Katniss sacrificed everything. She went to the Hunger Games to save her sister from dying, but people don't see that. They think that what she did was steal the spotlight from her.
Cinna says that most people don't get it. But some do. Not all of us who live in the Capitol have a romanticized idea about the Hunger Games. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed watching them when I was a child. But one day, a friend of mine wanted us to pretend that we were in the Games.
And that's when I realized that the tributes were real people. I was watching a television show with people killing one another.
Year after year, I saw children dying for our entertainment. People still believe that it's what's right, because of what happened during the war, but I can't, not anymore.
And now… I can't believe what President Snow announced. The Quarter Quell. The tributes will be picked from the living victors in the districts. That means that Katniss is going back to the arena.
My heart shattered when I heard that. I didn't want to believe it. How? Why? Hasn't she given enough? And who will be the male tribute? Haymitch or Peeta? I don't know them well, although I've spoken to Haymitch several times, but I do know that one will volunteer for the other. Either way, I don't think I'm going to be able to watch these Hunger Games.
"You're going to have to," Cinna says to me. "You're directing the viewing afterwards, aren't you?"
I nod. I know I'm going to have to. Just like Cinna's going to be forced to watch Katniss go through hell again. Neither of us have a choice in the matter.
I go about my days leading up to the Reaping. Messalla, Castor and Pollux are on board with me and we're getting everything ready for the tribute parade. It's the last thing I want to do, but I do it with a smile.
People are watching us set up. They look excited. But how can they possibly be excited when people they've known for such a long time are going to be… executed?
Because that's what it is, an execution.
I go back to my house that evening, and find that I can't eat, so I lay out my clothes for the next day. I haven't felt like wearing bright colors lately, so I settle for something black, practical. Skintight black leggings with ankle boots and a black leather top.
As an afterthought, I pull out a gold belt. I do live in the Capitol after all, and if I'm dressed all in black, people will think that there's something wrong with me, and that I'm not enjoying myself. I can't give anybody the feeling that I'm not behind this Quarter Quell.
I get up early the next day and go to Cinna's house. It's beautiful, and is currently filled with easels on which he's propped up a number of designs for Katniss. Portia's there too, looking troubled.
The doorbell rings, and Castor and Pollux arrive with Messalla, all of them carrying what smells like a delicious breakfast.
We set the food on the table and sit down as Cinna turns on the projector so that we can see the reapings in every district.
Not a word is said as District One and Two flash by. I guess we expected them to volunteer, but it hurts to know that all but one of them will be killed, because there's no way that President Snow will make the same mistake he made last year.
District Four comes on after Three, and my throat tightens when Mags volunteers for Annie Cresta. Mags.
"She won't make it," I say. My voice is barely audible.
"No," says Cinna quietly, as onscreen, Finnick is chosen to be the male tribute.
I rub my temples as people I've seen and spoken to for years are reaped. I don't cry, but it's a close call. I don't usually cry easily, but this, this is getting to me.
District Twelve comes up. I watch as Effie, looking quite unlike herself, reaches into the glass ball and grabs the one piece of paper fluttering inside. She reads out Katniss's name in a shaking voice, and I can't help it. A tear courses down my cheek.
Pollux's hand finds mine and squeezes. He knows. I have no idea how he knows, but he knows.
Next, Effie reads out Haymitch's name. All of us give a small gasp, because what we expect happens: Peeta volunteers.
Even Caesar Flickerman, who's commentating as always, sounds shaken by the time the program ends. He relates the tragedy to all of Panem: we won't get to see Katniss and Peeta married.
But for me, the entire tragedy is that the beautiful young woman who is Katniss Everdeen is probably going to be killed this time around. The Capitol won't let her survive.
I leave Cinna's house without bothering to say anything to anybody. I wander through the streets aimlessly as people around me cheer and celebrate. I want to go somewhere hidden and lie down. I can't face it.
But I do.
An hour later, Cinna finds me and brings me back to his place, applying enough makeup on me so that I don't look like my world has ended. It's an honor to have Cinna doing my makeup, but it takes me a few minutes to gather my wits about me so that I can make my way to the train station.
The rest of the day passes in a blur. I work best under stress, so I'm able to get excellent footage of the arriving tributes, who pose for my camera and wave cheerfully at me, although not many of them are happy to be here for this occasion. Finnick and Mags come and hug me as soon as they see me. I hug Finnick back and kiss Mags on the cheek. I don't know if I'll be able to talk to her again after this, so I quickly say "I'm sorry," to her.
She smiles at me before following Finnick to the waiting car. Thousands of people are screaming themselves hoarse, and our cameras catch several girls fainting in ecstasy when Finnick glances their way.
"This is good stuff," says Castor. He grins at me.
I agree. My favorite part of the Hunger Games is seeing the tributes arrive, when they're trying to grab sponsors, and so are acting happy and cheery.
Districts Eleven and Twelve won't be arriving until the next morning, so we all go home after we film Cecelia and Woof from District Eight.
As soon as I'm on my own, I collapse into bed and grab my pillow, holding it close. I whisper her name into it, as tears overwhelm me again. I might as well let it all out now, so that I can be calm when I see her in the morning.
Katniss.