F.I.N.A.L.S.
or F*ck, I Never Actually Learned this Sh*t

Author's Corner: This is very, very AU, and very, very based of many conversations I've had (or could see myself having) with my friends while in college, and even a few from out of college. If I had a dollar for every reference I've managed to stick in there... *sigh* Basically, this is just an exercise to help me break down the horrid writer's block that I've been suffering from.

To make things a little less confusing, I've placed it on generic college campus in generic campus library. Hopefully it's not as confusing as I seem to think it is. However, any questions are welcomed.

Please enjoy!

XXX

The pencil made a hollow "thud" and rolled across the notebook on top of the internet printouts next to the hundred-dollar textbook. Chair legs reluctantly slid back on the thin, worn, barely-there carpet of the library's study lounge as the chair's occupant took an opportunity to kick back for a moment, stretching his legs long under the table and bumping into his companions feet as a result.

"Ya know, I have this theory-"

The table's other occupants – minus the one directly to his right who continued to frown at her laptop and chew on a pen cap – let out a collective groan.

"No, really! Just hear me out!"

A crumpled ball of paper bounced off his forehead from across the round table, "Forget it , Dryden. We know all about your stupid theories."

"But this is good – just let me-"

"Oh, it's good is it?" The pretty blonde who was sitting on his left stopped writing long enough to readjust her weight on the mass-produced plastic chair, "Is it as good as your 'Chicken Soup and Soda' theory?"

Dryden gagged, then coughed, "Well-"

The pink haired girl two seats from his right snorted, leaning to reach her book bag from where it sat next to her chair. She straightened with a fistful of highlighters, "Or maybe your plan to use up all of your," Her fingers waggled in the air, "Depression for the week?"

To her right, the green-eyed, honey-brown haired girl started to giggle, knocking into her other neighbor's red water bottle and sending it falling to the ground. He grimaced and bent to retrieve it.

"So maybe 'Naked Depression Day' was a bad idea."

"Catastrophic," The laughing girl agreed.

"But this," He continued, his jaw settling into a determined line, "Is for real. I can prove it."

The three girls continued to snicker amongst themselves as Dryden waited expectantly. After a moment, the group went back to their previous studies – ignoring him quietly and leaving him to sit smugly with his hands behind his neck.

A full three minutes passed in silence, except for the scratching of pencils, the turning of pages, and the calculated tapping of a keyboard.

Dryden sighed quietly, then hunkered back over the Calculus textbook. Not long after, a muttered curse floated across the table with the snap of a book closing.

"Goddammit. I'll bite. What's your damn theory, asshole? I can't focus now."

"Yes!" A jubilant punch was thrown into the air as the others slumped in disappointment, "I know you'd come through for me!"

Gaddes grimaced, "Think of it less as a favor and more of a masochistic endeavor."

"Either way, you're in for a treat, my friend!" With a quick movement, Dryden leaned to the left and planted a kiss on the blonde's cheek, "Pass that on m'dear."

Then a moment later, as if suddenly accounting for who was currently seated between his girlfriend and Gaddes, "On second thought, don't."

Allen didn't look up from his course packet, "So what's this great theory of yours?"

In true dramatic fashion, Dryden cracked his knuckles and leaned forward, pausing to shove his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. Rolling their eyes, the others followed suit – except for the one to his right, who took a moment from her laptop to fumble around in her book bag for a piece of gum and her mp3 player.

"Call it... The Quantum Fetish Theory."

Hitomi began to dissolve into helpless giggles as Van let out a moan and leaned back in his chair, running a hand from his bangs to the back of his head in a practiced gesture, "I don't like where this is going..."

"Just listen! It works like this. The internet is such a wonder of technology that there's pretty much a website for everything, right?"

Millerna narrowed her eyes at him, resting a chin on the palm of her hand, "Get to the point."

"So, how it works is this. Think up any sort of bizarre fetish. Something really kinky. Something that you'd think that absolutely no one on the planet could possibly get off on. Wait five minutes. Then 'Google' it. Twenty bucks says that there will be a website for it."

Silence reigned.

"You mean like, raping monkeys?"

Merle screeched and threw a pen at Gaddes head, scoring a hit to the chest, "You jerk! That's disgusting!"

Gaddes flinched, then retaliated, throwing the pen back, "At least I didn't say anything about what you do to your stuffed animals at night!"

Her face grew to a volatile shade of red as she fairly shoved the table as she sprang to her feet, "I do NOT, you sick son of a bitch! Take it back or I'll feed you your kidneys!"

His response was to moan and bounce a little in his seat, "Ohhhh, Teddy... you know what I liiiikeee..."

Papers and pencils and notebooks alike went flying as Merle lunged across the table. Gaddes jumped back, but only managed to knock his chair backward, falling back with it and cracking his head on the concrete beneath the thin carpet. Both Hitomi and Van grabbed at the infuriated girl, trying to restrain and calm her as she kicked and spat curses at the man who was currently being checked for a concussion by Millerna. A concerned librarian had seen the incident and had been headed off at the pass by Allen, who was quickly assuaging any protests and complaints that she may have had over the disturbance with one of his smooth, trademark, panty-melting smiles.

Back at the table, Dryden tapped his chin thoughtfully, "No... I don't think that raping monkeys would work. Wouldn't that fall under beastiality? And an orangutan could kill someone..."

"We are not talking about this right now!" Millerna hissed at him from her spot on the floor, gently easing Gaddes back up, "We are in a library!"

The librarian started to open her mouth again, but Allen quickly started to lead her away from their troublesome group, inquiring over the best way to look up a book on the effect of King Kanishka on the spread of Buddhism in Asia. Van and Hitomi managed to get Merle back into her seat as Millerna helped Gaddes back into his, now upright, chair.

Gaddes rested his forehead on the table, pillowed against his arms, "Dammit to hell..." He muttered.

"I hope you hemorrhage and die," Merle spat in response.

The next few moments were spent retrieving lost writing utensils and sorting out the plethora of papers that had been launched into the air and left to fall like snow during the onslaught. Allen returned with a disturbingly thin book and took his seat, lightly smacking Gaddes on the shoulder with it.

"Kanishka. Goddamn, dude."

"Sorry, boss."

Dryden waved his hand vaguely, "We still have to test my theory! What would be a good fetish?"

"To hell with your theory," Van muttered, cracking his Political Sciences book back open and attempting to relocate where he had left off, "I just want to get ready for finals before we get kicked out by this knucklehead," He jerked his thumb at Gaddes, who was still lying on his forearms.

"But..."

"No, Dryden," Millerna put her foot down, "We came here to study. So let's study."

"But-"

"Quietly."

Dryden sighed in defeat and went back to his study problems. Quiet overcame all once again, with only the scratching of pencils, flutter of pages turning, and the tapping of a keyboard.

"What about-" And Allen proceeded to break the silence with a suggestion that was so disturbingly off-color that it brought a look of horror to the faces of all his companions.

Gaddes choked, "You are so messed up, boss."

Allen shrugged, "What? You wanted to hear the damn theory to begin with, so it's your fault anyway."

Hitomi buried her blushing face in her hands, "I cannot believe we are still talking about this. That was the most perverted thing I've ever heard. I'll never be able to look at... Oh my god."

"What? I thought that was the point."

"It was! But that was just... so..."

Van shook his head, "Best not to think of it."

"But-"

"Hitomi," His larger hand covered her own, "Drop it. For the sake of your own mental health."

Hitomi nodded slowly and turned her attention back to her term paper. Van glared across the table at Dryden, "The subject is closed."

Dryden shrugged, "Suit yourself."

Each tucked back into their work with a vengeance, trying to clear their minds of the images conjured by Allen's description. A few moments later, a soft voice from Dryden's right drew their attention.

"Five minutes," Celena pulled her earbuds out of her ears, and her fingers flew across her laptop. A few quick clicks later, she spun the computer to face her friends.

The horrified shrieks echoed.

XXX

Outside the library, Dryden smirked with self-satisfaction, "I knew I could prove it!"

XXX

Disclaimer: No ownies.

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