Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, setting, and so on. They all belong to the great and talented Tamora Pierce. Anything you do not recognize is mine.
This takes place after Alanna and Jon fight in the desert.
A Battle of Emotions
Alanna woke up to Faithful licking her on the cheek. She looked around wondering where in the world Jon was. Then it all came back to her and in one huge, overwhelming moment, she remembered their argument. His comments still stung. Jon, her friend and lover had said she was unfeminine. Unfeminine! Sure she may not be like the most delicate of court ladies, but still, Alanna knew that deep down she was feminine. Didn't she own some dresses and face paints? She understood how to act like a lady.
Alanna sighed, standing. The lady knight knew she was lying to herself; Jon was right, she was unfeminine. She began to pace. Oh, how she despised the word. Being womanly was more than wearing dresses, fancy hairdos, and face paints. It was a subtle and precise art of flirting, dancing, and memorizing courtly manners that most females Alanna's age were experts at. Sure, she could pass, but Alanna realized that she would never, ever be as graceful as Lady Cythera or any of the other court ladies. And that was what Jon or should she say His Royal Highness, Prince Jonathan wanted in his future companion.
But, then again, he had asked her to marry him, despite all of her flaws. Alanna however, turned him down, which had generated a quarrel between the two of them. A quarrel, Ha! More like a furious argument with her temper and his pride. Alanna sighed; it was her fault that the two of them had fought. She had egged him on, knowing that he was proud, and that had basically forced him to insult her. Her fiery temper would not stay underhand, and she had wounded his pride. They each had said the things that had insulted the other out of self-preservation. It had been instinct. The Lioness put her head in her hands, and leaned against the support beam of the tent, trying to control the silent tears that were streaming down her cheeks. She loved Jon, proud as she was; Alanna finally became of aware that she loved him. But now he was gone, back to Corus, leaving her in the desert with the Bloody Hawk.
The tears were pouring now and Alanna could not control them. She bit the inside of her cheek until she finally tasted the coppery sting of blood. It was all she could do to not cry out, but even then, the physical pain was not enough to overcome her immense emotional stress. Sobs racked her body in violent shudders, but still Alanna would not cry out. It was an unspoken, tacit fight, a fight she planned on winning. She fought to hold on to her dignity. The Lioness would not bawl out. Jonathan had hurt her, more deeply than he ever would know, and she had no intention of informing him how profound the cut ran. It throbbed though, worse than anything Alanna had ever experienced. It was worse than being beaten up by Ralon of Malven, worse than facing the Ysandir in the Black City, being taken captive by the Tusaines, and worse than the Chamber of Ordeal; it was even worse than accusing Duke Roger of Conté of attempting to murder the queen in front of the entire court, battling with and killing the duke in the process. She stared seemingly at nothing, her breath coming in shallow gasps as she wrestled to control her emotions.
In the subconscious part of her mind, thoughts streamed through her head, but she was unaware of whatever it was. Her focus was completely on trying not to lose what little power she held on the biting sensations coursing their way through her body. Her hands shook, but she would not show weakness. Like a lioness, her namesake, she would be fierce, swift, and, most of all, strong.
One thought escaped of her sub-consciousness mind and burst into her emotional battle, completely shattering her concentration into tiny fragments. Jon. A small sob escaped her lips. Her eyes widened and she clasped her hands over her mouth, as if that would help to conceal the frailty and vulnerability she had shown. Jon, oh, why did she have to keep thinking about him? Every time Alanna dredged up his name, she could see his blazing sapphires eyes and coal black hair that she loved to run her hands through. She could feel his stalwart arms as if they were hugging her close, his callused hands finding the spot where they fit perfectly in the small of her back. She imagined his warm breath that always smelled of spices on her neck as he leaned down, bringing his lips…another sob broke through her forced composure. There she was again, thinking of…of Jon.
Alanna fell to her knees and raised her eyes to the sky imploringly, "Why does he do this to me? Why can I not move on?" she asked to no one in particular. She buried her face in her hands and finally gave in and broke down, letting all her emotions flow out. Alanna shed tears, tears of sadness, despair, and longing. It no longer mattered that she had shown weakness. When a person breaks your heart, tearing it along with your soul into two pieces, it's hard, no impossible not to break down. Her sobs became louder.
"Why?" she whispered, her voice barely audible.
"Because you love him," purred Faithful as he rubbed up against her legs, trying to offer some comfort. Normally he would have been sarcastic like Alanna, but he could see she was deeply wounded."Of course I love him! Do you think I would not be acting this way if I did not? Mithros, if it were any other man, I could…"
"You could what?" Faithful asked very interested
"Maybe I could forget about him? Move on? Black God, I couldn't do that! I just admitted I love him, and now I expect myself to just overlook the past two years? He offered me marriage, but I know I am not ready for that," Alanna's voice died down, "and I do not think that any kingdom, let alone Tortall is ready for me being queen either. The courtiers just have gotten a lovely shock of me revealing my," she paused, "my real gender and now have to cope with the fact that I am and will be a Lady Knight, who right fully earned her shield. If I had accepted Jonathan's hand, Gods, the kingdom may have been in an uproar. It may have been civil war. Who knows? But I could not risk the fate of the entire country because of my love for Jonathan. I love him, true, but I could not doom an entire realm because of it. Faithful, what am I going to do?"
"You could sit here and do nothing, or you could carry on with your original plan, which need I add, was to go adventuring. Give him time, he'll come around."
Alanna set her jaw firm, "No."
"No to what? Adventuring, because if you do not want to go that is not really like―"
"No, of course I want to go adventuring. It is what I have my mind set on. But…but Jon," she paused, "he-will-never-come-around," the lady knight stated, saying each word individually and with much pain for each word was a knife to her heart.
"What are you talking about? Of course Jonathan will realize he made a mistake. The prince is not stupid, like you are being right now, you know. He lo―"
"JONATHAN DOES NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE!" Alanna shouted and then cried out in pain clutching her heart. Then the lioness quieted down, "As much as it pains me to say so, it is the unbearable truth. It is my fault for I pushed him away…" but before she could continue, Faithful leaped up and dug his claws into her arm.
"You are acting very dim-witted right now. Jonathan asked you to marry him. Would he have done that if he did not love you? Even though you do not act like it, you do show some signs of intelligence. It may be hard for you right now, but think. The prince loves you," Faithful argued.
It was no use though; Alanna had the thought that she had lost Jonathan's love firmly in her mind. Her stubborn streak burning true had convinced her of that. He may have loved her once, yes, but now, no more. Plans were forming in her mind; she would go adventuring to some far off land. This thought should have excited the lady knight, for it was what she had been dreaming about since she was a page, but it was missing the enthusiasm. There was a sort of hollowness in her chest and though she tried as hard as she could, the Lioness could not block it out. " Jon…No, I must not think about him. He does not love me," Alanna thought trying to make herself believe it, while regaining control of her emotions. "I will go adventuring somewhere away from here and this…this pain." Alanna stood, eyes dry.
"He doesn't love me, Faithful, not anymore," Alanna stated, voice hard, "That-is-the-last-word-about-him."
Faithful sighed. There would be no use arguing with the Lioness. She was stubborn and had a temper.
"So where are we going?" he inquired.
"We are going to travel to…um, well," Alanna stuttered with some uncertainty, "we are just going to go where ever the road takes us. Maybe we'll stop at Alois, near Lake Tirragen, and deliver the message to the woman for Halef Sief. Then maybe we could go and see George in Port Caynn. He has been bothering me to come and visit, and now that I really have no…obligations, I think I will."
"That is not the adventuring you talked about," Faithful pointed out. "And Port Caynn is very near to Corus. Are you really sure you want to go there?"
"I just need some time to recover," Alanna snapped. "And it would be nice to see a friendly face."
Again, Faithful just sighed. There would be no use arguing with the Lady Knight whose temper was fierce. One day, one day she will realize. He thought. But for now, I will just have to leave her be.
A/N: Ok, so I have completed my first chapter of my first fanfiction. Hope you enjoyed reading it! Please review! Critiques, criticisms, anything will be appreciated, remembered, and put to use.