"Let's have a baby."
My heart begins to skip beats, my air catches in my throat. I can't swallow this lump of anxiety that's choking me out as I lay underneath my newlywed husband.
"W-what was that you said?" I didn't mean to stutter. The urge to cover my ears and curl into a ball is overwhelming. This is not what consummating the marriage is supposed to be like.
"A baby… let's make one." Finnick smiles at me, devilish and seductive. He specialty.
"Oh Finnick…" My eyes water up. How can he even be thinking of something like that at a time like this? Our wedding was almost a miracle in and of itself. How am I supposed to tell him no? We've waited so many years to be husband and wife… so many years of fear between us wasted. I felt so unstable, and so guilty. Meanwhile the Captial is selling the man of my dreams' body for profit and fun.
"Oh Annie." He mocks me in his childish tone. I feel him kiss me, lightly at first, then more and more like a dehydrated animal
And I am his water. He is my gravity.
He keeps me so grounded in a world where I constantly drift off. Annie the space-case freak show. Laughing stock of Panem. My mind is afloat with rude, intrusive and unwanted memories of Hunger Games past. Rebels who died to save me, the tortured nights inflicted by the Capital just to hurt my husband. The torture… the replaying of my games… they keep replaying the beheading of my district partner. The horror painted on my face reflects over and over again and I scream. I scream until I think the pain goes away. They use barbed wire to tie my hands to the ground, cutting knicks in my skin and pouring salt into the wounds.
"Annie?"
I have drifted too far from the moment, my hands have found my way over my ears. I tried so hard to resist, but now I have to give in to the anxiety. Finnick is no longer above me, but beside me, pulling my curled up body into his. I bask in his warmth and safety and begin counting the way I learned in therapy:
1… I am safe.
Breathe.
2… I am no longer in the games. I am safe in my home.
Breathe again, deeper this time.
"Annie, nothing can hurt you. I will always be here to protect you. I will always be here for you and our children. Nothing will ever change that."
My counting is interrupted by such confident words of love and promise. My gravity pulls me back to Earth again and I feel my muscles begin to unlatch from their locked position of trauma. I roll over so that I am facing my husband, his sea-green eyes pouring over me.
"So about that baby?" he smirks at me, his fingers drumming against my bare rib cage lightly pressuring me.
I kiss him, not wanting to tell him I am scared. We have come so far from the days before the rebellion... and wouldn't it just be a spit in the face of the Capitol if we brought forth beautiful life in all of this chaos? His kisses deepen, fingers caressing my ribs ever softly. Finnick pushes himself over me, pausing the kiss only to whisper "I love you Annie Odair." before taking over my body with the love and passion of 1000 paintings hung in an endless gallery.
Annie Odair, wife of the most desired man in the Capitol. Wouldn't the rich, women full of secrets who bought his body just die?
As the moment passes, Finnick kisses me goodnight, pulling my body into his and falls into a light sleep. I would give anything to find that comfort so quickly. I know my jealously is unfounded – his nights were spent awake and in despair as well as mine have. Our only relief has been in each other until tonight. His resolve to become a father has become my distress.
Am I stable enough to be a mother? What if I slip up again? My mind races through all of the what-ifs as I squeeze my eyes shut, begging for sleep to silence my anxiety.
Soon, I am dreaming. We are on a long stretch of white sand – the beach back in our District 4 home just behind the Victors Village. The sun is beginning to dip low in the horizon, paint the clouds wonderful shades of pink and orange. There is a little carrot top toddler, a girl. She dances at the waves edge, giggling as the salt water crashes across her feet, licking at her toes. Finnick sits behind her, eyeing her protectively. "Daddy, look I can swim!" she squeals as a wave approaches. He smirks, "Swim my little fish!" The little redheaded girl throws herself into the water belly first, "oofing" as the salt water splashes up in to her sun tanned face. Finnick has to hold back a laugh as the girl, our daughter, frantically kicks her feet, her tummy dragging in the waterlogged sand rather than skimming across the ocean water. "Good job baby girl." He laughs. They are just so happy, so perfect. My dream breaks, shatters. I am screaming "Run! Run please, run!" A wave rises up from the sea, as if it were a Capital mutt. Its red and angry… and rushes towards my family, hungry. Finnick runs, but our daughter falls behind. He grabs her, tosses her up on the shore to me and the wave swallows him whole. The furious wave recedes, satisfied and I am standing in the sand screaming, begging…
Screaming.
"Annie? Annie!" Finnick shakes me awake, I am sweating and balled up crying.
"Tell me about your dream. You are safe now. I am here to protect you." He kisses me as I recount my horrifying tale to him. He frowns deeply and kisses away my tears, then wipes away my sweat with the sheet. I look around. We are still in our cold,, underground District 13 compartment. Its dark and still in the early hours of the day. I am safe. I start counting just to be sure.
"You never have to worry, I will always be here for you and the kids. You're safe now."
"You're safe now."
"I will always be here for you and the kids."
His words still haunt me.
"I will always be here."
I want to scream "LIAR" at his memory.
"Always be here."
Why did you leave me?
"Always."