Another Heaven
(Inspired by the anime Gravitation)
I never realized it, not when I lost you. It seems that this time I had pushed you too far and you've finally given up on me.
The door opened and Shuichi stood there, he was surprised to see me there.
"Back so soon, what is it, you forgot something?" I asked, trying to pretend my heart didn't skip a beat when I saw him return.
It was only yesterday that we've spent the entire day apart, no phone calls, no messages, no anything. It felt like years since I last saw him…touched his skin. He meant nothing to me back then. Just another hole to plug. Sounds harsh, I know. But men and women are the same to me, where there is a hole, that's where I stick it.
The boy walked up to me and reached out for my hand, all the while I thought he was going to kiss me. I thought he would beg and plead me to take him back, that it was a dumb idea to split up now. But his lips didn't land in any part of my body, he put his key in my hand and I almost choked from trying to holding back the tears.
"Thank you, Yuki. You made me realize about a lot of things. Thank you for the moments we've spent together. I won't bother you anymore and leave you alone now. You are right, this is what I want." He said, he was crying but he didn't wipe it away because at the same time he was smiling.
I wanted to pull him in my arms and tell him that we made a mistake but I was glued to the couch, my body couldn't move, my lips couldn't utter the words. When I didn't say anything, he got up and walked out of the door without even a backward glance my way. As soon as the door closed, I cried, squeezing the key in my hand, feeling…absorbing the last of his warmth because I knew then, it would be the last time I'm going to feel it.
I was having my beer in peace when Hiro walked up to me, "Yuki san, I hope you don't mind if I ask you to leave and go find yourself another bar."
Tsk. I stared at him, "Why is that, Nakano, I didn't know you own this bar." I said, with a smirk.
Suguru walked up to his side, "It doesn't matter, Hiro kun, we could go to another bar." He said, pulling his arm.
Hiro turned to him, "But they are on their way." Hiro protested.
"Who is?" I asked.
But before they could reply or say anything else, Shuichi and Ryuichi walked in arm in arm, they had both changed drastically, Shuichi's hair is crew cut and brown, its suits his face, he looks handsome. Ryuichi on the other hand is dressed more sensibly this time, and yes, a little sexy and surprisingly, he acts different and there is no stuffed bunny in his person. They froze by the door when they saw us…saw me.
Shuichi was pulling on Ryuichi's arm, tugging him out of the door, but Ryuichi gently removed his arm and walked up to me. I know now what is the peculiar thing about the singer, he is acting his age for once, he didn't bounce or squeal like a nine year old. The minute he was in front of me, he pulled a punch and it landed on my face. I fell off the bar stool dazed.
"WTF?" I asked, looking at him, about to stand up and give him the taste of his own medicine. But Shuichi walked up to Ryuichi and looked down at me. He didn't say anything and didn't offer to help me up.
"Come on, love, lets go." Coaxing Ryuichi out of the door.
I heard rumors that they hooked up, I didn't believe it. Shuichi knew how jealous I am of the singer, and seeing them together and hearing him call him his lover made me hurt more than the blow on my face.
"I'm sorry, Yuki san." Suguru said, and tried to help me up, Hiro reluctantly helped too, without saying a word.
I realized now why they are in the bar, it's Shuichi's birthday. When they left, the beer tasted stale in my mouth and I lost my drive to drink anymore, that night I grabbed a hooker in the corner and made my way with her but it doesn't feel the same. Having sex is not the same anymore not since I stopped living with Shuichi.
I was sitting there in my pad, alone and feeling empty. Shuichi had taken everything he had that same night he blurted out that he couldn't take it anymore. What he couldn't take is me sleeping around and him playing nursemaid and chauffer for me after I was done fooling around. He never complained before, even though I smelled like the last person I was with that night he would still make love to me, he would still moan and say I love you to me over and over again. I was such a..hole for doing that to him. I never cared before, it never mattered before.
I looked at the mug sitting on the coffee table, it was one of the reminant reminder of my lover. Lover... am I entitled to call him that after what I have done to him? After what I did to him over and over again for the past year. I never cared before if I was alone. Maybe because I was used to being alone, that having Shuichi in my life is a big step for me. I was the one who made the first move. I kissed him. He was so innocent, dense and gullible. And I used him. To feed my stupid ego. He never complained if I sleep around or if I call him in the wee hours of the morning to come and pick me up from somewhere I end up in. He won't ask what I did. He won't complain.
He asked me once what he is to me. That is when I took him from Ryuichi the first time. You're my f...hole, I replied. And he was happy with that, not the fact he is just that to me but the mere fact I took and begged him back from Ryuichi.
I was crying and drinking uncontrollably, it got so bad that I started coughing blood again. I wasn't answering my phone the whole day, Tohma got worried and drove over, he found me slumped on the couch, blood caking on the side of my mouth.
I woke up in a hospital. When I saw myself alone and alive, I started crying and wishing I didn't wake up and died.
I received a lecture from my sister and Tohma. Hiro came one night.
"Don't think because of this you will get him back." He said.
"I don't deserve him and he was the one who broke up with me." I said.
Hiro smirked, "I bet he got tired of you sleeping around, lucky of you never get sick from all the sleeping around you've been doing."
It struck home. It never occurred to me what I was doing not when he put it that bluntly. I wanted to cry again. But there's no way I'm going to cry in front of this guy.
"What do you want, why are you here? To gloat?" I asked.
"No, I just want you to leave Shuichi with Ryuichi. Ryuichi is good for him, Shui is being loved the way he is supposed to be loved." Hiro said.
"Like I said, he left, I didn't kick him out." I said, but my voice faltered for a bit, I cleared my throat. "If that is all, I'm tired, you can leave if you're done."
Hiro gave me a salute and left.
I stayed in the hospital for a week and was discharged after that. I didn't go back to womanizing and boozing. I concentrated on work and kept myself busy instead of gallivanting around town. I thought that finally I was cured from what I had fallen ill with when things started to come back to normal. And I thought that this time I have my life back, without him...
I met my editor in my favorite bar and submitted my latest novel and she left me having a celebratory beer in honor of being named as the author of the year. Then they came in, arm in arm, laughing. I bowed my head, ignoring them. They ignored me.
A girl approached me, asking for an autograph. "Yuki san? Yuki san?" she called to me repeatedly. Beads of sweat run down my brows, then there's that familiar pain in the pit of my stomach. I tried to get up from the table, pushing the girl away. "Are you alright, Yuki san?" she kept asking.
The beer bottle fell and smashed to the floor. I staggered to walk to the bathroom but I slipped and fell, my hand crashing to the shards of glass, cutting me. I started coughing blood again. A face loomed in front of me. "Shuichi." I uttered before passing out.
It wasn't just Shuichi who picked me up and took me to the hospital but Ryuichi was there too. I woke up and found him sitting by my bedside.
"What kind of hold you have on him, how come he never forgot you, no matter how much I loved him?" he asked me, anger in his tone.
Shuichi wasn't in sight. I didn't reply. He stood up and approached me. "Why can't you let him go, make him happy for once?" he said.
"I let him go the minute he walked out of the door. I don't deserve him." I replied in my weak voice.
"And why does he still care about you now, why after everything I did, after all these months, its still you, you bastard." Ryuichi said, angrily, hitting the side of my bed near my ear. I didn't flinch, I wanted him to hit me in the face and kill me, to get it over with.
"It hurts. It hurts inside of me, too. I can't help it, I can't think clearly, he sabotages my mind, takes it over completely. When we were together, every time I am with him, everything inside of me is in chaos." I said, choking on my words.
"Let him go, Yuki." Ryuichi said.
"I-I don't have him." I said, my voice faltered, feeling my face wet.
Then the door opened, a shadow loomed the doorway, "Yuki." A familiar voice called.
Ryuichi broke down when he heard that single word, it confirmed everything.
When he ran to the door Shuichi tried to grab his arm, but Ryuichi turned to me instead.
"Hurt him again and I will kill you this time, that's a promise!" he shouted before running out of the door.
When Shuichi walked up to me, I was crying uncontrollably and I couldn't breathe.
"Are you okay?" he asked, still keeping his distance, just standing there a few meters away from my bed. He didn't jump, scream, squeal like he used to just seeing me. He really had changed a lot, not just the hair but everything about him.
I nodded my head, and miraculously found my voice again, "Th-Thank you for bringing me to the hospital, I should have known that I really should quit drinking."
He nodded and stood there. He put a bag on the table. "I'm sorry, I took your key, and took the liberty of getting some clothes for you." He said, and was about to hand me the key back.
"K-Keep it." I said, and he was about to protest, "Please. What I want to say is, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for doing all those things to you. I know I have hurt you and used you, I'm sorry... brat." I said, tears started to fall again.
He smiled and bridged the gap between us, and when his arm went around my head, and his hand on my face, I let out a strangled cry, and tears started pouring again rapidly. How I miss this. How I miss him holding me this way. I felt dizzy and faint just the whiff of his scent washing through my body again.
"Are you alright, Yuki?" he asked.
"J-Just stay with me like this. Please, just hold me a moment longer." I begged with my life. For he is my life.
"I'm not going anywhere, Yuki." He replied.
I cried harder. He leaned down and kissed my tears away. And when his lips met mine, I thought I fainted. I reached out and grabbed him to me, he tumbled halfway on top of me and we both laughed.
"Thank you, brat." I said, smiling. He smiled and hopped on the bed. He laid on top of me then leaned over and kissed me again.
"You are my world, Yuki... I belong to you." He said.
I smiled and tugged him for a kiss, "You are my heaven, there is no other heaven that exists for me than you." I said, caressing his cheeks.
"When you were gone, I was in another world, a world without you. I can't think straight, I can't do anything right, it's like between heaven and hell, a purgatory that made me realize all of my sins." Touching his lips.
"You are the only thing and only someone that has ever made sense, my heaven…my life. Nothing in my life is the same without you." I said.
He put his head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat. I put my arms around him.
"Please come back, I promise I will make you happy this time, I promise to stop." I said, softly, wishing so hard that he would.
He looked up, "Why do you think I am here with you instead of chasing after Ryui?" He said.
When he said that, all the hurt and pain lifted from my body. Finally I was truly happy.
In this world there is a heaven that we don't see. It's like God is testing us, to see if we will hold on to these precious heaven he gave us or if we throw it away.
I had mine…it was Shuichi and I threw it away. I thought I would never get it back. I felt so lost without him, my mind was constantly in the sea of confusion. That the only thing that made sense was him that he is the true meaning of life. I learned my lessons well and now that I have him back again, I will make sure I will never lose this heaven, my heaven again...