A/N: Okay, this is something I came up with when I was really bored and
needed to humor myself. Sorry, I made Gandalf somewhat of an idiot, and
maybe a few of the others, but hey. If you watch Monty Python, Yay!!! Go
you! I love Monty Python, so r&r pleez!!! Enjoy!
1 Ch. 1: Gandalf vs. Saruman
Saruman walked steadily over to his nifty black, chair/throne, and sits down staring at Gandalf. "The hour is later than you think—"
"Oh and how do you know what I think?" Gandalf asked furiously.
"You just told me you loon," Saruman retorted rolling his eyes, "okay, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the hour is later than you think Gandalf. Just last week the nine crossed the river of Isen."
"Oh, and how do you figure that you old crack pot?!?"
"I live here!!! I swear old man you get wackier every time I see you."
"And who are you calling an old man, old man," Gandalf said looking defiant.
"Nut-case," Saruman muttered to himself then spoke to Gandalf, "listen you, the nine will find the wee little halflings, and destroy them."
Gandalf looked puzzled for a moment then realization crossed his face, "oh, you mean hobbits go bye-bye. I get it," he paused for a moment, "wait a second. That's not good. I gotta go help the hobbits." He began to leave when the doors started opening and shutting at intervals, making it near impossible to leave.
"Now Gandalf, you are under my power," Saruman said, grinning.
"No I'm not."
"Well of course you are, you can't leave. Even you don't have the great power it requires to get past the swinging doors. Just try it, I dare you."
"I will then," Gandalf said, turning to the nearest door. He stomped up to the door, attempting to pass.
The doors then spoke, "none shall pass."
"What?" Gandalf asked.
"None shall pass!"
"I must get through these doors."
"Then you shall die," the doors said, stiffening.
Gandalf rolled his eyes, "very well," he said, then muttered, "stupid doors."
"We heard that," the doors snapped, "to defeat us you must beat… Saruman. Don, don, don."
Gandalf turned to Saruman, drawing his magical hickory stick, as Saruman drew his white pine stick. They faced each other baring their weed and liquor stained teeth. They both held their sticks in two hands and began whacking at each other aimlessly. Gandalf was swinging blindly not even coming close to hitting Saruman. Saruman on the other hand was also swinging blindly but he eventually hit Gandalf in the nose. Gandalf squealed in pain, "you might have ruined my nose. I just got surgery on it. It cost me 5 pints of weed. Geez, have some compassion."
"Well you shouldn't have wounded me. You called me old!!! Now I'm going to make you sit out in the rain, with all the bugs. Nah!!!" Saruman said looking smug. He twirled his white pine stick at Gandalf and nothing happened. "Damn stick. I just got it repaired two days ago. It always acts this way." He pounded the stick on the ground and Gandalf's hickory stick flew into Saruman's hands. Saruman looked gleeful, "hah! Now I've got your stick and your going to sit on the roof."
He twirled both the sticks this time and Gandalf began to slowly float upwards. Gandalf started doing swimming motions in the air, "hey, I can fly! You may have seen a pixie stick fly, or even a bill fly, but I bet you never seen an old guy fly!"
Saruman rolled his eyes then smiled as Gandalf was on the roof and out of his sight. "Aye, that guy is weird, and to think he used to be my friend."
**************************************************************************** *************
From behind him, Frodo heard, "yo, Frodo, where is you?" Frodo rolled his eyes and turned around to see Sam coming towards him.
"There you are. Don't scare me like that! I thought left me to rot," Sam said as he caught up.
If only, Frodo thought, but was interrupted when two things smashed into them, knocking them off their feet. Frodo looked up to see his old buddy Pippin on top of him. He pushed with all his might and threw the small hobbit off.
"Frodo," Pip said, "hey Merry It's Frodo Baggins."
"Hello Frodo!"
In the distance they heard yelling so they began running. They ran until they came to a ledge, where they tried to stop but SAM had to knock them all over. They toppled onto a large pile of leaves in front of a tall wooden climbing wall. On top sat a guy dressed in a black robe with a hood and metal gloves and boots.
Frodo then spoke, "hello! I say hello!"
The thing looked down and said, "hello who is it?" It asked in a French accent.
"It is I Frodo. What are you doing up there?" Frodo asked.
"Sitting. What do you think you silly hobbit? You need to open your eye-balls."
"We're trying to get to Bree. Do you know which way to go?"
"No. What do I look like, the shell answer man? Now go away." The thing said.
Merry then spoke up, "is there anyone else up there we can talk to?"
"No, now go away or I shall reject you a third time."
"Fine then, be that way!" Frodo called up then muttered, "twit."
1 Ch. 1: Gandalf vs. Saruman
Saruman walked steadily over to his nifty black, chair/throne, and sits down staring at Gandalf. "The hour is later than you think—"
"Oh and how do you know what I think?" Gandalf asked furiously.
"You just told me you loon," Saruman retorted rolling his eyes, "okay, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the hour is later than you think Gandalf. Just last week the nine crossed the river of Isen."
"Oh, and how do you figure that you old crack pot?!?"
"I live here!!! I swear old man you get wackier every time I see you."
"And who are you calling an old man, old man," Gandalf said looking defiant.
"Nut-case," Saruman muttered to himself then spoke to Gandalf, "listen you, the nine will find the wee little halflings, and destroy them."
Gandalf looked puzzled for a moment then realization crossed his face, "oh, you mean hobbits go bye-bye. I get it," he paused for a moment, "wait a second. That's not good. I gotta go help the hobbits." He began to leave when the doors started opening and shutting at intervals, making it near impossible to leave.
"Now Gandalf, you are under my power," Saruman said, grinning.
"No I'm not."
"Well of course you are, you can't leave. Even you don't have the great power it requires to get past the swinging doors. Just try it, I dare you."
"I will then," Gandalf said, turning to the nearest door. He stomped up to the door, attempting to pass.
The doors then spoke, "none shall pass."
"What?" Gandalf asked.
"None shall pass!"
"I must get through these doors."
"Then you shall die," the doors said, stiffening.
Gandalf rolled his eyes, "very well," he said, then muttered, "stupid doors."
"We heard that," the doors snapped, "to defeat us you must beat… Saruman. Don, don, don."
Gandalf turned to Saruman, drawing his magical hickory stick, as Saruman drew his white pine stick. They faced each other baring their weed and liquor stained teeth. They both held their sticks in two hands and began whacking at each other aimlessly. Gandalf was swinging blindly not even coming close to hitting Saruman. Saruman on the other hand was also swinging blindly but he eventually hit Gandalf in the nose. Gandalf squealed in pain, "you might have ruined my nose. I just got surgery on it. It cost me 5 pints of weed. Geez, have some compassion."
"Well you shouldn't have wounded me. You called me old!!! Now I'm going to make you sit out in the rain, with all the bugs. Nah!!!" Saruman said looking smug. He twirled his white pine stick at Gandalf and nothing happened. "Damn stick. I just got it repaired two days ago. It always acts this way." He pounded the stick on the ground and Gandalf's hickory stick flew into Saruman's hands. Saruman looked gleeful, "hah! Now I've got your stick and your going to sit on the roof."
He twirled both the sticks this time and Gandalf began to slowly float upwards. Gandalf started doing swimming motions in the air, "hey, I can fly! You may have seen a pixie stick fly, or even a bill fly, but I bet you never seen an old guy fly!"
Saruman rolled his eyes then smiled as Gandalf was on the roof and out of his sight. "Aye, that guy is weird, and to think he used to be my friend."
**************************************************************************** *************
From behind him, Frodo heard, "yo, Frodo, where is you?" Frodo rolled his eyes and turned around to see Sam coming towards him.
"There you are. Don't scare me like that! I thought left me to rot," Sam said as he caught up.
If only, Frodo thought, but was interrupted when two things smashed into them, knocking them off their feet. Frodo looked up to see his old buddy Pippin on top of him. He pushed with all his might and threw the small hobbit off.
"Frodo," Pip said, "hey Merry It's Frodo Baggins."
"Hello Frodo!"
In the distance they heard yelling so they began running. They ran until they came to a ledge, where they tried to stop but SAM had to knock them all over. They toppled onto a large pile of leaves in front of a tall wooden climbing wall. On top sat a guy dressed in a black robe with a hood and metal gloves and boots.
Frodo then spoke, "hello! I say hello!"
The thing looked down and said, "hello who is it?" It asked in a French accent.
"It is I Frodo. What are you doing up there?" Frodo asked.
"Sitting. What do you think you silly hobbit? You need to open your eye-balls."
"We're trying to get to Bree. Do you know which way to go?"
"No. What do I look like, the shell answer man? Now go away." The thing said.
Merry then spoke up, "is there anyone else up there we can talk to?"
"No, now go away or I shall reject you a third time."
"Fine then, be that way!" Frodo called up then muttered, "twit."