Have you ever felt so numb that when you see the person you love, you're heart just pauses?
Like it refuses to pump blood for the person that had caused you so much pain?
I, myself, have not experienced that feeling considering I am in a loving relationship and I'm happily in love but I've seen my best friend like that. I've watched as he stared at the wall with a look of longing on his face and I've seen tears that would fall onto his shirt when no one was looking.
Have you ever been in a relationship and get so tired of arguing that you just close up?
Like if you even think an argument will start, you close up like a shellfish?
He thought I wasn't paying attention but I see what he goes through. He barely smiles, he is always lost in thought and he sighs all the time. Honestly, it hurts me but all I can do is be there for him when he is like this. I have to say the only positive thing about this is that he turns to music to escape his problems.
Some people turn to cutting, some people turn to drugs and alcohol but he didn't. When he hides, he just put on his headphones and hides in his room. We have all seen it; the sadness and desperation.
The disappointment that he experienced when he had got his hopes up too high, the anger when he was stood up and then the tears the fell when he knew that he hated the person he loved. He was becoming a shell of his former self and everyone was afraid that if he becomes too depressed that he would do something drastic.
One day I walked in from my bedroom and saw him lying there on the couch, holding a bottle of sleeping pills in his hand. I panicked in silence at first but waited to see what he was going to do. He frowned before he threw the pills to the floor and wiped at his eyes. I felt a tug at my heart and that's when I knew that I had to say something.
But before I had the chance, he had sat up on the couch when our other roommate had walked in. His eyes were blazing in anger as he stopped in front of the couch.
"James, you have to leave him." Kendall said as he fisted his hands by his sides. James stared at him with a blank face before he cracked. Kendall went around and kneeled in front of him before he brought the shaking brunette in a hug.
There was also something about Kendall that got to James; to all of us. We were all different pieces of cloth and Kendall was the thread that held us together. I silently snuck from the room as I heard Kendall whisper to James that everything would be alright.
…
James never broke up with that guy. I could hear him and Kendall screaming at each other through the door. I had been coming back from the studio when I heard it; I sighed. This was becoming a regular day. James would revert to his private world and keep to himself and when Kendall would confront him, he turned into an animal of pure rage. James would always tell Kendall to mind his own business but when Kendall cared about something he would make sure it or they would be alright.
That's the only reason why Mama Knight and Katie are always smiling because of Kendall but I can still see the sadness on Mama Knight's face at times.
"Mind your own fucking business! I don't need you to get involved with my problems!"
"No! You never let me in, you never talk! You can't bottle this stuff James, it'll make you destructive!"
"Oh so you think that I will hurt myself!? You asshole!"
"Goddamn it shut up and listen to me for one fuckin minute! Just…shut THE FUCK UP!"
Everything had grown silent before I heard a door slam and Kendall calling out for the brunette. I frowned; how much longer?
….
James and Kendall continued to fight and James had become destructive; not to himself but everybody else.
He would throw things, he would scream and yell and eventually he would break down; screaming and sobbing in Kendall's arms.
"Carlos?" I turned to look at Logan who was standing next to me on the balcony of the hotel. We had just finished a show in Texas.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think it would get any better?" He asked. I could hear a sliver of hope on his voice. I held out my arm and allowed him to walk into them. Standing behind him, I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head against his shoulders.
Logan and I were blessed with moments like these; where we could stand in each other's company. James needed someone that he could love like me and Logan loved each other but he refused to see what he had.
Kendall was now dating Jo, but you could see the longing in those green eyes. He wanted James to be alright but the brunette would brush him off and pretend there was nothing wrong.
"Logan?"
"Hmm?"
"James loves Kendall doesn't he?" Logan shifted in my arms before he turned around and smiled. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead then brought me in a hug where he rested his head atop of mine.
"Kendall loves James too."
…..
Two months after we had returned I caught James staring at the bottle of sleeping pills again but this time Kendall ran past me and smacked them out of his hand. He crushed the brunette against him and held him. It hurt him to see James like that just like it hurt the rest of us.
After we had returned to L.A. the guy that James was dating came over and they fought. Kendall decided to get in between and a full fledge brawl had broke out. I jumped in it to keep the guy from trying to choke Kendall and James was trying to pull him away. But it resulted to the police getting involved, I had a black eye, Kendall a bruised jaw and James had a swollen lip.
The guy was charged with statutory rape and was sent to jail for intercourse with a minor.
Brooke found out and flew out here when she bitched at her son but if you looked closely, he was the spitting image of her.
He hid behind beauty to hide the hurt, lived in his dream to escape the worries and was so into himself that he refused to allow anyone to see him with flaws. The only person who had ever seen the true James Diamond was Kendall.
About two weeks later Jo left for New Zealand and Kendall fell into a depression. During this period somehow he and James had hung out together. I don't know how but when we went to the pool the next day they sat next to each other. A little closer than they usually would.
Logan was lounging on a beach chair and I was lying in between his legs looking out at the occupants of the pool. That's when I noticed that James was whispering to Kendall before he leaned over and he and Kendall kissed gently.
There was barely anyone there so they were trying to be secretive but I saw it. I smiled to myself.
No matter how numb he was and no matter how dark his thoughts could turn. James has his sun and Kendall has his moon. Without the other, they were a swirling pool of destruction. I sighed enjoying the feeling of the sun on my skin and Logan sighed as he took his hand and ran it through my short hair.
"You okay?" He asked as he stared at me with those chocolate orbs that I loved. I nodded my head and kissed his hand when it rested on my cheek.
"Logan, do you think it would get better?"
He shifted and looked in Kendall and James' direction. I dimpled grin came to his face as he lay back down and got comfortable again.
"Yeah, everything is going to be okay."