You should know it well by now, shouldn't you? These characters, franchises and situations all belong to their original creators or the nice gentlemen with powerful lawyers who stole the moneymakers away from them creators. I am none of those, which is a shame because I'd really like having a team of evil lawyers to do my will.
These characters, franchises, scenarios and settings don't have anything to do with those from real life either, and if they do it's either legally covered parody or coincidence.
Warning: Several chapters of this thing might and probably will be for adults only. You were warned.
OverMaster Adapts Every Work Of Fiction Ever.
(This Title Might Be Slightly Exaggerated and Misleading).
OverMaster Adapts Mahou Sensei Negima! Volume Zero.
"Welcome!" the white haired dark skinned giant in a nice evening suit greeted. "I'm your host tonight, Jack Rakan!"
"Chamo here!" said the white ermine.
"My name's Sayo!" added the tiny white haired cute doll with the ghost inside.
"And I'm Assistant Chiu-chi!" smiled the light brown haired, adorable vision of lovely perfection in a classy and light white dress this author has absolutely no favoritist hots for.
What the hell am I doing here?! she thought then, rattled by the abrupt start she had just been bizarrely pulled into.
"Tch!" Even Rakan's mere tongue snaps were larger-than-life thundering. "I see you there, Glasses! That's your 'What the hell am I doing here?!' face!"
"This is not my-"
"To answer your question," he steamrolled her objection, "this is a bonus, shorter, easier-and-faster-to-write intro chapter for this idiotically ambitious, harebrained writing delirium to redo as many fictional works as OM-kun (that's the guy over there tapping on the computer keyboard!) can pull off! I figure he figured, 'Instead of writing all those stupid oneshots and adaptations at left and right, I might as well gather them all under a single umbrella and pretend they take place in a shared universe!"
"Well," Hasegawa Chisame huffed, a fist cocked on a hip, "that makes some sense, I guess. Having all the trash gathered at a single spot, and all that..."
"That's right!" Rakan said. "And to start, he chose a series he was well used to write for! Actual quality of his production aside! So get ready for anything, kids, because from here on, anything can happen! Anything he has ever seen, read or watched, he can twist it to his own warped views!"
"In other words, yet more lemons?" Chisame tiredly snarked.
Rakan shrugged. "Might be."
"Uwaaaa!" Aisaka Sayo wailed. "That's bad! He's never written a lemon scene using me!"
"... come to think about it, he hasn't, has he?" Albert 'Chamo' Chamomile wondered aloud. "I mean, he even skipped over your scenes while writing his own version of what was happening in Stud Monkey..."
Sayo hid her face in her tiny hands and sobbed. "I don't want to do it, noooooooo!"
"Come on, how many things that have you engaging in sex could he adapt?" asked Chisame. "I mean, there's Stud Monkey, which he's already doing elsewhere; and there's Miscalculation, but that'd be kinda wandering into dangerous ground, right? You don't even have scenes in the Ura Jamma series, or in Gambler Club's stuff... You have it easy compared to me, you know? I even have Negimarus to look out for!"
Sayo stopped to think about it for several more moments, then broke into lamentations again. "I'M NOT SEXY ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO CARE ABOUT ME...!"
"Hey, hey, two of the new boss' biggest influences on Negima Fanfic Writing don't count as anyone now? Show some respect, Casper nee-chan!" Chamo chided.
"The new boss? Really, weasel?" Chisame grunted.
"Hey, the old boss kicked us like a bad habit to write Touta," the ermine countered.
Chisame sighed and waved a hand for the audience. "And when the author tracts start AGAIN, you know it's time to move on..."
"Okay, let's get to our first question..." Rakan said, pulling up an envelope from a rather meager pile of them.
"Wait, wait a sec there," Saotome Haruna walked in, and closer to them. "Are we just gonna retread the same stupid questions that really didn't answer any of the important lingering questions the manga left?"
"What have I just said about the author tracts...?" Chisame rasped.
"It's not a matter of author tracts!" Haruna protested. "With retellings of actual stories, you can pull off interesting new twists, but with this... are we really going to show the same crap about Negi thinking only of men, or about Yue pulling on tails? Where's the interest on that?"
Chisame's eyebrow twitched. "You might have a point there, but even if you say so..."
Rakan rasped louder and read aloud, "Is this shit going to be in the same style of Merged Mahora confusing bullcrap OM has been harping on ever since the original Unequally Rational and Emotional? If so, what's Haruna's relation to the Nerima Saotomes this time?"
"Oh, that. Now that's a semi-good question, I guess," Haruna hummed, a hand on her mouth. "You see, the thing where Ranma-kun was my dad was fine for a while, but ultimately kinda killed a lot of the things you could do with the current day Negima and Ranma settings pulled together, so... over the last while, OM's preferred playing me as Ranma-kun's dear Imouto, daughter of Nodoka-mama and Genma-papa. My mama didn't have a lot of time to look after me while searching for my father and brother, so she dropped me at Mahora! Although we don't have a lot of money, it was okay, because the Headmaster and my family go from long ago!"
"Isn't that called corruption?" wondered Sayo.
"So now you see, dear readers," Chisame said, "if you ever happen to have children, which I'm sure you will, because most Internet fans aren't hopeless virgins who masturbate to cute cosplayers, remember, always keep a close eye on them and don't drop them to their own devices in private schools, or they might end up like Paru here."
"HEEEYYYY!"
"As for our next question..." Rakan pulled out another envelope, "in the original bonus manga, you showed what happened when you pulled on Collet and Emily's tails, but you never actually showed what'd happen if you tugged on their ears, so what-"
Chisame snatched the letter down from his hands, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it aside. "Next," she plainly said.
"Thank you!" Collet Farandole's voice said from off-stage.
Rakan pouted. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. "It'd have been kinky..."
Chamo read the next question. "Why doesn't OM like writing Kotaro and Natsumi?"
"Yeah, that's right! Why doesn't he?" asked the short and freckled Murakami Natsumi, walking onstage as well. "He even skipped all over our lemon scene in Stud Monkey, and he's always pairing me up with Negi-kun! Why am I his replacement Nodoka?"
"Because he likes you better than Honya-chan, but he thinks your dynamics with Kotaro-kun force you into a tired average Tsundere role, maybe?" Rakan supposed, squinting to look at a cue card from off camera, and then actually reaching over to grab it and pull it close to his face. "Ah, yeah, I got it right."
"What's wrong with my Bro?" Chamo asked. "What's Dogboy have than he doesn't, and then some?"
Chisame crossed her arms and sighed. "This is where a few hurt Kotaro fans start imply we have something against him..."
"Which isn't true! OM-sama actually likes Kotaro a lot, he just doesn't like him and Theatre Girl here as a couple!" Rakan added, continuing reading from the cue card. "Sheesh, 'OM-sama'? For real?!"
"Theatre Girl?!" Natsumi cried.
"Hey, it's a cute nickname!" Sayo opined. "Far better than 'Casper-chan', anyway...!"
"Hey, it's a repeat here," Rakan snorted, reading the next letter. "They're asking about Mana-chan's past again. Well, since I'm better qualified to speak on the subject than anyone else..."
Chisame, Chamo, Haruna, Natsumi and Sayo all curiously looked at him, expecting to see in any moment a red dot on his forehead, and then a shot going through his head.
However...
"Nothing. Nothing happened," Roronoa Zoro commented, casually walking past by.
"Huh. Well, that was unexpected. And I don't mean the One Piece cameo," Rakan said. "If anything, we'd spent too long without a gratuitous crossover..."
Now standing behind him, the exotic Tatsumiya Mana dryly said, "There's no need for it anymore. Negima is dead, it will never return, and sadly, it has taken me that to realize it was a sad loss for my past to never stand revealed. Now, because of that lost chance, I stand on the edge of complete oblivion..."
"Hey, at least you have a chance of showing up in UQ Holder yet," Chamo told her.
"... and that's any better...?" asked Mana.
"... point."
Chisame rasped. "I have even more reasons to hate the outcome than you guys, but could we drop the author tracts already, please...?"
"So," Sayo said, "Rakan-san, are you really Tatsumiya-san's father, like in...?"
The huge man chuckled. "Well, actually, you'll see-!"
BAM!
Chisame stared at Mana. "Tatsumiya..."
She pocketed her handgun back. "I don't want to go that far into my past."
Insert random Konosetsu question here as they revive Rakan with the Dragon Balls, but the author isn't too much into Konosetsu either.
"... at least not as bad of an idea as reviving Frieza, I guess?" Chisame sighed, exasperated.
"When will we see a chapter on Hayate the Combat Butler?" Natsumi read the next question.
Rakan took another cue card, ignoring the muffled orders on the correct way to read them out. Holding the card before his face, he said, "I quote the man, 'Hayate is a series that isn't half as cute or funny as it thinks it is'."
"In other words, it's overrated as hell," Chisame nodded sagely.
"You think everything is overrated," Haruna said. "No wonder you're his favorite."
"We rank like third and sixth, I think, so I guess we aren't that badly placed either?" Natsumi asked, gesturing back and forth between Haruna and herself.
"What am I, like number eighteen?" Mana pondered. "Not that anyone really cares, me least of all..."
"Why doesn't OM-sama like Fate?" Sayo read the next question.
"There with the 'sama' again," Haruna said. "He writes that stuff himself, doesn't he?"
"Well, duh," Chisame replied.
Rakan smiled. "Well, why would he like the little pale turd? He's the seen-before-to-death, fujoshi-bait, shallow beyond a few token traits to try and paint him as deep, overpowered, clichéd, by-the-numbers jerk who never really pays for his actions we've been shown millions of times before. He's also petty and creepily fixated, and if anything he only will grow far worse over time. He's still being his Oh-I'm-So-Mysterious-And-Cool self long after dozens of much better characters like Your Truly are most likely dead without ever showing the best of themselves, and-"
"While I'm glad you aren't reading the cue cards the wrong way again, and I don't necessarily disagree with that," Chisame cut in, "please, PLEASE no more author tracts, will you?"
"Actually, that's my personal take on it," Rakan said. "Oh, and Accelerator sucks too."
Chisame rubbed her head. "Great, now we'll get hate reviews from Index fans as well..."
"It'll still be a step up from the usual getting no reviews?" Sayo offered.
"Hey, what's with that derogative use of 'fujoshi'?!" Haruna complained. "And Accelerator-kun's a cutie with a lot of Character Development! Seriously, you biased guys!"
"That's a wrap then, at least for now," Mana blandly waved a hand for the audience. "Join us next time, when we'll hopefully have something better to offer..."
"I wouldn't bet too highly on, though," Chisame said.
"Damn right," Haruna nodded.
"DO YOU WANT TO SCARE EVERYONE AWAY?!" Chamo cried.
And no, after all he's worried and cared for and grown hugely concerned about his students, even if he isn't romantically attracted towards any of them (last minute unreveal asspull aside), it's not even funny as a joke saying Negi 'only thinks about men', either.
"Damn right!" Haruna nodded.
THE END.
"I'm telling you! We've started with the freaking wrong foot! This was nothing but a long, long string of Author Tracts!" Chisame protested.
"Hello!" Kagurazaka Asuna happily walked in. "We're starting with Chapter Zero right now, aren't we...?"