Rude. Reflections on Reno
He had been hurt before and there was nothing that would make him able to go through it again without his heart shattering. There was nothing like feeling betrayed. It was difficult to trust anyone, even talk to them again after that. Embarrassment?... maybe... or was it just the pain that he had never before experienced? He promised himself, for his own protection he'd never let himself love another woman. And so far…he was right.
He never thought that he'd love another man though. He wasn't gay. He tried so hard to deny it and make the feelings go away but when you know, you just know. You know? Saying it out loud to himself he could barely bring himself to do it: 'I've fallen in love with Reno.'
'I'll carry on like normal and eventually it'll go away. It just has to. I'll pretend that I haven't fallen for him. This is Reno though…. Probably already knows so he might as well hear it from me. What if he doesn't though? Is that fair? He'll understand, will probably joke about it. I hope.'
'What if he turns around and says to me: 'Rude, I don't think that we can be friends anymore,' and doesn't carry on to say he wants anything more. Or even worse he could say: 'I don't want to be your friend anymore.' That's the worst thing that could happen. I care more about our friendship than anything else. Of course I do.'
He couldn't avoid him. They were partners. Best friends. At work he couldn't concentrate properly, worrying about what was going to happen. He couldn't control it. It was down to Reno.
Hiding his teary eyes in the past had become easy because of his sunglasses. They were a mask from his true self. He looked a lot tougher than he was. But despite physical appearance Reno could read his friend like a picture book. It was clear to him.
"What's wrong buddy?" he'd ask. Rude hated lying to him. Reno was the one person he could turn to when he needed to. But he couldn't. Not yet anyway. And he hated having that taken away.
Just seeing him though seemed to make his worries disappear. That flash of red hair in the corridor, from his office lifted a smile onto his face. Did he feel ashamed? No. Just like that. No.
"Hey Rude, what you up to?" Reno's voice made Rude snap out of daydream. His eyes lit up, hidden behind dark screens.
'Thinking of you…' he thought to himself. "Paperwork," he answered.
"Just don't do it, I never do any follow up work after our missions." Reno said walking closer to Rude's desk.
"That's because I do it Reno." Rude smiled gazing into the redheads eyes.
"Oh yeah," Reno gave a cheesy grin that stopped when he noticed the smile on Rude's face. "What you laughing at?"
"I'm smiling," said Rude. 'Forgot that I was.'
"Why are you smiling at me Rude?" asked Reno sounding like a child.
' I love you… seeing you…. Can't help it.' " Just because you never do paperwork, it's amusing." 'Please stop asking Reno, though I want you to know.'
"Ok…. Well I apologise Rude but I have some serious work that I need to be getting on with."
"Right," Rude watched him walk away. ' It's time.'
Sitting at the bar waiting for Reno to come worries flooded into Rude's mind. A text that said: 'Meet at the bar at 8 tonite? Must talk.'
A reply: 'ooh sounds serious baldie lol"
"Hey partner," Rude turned around on his chair to greet his friend with a nod and a smile. "Aah," Reno coughed slightly and pointed to his mouth with his second right hand finger.
'How much I'd love to kiss your lips…' Of course this meant: 'Rude I'm hungry' or 'Rude I'm thirsty', perhaps both. "Usual and what flavour?" he smiled.
"Yeah bitter and one packet of salted peanuts," he answered with another cheesy grin for the day. As he got the drinks in Rude realized that his partner's immaturity would probably make the situation a lot easier.
He handed him a glass and the packet of peanuts "Drink up, we're going for a walk."
"In the romantic moonlight," he said just having emptied the glass, "don't try and kiss me will ya Rudie?" he laughed.
'Oh no…' "Come on."
The two walked through alleyways and badly lit streets as Rude tried to find the words. Just as he was going to start though Reno would interrupt with something immature or inappropriate.
"I love you Reno." He quickly turned his face away and walked into another alley. He couldn't look Reno in the eyes. He was so embarrassed.
"It's alright Rude, I understand." Reno had stood up onto a wooden box so that he was as tall as Rude and he patted him on the head. "You're only human, it's not your fault I'm so sexy."
He couldn't help it, he had to look at him. He smiled, took off his glasses and slowly went to put his arms around Reno. He wasn't sure if it was ok or not. A cocky smile had formed on his partner's face. "You already knew didn't you…. Knew what I was going to say ?"
"Yeah," he laughed.
"Long?" asked Rude.
Reno nodded.
"And you still made me worry about telling you." Rude's arms rested on Reno's shoulders.
"Yeah."
"We ok?
"Doesn't bother me, partner," said Reno grinning as he stepped down off the box.
"Thanks," said Rude. Glasses back on.