Consequences
Jane lay awake in the early morning dark.
Sleep was evading her again, as it did most nights. Her thoughts and fragmented memories were too loud to permit her to even close her eyes.
Oscar had been gone for hours. She missed the rhythmic sound of his breathing and the warmth of his body against hers. Pulling the blanket closer around her, she turned from the ceiling to the window to watch the first slivers of dawn creep in through the curtains.
The last few months had taken their toll on her.
Oscar had gradually pulled down her walls. Gaining her trust to the point where she felt sure the mysterious mission brief he was following was too big, too seemingly important to ignore.
It was, after all, *her* brief. If it had made sense to her before, surely she could trust her own instincts. In truth, she was essentially banking on the fact that the woman she was wouldn't be lying to the woman she'd become.
Jane had started sleeping with Oscar about a month ago. One night he'd kissed her neck in the darkness and a rush of memories had engulfed her, producing a heady desire for his mouth on hers. In her current state it had felt so good, so right to taste something familiar.
And as one aspect of her life became more familiar, another was slipping from her grasp.
Her relationship with her FBI team had become strained. None of them were idiots, and she knew they'd felt a shift in her attitude towards them. There had been no more nights out with Patterson. No more joking around with Reade. And Weller…
Weller.
In order to carry out Oscar's missions she'd had no choice but to push Weller away. He was too close to her, invested and protective. His suspicions would be more easily aroused than the others so she'd made the extra effort to go cold on him. No more prolonged eye contact during late night conversations. No more stray hands and careless touches.
It had been painful, that much she would admit. The hurt in his eyes was almost enough to break her resolve. Him looking at her, confused, wondering what he'd done. What had changed since the night she'd arrived at his door and kissed his lips numb?
The answer to that was simple enough.
Everything had changed.
Jane sighed and sat up. Stop thinking about Weller. Focus on the task at hand. That's how she got through the days now, by separating what she felt from what she had to do. Force Weller out. Let the mission in.
She got up to shower. The hot water always helped to sooth her mind and give her a little clarity.
Oscar had been getting increasingly tense in the last couple of days. He had warned her that the next mission would be integral to their overall success. He'd made it clear that she needed to prepare herself for what might be her most difficult challenge.
"You have to trust me," he'd said. "You have to trust yourself."
As the water rippled down over the tattoos covering Jane's body, she wondered if she could truly trust a person who would do this to her.
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As soon as Jane stepped out of the elevator she knew something was wrong.
The bullpen was buzzing with activity, way too much for this time in the morning. She could see Patterson moving hurriedly between screens, trying to locate something or someone as Reade barked orders down a telephone in an increasingly exasperated tone.
"What have we got?" asked Jane, approaching from behind. She tried to gauge quickly whether the situation had anything to do with her extra curricular activities over the past few weeks.
"It's not what we've got." said Reade, slamming down the phone. "It's what we're missing."
"Where's Weller?" Jane asked.
Patterson shot her a worried glance. "That's what we're missing."
Jane felt a tingle of fear run up her back. "What?"
"His apartment was broken into last night" Zapata said, appearing at Jane's side. "Sarah was out, and Sawyer was staying at a friends. We're bringing them in now."
"Intruders didn't steal anything." Reade continued, "But we found blood in the living room and the hallway. Four different sets of bootprints. Which leads us to believe-"
"They were there to abduct Weller." Jane finished for him. She was desperately trying to quell a feeling of panic that was rising up from her gut. "Do we have anything? Security cameras, witnesses?"
"We're dealing with professionals" Patterson said, gravely. "Any camera around the area that would've been of any use has been deactivated. No witnesses. If I had to guess, I'd say whoever did this has been planning it for a while."
Jane looked at each of them in turn. Willing herself to focus.
"Then we need to get to work."
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Jane didn't return to the small house Oscar had rented until the next night, and even then she only intended to grab a shower and a change of clothes.
In two days they'd gotten exactly nowhere.
No sign of Weller. No communication from his kidnappers.
Jane was aware that Oscar would not be pleased with what was happening, but she didn't care. As soon as she had Weller back, she could push him away again. She just needed to know he was safe.
A crawling sense of desperation was growing in her chest. She wondered if this is how Weller had felt in the days after she'd been taken. She wondered what it had been like for him, living all those years and never knowing. Always hoping.
He'd never given up on her.
She wouldn't give up on him.
Oscar was waiting for her in the living room.
Jane hurried past him, throwing him a quick glance. "I'm not staying" she said and took the stairs to the bedroom two at a time.
She showered quickly, and began pulling on her clothes. If she could get back to headquarters within the hour, she-
A sound from downstairs stopped her short.
Jane knew it instantly. It was the sound of her own voice, talking to her as she'd done when Oscar had played her that first mind-shattering message.
Except this message was different, and when Jane heard the words "Kurt Weller", she felt the hairs begin to stand on the back of her neck.
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When Jane entered the living room Oscar restarted the video, and she saw herself again, long haired Jane. The Jane she barely knew.
—"If you're watching this, it's clear Oscar will have made the necessary preparations for what is going to happen next."—
Jane turned to Oscar. His expression was unreadable but his lips mouthed "It's ok."
Jane was feeling increasingly far from ok.
The video continued.
—"It's time to tell you about Kurt Weller."—
Her stomach turned to ice.
—"Kurt Weller-"—
A pause. It looked like onscreen Jane was trying to suppress her emotions.
—"Kurt Weller, let us down."—
Another pause.
—"Kurt Weller was supposed to protect us. He always protected us. Except when it really mattered. When it really mattered, he was powerless to stop the people who hurt us."—
Jane was starting to feel sick. "He was just a boy." she whispered, looking to Oscar, then back to the screen. "He was jus-"
—"I had a long time to think about how Kurt Weller let us down"—
Onscreen Jane seemed to be getting more agitated by the second.
—"I had long time to think about how he gave up on us. How he left us to our fate. How he joined the FBI, the organisation directly responsible for all our PAIN."—
"This is wrong" Jane said, shaking her head. "He never gave up. He joined the FBI to-"
—"You're going to kill him."—
The words were so simple, uttered from her own mouth, to her own ear, but Jane couldn't comprehend them.
—"By now I know you'll have gained his trust. I secretly hope he might have even fallen in love with you. This will be your first real test. After that, we can begin to dismantle the FBI and burn it from the inside out."
Jane began to back out of the room. Extremists. They were extremists. They didn't just want to root out corruption in the FBI.
They wanted to destroy the FBI.
Starting with Kurt.
—"Kurt Weller needs to know the truth. And after that, you will shoot him. Like the disloyal dog that he is"—
The video stopped, and silence fell on the room like a leaden blanket.
Jane turned to Oscar.
"If you've hurt him Oscar, I swear to God-"
Oscar took her arm. "It was time for him to learn the truth."
"It's HER TRUTH. Not MY TRUTH" Jane yanked her arm away, ready to hit him, but Oscar just held her in his steady gaze.
"Follow me."
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As they descended the basement stairs, Jane heard the sound of her voice again. The video she'd just seen was playing down here too. She realised Oscar must have soundproofed the walls in preparation for whatever the hell this was.
The video was playing on a small monitor in the far corner of the room. Kurt had his back to them when they entered. Jane felt the air rush from her body.
"Oh God, Kurt"
He was beaten badly and chained to an iron loop bolted to the floor. Jane felt tears sting her but she tried to stifle them.
She bent down and lifted Kurt's head, desperate to make him look at her.
She'd expected him to pull away. She'd expected to find nothing but anger and resentment in his eyes. Hatred at her, at her betrayal. Instead, all she saw was a raw sadness that broke her heart.
"Kurt," she whispered "Kurt listen to me. That video, it's not-"
"Taylor." Kurt's voice was weak, but Jane's eyes widened. He'd never used her real name before.
"Taylor… I'm so… sorry" his voice cracked and he looked down, as if ashamed to look at her.
This was almost too much for Jane to bare. The weight of what she had done threatened to suffocate her.
The woman she was had harboured a hatred for this man, based on assumptions that were not true, and now Jane had inadvertently carried out that woman's task. She'd taken the little boy who'd never given up on her and smashed him into a thousand pieces.
"Don't say sorry" she said, no longer fighting the tears. "Please don't say sorry, Kurt."
She looked down at the chains holding him.
"Oscar give me the key."
"I can't do that"
She heard the sound of the gun. The safety released.
Oscar was holding the weapon by the barrel, handle towards her.
"It's time to make your hardest choice."