy.
I love her so much.
Gods, I love my Princess to bits.
*****
And now, all's back to normal. Ami-chan's still hitting the books like there's no tomorrow, Mamoru-san's gone back to study in Harvard, Mako-chan's growing hybrid roses in school and Rei's still busy in the temple and at her own school. Hotaru-chan's a bit lonely without Chibi-Usa, but she's still having fun and making lots of new friends, Setsuna-san's still a school nurse, only god knows why though. Michiru's got a squad of fans following her around, though a certain someone chases most of them off.
And that someone's sitting here beside me, munching on an apple.
"Ne, Minako-chan," Haruka says, looking out over our high school (probably at the girls playing tennis down there, that ecchi!).
I glance over at her, brushing hair out of my face. The wind gets pretty strong at the top of the school. She turns and studies my face for a moment, white-blonde hair jumping every which way, then sighs and looks back to the ground, eyes soft and full of affection. She's so beautiful and strong; a great role model. I wish I was half as strong as her, maybe I'd be better able to keep Usagi-chan safe.
"Is she writing love letters again?" that low voice asks, meeting my eyes again.
And now I know her greatest weakness and she knows mine and we'll take strength from that, offer support.
*****
Rain falls over the shrine, rinsing the dust and muck down the drains. Phobos and Deimos are hiding under eaves somewhere and grandpa's poking around trying to fix the leak in the tool shed roof.
I retire to my room and fall onto my bed. The heat and humidity are really getting to me today. I close my eyes and let my breath slow down a bit. My mind clouds with hazy half dreams and I let myself be carried away on a tide of fuzzy musings of what will never be.
The next thing I know, I'm awakened as my mattress sags and a gentle touch brushes hair out of my face, stroking my forehead and cheek. I reach up and touch the gentle hand, our fingers twining. Minako smiles down at me as I open my eyes, blinking sleepily.
"He asked her to marry him." She says, a sad smile on her face. Once she weds, once she has her child... I close my eyes at the memory of what is to come. It's so selfish of me, I know. She's going to suffer so much, and all I can think of is how jealous I am of him. How much would I, would any of us, give to be the one she offers her heart and soul to? The one she smiles at first thing in the morning, who she turns to when she needs help. Who she says 'I love you' to.
Minako shifts on my bed, never letting go of my hand, and leans over me, touching her other hand to my lips. I smile and open my eyes. "She must be so happy," I whisper as Minako leans down, her breath warming my face.
"I've never seen her happier." She rests her forehead on mine and I can see her eyes shine wetly as she smiles. "She said she can't wait to start their eternity together." Black lashes fall over cornflower eyes, the light from the hall reflecting dampness on her cheek. "She can't wait for all of us to start our eternity, together forever."
I feel tears on my own face as a shuddering breath is released, a second catches in her throat.
"Eternity's such a long time, Minako."
She nods, and her lips touch mine.
I never thought it could feel like this, with someone else.
*****
"And maybe, I'll find some peace tonight..."
Your English is near perfect, nearly no accent. Rich as melted chocolate but with a sandpaper edge. The violin tucked under my chin isn't the best accompaniment to your piano, I think it's cello in the original, but I begin to play anyway. You're surprised, you didn't think I was listening. We play the song together, it's slow and mournful. You once told me that it was written as a dirge to people who died from heroin overdoses.
It suits us as well though. We could die any second from the fire in our veins, from our love for her. We know the risk, we know that our purpose in life is to serve as cannon fodder. It doesn't matter though, does it love? I know that you love her as much as I do and that you'd gladly give every ounce of your soul to her if she asked for it, as she has before. You've died, my precious, and so have I. But knowing that it could happen again doesn't matter because it would be for her, in her name and for her sake. It would be worth it, I know that, I know it for sure.
"May you find
Some comfort here."
You hold the last note for a few minutes, your eyes closed as if remembering something painful. But then, there's no 'as if', is there? You're probably thinking about the wedding. I put my violin down and sit beside you on the piano bench, wrapping my arms around you and laying my head on your shoulder.
"Love," I breathe into your soft ear, ruffling short white strands with one hand and caressing strong hands with the other. You grip me around the waist and bury your face in the crook of my shoulder, heaving great sighs.
"I'm so happy for her," you say in a tiny voice. I can nearly hear the sobs in your voice, my strong, beautiful Haruka. I love you so much, you're so very dear to me, more than I can ever say. "It must be so hard for Minako-tachi," you continue, nuzzling the side of my neck and throat. "I know that whatever pain I feel can never be as great as theirs, never."
You lift watery eyes to meet mine and cup my face gently, smiling gently. "I sometimes think I don't have a heart or mind or soul at all, you know that? She owns half of me," you begin to stroke my cheeks with calloused thumbs, your eyes never leaving mine.
"And you; you, my dear, sweet, wonderful, beautiful girl, own the rest of me."
Oh love, I could melt into you when you say things like that, when you touch me like that, when you kiss me like this. I pull away reluctantly, fingertips touching a fluttering pulse in your neck and chest. "I love you, Haruka." And I so rarely say it, so very rarely.
"Don't ever leave me, please," you say, toying with the soft, fine hair at the top of my neck, sending shivers through me.
"I won't, our souls are bound to each other as surely as they're bound to the Princess. I'll never leave you."
You lift me up in soft arms, catching my lips again and carry me to our bedroom.
I'll never be able to tell you how much I love you, Haruka. Because I don't think I love you half as much as you deserve.
*****
It's nice to have the girls around once in a while. I've grown so fond of all of them, I don't know what I'd do without them. Usagi and Mamoru-san left a few hours ago with Ami-chan, Usagi needs all the rest she can get after all, and Ami-chan has a dissection first thing tomorrow.
I'm glad I'm not a doctor.
Setsuna and Hotaru went to bed a while ago, and Mako-chan left ten minutes ago. Minako surveys my now sparsely populated living room from her position between Rei and Michiru on the couch and raises an eyebrow. She drains the last of her wine and sets the glass back on the coffee table and I cringe at the number of empty bottles. Considering that Usagi, Mamoru, Ami-chan and Mako-chan weren't drinking...
"Hmph," she starts, "no stamina at all! It's only half past one in the morning!"
"Just because they're not possessed party animals, like you-" Rei says, a light flush over her delicate features. Michiru smiles softly and I nearly melt. I could watch this all night.
"Oh hush," Minako says, folding her arms over her chest and sticking her nose in the air haughtily. Rei laughs and lays a hand on her tummy, tickling her gently. Minako squeals and tries to get away from her tormentor, only to be stopped when Michiru (my quiet, reserved and elegant Michiru!?!) grabs her wrists and holds them over her head, allowing Rei full access to her sensitive belly.
Minako makes a few high-pitched protests (y'know, aaahhh! eeeeeeehhh! noooo!), arching her back and drawing her legs up to her chest. I chuckle as Rei practically jumps into her lap to keep her legs down and continues her onslaught. I get out of my armchair and kneel beside the couch, snaking both hands out and delivering a crushing counter strike to Rei and Michiru. Both yelp, Michiru's hands fly to her sides to cover herself but she finds herself blocked by Minako so she pulls the blonde into her lap, using her as a shield (she's done that to Hotaru before, when she was the victim of a two pronged attack from Setsuna and me). Rei stops tickling her as well, and the three fall into a moment of relaxed giggling and I don't think I've ever seen such a wonderful sight on my living room sofa.
The moment passes when the three of them realise what a compromising position they're in and awkwardness seems inevitable until Minako pulls Rei (who's straddling her hips… I told you this was a glorious sight!) down into her arms, kissing her forehead affectionately and relaxing into Michiru. Rei lays her head on Minako's chest and closes her eyes as Michiru strokes her arm, letting out a contented sigh.
I scoot as near to the pile as I can, propping my head up in one hand as I watch them. Rei smiles and shifts her head slightly.
"I used to be so confused by you two," she mumbles as Minako strokes her hair. "I didn't trust either of you for a long time after you proved yourselves allies because you were so madly in love with each other. How could you hold her in high enough esteem, how could you truly love her if you already had each other? I couldn't understand it at all."
I reach out and touch her face, she who is so new to all this despite her apparent maturity. "Now I understand," she says, touching my hand, a great sadness in her voice. "I understand."
Minako lifts her face and kisses her gently. "Usagi is so pure and so good, Rei-chan, no honestly felt love can do her any wrong at all. She's love incarnate, failing to love to your hearts content would be a sin against her." Rei nods, and we're all silent. "Although," Minako continues, "that doesn't make it any easier, does it?" she murmurs into violet locks. "It might even make it harder, because it makes us love her more."
I woke up the next morning when Setsuna came in for breakfast. Such a beautiful tangle of limbs and shining hair and soft skin and delicate touches, I was loath to wake them at all.
I made damn sure to take pictures though.
*****
I often wonder why I feel this way about Usagi-chan. I've never felt this way about anyone before, let alone a girl. It's so different from anything I feel for anyone else. I love all my friends dearly, but it's not the same at all. I don't sigh when I see Minako getting starry eyed over the latest boy group. I don't flush when Makoto hugs me. I don't feel like my heart could burst when Mamoru compliments my studies. I don't avert my eyes when Rei looks at me for more than a moment. I don't feel light headed every time I see Michiru in a swimsuit. I don't feel warm all over when Haruka guides me through a crowd. You could call what I feel for them platonic love.
If Plato hadn't been an insane maniac with a taste for young boys who proclaimed that if you truly love someone, you'd not interact with them in any way.
Enough of that.
But love. What is it? Is there really any difference between the love I have for my friends and the love I have for our Princess? I can't say that I don't adore each and every one of my friends but I don't yearn for that same closeness. I want to melt into her, I want her to hold me and never let me go. I want to be able to hear her heart beat, I want to be able to do these things and have her accept me doing them.
I'm asking so much, such selfishness. But then, I don't expect these things to ever happen. I shouldn't think about them at all. She is the most loving person I know. She loves without question and with her entire heart. She feels the same way about us as I do for the others and feels for Mamoru what I feel for her. I'm sure of it.
Such a pure, innocent wonderful girl. How can I be saddened? It's terribly selfish of me, selfish and nonsensical. She's happy, and that's all that matters. She treats us all so well, never afraid to let us know that she loves us all.
All of us felt so empty before we met her and why not? A piece of our soul was missing, after all. When we found her, we all wanted so badly to reclaim that piece of our soul, to have her near us the entire time, to know that she's safe. It's never enough to know that someone else is looking after her, not when each of us loves her so much.
It's so confusing; no matter what I do or think I can't stop wanting her. No matter how illogical and absurd it is, I can't stop. Maybe I should talk to the girls about it.
Or maybe considering the way some of them have been eying me up, I'd better not.
*****
Such warm lips. Such a sweet mouth. Small warm hands gliding over me, sliding into my hair and under clothes. Skin soft under my fingers.
She's so small in my arms, so petit and gentle.
So soft.
It's nearly enough to make me not think about you.
*****
"Ne, Usagi-chan," I ask, rolling onto my back and nearly squashing my new manga.
"Nani, Hotaru-chan?" she says, watching gentle rain fall over the window pane in my room, her belly full and round with new life.
I pause. How to ask her. I'll just follow Haruka's example, I think, and bull on in. "When you defeated Galaxia and Chaos, you said that you gained something. I, I remember you looking so sad when you said that."
Her face falls, eyes become unfocused and distant. Not a sound. I remember her telling Setsuna about it one night a couple of years ago, and Haruka and Michiru were discussing it last night. Whenever anyone mentions this 'gift', they get so sad. I wonder what it could be? She's still not said anything, I hope I didn't upset her. I've gotten bigger, but it seems that my brain hasn't caught up yet.
"The power to lose everything and the power to save everything." She says slowly. "I gained that power."
I must look confused because the next thing I know, she reaches out and pats my head. A bit silly, considering that in my old (teen) age, I am in fact taller than my queen. Not that that would be hard or anything… "Is there someone or something that you'd give your life for, Hotaru-chan? Something that you depend on. Something that makes you, well, you. Something that you define yourself with?" I can't look at her in the eye anymore. "Something you cherish more than anything else?"
I nod. No, don't make me remember, please. Don't.
"When that disappears and you have nothing else, you can either collapse in on yourself, like a popped balloon, or find the strength to go on regardless, just so you can treasure the memory of your precious thing. It's then, and only then, that you can truly and selfishly save everything." She quirks her mouth and shrugs. "It's sounds so strange, I know, but that's what happened to me. When you all died," even now, the word catches in her throat, "I lost everything that I had to fight for. I wanted to die. I needed to forget that pain so badly. But I couldn't, I couldn't because I knew that if I were to melt in the Cauldron with the rest of you then no one would carry on your precious memories."
She lifts my chin and smiles beautifully at me. "Was that too weird? I can't explain it at all, can I?"
I force a smile, it feels pretty lopsided. "It's ok, I think I understand. How, how," I sound pathetic, "how did you go on without any hope?" Please, give me hope, please.
"Because I loved you all too much not to."
I hug her close to my chest and squeeze her. I think I can understand the way the others feel about her, the sighs and glances and furtive and forlorn faces. I understand, but I don't share those feelings. Not for her.
"Everyone has that power within them, as long as they love and are loved in return."
Her voice is muffled and I can't help but smile. I let her go and she holds my hand gently. "None of us would have that power without you, not at all."
She smiles mischievously and cocks her head to one side. "But I'm not your Princess, am I Hotaru-chan?"
I blush redder than your average tomato and cough into one fist. She just grins at me and taps my nose. "It's all right," she goes to leave my room but pauses at the door. "I'm fine with being your Queen."
Damn, our Usagi's grown up without anyone realizing it.
*****
Usagi and I are sitting on a bench in the park, watching Small Lady scoot around after a ball, munching on ice cream cones. Oh, isn't she a dote! Her hair's nothing but fluff on her head (the poor child was practically bald until a month or two ago).
"Usagi-chan, she's so cute!"
Usagi nods happily, munching on her cone happily. She looks like she's a child herself again when she does that! Our beautiful, precious Usagi-chan. Small Lady pulls herself up on the edge of the bench, waving chubby hands at Usagi's cone, causing a serene smile to spread over her features.
She lifts her child, cradling her baby in slender arms and talking mother-ese to the bouncing bundle on her lap. She's smiling the whole time, lips curved up beautifully, eyes soft and full of affection for her daughter. She breaks off a tiny piece of cone, scoops up some ice cream and feeds it to her Small Lady.
"Isn't that nice, that nice? Yummy ice-cream, yummy!"
Small Lady laughs loudly at her mother, taking a fist full of ice cream and licking her fingers, then offering the mucky pile to her mother, patting porcelain cheeks and leaving chocolate-y handprints everywhere. Usagi makes a face, then laughs, kissing her child on her forehead. She whips out a baby wipe and cleans Small Lady up before sending her off after her ball again.
"What a mess, Mako-chan, look at me."
I do, and despite the fact that she's covered in melting ice cream and bits of wafer, her eyes are soft and dancing with mirth. I laugh, I laugh and laugh until my sides ache and tears stream from my eyes. I take a baby wipe from her and clean her up, leaving her skin, well, as soft as a baby's backside. Although I don't think it's politically correct to say that anymore. Ah well.
"Thanks Mako-chan!"
"Ara, no problem." Oh God's, I'm blushing. She smiles impishly and reaches up to clean a spot of ice cream from my cheek.
"There, the favor's returned." I could melt at this moment in time, absolutely melt. She's so full of joy, our Usagi-chan. She brings so much joy and love to us all, more than we ever imagined could exist. This world is hers, this world and all the people on it are here to keep her happy and make her smile. And if they're not, then they should be, I reckon. She never asks for anything in return, she fills our hearts and souls with such warmth and never, ever asks for a reward or even an acknowledgement of her greatness.
So selfless, so innocent and pure and good and wonderful. I'd do anything to keep you happy, Usagi-chan, anything.
I pull her into an impromptu hug, but she shows no signs of being startled or annoyed. She burrows into my arms and hugs me back, her soft head under my chin. I expect she's used to this kind of behavior by now, she'd have to be. She backs out of the embrace and kisses me on the forehead, her soft power filling me, sustaining me until the next embrace, to the next time soft, warm lips caress me.
She looks into my eyes, blue eyes clear and guileless, such honesty and love. I know she knows how we all feel for her, that moment I know that she knows my heart beats only for her and her happiness.
"You know, I read somewhere that Jupiter protects the Earth. If it wasn't for Jupiter's gravity then tons of comets would hit us, maybe something as big as Shoemaker-Levy." She hugs me again, smiling up at me. "Just like you, Jupiter protects the weak little, tiny, rock of the Earth."
I smile wanly. "I'll always protect you, Princess."
Small Lady chooses that minute to crawl over and demand attention. She sits between us on the bench and if I could make this day last forever for my Princess, I would. My sweet, beautiful, wonderful Usagi-chan. I'll tear the stars from the sky to keep you safe.
*****
I sink deeply, deeply into silken sheets and sigh loudly, too drained to even pull a blanket over me.
I did it. I finally, finally defeated Sailor Chaos.
But I couldn't have done it without Eternal Sailor Moon, without Tsukino Usagi. Oh, I'm still her, really, but a thousand years can change a person, and it's changed me. Sapped my strength and worn me down to nothing.
For many, many decades my dear, my beloved husband has lain in a coma. He can project his form, but there is little else he can do. He can rarely touch, he can't be touched. I can't hold him to me, I can't crush him in my arms like I used to, or cuddle up to him at night... it's terrible. I've shared my bed with him for countless years (905, if you must) and my soul for an eternity. And now, he lies in a cold, cruel coffin, life sustained by the crystal around him.
I roll into my pillow, wrapping my arms around it and sighing hugely. What a selfish woman I am. After the Black Moon's attacks, after my own taste of lying in one of those glass prisons I should know better than to leave my husband there, than to leave my friends there. My beautiful, wonderful Inner Senshi were able to move around for a few months after we were all saved by Sailor Moon, what a glorious time! As if we were back in high school, all of us together again. But before long the strain became too much and one by one they lay back down in their coffins, and now the only thing keeping them alive is the palace's enchantments and their will to serve me. A few weeks after Venus closed her eyes for the last time, Endymion did the same. And Luna and Artemis, in their basket at the foot of my bed... unmoving for sixty years this time.
And what of our poor daughter? The past is a far better place for her, but she cannot remain there forever. When she came home this time, I told her. I let her know the truth of her father's and friends' situation. I even showed her the Outers.
Oh? The Outers. You didn't know. Well, maybe I should explain. There is simply no way to kill a Sailor Senshi, except maybe the destruction of our Sailor Crystals, but that didn't slow us down for long in the past... Anyway, just before the creation of Crystal Tokyo there was a battle, a great, horrible, terrifying battle for our little planet.
I rise, fatigue and weariness gone now, and walk down into the bowels of the palace. You see, before Death Phantom became a being of pure will, he was a man. A man, born like you or I to a mother, he went to school, he graduated from college and somewhere, developed a horrible fascination with the black arts. A long, long story short, he was the catalyst that was needed for the creation of this city, the power released to repair the damage done to this star brought me further and further away from my 'normal' form as Tsukino Usagi and I became one with Sailor Moon, total immersion in my own power, a complete awakening. The others went through the same, and it was the tremendous power of the three outer senshi (Pluto had vanished altogether, it seemed) finally reaching into their souls that allowed my tiny, tiny crystal to expand and become the huge magnifying glass of a palace it is today. I don't need a crystal, or henshin phrases, or fancy sticks anymore, just a thought. The crystal focused my powers, allowed me to tap into the awesome power of the cosmos and the moon to help people. But what use is the crystal if it can't help everyone? It was that idea that created this palace. The power from the crystal softly flows through the world, suffusing it with just enough energy to allow the inner light of everyone here to shine through. People are wonderful, in the end. Just a tiny push, any excuse, and they will pour their soul into their life.
I touch the immense pillar before me and tears cloud my vision. For a thousand years, I've come down here to gaze at the bodies of three of my nearest, dearest, most beloved friends hang in the crystal. Their coffin is the palace, their coffin is the foundation upon which this world is built. Their strong, wonderful hearts allowed this world to be born, by taking a blast for me, by protecting me with the shining glory of their love they allowed me to help every person on this planet. It would be possible to remove them, the crystal is still under my control and will not shatter with their bodies gone, but I have no desire to see the breath gone from their lips, to feel cold skin touch mine, to release them from my heart.
Haruka, Michiru and Hotaru are dead, but in this coffin their Sailor Crystals remain sleeping eternally in their bodies, lending me strength and protecting this world. I believe more than a little of their influence has spread though, their minority group is less of a minority now. Their dreams of heaven must surely revolve around each other, filled with love and peace.
I walk around a bit, trying to get a decent view of my three warriors. In death, they don't look at all like the fierce warriors they were. They each stand, eternal wings spread behind them, holding each other close. Through the layers, through the shimmering facets of ten feet of crystal, I can see tears stream down Neptune... Michiru's face as she holds her daughter to her heart with one arm and draws Haruka in for a kiss with the other, Haruka's gloved hand covering her fingers with so much tenderness. As I press myself to the crystal, I can see how she stands so proud and tall, enveloping her family in strong arms, protecting her princess. A hand on Hotaru's head, the youngest senshi's arms flung around their waists, her Glaive suspended a few meters behind her, Haruka's sky blue wings curling around her. Oh, what have I done?
I tear myself away and race upstairs to the gallery where the Inners, Pluto and Endymion lie. Endymion is resting now, far too tired to attempt a walk about. I was surprised that none of the others could ever master that trick, not even Rei, but maybe it was the Golden Crystal protecting him. I kneel at each of their tombs, watching their still faces. Oh, my loves, my precious, precious wonders. I collapse and weep over Venus's coffin, my tears shining as they rain over the cold, clammy shell.
How selfish, how wretched I am! The fight with Sailor Chaos has taught me that much, as has my younger self. They deserve a slumber, real peace. Not this artificial, selfish idiocy! They'd never ask to leave me, they'd never leave me. They'd rather lie between life and death for eternity. No chance for peace, no hope of ending it. Sobs rip from my chest, and I feel small arms around me.
"Mama," Small Lady whispers, running a hand down my back. I wrap my arms around her neck and sob pitifully. While she was in the past for the last time, she felt the passage of a few hours in the centre of the Galaxy. Here, decades passed. Well over twenty long years. Why? I simply asked Pluto to wait until things were better here, until after the battle with Chaos was won to bring her back from her ordeal with Galaxia.
More selfishness. I couldn't stand for her to see me so weak. Once she was ready to come back from the past, she was plonked further down the time line than I knew existed. Kinda. Pluto said she 'threw her in an inter-dimensional cupboard' where time and space bend into a strange singularity and cease to have much meaning until I was finished with Chaos. In the blink of an eye, she missed the bloodiest, most terrifying battle I've ever fought. I hated it, I hated having to be alone. I hated having to feign shock when Pluto revealed a disturbance in the past.
Hmm... Pluto is a complicated case of time travel. Eternal, stranded in one place by the will of the Silver Millennium until her death here in Crystal Tokyo by Endymion's side, then reborn in the past to join the new force, ten scouts, one destiny. She helped in the battle with Galaxia and then popped out of existence entirely, it seemed, to give her predecessor time to sort out the bother with the Black Moon, then appearing here with no memory of the Galaxia Battle. I hate to think of what could happen to her at that Time Gate. The Necronomicon of doors. I don't know how she kept her mind intact at all. Maybe she didn't, maybe a complete snap of the psyche, a total loss of memory is the only way she can deal with remembering the possible future.
But I digress. Once Small Lady got home, the first thing she asked was to see Hotaru-chan. And I showed her. Such tears. Inconsolable. Then, finally, I thought I could rest in my bed, but my heart won't let me. My dear, dear child. I love you so much, but I can never make you happy. I can't give you your best friend, I can't give you your aunts or your father. I don't think I can even give you myself anymore.
"Mama?" she whispers, sniffles and sobs still shake through me.
"Small Lady, Usagi, I need to let them go. I need to let them be reborn."
She freezes. "But they can't be reborn again until there's trouble," she voice trembles, "that could be a long, long time." A thought grips her, and she strokes my hair. "And they can't be reborn without you to guide their souls."
I'd have to die too... Please, I'm so tired. "A thousand years is so long, Small Lady."
"But, what about you and Papa and Hotaru-chan? What will I do without you?"
Such pain in her voice, such innocence still. The same fate that befell me and my senshi... although technically Hotaru IS one of my senshi. I cling to her tightly. She loves the senshi of Death and Rebirth as much as Hotaru loves her, and she doesn't have a clue. "We'd never leave you, my darling." I press a kiss to her forehead. I don't want death, not at all, I want to laugh and play and be with my friends and family again. I don't want them to lie in stale tombs for the rest of eternity, dreaming of their useless princess. The only way I can give them some happiness is by allowing ourselves to die... to abandon my daughter with a promise that we will return.
What am I to do?
*****
They can't walk around to say hello to me, but I can still visit their dreams. I lie back in bed and call on their Sailor Crystals. I can see their glow, I can see their shine! I'm falling, falling into their dreams before I even hit the pillows.
I'm in the Outer's mansion, dressed in my school uniform. I remember this! I came over to ask Haruka if she could let the mechanics in her garage fix Mamo-chan's car (what? You trust auto mechanics who aren't working under Haruka's shadow?).
"Hello? Anyone home?" Ooh, pink house slippers in my size with bunnies!
"Ah, Usagi-chan!" Michiru calls. She rushes out to greet me a few moments later, hair tied back, flour spotting her cheeks. "How are you?"
"Fine, thank you. Have I come at a bad time?" ooh, I'm disturbing dinner!
"Not at all! Would you like to stay for dinner?" Ah, Michiru's such a good woman! Feeding me as well as everyone else.
"If it's not imposing…" Michiru's a very good cook, and I don't want to leave at all, but there's not use in being rude.
A gentle smile. "Of course not, Usagi-chan. Come on in, and please excuse the mess."
Michiru's busy making a pie of some description, she's a great one for trying out new recipes that Mako-chan gives her. "So, how's school?"
"Fine, thank you." Damn, Haruka and Michiru graduated last year. Lucky ducks. "All those study sessions paid off!"
Michiru raises an eyebrow as she kneads the dough. "Ami-chan can get quite scary at times, ne?" I nod emphatically, hair bobbing everywhere. "But still, one year left and then you're free to do what ever you want."
I sigh. "I don't think there's much I can do. I doubt I'll get into college."
"If Haruka can manage, so can you."
My eyes widen. They're NOT perfect? Oh my. "Haruka-san was bad in school?"
"Atrocious! She nearly failed most of her classes." A twinkle in Michiru's eye tells me that there's more to this!
"So, what happened?"
"Well, she and I were both in juku, we weren't in the same middle school back then. One day the teacher called her to the board to answer an equation but she made a few mistakes and couldn't solve it. She threw the chalk at the board and stomped away in disgust." My eyes are like saucers, I bet. Michiru starts to giggle softly. "It would have been dramatic, but then she went and slipped on the chalk, fell face first onto my desk and broke her nose."
"Oh! That's terrible!"
"I brought her to the hospital and well, one thing led to another…"
I sigh happily, little hearts dancing around. "That's lovely! Not too romantic though."
Michiru sits across the table from me and quirks an eyebrow. "I'll tell you about our first date if you want romance."
So, many, many hours later we're still chatting away about the miracle of love that is Haruka and Michiru. Cute! Michiru's pie is in the oven, simmering away and stewing in its own juices (Irish stew pie, I think, with real Guinness!). Michiru's leaning back against the back of the couch, telling another tale about Haruka and her various antics. I swear if I ever need a favour from that girl again… I own her!
"… and her little sister paled and ran away, her father belly laughed and her mother rolled her eyes."
"It must have been scary! Telling your parents that you've got a girlfriend. It's bad enough with a boyfriend…"
"It was, it was. But it was worth it." Michiru turns and looks at me. "How does your mother feel about you being engaged already?"
I shrug. "She likes Mamo-chan, and he's growing on Papa. Shingo thinks he's really cool 'cause he's a college student. Papa still thinks he'll be too poor for years to support me though."
Michiru laughs. "He won't be able to keep you in the luxury you're accustomed to, ne?" Scowl. "Don't make faces, it gives you wrinkles."
A change comes over her suddenly, she's much more solemn. "You're a very lucky girl, Usagi. Very lucky." Sadness in her eyes.
"Don't worry, Michiru-san, I promise that you and Haruka-san can be together forever, I'll make sure!"
Michiru reaches out and cups my cheek. She's everything I want to be and more. Elegant, refined, brave and intelligent. A warrior but filled with ethereal grace. I want to be more like her.
"Thank you, Usagi." She leans forward and kisses me, directly on the lips (oh my! I've kissed more girls in my life than guys… what kind of a reputation will I earn? Actually, it's nice to kiss girls, no stubble and they tend to brush their teeth more). She holds the kiss for a moment and draws back. Oh kami-sama, what do I do now? Crap!
She pulls back and looks me in the eye, obviously amused at my apoplexy. "Hmm, just making sure Haruka wasn't exaggerating about your kiss."
I do the only thing I can think of. I tackle her and embrace her around the waist, hugging tightly. She strokes my hair and hugs me back.
"I promise I'll protect your happiness, Michiru-san."
"My happiness is your happiness, Princess. Keep your heart filled with joy and I'll always be happy."
And suddenly, I'm flying through scenes and people.
Ami-chan blushing as I hug her for installing Windows 2000, laughing that I'll get great pleasure out of being able to play Sailor V at home and that'll be fun for everyone.
Rei-chan dressing me in a kimono for a festival we all went to in Hokkaido, laughing as I twirled in the light of the moon, wishing I was outside in the falling snow and telling me that she'd love to watch me dance forever, that just watching me countered the chill of the snow.
Mako-chan carrying me to bed one night after I'd fallen asleep on her couch during a movie and telling me not to worry about getting up in the morning, that she'd see to my mama and papa and everything.
Minako-chan embracing me as she told me of her relationship with Rei, tears rolling over her cheeks as I whispered that her happiness was all that mattered and receiving an emphatic denial that mine was far more important.
Haruka giving me a piggy back to her car when I lost my favorite shoes at a water park and her telling me not to be such a forgetful kitten and to stop crying, that she was the one who should cry over having to spend money on a new pair of shoes for me.
Hotaru-chan crying on my shoulder when Chibi-Usa left for the last time, her young heart not able to name what was tearing it apart.
Setsuna massaging my feet when I was pregnant and bloated and telling me that I was to stay in bed for the last few weeks, that she'd manage everything and make sure that everything went smoothly with my life.
Michiru holding me as I promised to let her spend eternity with her lover, because I was unable to give her the one she wanted most.
I gasp as the images flood my brain and sit straight up in bed. Those dreams weren't even theirs! They were mine, my memories. They can't even dream anymore, their Sailor Crystals are too weak to keep even the simplest illusions going.
I sink into my sheets, weeping. Oh, my poor senshi. What have I done to you all?
*****
And it is done. They're dead now. I have left my daughter with the fate of the entire planet in her small hands.
I have released all the senshi but Venus so far, and I sit poised to do so. Her coffin has melted away, leaving her lying serenely. I stroke her hair away from her face and kiss her cheek, then her lips, her cold, cold lips. My senshi, dead for so long and me, unwilling to give you up. I close my eyes and picture her flying away, golden wings spread around her. You loved me so much, and I loved you as well. How it killed me to see the pain of unrequited love in your eyes for a thousand years, in all your eyes. You all knew that I knew, but what could I have possibly said to have made it easier? Only lies, lies and half truths and building up hopes and crushing them. I couldn't do that to them, any more. I wish I could have kissed you even once, Minako-chan. You all would have thought I was lying if I'd said that though, that I was just trying to make you all feel better. Maybe. Maybe my happiness depends on all you as much as yours depends on mine.
And her body is gone, a tiny breeze rustling the dust on the marble slab. I blacked out then, my heart too sore and tired to go on.
Small Lady tucked me into bed, and stayed by my side until I died, one stormy night seven months later. I'm sorry to leave you with the world on your shoulders, Usagi. But I can't stand this anymore.
I'm deeply in love with nine people and to end their suffering, I let them re-enter the cycles of life we go through. I have to go with them, I need to.
*****
We're all such complete fools. Everyone alive. We love the wrong people, the wrong people love us and it all ends in tears. I would pretend for a millennium that I felt nothing for you, because you could not give me your heart fully, or because I couldn't give mine. And there isn't a way to change this, except to stop loving and start hating.
But isn't it worth all the pain and hurt to see the ones you love smile?
*****
Enjoy? I hope so. Love is love, and it will kill you someday.
"Angel" belongs to Sarah Mc Lachlan.